Whats black, white and red all over that has trouble fitting through a revoving door?
A nun with a spear through her head.
A nun with a spear through her head.
Tell us your jokes!
- Thread starter binary visions
- Start date
A man walks into a bar and says ouch
How many male chauvanists does it take to change a light bulb in the kitchen???
Who cares? Let the B**** cook in the dark!!!
Who cares? Let the B**** cook in the dark!!!
A blue whale walks up to a bar and sits next to his friend, another blue whale, and says---
Man, this is one big F***** bar!!!!
Man, this is one big F***** bar!!!!
How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, I'll sit in the dark.
If girls with nice boobs (Can I say boobs? Boobs boobs boobs...) work at Hooters, where do girls with one leg work?
I-HOP...
I-HOP...
Q) What do you call a nurse with dirty knees
A) The Head Nurse
A) The Head Nurse
A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together. When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says,
"Sweetie, can you give me a blowjob?"
"What? Are you crazy!?"
He says "Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."
"No!! Someone may see -- a relative, a neighbor, anyone..."
"At this time of the night? No one will show up honey..."
She insistantly says "I've already said NO. Someone will see us."
At this point he pleas one last time, "My love... Please don't be like that..."
At that moment, the girlfriend's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown with her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes, she says,
"Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the damn intercom button!"
"Sweetie, can you give me a blowjob?"
"What? Are you crazy!?"
He says "Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."
"No!! Someone may see -- a relative, a neighbor, anyone..."
"At this time of the night? No one will show up honey..."
She insistantly says "I've already said NO. Someone will see us."
At this point he pleas one last time, "My love... Please don't be like that..."
At that moment, the girlfriend's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown with her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes, she says,
"Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the damn intercom button!"
One of my favorites
Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price. The motorcycle is missing a seal, though, so whenever it rains Steve has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Steve’s girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents one evening. He drives his new motorcycle to his girlfriend’s house.
She is waiting outside for him when he arrives. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word. Our family had a fight a while ago about doing the dinner dishes. We haven't done any since... and the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and soon notices that his girlfriend wasn’t exaggerating. It is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen and nobody is saying a word. Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her onto the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her father is obviously livid, and her mother is horrified. Yet, when Steve and his girlfriend resume their placs at the dinner table, nobody says a word.
A few minutes later, Steve grabs his girlfriend’s mom, throws her onto the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her father is boiling, and her mother is a little more pleased. But still, there is complete silence at the table.
Suddenly, there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle outside and so he jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline.
With a look of terror in his eyes, the girlfriend’s father backs away from the table and exclaims, "Okay, enough already, I'll do the damn dishes!"
Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price. The motorcycle is missing a seal, though, so whenever it rains Steve has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Steve’s girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents one evening. He drives his new motorcycle to his girlfriend’s house.
She is waiting outside for him when he arrives. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word. Our family had a fight a while ago about doing the dinner dishes. We haven't done any since... and the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and soon notices that his girlfriend wasn’t exaggerating. It is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen and nobody is saying a word. Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her onto the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her father is obviously livid, and her mother is horrified. Yet, when Steve and his girlfriend resume their placs at the dinner table, nobody says a word.
A few minutes later, Steve grabs his girlfriend’s mom, throws her onto the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her father is boiling, and her mother is a little more pleased. But still, there is complete silence at the table.
Suddenly, there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle outside and so he jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline.
With a look of terror in his eyes, the girlfriend’s father backs away from the table and exclaims, "Okay, enough already, I'll do the damn dishes!"
^^i just read that one again^^ OH MY GOD!!! i couldnt breathe
oh no, i saw a dead baby joke on here!!!
whats better than seven dead babies in a trashcan?
one dead baby in seven trashcans!
oh no, i saw a dead baby joke on here!!!
whats better than seven dead babies in a trashcan?
one dead baby in seven trashcans!
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.
She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.
She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.
A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, "I'm Jim and I want to tell my
wife, the word is "sternum".*
A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.
She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.
She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.
A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, "I'm Jim and I want to tell my
wife, the word is "sternum".*
Some engineers were gathered together over drinks and an argument arose over what kind of engineer designed the human body.
One engineer claimed it must have been an electrical engineer because of the wonderous network of nerves and sensors.
Another claimed it must have been a structural engineer because of the amazing skeletal system.
A third engineer stood up and proclaimed "Aye yer both wrong!!! It had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would've run a sewer line through a recreational area?!!!"
