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"dear penthouse"... actual letters to porn magazines...

ALEXIS_DH

Tirelessly Awesome
Jan 30, 2003
6,148
796
Lima, Peru, Peru
:eek: some are really funny, but some are quite disturbing...

*I have a serious problem. I have a growth near my private parts. It’s the size of an egg, and I feel no pain. Could you please explain my problem?

*I’ve been incarcerated for over a year and still have two more to go. I was found guilty of lewd and lascivious behavior. One woman said I grabbed her breast; another accused me of exposing myself. I was drunk on both occasions. Since I’ve been in jail my old lady divorced me. I thought that my wife would stick by me, but I guess I was wrong. I’m very lonely. Can you set me up with some single women?

*I’m thinking about getting into pimping for some extra cash. I was wondering how I would go about finding ho’s to pimp out. Should I spend more time at the local bus and train stations? What about putting an ad in the paper? How much of a cut should the ladies get? Is there a technique to making them listen to me?

*I’m a 38-year-old virgin who lives at home with my mother, however, this has not stopped my sexual escapades. I have a particular interest in Asian girls. Before I sleep each night, I travel out of my body in order to visit a girl I know who lives in the Philippines. My problem is she keeps rejecting my love and sending me back into my body. I have horrible insomnia as a result of this. What should I do to win her heart and her body?

*I’m a 37-year-old virgin. I have no problem popping a boner to porn, but with a woman, my noodle turns limp and useless. I’m pretty sure I have performance anxiety. I’ve had the opportunity to screw three times in the past eight years and have failed every time. I know that I’m not gay, but I can’t seem to get over this hump. What can I do to conquer my problem?

*I’m obsessed with being naked. I’d just love to rip off my clothes and walk around buck naked, but I can’t because I live with my mother . Because of my pent-up desire to shed my togs, I always feel anxious and uptight. This summer has been so hot that I’ve been driven nearly mad by my craving to run around naked. What should I do?

*I thought I lucked out when a beautiful woman talked me up at a bar in downtown NYC. She suggested going back to her place. We caught a cab and fooled around while heading to the uptown address she gave the driver. When we were almost there, the cab stopped at a red light. She bolted out of the car and ran down a side street, sticking me with the fare. Her address was obviously bogus. The experience made me gun-shy about meeting women. Can you help me?
 

El Jefe

Dr. Phil Jefe
Nov 26, 2001
793
0
OC in SoCal
ALEXIS_DH said:
:eek: some are really funny, but some are quite disturbing...

*I have a serious problem. I have a growth near my private parts. It’s the size of an egg, and I feel no pain. Could you please explain my problem?

*I’ve been incarcerated for over a year and still have two more to go. I was found guilty of lewd and lascivious behavior. One woman said I grabbed her breast; another accused me of exposing myself. I was drunk on both occasions. Since I’ve been in jail my old lady divorced me. I thought that my wife would stick by me, but I guess I was wrong. I’m very lonely. Can you set me up with some single women?

*I’m thinking about getting into pimping for some extra cash. I was wondering how I would go about finding ho’s to pimp out. Should I spend more time at the local bus and train stations? What about putting an ad in the paper? How much of a cut should the ladies get? Is there a technique to making them listen to me?

*I’m a 38-year-old virgin who lives at home with my mother, however, this has not stopped my sexual escapades. I have a particular interest in Asian girls. Before I sleep each night, I travel out of my body in order to visit a girl I know who lives in the Philippines. My problem is she keeps rejecting my love and sending me back into my body. I have horrible insomnia as a result of this. What should I do to win her heart and her body?

*I’m a 37-year-old virgin. I have no problem popping a boner to porn, but with a woman, my noodle turns limp and useless. I’m pretty sure I have performance anxiety. I’ve had the opportunity to screw three times in the past eight years and have failed every time. I know that I’m not gay, but I can’t seem to get over this hump. What can I do to conquer my problem?

*I’m obsessed with being naked. I’d just love to rip off my clothes and walk around buck naked, but I can’t because I live with my mother . Because of my pent-up desire to shed my togs, I always feel anxious and uptight. This summer has been so hot that I’ve been driven nearly mad by my craving to run around naked. What should I do?

*I thought I lucked out when a beautiful woman talked me up at a bar in downtown NYC. She suggested going back to her place. We caught a cab and fooled around while heading to the uptown address she gave the driver. When we were almost there, the cab stopped at a red light. She bolted out of the car and ran down a side street, sticking me with the fare. Her address was obviously bogus. The experience made me gun-shy about meeting women. Can you help me?
How did you hack into Stosh's email?