Tell us your jokes!
- Thread starter binary visions
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So a woman gets hit by a guy on a motorcycle, who's at fault?
The guy of course. Who the fvck rides a motorcycle in the kitchen?
The guy of course. Who the fvck rides a motorcycle in the kitchen?
Lawyer and a Cajun
A lawyer and a Cajun are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer asks if the Cajun would like to play a fun game. The Cajun is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.
This catches the Cajun's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Cajun doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the Cajun's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Cajun and hands him $500. The Cajun pockets the $500 goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Cajun up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The Cajun reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
A lawyer and a Cajun are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer asks if the Cajun would like to play a fun game. The Cajun is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.
This catches the Cajun's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Cajun doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the Cajun's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Cajun and hands him $500. The Cajun pockets the $500 goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Cajun up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The Cajun reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
How does a jewish pedophile get kids?
"hey kid wanna buy some candy"
"hey kid wanna buy some candy"
A Priest and a Rabbi are walking down the street one day when they see a little boy out playing in his yard. The Priest asks the Rabbi "Hey, wanna go screw that little kid?" The Rabbi responds, "Outta what?"
What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?
Their last big hit was The Wall.[/QUOTE]
Not something to go around telling here in NC - someone might make you squel like a pig around these here parts.
To stay on topic:
You know your a redneck when you mow the grass of your front yard and find a car
Their last big hit was The Wall.[/QUOTE]
Not something to go around telling here in NC - someone might make you squel like a pig around these here parts.
To stay on topic:
You know your a redneck when you mow the grass of your front yard and find a car
A 12 year old boy and a 40 year old man are walking hand in hand through a spooky forest one night. The 12 year old boys looks up to the man and says, "Mr., I'm scared" The old man looks and the boy and says, "You're scared??? I'm the one who has to walk home alone!"
So... after that delightful dinner with little johnny's mom, Johnny's dad (Jim) went to the local bar. Orders shot after shot of whiskey and proceedes to stack the shot glasses in a pyramid. Eventually he completes the pyramid.
Bartender: Sorry Jim, I have to cut you off
Jim: C'mon, I'm not colorblind yet... and my wife slept with my brother.
Bartender: Sorry Jim, but can I call you a cab
Jim: Nah, I'll walk
Jim is walking home and sees a nun across the street. Not a regular nun, but a mother superior with the black robe, giant black and white hat. He lets her pass, sneakly crosses the street and proceedes to tackle the nun. While on the ground, he swings wildly and beats her to a bloody pulp. After 5 minutes of this brutal beating, Jim looks at his fists and peels off a piece of the nun's skin.
Jim gets up, pops his collar and says, "Meh, Batman ain't so tuff."
Bartender: Sorry Jim, I have to cut you off
Jim: C'mon, I'm not colorblind yet... and my wife slept with my brother.
Bartender: Sorry Jim, but can I call you a cab
Jim: Nah, I'll walk
Jim is walking home and sees a nun across the street. Not a regular nun, but a mother superior with the black robe, giant black and white hat. He lets her pass, sneakly crosses the street and proceedes to tackle the nun. While on the ground, he swings wildly and beats her to a bloody pulp. After 5 minutes of this brutal beating, Jim looks at his fists and peels off a piece of the nun's skin.
Jim gets up, pops his collar and says, "Meh, Batman ain't so tuff."
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife
packing a suitcase.
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to New York. I heard
prostitutes there get paid $400 a night for doing what I do for you
for free."
A little later, on her way out, the wife walks
past the bedroom and sees her Husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he is going, he replies,
"I'm coming too. I want to See how you live on $800 a year."
packing a suitcase.
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to New York. I heard
prostitutes there get paid $400 a night for doing what I do for you
for free."
A little later, on her way out, the wife walks
past the bedroom and sees her Husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he is going, he replies,
"I'm coming too. I want to See how you live on $800 a year."
"In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk looks at the man and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would you? Would you?" The clerk says, "Well, no!"
"If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't!" With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says,"Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?" The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."