One engineer claimed it must have been an electrical engineer because of the wonderous network of nerves and sensors.
Another claimed it must have been a structural engineer because of the amazing skeletal system.
A third engineer stood up and proclaimed "Aye yer both wrong!!! It had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would've run a sewer line through a recreational area?!!!"
A pastor visiting one of his elderly parishioners noticed a bowl of peanuts on the night stand. As the conversation progressed he started munching on them. As time went on he finished the bowl and said to her "Oh dear it seems I've eaten all of your peanuts." to which she replied "It's ok dear. I've already sucked all the chocolate off of them."
A mathematican and an engineer die and go to hell. Satan decides to mess with them, so he takes two beautiful women, puts them in front of the engineer and mathematician, and tells them that each time he cracks his whip, they can go 1/2 the way to the women. He cracks his whip, and the enginner moves, but the mathematican stays still. He cracks it again, and the same thing happens. Satan then asks the mathematician why he isn't moving to which the mathematician replies that he knows he's being messed with, and he'll never get to the woman. Satan then asks the engineer why he's bothering. The engineer says "yeah, I know I won't ever get there, but I'll get close enough for practical purposes."
Two Englishmen businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Irish accent asked "What might ye be sellin' here?"
One of them replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said, "You are doing well .. only two left!"
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Irish accent asked "What might ye be sellin' here?"
One of them replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said, "You are doing well .. only two left!"
How do you find a blind guy in a nudist colony?
It's not hard
It's not hard
Why don't blind people sky dive?
It scares the hell out of the seeing eye dog.
It scares the hell out of the seeing eye dog.
How do you tell when a gutter punk has a girlfriend ?
He has two clean fingers.
He has two clean fingers.
A man leaves a bar and starts to stumble his way home. He decides to take a shortcut and proceeds through a dark alley. Suddenly from the pitch black behind him he hears a womans voice proposition him
How about 15 bucks He grins, reaches into his pocket and pulls out 15 bucks. The woman grabs the money, turns around, drops her pants and bends over. He drops his pants and starts going to town.
Just as he hit his stride, a cop pulls into the alley and shines the light on them and yells over the loud speaker
HEY WHAT ARE YOU DOING BACK THERE?
The man quick to react looks down throws his arms up and yells back
BANGIN MY WIFE!
The cop yells back OH SORRY SORRY he pauses and continues I DIDNT KNOW THAT WAS YOUR WIFE
The man yells back THATS FUNNY NEITHER DID I UNTIL YOU SHINED THE LIGHT ON HER!
Just as he hit his stride, a cop pulls into the alley and shines the light on them and yells over the loud speaker
HEY WHAT ARE YOU DOING BACK THERE?
The man quick to react looks down throws his arms up and yells back
BANGIN MY WIFE!
The cop yells back OH SORRY SORRY he pauses and continues I DIDNT KNOW THAT WAS YOUR WIFE
The man yells back THATS FUNNY NEITHER DID I UNTIL YOU SHINED THE LIGHT ON HER!
Where's the best place to hide a hippy's paycheck?
TRICK QUESTION!!! Hippies don't have jobs.
How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?
Pick him up and suck his d..k
Pick him up and suck his d..k
John was in trouble.
He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really angry.
She told him 'Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway
that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 10 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!'
The next morning John got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a
box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and
brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
John has been missing since Friday.
He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really angry.
She told him 'Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway
that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 10 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!'
The next morning John got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a
box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and
brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
John has been missing since Friday.
A little old man and his wife are sitting on the couch watching Jeopardy. The wife gets up and says "I'm going to the kitchen. Do you want anything?"
The man replies "I'd like some vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup, whipped cream and a cherry on top. You better write it down so you don't forget."
"I won't forget," she says.
15 minutes later, she emerges from the kitchen with a plate of scrambled eggs, bacon and hash browns. As she places it in front of him, he yells "I told you to write it down! You forgot the damn toast!"
The man replies "I'd like some vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup, whipped cream and a cherry on top. You better write it down so you don't forget."
"I won't forget," she says.
15 minutes later, she emerges from the kitchen with a plate of scrambled eggs, bacon and hash browns. As she places it in front of him, he yells "I told you to write it down! You forgot the damn toast!"
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it
Gina Berolla, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads.'
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it
Gina Berolla, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads.'
A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.
He shouts "this is a raid – everyone get on the floor!!", and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.
As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava.
The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts.. "Did anybody else here see my face?".
The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.
