[narlus]

musings on FoodTV...awesome stuff:

Guest Blogging: A Bourdain Throwdown
NOBODY ASKED ME, BUT……
By Anthony Bourdain

I actually WATCH Food Network now and again, more often than not drawn in by the progressive horrors on screen. I find myself riveted by its awfulness, like watching a multi-car accident in slow motion. Mesmerized at the ascent of the Ready-Made bobblehead personalities, and the not-so-subtle shunting aside of the Old School chefs, I find myself de-constructing the not-terrible shows, imagining behind the scenes struggles and frustrations, and obsessing unhealthily on the Truly Awful ones. Screaming out loud at Sandra Lee in disbelief as she massacres another dish, then sits grinning, her face stretched into a terrifying rictus of faux cheer for the final triumphant presentation. I mourn for Mario..and Alton...Bobby and yes--even Emeril, nobly holding the fort while the TV empire he helped build crumbles like undercooked Bundt cake into a goo of Cheez Wiz around him.

Some thoughts on the Newer, Younger, More Male-Oriented, More Dumb-Ass Food Network:

ALTON BROWN: How did Alton slip inside the wire--and stay there all these years? He must have something on them. He’s smart. You actually learn something from his commentary. And I’ll admit it: I watch and enjoy Iron Chef America-in all its cheesy glory. Absolutely SHOCKED and thrilled when guys like Homaru Cantu show up as contestants--and delighted when Mario wins--again and again, forestalling his secretly long-planned execution. His commentary is mostly good. And that collar-bone snapping fall off the motorcycle on Feasting On Asphalt? Good television!

EMERIL: I’m actually grateful when I channel surf across his show. He’s STILL there--the original Behemoth. And I STILL find him unwatchable. As much mileage as I’ve gotten over the years, making fun of Emeril; he deserves a lot more respect than I’ve given him. He does run a very successful and very decent restaurant group. He is--in fact--a really nice guy. And-as much as I hate the show-- compared to the current crop of culinary non-entities, he looks like Escoffier. He will probably be the last of the Real Chefs. I’m sure they’re growing future replacement options in petrie dishes somewhere, conducting Top Secret focus groups at suburban malls with their latest Bright Young Hopeful. I’m just glad he’s still there--a rebuke to the geniuses who brought us such Great Ideas as Dweezil and Lisa.

BOBBY FLAY: They seem to have noticed Bobby’s strong “negatives” among some viewer responses during focus groups--and decided to respond by subjecting poor Bobby to THROWDOWN; the object of which is to allow every web-fingered geek with a backyard grill--or half-mad muffin maker to proclaim, “I beat Bobby Flay at makin’ barbeque!” at the heart-warming end of show--before returning to tend their meth labs.. I watched poor Bobby battle to a draw recently in some bogus Southwestern “Chili Face-Off.” Now…does ANYONE actually believe that Bobby Flay can’t make a better chili than a supermarket ground beef bearing amateur? I don’t. It’s a cruel exercise in humiliation. A variation on “Dunk Bozo” or “Shoot The Geek,” at the carnival. And whatever I might have thought of Flay’s previous TV efforts, I find the network’s misuse of one of their founding chefs to be nauseatingly cynical. The conspiratorial-minded might be tempted to suspect this as yet another part of the Secret Plan to rid themselves of the annoyingly big ticket chefs--by driving Bobby to quit--or insane with misery. He may not be Mr. Cuddlesworth, but he’s a successful businessman and a good chef--and he doesn’t, after all, need this ****.

MARIO!
Oh, Mario! Oh great one! They shut down Molto Mario--only the smartest and best of the stand-up cooking shows. Is there any more egregiously under-used, criminally mishandled, dismissively treated chef on television? Relegated to the circus of Iron Chef America, where--like a great, toothless lion, fouling his cage, he hangs on--and on--a major draw (and often the only reason to watch the show). How I would like to see him unchained, free to make the television shows he’s capable of, the Real Mario--in all his Rabelasian brilliance. How I would love to hear the snapping bones of his cruel FN ringmasters, crunching between his mighty jaws! Let us see the cloven hooves beneath those cheery clogs! Let Mario be Mario!