The clerk looks at the man and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would you? Would you?" The clerk says, "Well, no!"
"If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't!" With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says,"Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?" The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."
One day little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parents room to check it out.
He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser and dad going at it behind her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny closed the door.
After business was finished Dad went to check on little Johnny. He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her.
Dad yelled, 'Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!'
Little Johnny replied, 'It's not so funny when its your mom is it?!'
He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser and dad going at it behind her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny closed the door.
After business was finished Dad went to check on little Johnny. He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her.
Dad yelled, 'Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!'
Little Johnny replied, 'It's not so funny when its your mom is it?!'
How do you get a one armed pollock out of a tree?
Wave
Wave
Yo mama's so ugly, that when she was born the doctor said, "wow, what a treasure". and her mother said... yea, let's go bury it.
Yo mama's so ugly, she made an onion cry
You mama's so fat, when she wears a rain coat, people yell... TAXI
Yo mama's so stupid, she studied for the drug test
Yo mama's so stupid, it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes
edit: one more
Yo mama's so stupid, she bought a solar powered flashlight
Yo mama's so ugly, she made an onion cry
You mama's so fat, when she wears a rain coat, people yell... TAXI
Yo mama's so stupid, she studied for the drug test
Yo mama's so stupid, it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes
edit: one more
Yo mama's so stupid, she bought a solar powered flashlight
^^^ yo mama's so dumb, she let her son believe that yo mama jokes are actually funny...
et touche' mon amis
BAPTIST DINNER FOR EIGHT
A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts - Janet wanted to outdo all the others. Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But, mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, "No mushrooms. They are too high." He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed." She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison." He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK." So Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head. After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 & Mexican dominoes. About then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered in Janet's ear. She said, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died." Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had
happened. The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quickly as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm." Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMT's & the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now," and he left. They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room, and about
this time, the helper lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped!!"
A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts - Janet wanted to outdo all the others. Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But, mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, "No mushrooms. They are too high." He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed." She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison." He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK." So Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head. After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 & Mexican dominoes. About then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered in Janet's ear. She said, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died." Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had
happened. The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quickly as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm." Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMT's & the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now," and he left. They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room, and about
this time, the helper lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped!!"
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine. "What was that for?" he asked. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it," she replied. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained. "Oh honey, I'm so sorry," she said "I should have known there was a good explanation." Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the heck was that for?" She replied, "Your horse called."
Here's a funny one - http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/avtest
LEARNING TO CUSS
A 6 year-old and 4 year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 6 year-old. "I think it's about time we
started cussing."
The 4 year-old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast,
I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass.'"
The 4 year-old agrees with enthusiasm.
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year-old
what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw hell Mom, I guess
I'll have some Cheerios."
Whack! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen
floor, hops up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his
mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. She locks him in
his room and shouts, "You can stay in there until I let you out."
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year-old and asks
with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it
won't be Cheerios."
A 6 year-old and 4 year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 6 year-old. "I think it's about time we
started cussing."
The 4 year-old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast,
I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass.'"
The 4 year-old agrees with enthusiasm.
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year-old
what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw hell Mom, I guess
I'll have some Cheerios."
Whack! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen
floor, hops up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his
mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. She locks him in
his room and shouts, "You can stay in there until I let you out."
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year-old and asks
with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it
won't be Cheerios."
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.
Short line. Just one lady in front of me . . . an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty. Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "fluctuations".
The Asian lady says, "fluc you white people, too."
Short line. Just one lady in front of me . . . an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty. Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "fluctuations".
The Asian lady says, "fluc you white people, too."
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his
bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope,
propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad." With the
worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the
letter.
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with
my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole
winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how
to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love,
Your Son
Ron
PS. Dad, none of the above is true, I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a bad report card, which is in my center desk drawer.
I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.
bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope,
propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad." With the
worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the
letter.
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with
my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole
winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how
to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love,
Your Son
Ron
PS. Dad, none of the above is true, I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a bad report card, which is in my center desk drawer.
