Man walks into a bar with a giraffe.
Giraffe gets a bit drunk & falls over, man turns to walk out when the bar tender stops him.
"Oi, you can't leave that lyin' there"
"It's not a Lion," man says "it's a giraffe"
Giraffe gets a bit drunk & falls over, man turns to walk out when the bar tender stops him.
"Oi, you can't leave that lyin' there"
"It's not a Lion," man says "it's a giraffe"
What's the opposite of Christoper Reeves?
Christopher Walken.
Christopher Walken.
A Frenchman walks into a bar with a duck on his shoulder. The barteneder says "Hey, thats pretty cool, where did you get it?
The duck says "France, theyre all over the place..."
The duck says "France, theyre all over the place..."
One night in the middle of the night Obama is woken from his sleep to find the ghost of Washington floating in front of him.
He asks, "George, what can I do for you?"
George responds, "Love this country like I did..."
Little bit later he awakes again to find Jefferson's ghost...
He asks, "Thomas, what can I do for you?"
Thomas responds, "Love the constitution as I did..."
Soon after Obama wakes for a third time to find Lincolns ghost.
He asks, "Abe, what can I do for you?"
Abe responds with ..... "Go see a play".......
He asks, "George, what can I do for you?"
George responds, "Love this country like I did..."
Little bit later he awakes again to find Jefferson's ghost...
He asks, "Thomas, what can I do for you?"
Thomas responds, "Love the constitution as I did..."
Soon after Obama wakes for a third time to find Lincolns ghost.
He asks, "Abe, what can I do for you?"
Abe responds with ..... "Go see a play".......
A Catholic priest and a Jewish rabbi are walking in the park when they see a young boy bending over at a water fountain getting a drink.
The priest says, "I would love to screw him!"
The rabbi looks puzzled and responds, "Out of what?"
The priest says, "I would love to screw him!"
The rabbi looks puzzled and responds, "Out of what?"
a catholic priest, a rapist and a pederast walk into a bar.
he orders a drink.
he orders a drink.
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two guys walk into a bar. one says "i´ll have some h2o".
the other says "i´ll have some h2o too".
the guy dies.
the other says "i´ll have some h2o too".
the guy dies.
A DEA officer stopped by a farm yesterday and said to the farmer, I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.
The farmer said Okay , but dont go in that field over there ..,
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me! Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in the farmer's face. See this ****ing badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish . On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear? . do you understand?!!
The farmer nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the farmer heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that hed sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The farmer threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs ..
Your badge, show him your ****ing BADGE!!
The farmer said Okay , but dont go in that field over there ..,
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me! Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in the farmer's face. See this ****ing badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish . On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear? . do you understand?!!
The farmer nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the farmer heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that hed sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The farmer threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs ..
Your badge, show him your ****ing BADGE!!
A blonde walked into a bar.
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And said "ouch".
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And said "ouch".
A chick walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre. So he gives it to her.
What's the first symptom of aids?
A constant pounding in the ass!!
A constant pounding in the ass!!
A woman got breast implants made out of wood the other day.
It would be more funny if the joke had a punch line... wooden tit?
It would be more funny if the joke had a punch line... wooden tit?
Little Susie came home and said, "Mommy! Mommy! Billy showed me his thingie at school today!"
Susie's mom is aghast, but then Susie continues, "...it reminded me of a peanut!"
Susie's mom can't help but smile, "it was that small, huh?"
"No," Susie replies, "salty."
Susie's mom is aghast, but then Susie continues, "...it reminded me of a peanut!"
Susie's mom can't help but smile, "it was that small, huh?"
"No," Susie replies, "salty."
Worst joke ever:
What to four out of five people agree on?
Gang rape.
*I take no credit in creating this. I was told by a Polish buddy who heard it from a Russian kid while he was visiting Europe over the summer.*
What to four out of five people agree on?
Gang rape.
*I take no credit in creating this. I was told by a Polish buddy who heard it from a Russian kid while he was visiting Europe over the summer.*
Two guys walk into a bar. The first says "Man, I'm thirsty, give me a nice tall glass of H20."