THAT ACE OF CAKES GUY: Hey…He’s got talent! And..he seems to be a trained chef! And he’s really making food--and selling it in a real business! I think…I like it! If I have one reservation, it’s that I have no idea if the stuff actually TASTES good. It LOOKS really creative and quirky--and I’m interested but…I mean...it’s like construction going on over there from what we’re told and shown. One suspects that the producers don’t want to waste valuable time talking about anything so technical as food--on “Food” Network. I mean...what’s in those cakes, beneath the icing and marzipan and fondant? That said, it’s the only “kicky, new, cutting edge, in-your-face” hopeful they’ve managed to trot out of any quality in memory. Hope it lasts. Wait till they try and put the poor bastard on a pony--or do a “Tailgate Special” with the usual suspects. Or a “Thanksgiving Special” where he has to sit down with the bobbleheads and pretend to like it. On balance, it’s still probably the best new project they’ve come up with in a long, long time.

GIADA: What’s going on here!? Giada can actually cook! She was robbed in her bout versus Rachael Ray on ICA. ROBBED! And Food Net seems more interested in her enormous head (big head equals big ratings. Really!) and her cleavage--than the fact that she’s likeable, knows what she’s doing in an Italian kitchen--and makes food you’d actually want to eat. The new high concept Weekend Getaway show is a horrible, tired re-cap of the cheap-ass “Best Of” and “40 Dollar a Day” formula. Send host to empty restaurant. Watch them make crappy food for her. Have her take a few lonely, awkward stabs at the plate, then feign enjoyment with appropriately orgasmic eye-closing and moaning..Before spitting it out and rushing to the trailer. Send her to Italy and let her cook. She’s good at it.

RACHAEL: Complain all you want. It’s like railing against the pounding surf. She only grows stronger and more powerful. Her ear-shattering tones louder and louder. We KNOW she can’t cook. She shrewdly tells us so. So...what is she selling us? Really? She’s selling us satisfaction, the smug reassurance that mediocrity is quite enough. She’s a friendly, familiar face who appears regularly on our screens to tell us that “Even your dumb, lazy ass can cook this!” Wallowing in your own crapulence on your Cheeto-littered couch you watch her and think, “Hell…I could do that. I ain’t gonna…but I could--if I wanted! Now where’s my damn jug a Diet Pepsi?” Where the saintly Julia Child sought to raise expectations, to enlighten us, make us better--teach us--and in fact, did, Rachael uses her strange and terrible powers to narcotize her public with her hypnotic mantra of Yummo and Evoo and Sammys. “You’re doing just fine. You don’t even have to chop an onion--you can buy it already chopped. Aspire to nothing…Just sit there. Have another Triscuit…Sleep….sleep….”

PAULA DEEN: I’m reluctant to bash what seems to be a nice old lady. Even if her supporting cast is beginning to look like the Hills Have Eyes--and her food a True Buffet of Horrors. A recent Hawaii show was indistinguishable from an early John Waters film. And the food on a par with the last scene of Pink Flamingos. But I’d like to see her mad. Like her look-alike, Divine in the classic, “Female Trouble.“ Paula Deen on a Baltimore Killing Spree would be something to see. Let her get Rachael in a headlock--and it’s all over.

SANDRA LEE: Pure evil. This frightening Hell Spawn of Kathie Lee and Betty Crocker seems on a mission to kill her fans, one meal at a time. She Must Be Stopped. Her death-dealing can-opening ways will cut a swath of destruction through the world if not contained. I would likely be arrested if I suggested on television that any children watching should promptly go to a wooded area with a gun and harm themselves. What’s the difference between that and Sandra suggesting we fill our mouths with Ritz Crackers, jam a can of Cheez Wiz in after and press hard? None that I can see. This is simply irresponsible programming. Its only possible use might be as a psychological warfare strategy against the resurgent Taliban--or dangerous insurgent groups. A large-racked blonde repeatedly urging Afghans and angry Iraqis to stuff themseles with fatty, processed American foods might be just the weapon we need to win the war on terror.

AND FINALLY: Some IRON CHEF AMERICA match-ups I’d REALLY like to see:

Mario Batali (with one arm tied behind his back--and drunk) vs. Regina Schrambling
Michael Ruhlman, swacked on Ripple, vs. John Mariani-- in a Charcuterie Challenge
Grant Achatz vs. That Guy In Australia Who Ripped off his recipes as his own
Marco Pierre White vs. Gordon Ramsay
Charlie Trotter vs. Martin Picard (Chicken Livers vs. Foie Gras)
Chris Cosentino, Fergus Henderson, Martin Picard vs. Alain Passard, Roxanne Klein and Charlie Trotter (Cooked vs. Raw Challenge)
Martha Stewart vs. Rachael Ray (bare knuckle cage match)
Ducasse vs. Robuchon
“Mikey” from Top Chef vs. Sandra Lee
Video Gold!
______________

 

[MudGrrl]

I finally know why exactly I'm not a fan of the Rachael...


it wasn't ever clear to me before, but that blog pointed it out.

She doesn't actually teach anything, and instead shows the lazy way of doing things (and some pretty horrid things at that.... Hot Dog Salad????)

 

[BikeGeek]

Alton Brown knows nothing about taste.

WTF?

 

[narlus]

everyone's a whore, at some point.

 

[Silver]

Oh Alton...forgive him father, he knows not what he does.

 

[BikeGeek]

everyone's a whore, at some point.

True, true...

 

[spincrazy]

Read Kitchen Confidential


I like Alton

 

[Nobody]

I LOVE what Tony B has to say about Chicken on Restaurant Menus.

F'n Brilliant!

 

[OGRipper]

Bourdain is always a kick to read. In addition to KC, The Nasty Bits is super fun.

 

[DRB]

I hate people who talk to hear themselves talking.

 

[OGRipper]

I hate people who talk to hear themselves talking.

Doesn't that describe, like, half your posts?

 

[DRB]

Doesn't that describe, like, half your posts?

I have serious bouts of self loathing... but then I just talk some more.

 

[BillT]

I hate people who talk to hear themselves talking.

Bourdain is almost the Jeremy Clarkson of the cooking world.

 

[valve bouncer]

A recent Hawaii show was indistinguishable from an early John Waters film.

Bwahahahahahahahaha....

 

[Jeff P.]

I thought i was the only person in the world to read kitchen confidential... This place rocks. As for alton, hes smart, just think about how much miller probably paid him to hold that beer, id do it too...then go wash my hands.

 

[BikeGeek]

As for alton, hes smart, just think about how much miller probably paid him to hold that beer, id do it too...then go wash my hands.

By smart you mean greedy? A chef's reputation is based on the food he creates. That food is ultimately a product of his tastes. A chef I know once told me that cooking was easy, it's knowing what food, spices, etc. taste good together that's hard. I look at that ad and think "he has no idea what tastes good." It's no different than if he, or any other respected chef, were to come out and say, you know, that Mad Dog 20/20 really is a superb wine. He may be a great chef, I don't know, I don't watch much tv, but based on this ad alone, I know I won't be looking into anything else with his name on it.

 

[OGRipper]

By smart you mean greedy? A chef's reputation is based on the food he creates. That food is ultimately a product of his tastes. A chef I know once told me that cooking was easy, it's knowing what food, spices, etc. taste good together that's hard. I look at that ad and think "he has no idea what tastes good." It's no different than if he, or any other respected chef, were to come out and say, you know, that Mad Dog 20/20 really is a superb wine. He may be a great chef, I don't know, I don't watch much tv, but based on this ad alone, I know I won't be looking into anything else with his name on it.

