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women

sunny

Grammar Civil Patrol
Jul 2, 2004
1,107
0
Sandy Eggo, CA
There is this couple on a sinking ship and the girl says, "We dont have much time to live and I want to feel like a woman one last time..." So the guy throws her a bag of laundry and says, "OK, fold these."
 

Westy

the teste
Nov 22, 2002
54,227
20,003
Sleazattle
How are tornadoes and women alike?

They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you
lose your house.
 

Mr Jones

Turbo Monkey
Nov 12, 2007
1,475
0
A man is robbing a bank at gunpoint.

In the process of robbing the bank, his mask fell off. He quickly put it back on his face and asked the teller directly ahead of him if she saw his face. She admitted that she did, so he shot and killed her.

He then turned to the teller that was beside the one her just killed and asked if she had also seen his face. She said that she did and he shot and killed her too. He then turned to a man, a customer who just happened to be in the bank when the robbery was taking place. The robber asked the customer if he had seen his face.

The customer replied, “No, but I’m pretty sure my wife did.
 

Mr Jones

Turbo Monkey
Nov 12, 2007
1,475
0
A man in his mid forties bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to see what the engine had. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

“There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, then 100, and finally reality hit him and he knew he shouldn’t run from the police, so he slowed down and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”

“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer and he walked away.
 

Mr Jones

Turbo Monkey
Nov 12, 2007
1,475
0
What do women and Slinkies have in common?









Not really too much, but you can’t help but crack a smile when one tumbles down the stairs.
 

skibunny24

Enthusiastic Receiver of Reputation
Jun 16, 2010
3,281
585
Renton, WA
The Statue

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, Honey?" the husband inquired, as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue'., "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."
 

skibunny24

Enthusiastic Receiver of Reputation
Jun 16, 2010
3,281
585
Renton, WA
After the Office Party

After the annual office party blow-out, Colin woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "Tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn.

"You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire senior management and insulted the Regional Director General to his face."

"He's an a**hole. I should have pissed on him."

"You did," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" yelled Colin.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
 

insanitylevel9

triple nubby
Jan 7, 2011
2,001
5
hopkinton ma
wow this thread is still alive.... time for a few more i guess
Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down and use a lubricant.

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.

Q: How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A: Marry it!
 

thad

Monkey
Sep 28, 2004
388
21
Man walks into the kitchen with a duck under his arm, says, "Sooo, this is the pig I've been ****in'."

His wife says, "WHAT NOW?! Who you been screwing? And that's a duck, not a pig!"

Man, "I wasn't talking to you."
 

Iridemtb

Turbo Monkey
Feb 2, 2007
1,497
-1
Nah, I still leave that to the women. That's their sole purpose. Well that and making babies. But I was thinking about someday when I get married. I think I am going to make all the counters in the kitchen about thigh height. That way she can make me a sandwich and give me a BJ at the same time. Lol.
 

skibunny24

Enthusiastic Receiver of Reputation
Jun 16, 2010
3,281
585
Renton, WA
Nah, I still leave that to the women. That's their sole purpose. Well that and making babies. But I was thinking about someday when I get married. I think I am going to make all the counters in the kitchen about thigh height. That way she can make me a sandwich and give me a BJ at the same time. Lol.
Make sure you ask for no mayo if you're doing that ;)
 

Iridemtb

Turbo Monkey
Feb 2, 2007
1,497
-1
Make sure you ask for no mayo if you're doing that ;)
Skibunny... If only there were more cool women like you. I am 20 and there are plenty of fish in the see, but I hope I find one that sounds as cool as you do on here haha.
 

Iridemtb

Turbo Monkey
Feb 2, 2007
1,497
-1
I've bin having lung daiz laitlie. That's why my spelling was probably off. And you can't like my balls. Lol.