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CurbJumper

CurbJumper

Turbo Monkey
Aug 31, 2010
1,022
0
Central FL
This Craigslist ad was posted in Seattle a while back and as much as I HATE reading and prefer pictures only, this guy can write and locked me in. :rofl::rofl:

Yoga mat for sale. Used once. - $1 (Bellevue)

Yoga mat for sale. Used once at lunch hour class in December 2009. Usage timeline as follows:

11:45a
Register for hot yoga class. Infinite wisdom tells me to commit to 5 class package and purchase a yoga mat. I pay $89.74. Money well spent, I smugly confirm to myself.

11:55a
Open door to yoga room. A gush of hot dry air rushes through and past me. It smells of breath, sweat and hot. Take spot on floor in back of room next to cute blonde. We will date.

11:57a
I feel the need to be as near to naked as possible. This is a problem because of the hot blonde to my left and our pending courtship. She will not be pleased to learn that I need to lose 30 pounds before I propose to her.

11:58a
The shirt and sweats have to come off. I throw caution to the wind and decide to rely on my wit and conditioning to overcome any weight issues my fiancée may take issue with. This will take a lot of wit and conditioning.

11:59a
Begin small talk with my bride to be. She pretends to ignore me but I know how she can be. I allow her to concentrate and stare straight ahead and continue to pretend that I don't exist. As we finish sharing our special moment, I am suddenly aware of a sweat moustache that has formed below my nose. This must be from the all the whispering between us.

12:00p
Instructor enters the room and ascends her special podium at the front of the room. She is a slight, agitated Chinese woman. She introduces me to the class and everyone turns around to greet me just as I decide to aggressively adjust my penis and testes packed in my Under Armor. My bride is notably unfazed.

12:02p
Since I do have experience with Hot Yoga (4 sessions just 5 short years ago) I fully consider that I may be so outstanding and skilled that my instructor may call me out and ask me to guide the class. My wife will look on with a sparkle in her eye. We will make love after class.

12:10p
It is now up to 95 degrees in the room. We have been practicing deep breathing exercises for the last 8 minutes. This would not be a problem if we were all breathing actual, you know, oxygen. Instead, we are breathing each other's body odor, expelled carbon dioxide and other unmentionables. (Don't worry, I'll mention them later.)

12:26p
It is now 100 degrees and I take notice of the humidity, which is hovering at about 90%. I feel the familiar adorning stare of my bride and decide to look back at her. She appears to be nauseated. I then realize that I forgot to brush my teeth prior to attending this class. We bond.

12:33p
It is now 110 degrees and 95% humidity. I am now balancing on one leg with the other leg crossed over the other. My arms are intertwined and I am squatting. The last time I was in this position was 44 years ago in the womb, but I'm in this for the long haul. My wife looks slightly weathered dripping sweat and her eyeliner is streaming down her face. Well, "for better or worse" is what we committed to so we press on.

12:40p
The overweight Hispanic man two spots over has sweat running down his legs. At least I think its sweat. He is holding every position and has not had a sip of water since we walked in. He is making me look bad and I hate him.

12:44p
I consider that if anyone in this room farted that we would all certainly perish.

12:52p
It is now 140 degrees and 100% humidity. I am covered from head to toe in sweat. There is not a square millimeter on my body that is not slippery and sweaty. I am so slimy that I feel like a sea lion or a maybe sea eel. Not even a bear trap could hold me. The sweat is stinging my eyeballs and I can no longer see.

12:55p
This room stinks of asparagus, cloves, tuna and tacos. There is no food in the room. I realize that this is an amalgamation of the body odors of 30 people in a 140 degree room for the last 55 minutes. Seriously, enough with the asparagus, ok?

1:01p
140 degrees and 130% humidity. Look, bitch, I need my space here so don't get all pissy with me if I accidentally sprayed you with sweat as I flipped over. Seriously, is that where this relationship is going? Get over yourself. We need counseling and she needs to be medicated. Stat!

1:09p
150 degrees and cloudy. And hot. I can no longer move my limbs on my own. I have given up on attempting any of the commands this Chinese chick is yelling out at us. I will lay sedentary until the aid unit arrives. I will buy this building and then have it destroyed.
I lose consciousness.

1:15p
I have a headache and my wife is being a selfish bitch. I can't really breathe. All I can think about is holding a cup worth of hot sand in my mouth. I cannot remember what an ice cube is and cannot remember what snow looks like. I consider that my only escape might be a crab walk across 15 bodies and then out of the room. I am paralyzed, and may never walk again so the whole crab walk thing is pretty much out.

1:17p
I cannot move at all and cannot reach my water. Is breathing voluntary or involuntary? If it's voluntary, I am screwed. I stopped participating in the class 20 minutes ago. Hey, lady! I paid for this frickin class, ok?! You work for me! Stop yelling at everyone and just tell us a story or something. It's like juice and cracker time, ok?

1:20p
It is now 165 degrees and moisture is dripping from the ceiling. The towel that I am laying on is no longer providing any wicking or drying properties. It is actually placing additional sweat on me as I touch it. My towel reeks. I cannot identify the smell but no way can it be from me. Did someone spray some stank on my towel or something?