I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.
What's the difference between a rectal & oral thermometer?
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TASTE!
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TASTE!
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the sh!t out of a ghost."
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the sh!t out of a ghost."
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in heir bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look or him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. 'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?' The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies. The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?' 'Yes, I remember,' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?' 'I remember that too' she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...'I would have gotten out today.'
A priest, a rabbi and a man with a duck walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says " What is this, some sort of joke?"
The bartender looks up and says " What is this, some sort of joke?"
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.
We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring
every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild
in your life?" Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.
"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring
every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild
in your life?" Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.
"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
A nice, calm, respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I will lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband at a fancy restauant, having dinner with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
> Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
> Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
A man went to his dentist to have a tooth pulled.
The dentist brought out a needle to which the man said, "No way! No needles! I hate needles".
The dentist started to hook up the laughing gas, but once again the man objected, "I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!"
The dentist asked if the man has any objection to taking a pill. "No objection," the man replied, "I am fine with pills."
The dentist said, "Here's a Viagra tablet." "Wow" said the man, "I didn't know that Viagra worked as a pain killer!"
"It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull that tooth.
The dentist brought out a needle to which the man said, "No way! No needles! I hate needles".
The dentist started to hook up the laughing gas, but once again the man objected, "I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!"
The dentist asked if the man has any objection to taking a pill. "No objection," the man replied, "I am fine with pills."
The dentist said, "Here's a Viagra tablet." "Wow" said the man, "I didn't know that Viagra worked as a pain killer!"
"It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull that tooth.
I pinged your mom & had 100% packet loss.
An elementary teacher starts a new job at a school in St. Paul,
Minnesota and trying to make a good impression on her first day explains
to her class that she's a Viking fan.
She asks the class to raise their hands if they too are Viking fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't
you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Viking fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asks: "Well, if you're not a Vikings fan;
then who do you support?"
"I'm a Charger fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Well Mary, might you explain
why are you a Charger fan?"
"Because my mom and dad are from San Diego and my mom is a Charger fan
and my dad is a Charger fan, so I'm a Charger fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no
reason for you to be a Charger fan. You don't have to be just like your
parents all of the time. What if your mom was a prostitute and your dad
was a drug addict and a car thief, what would you be then?"
Mary said, "I'd be a Raiders fan."
Minnesota and trying to make a good impression on her first day explains
to her class that she's a Viking fan.
She asks the class to raise their hands if they too are Viking fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't
you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Viking fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asks: "Well, if you're not a Vikings fan;
then who do you support?"
"I'm a Charger fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Well Mary, might you explain
why are you a Charger fan?"
"Because my mom and dad are from San Diego and my mom is a Charger fan
and my dad is a Charger fan, so I'm a Charger fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no
reason for you to be a Charger fan. You don't have to be just like your
parents all of the time. What if your mom was a prostitute and your dad
was a drug addict and a car thief, what would you be then?"
Mary said, "I'd be a Raiders fan."
What do the Arkansas Razorbacks & Lance Armstrong have in Common??
They both have lost a Nutt.
They both have lost a Nutt.
Jose and Carlos are panhandlers. They panhandle on different areas of town. Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose, but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day. Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house, and has a lot of money to spend. Carlos says to Jose , "I work just as long and hard as you do, but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?" Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?" Carlos' sign reads: "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support." Jose says, "No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars." Carlos says, "So what does your sign say?" Jose shows Carlos his sign...... it reads: "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico."
i can spell.... < thats the joke
So two cowboys are out checking the ranch, when they come across a sheep with its head stuck in the fence. The first cowboy gets off his horse, walks over to the sheep, pulls his pants down, and has his way with it. After he's through, he starts to walk back to his horse, and as he's pulling up his pants, says to the second cowboy, "You want to have a go?" The second cowboy thinks about it, says "Sure", gets off his horse, starts walking to the sheep, begins to undo his pants, then turns around and asks the first cowboy, "But do I have to stick my head in the fence?"