The second said "that sounds great, I'll have a glass of H20 too."
He died.
The second said "that sounds great, I'll have a glass of H20 too."
He died.
Dude, 8 posts up.
The Pope, a rabbi, and Bigfoot walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "What is this, a joke?"
Two men; one very rich and one very poor are discussing what they got their wives for their birthday, which they happen to share.
The rich man said, I got my wife a beautiful necklace made completely of diamonds...and a Mercedes, so if she doesn't like the necklace she can take it back to the store in her mercedes.
The poor man acknowledges the nice gift then says; I got my wife a card and a dildo...so if she doesn't like the card then she can go f**k herself.
The rich man said, I got my wife a beautiful necklace made completely of diamonds...and a Mercedes, so if she doesn't like the necklace she can take it back to the store in her mercedes.
The poor man acknowledges the nice gift then says; I got my wife a card and a dildo...so if she doesn't like the card then she can go f**k herself.
A blonde is walking down a riverbank, looking for a way to cross. She spots another blonde on the opposite bank-
"Hey, how do you get to the other side?" she yells.
The other blonde yells back "You are on the other side!"
"Hey, how do you get to the other side?" she yells.
The other blonde yells back "You are on the other side!"
I'm currently reading a book about anti-gravity.
It's impossible to put it down.
It's impossible to put it down.
Two blondes walk into a bar.
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You would think one of them saw it.
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You would think one of them saw it.
Several people just looked at me trying to figure out why i just cracked the fvck up!
A clown and an 8 year old are walking through a dark woods, late at night. The 8 year old says "Man, it sure is scary out here..."
The clown says "You think you're scared? I am the one who has to walk back alone..."
The clown says "You think you're scared? I am the one who has to walk back alone..."
What is the difference between a hooker and an onion?
You cry when you cut an onion.
You cry when you cut an onion.
Two blondes are walking through the woods when they come upon a set of tracks. The first say "Look, deer tracks". The second replies "No, those are bear tracks".
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
For a new party trick I swallow 2 pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my @ss tied together.
I sh!t you knot.
I sh!t you knot.
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What does Princess Di and Ferrero Rocher have in common?
They both came out of france in a fancy box
They both came out of france in a fancy box
What do you call a group lf lesbians in a field full of dildo's
Squatters
Squatters
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A blonde drops her little black dress off at the cleaners to have a spot removed. As she is leaving the counter person says "Come again"
The blonde turns around and says "Its toothpaste this time you nosy b!tch!"
The blonde turns around and says "Its toothpaste this time you nosy b!tch!"
Ferrero Rocher is Italian.
Who cares.... its a tasteless joke
ftfy.
Yeah because so many of the jokes here are good jokes
At least they were factually sound.
A friend of mine was doing a bicycle tour through Scotland when his group decided to stop for a drink at a the only pub in a tiny town. He and his two friends took a seat and the only other person in the bar was an old man staring bitterly at his drink.
After a few minutes the old man stumbled up to their group and says, "You see that fence on the way into town? I built that fence with me own hands, but they don't call me Shamus the fence builder!". With that the old man went back to glaring at his beer.
The old man took a few drinks from his glass then suddenly blurted out "You see the roof on that house over there? I shingled that roof with me bare hands, but they don't call me Shamus the roofer!".
Shamus continued after another sip of beer saying, "You see the road you came into town on? I paved that road meself and they don't call me Shamus the paver. But you fvck one goat...."
After a few minutes the old man stumbled up to their group and says, "You see that fence on the way into town? I built that fence with me own hands, but they don't call me Shamus the fence builder!". With that the old man went back to glaring at his beer.
The old man took a few drinks from his glass then suddenly blurted out "You see the roof on that house over there? I shingled that roof with me bare hands, but they don't call me Shamus the roofer!".
Shamus continued after another sip of beer saying, "You see the road you came into town on? I paved that road meself and they don't call me Shamus the paver. But you fvck one goat...."
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What is a Yankee?
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The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
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The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.