1:30p
Torture session is over. I wish hateful things upon the instructor. She graciously allows us to stay and 'cool down' in the room. It is 175 degrees. Who cools down in 175 degrees? A Komodo Dragon? My wife has left the room. Probably to throw up.

1:34p
My opportunity to escape has arrived. I roll over to my stomach and press up to my knees. It is warmer as I rise up from ground level - probably by 15 degrees. So let's conservatively say it's 190. I muster my final energy and slowly rise. One foot in front of the other. One foot in front of the other. Towards the door. Towards the door.

1:37p
The temperature in the lobby is 72 degrees. Both nipples stiffen to diamond strength and my penis begins to retract into my abdomen from the 100 degree temp swing. I can once again breathe though so I am pleased. I spot my future ex wife in the lobby. We had such a good thing going but I know that no measure of counseling will be able to unravel the day's turmoil and mental scaring.

1:47p
Arrive at Emerald City Smoothie and proceed to order a 32 oz beverage. 402 calories, 0 fat and 14 grams of protein -- effectively negating any caloric burn or benefit from the last 90 minutes. I finish it in 3 minutes and spend the next 2 hours writing this memoir.

3:47p
Create Craigslist ad while burning final 2 grams of protein from Smoothie and before the "shakes" consume my body.

4:29p
Note to self - check car for missing wet yoga towel in am.
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Wumpus

Wumpus

makes avatars better
Dec 25, 2003
8,161
153
Six Shooter Junction
Trek bike,electronics,recordingequipt,furniture,tats,clothes,stonewrap (south east austin)

Date: 2012-07-13, 9:10AM CDT

Reply to: hqn5t-3136579883@sale.craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

its a black frame, it has handle bars, the back tire rim is a forte, not sure about the front tire (which needs a new tube), its a 12 speed mountain bike as its currently set up, the left crank arm needs to be replaced...lol, she needs a little love, but its a good bike. you can txt or call me at xxx-923-4608...my name is justin..

oh, and it also has a seat with it...20$

i also have a samson condenser microphone for recording...$20

a two channel m-audio fast track guitar/mic recording interface...20$

a buch of instrument cables : xlr, quarter inch cables, fire wire, and e few cheapy microphones...10$ obo

one twin bed (free of bugs) frame and all, very lightly used, no stains...25$

a dell model 720 computer printer...10$ obo

a norcent dvd player, no remote but thats why they make universal remotes 10$ ill throw in some dvds with it

a vhs player made by orion (also no remote) 10$...but i do also have something to the effect of 300 movies, ill do the vhs and all the movies for 35$...make it 40$ and ill throw in a three level rotating rack that holds almost all of them ( very cool)

a jvc car cd player with aux input...20$

a super comfy couch (no joke), not the most beautiful couch but no major stains...its a tan color, and is also bug free...20$

i have few pretty nice blazers with matching button down shirts..ill sell each blazer shirt set for 15$ each..i also have a tuxedo (black) blazer, slacks, and undershirt not sure on sizes, but ive only worn the tux once recently and it fit me like a glove...im 6'2 and 170 lbs...ill let the tux go for 35$

i also do wire stone wraps...i'll wrap any stone (not boulder) for 10$

i am a singer/songwriter available for parties, weddings, covering gigs for musicians who need to back out of scheduled show, or even if you just want someone to sing you to sleep...parties, weddings, and gigs (pending on set length) usually run from 50$ to 100$... but ill sing you to sleep for 20$ or a bottle of chimay .

i also happen to be a good looking fellow and love meeting new people and would happy to be an escort to any ladies out there who would like company for a night out...25$ an hour (no funny business) Im good conversation, good eye candy, open minded, non-judgmental, i love trying new things, i not only love food but im a damn good cook too. :)

And now for the icing on the cake...i do tattoos, and i have a friend that does as well. we are completely sterile and safe, and for a limited time we will be doing 300 dollar tap outs. which means we will both tattoo you until you say uncle :)

as far as trades, i need an acoustic guitar case, a good army surplus or dickies coverall, long johns, an i pod, or zune (preferably not a touch screen), harmonicas, also a good army surplus travelers back pack, a nice sleeping bag, combat boots, tablets (i like the kindle fire), but im open to any tabs really, even one of thoselittle notebook computers would perfect. large selections of bandanas, a drem tool, one of those little drills that folds up, a hammock tent, a genuine swiss army knife, a fender squier jagmaster/fender jaguar, one of those traveler sized martin acoustic guitars, hell its a long shot... but a running car, or scooter, and last but not least i need to find me a good sugar momma. lmoa! really though.
i dont have a whole lot of time to get all this done. recent turn of events has brought me to the decision that i am going to be leaving for a few months come August. ive recently turned 30 and realized that not only have i never set foot outside of the country, not far out of texas for that matter. So, the time has come to change that. On August 7th i will be hopping a train to the west coast. most of the trades i mentioned are things that i will need on the road, with the exception of course of fender jags which are my dream guitars and the scooter which id be willing to bet would not be the most comfortable transportation according to me destinations. thats all for now...aside from trades, cash only, local only, if you buy in bulk from me ill drop prices. everything i have is legit, all works. PLEASE CALL OR TEXT, because i dont have a computer myself, so it hard for me to check my emails. again my number is xxx-923-4608, im Justin
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http://austin.craigslist.org/bik/3136579883.html
 
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