I don't know man, I understand what you're saying but I think it's nothing more than a tired old whine along the lines of "You sold out man." You're basically saying Alton should "keep it real" and only accept money from a good beer company? Personally I say take the cash and do the ad with a wink and a smile.

 

[BillT]

I agree with OG...if I were ever in the position for someone to pay me to promote their product, I'd be all over it. Call me a sell and I'll laugh as I deposit my check.

 

[BikeGeek]

You're basically saying Alton should "keep it real" and only accept money from a good beer company? Personally I say take the cash and do the ad with a wink and a smile.

I see your side too. I don't know, he may truly enjoy the taste of Miller Lite. I'm just saying it's a brave move for a man in a cut-throat industry where reputation, essentially based on your sense of taste, is huge.

Sorry to derail.

I'm not familiar with some of the chefs in narlus's post, but used to watch Emeril a bit. I always wondered what a dinner cooked by him would taste like. He seems to put "the essence" in everything. Think it would tie a meal together or just make you tired of tasting it in every bite?

 

[OGRipper]

Fair enough. But whether he actually likes Miller Lite is irrelevent to me. He never said he was punk, you know? I think it's ok to sell yourself as long as you didn't make your reputation being anti-sellout.

Anyway that guy's reputation is not so highbrow that he's being a hypocrit about it.

 

[Nobody]

Alton's reputation is all based on his shows - primarily the Good Eats show. If you watch it - you can see that he's more of a Professor of Culinary Science with a sense of humor than a 'chef' - in fact, he's never worked as a chef that I'm aware of.

He started out as a cinematographer, if I recall. He got a degree at some Culinary Institute just to prepare him for the cooking show he envisioned all on his lonesome.

He never sells his reputation as a 'gourmet' - in fact, he constantly disparages the idea [often stating that he prefers 'simple' fare - one of his Good Eats shows was on Oatmeal, for instance.]

One show was how to make a bacon smoker out of cardboard boxes.

Hell, I applaud him for making money in the food biz.

Most folks don't.

 

[pnj]

I loved the food network when I had cable. I love to cook. sometimes it's a simple dish and sometimes it's an all day experience.

If I can take inspiration from a show, then great. If a show isn't intresting, I simply turn the channel and come back later.

Cooking ISN'T hard, but most people don't do it. Unless you call opening a can of soup or heating a frozen dinner cooking. If Sandra Lee gets some fat chick into the kitchen to do whatever it is she does, great. if not, so what?

taste is subjective.

 

[sanjuro]

I just started reading Kitchen Confidential...

 

[Damo]

I've read all of Bourdain's books. Refreshing and well written, he would be #1 on my invite-a-celeb-to-dinner list. Or at least invite-a-celeb-to-travel-with list. He's awesome. I'd kinda like to think we'd make good travel mates.

We don't get your Food Network here, but I was introduced to Iron Chef America a week ago and I have been downloading a few episodes as are available. Apart from a few crap ones, there are some gems in there. The best part of downloading the episodes, is that you can skip all the sh1te at the beginnings with the overacting Japanese dude. I realise it is part of what makes ICA what it is, but I just can't swallow the BS.

I don't recognise any of the other shows.

 

[Silver]

I just started reading Kitchen Confidential...

His cookbook is good too, even if you never use it to make anything. It's the only cookbook where I've ever laughed out loud reading...

 

[narlus]

his writing style is heavily in debt to HST, but still a good read.

 

[Nobody]

his writing style is heavily in debt to HST, but still a good read.

I'm not smart like you so i need acronyms expanded. Please.

HST?

 

[sanjuro]

Hunter S. Thompson.

 

[Nobody]

Hunter S. Thompson.

spank you.

spank you very much.

 

[sanjuro]

I am writing something that is set in a bar, so this book is very informative about the inner workings of a service establishment.