"Did anybody else see my face?" he shouts again, waving his gun around.
There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner.. "I think my wife caught a glimpse...."
He shouts "this is a raid – everyone get on the floor!!", and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.
As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava.
The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts.. "Did anybody else here see my face?".
The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.
"Did anybody else see my face?" he shouts again, waving his gun around.
There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner.. "I think my wife caught a glimpse...."
What do you call a Jamaican Proctologist?
POKEYMON
POKEYMON
anybody up for a dead baby joke?
whats the difference between a pile of dead babies and a ferrari
i dont have a ferrari in my garage
whats the difference between a pile of dead babies and a ferrari
i dont have a ferrari in my garage
There are four scientists in the middle of antarctica. They are conducting an experiment that requires them to be around at all times to observe a habitat they have built for penguins. So it has been four months and none of them have shaved or bathed or brushed their teeth. So one of the scientist #1 says" I have to shower and clean up I feel terrible." So he showers and brushes his teeth and feels great. So he goes to shave and green ooze starts sliding down the walls. Its been too long and the other scientist go and check it out and they see the scientist#1 lying on the floor with a cut in his neck. They put him in a body bag and leave him outside. Scientist #2, says "Boy, I need to shower and clean up." SO he showers and brushes his teeth and feels great." then he starts shaving and green ooze starts to slide down the walls. The other two scientist come in and see him with a cut on his neck and his face. So they put him in a body bag outside next to the other scientist and call the police and wait for them to come. Scientist #3 says"I feel stressed out and dirty, I need to take a shower and clean up. So he takes a shower and cleans up and starts to shave. Then green ooze starts coming down the walls and the lat scientist comes in the bathroom and finds him with a cut on both sides of his neck and blood all over the floor. So he puts him in a body bag outside next to the other 3. He goes in and takes a shower and cleans up, then he starts to shave and hears a knock at the door, so he finishes shaving and he answers the door and it the police man. He says "What happened here?" The scientist says "I was the only one who used a safety blade when I shave."
At the end of the tax year the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the
books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the
Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with
the candle drippings?'
'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back
to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'
'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
'What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'
'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them
back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers.'
'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.
'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'
'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi. 'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.
books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the
Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with
the candle drippings?'
'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back
to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'
'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
'What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'
'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them
back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers.'
'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.
'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'
'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi. 'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.
Why should Save The Children Stop soliciting for donations saying orphaned African kids are dirt poor? Because in Africa there's dirt everywhere!!!
What did the U.S. Marine say to the Guantanamo Bay prisoners? "If you feel your country's laws for stealing are too strict, raise your right stub."
What did the U.S. Marine say to the Guantanamo Bay prisoners? "If you feel your country's laws for stealing are too strict, raise your right stub."
Guy that likes this hot looking female bartender goes into her bar with a frog.
Bartender: Whats in the box?
Guy: Harry! He's a frog.
Bartender: A frog?
Guy: yes, but a special frog. I taught him how to eat pussy!
Bartender: Yeh right. I don't believe it.
Guy: I can prove it to you. Get up on the bar and spread your legs.
Bartender gets up on bar and spreads legs, guy puts frog in front of hot bartenders legs an inch from her pussy. Frog sits there and does nothing.
Bartender: Oh c'mon this is a joke!
Guy: No wait, give him a chance. C'mon Harry! Do it like I showed you!
Bartender: I thought you said this frog knows how to eat pussy?
Guy: He does! I swear! Do it Harry!
Bartender: I'm getting tired of waiting.
Guy: Oh C'MON HARRY! DO I GOTTA SHOW YOU HOW TO DO IT AGAIN!?
:biggrin:
Bartender: Whats in the box?
Guy: Harry! He's a frog.
Bartender: A frog?
Guy: yes, but a special frog. I taught him how to eat pussy!
Bartender: Yeh right. I don't believe it.
Guy: I can prove it to you. Get up on the bar and spread your legs.
Bartender gets up on bar and spreads legs, guy puts frog in front of hot bartenders legs an inch from her pussy. Frog sits there and does nothing.
Bartender: Oh c'mon this is a joke!
Guy: No wait, give him a chance. C'mon Harry! Do it like I showed you!
Bartender: I thought you said this frog knows how to eat pussy?
Guy: He does! I swear! Do it Harry!
Bartender: I'm getting tired of waiting.
Guy: Oh C'MON HARRY! DO I GOTTA SHOW YOU HOW TO DO IT AGAIN!?
:biggrin: