[ito]

http://www.bikereader.com/contributors/misc/menace.html

Crazy muthaf-bombing-er!

A nice read on a modest proposal* about bikes.

The Ito

*Points for the monkey who ID's what I'm hinting at

 

[Toshi]

uh, you're referring to swift's "a modest proposal", no? might not make it so blatent in future contests

 

[ito]

uh, you're referring to swift's "a modest proposal", no? might not make it so blatent in future contests

Of course we get the resident book worm answering it.

Future contests will be less obvious....I won't even tell you about this one.

The Ito

 

[TheInedibleHulk]

I had that before I opened the thread, Im wasnt sure why eating Irish babies had to do with bikes though

That was pretty funny, BTw

 

[Yossarian]

That was pretty easy. As I was reading it, the voice in my head was quite worked up in the fever of a well written satire. I was mentally backing over cyclists and jamming umbrellas in to spokes.

 

[N8 v2.0]

PJ is funny tho...

 

[I Are Baboon]

from 'Republican Party Reptile'

Damn Republicans.

 

[Echo]

That is the funniest thing I've read in a long time

"You can't shoot pheasants with a bicycle or water-ski behind it or go 150 miles an hour or even mix it with soda and ice."

 

[ito]

"Bicycles are top-heavy, have poor brakes, and provide no protection to their riders. Bicycles are also made up of many hard and sharp components which, in collision, can do grave damage to people and the paint finish on automobiles."

About this spot in the article my roommates got worried as I couldn't stop laughing.

The Ito

 

[sanjuro]

I should point out that the author, P.J. O'Rourke, is a lead writer for Rolling Stone, known for his satirical style.

I breezed it briefly. One thing about satirical writers is they like to get people's goats. I am not going to get worked up about this one....

 

[dwaugh]

Copyright 1987? Bicycles gone within 10 years... hasn't happened yet!

 

[rpk1988]

No everyone whizzes in and out of traffic...only some of us do. To me it looks like bikes are going to be here for while. For those of us that dont get to the gym, bikes are good exercise. You can put someone on a bike and jump off stuff and you are still getting exercise. Some of the points est. in that reading are wrong and need to be re-thought. Bikes aren't childish, children dont even know how to ride a bike, how can you enjoy it if you dont know how. And alot of the accidents take place either when you are a kid or a adult just takin risks. Is it wrong to take risks in life?? Should we live sheltered from injuries? How would doctors make money.....haha

 

[SkaredShtles]

This is hilarious!

"St. Paul, in his First Epistle to the Corinthians, 13:11, said, "When I became a man, I put away childish things." He did not say, "When I became a man, I put away childish things and got more elaborate and expensive childish things from France and Japan.""

Bwaaaaahahahahhaha.

-S.S.-

 

[JMAC]

uh, you're referring to swift's "a modest proposal", no? might not make it so blatent in future contests

TOSHI! Great avatar upgrade!

 

[=[Stinky]=]

HAHAHA I like in reason number 2, he breaks out the jesus quotes...

jeez, what a tool-bag

 

[TheInedibleHulk]

No everyone whizzes in and out of traffic...only some of us do. To me it looks like bikes are going to be here for while. For those of us that dont get to the gym, bikes are good exercise. You can put someone on a bike and jump off stuff and you are still getting exercise. Some of the points est. in that reading are wrong and need to be re-thought. Bikes aren't childish, children dont even know how to ride a bike, how can you enjoy it if you dont know how. And alot of the accidents take place either when you are a kid or a adult just takin risks. Is it wrong to take risks in life?? Should we live sheltered from injuries? How would doctors make money.....haha

I nominate this guy for idiot of the year. Find yourself a dictionary and look up satire.

 

[rpk1988]

For you information I know what satire is. I learned about it in English class. I just felt like defending my past time of biking. Do you have a problem with that?

 

[SkaredShtles]

For you information I know what satire is. I learned about it in English class. I just felt like defending my past time of biking. Do you have a problem with that?

Ummmmm.......... you may *know* what satire means, but you obviously don't *know* it when you read it.

-S.S.-

 

[JMAC]

Ummmmm.......... you may *know* what satire means, but you obviously don't *know* it when you read it.

-S.S.-

DUDE wtf is wrong with so many ppl on this site, leave him along, geezz all the critisism that goes on is pissing me off. BTW what he wrote is a very bad example of satire, you're not to bright there. Here's for being a prick :nuts:

 

[chicodude]

DUDE wtf is wrong with so many ppl on this site, leave him along, geezz all the critisism that goes on is pissing me off. BTW what he wrote is a very bad example of satire, you're not to bright there. Here's for being a prick :nuts:

Here for being a dumbass that can't even spell correctly. :nuts:

 

[JMAC]

Here for being a dumbass that can't even spell correctly. :nuts:

OH OH sorry i switched a c for an s, yeah it's true that really makes it very hard to read. do an intro level psych class and you'll learn you don;t have to write or spell even nearly correctly for ppl to understand what you wrote, fact is if one reads at a normal speed (unless you have a reading disability, like you) you shouldn;t even be able to notice mistakes, unless you re-read something.

 

[SkaredShtles]

DUDE wtf is wrong with so many ppl on this site, leave him along, geezz all the critisism that goes on is pissing me off.

Why don't you take some Prozac and head on over to Pinkbike, mkay? Thanks.

-S.S.-

 

[SkaredShtles]

<snip>BTW what he wrote is a very bad example of satire, you're not to bright there.

What he wrote was brilliantly funny.

-S.S.-

 

[Echo]

10 bucks says homeboy that wrote that article rides.

 

[TheInedibleHulk]

Point is that despite the literary reference in the thread title, the obviousness of the article, and the fact that we were all talking about satire afterwards, this kid still did not get it. Idiot of the Year.

 

[TheInedibleHulk]

10 bucks says homeboy that wrote that article rides.

He's probably a fixie-riding maniac.

 

[ito]

He's probably a fixie-riding maniac.

mmmm, fixie....

I'd say that echo would probably win my money if I took that bet.

The Ito

 

[ioscope]

Rofflemayo

 

[chicodude]

OH OH sorry i switched a c for an s, yeah it's true that really makes it very hard to read. do an intro level psych class and you'll learn you don;t have to write or spell even nearly correctly for ppl to understand what you wrote, fact is if one reads at a normal speed (unless you have a reading disability, like you) you shouldn;t even be able to notice mistakes, unless you re-read something.

No, I can understand what you say just fine, But is it really that hard to spell out PEOPLE? it's an extra three letters for crissake. It's annoying.

 

[The Kadvang]

OH OH sorry i switched a c for an s, yeah it's true that really makes it very hard to read. do an intro level psych class and you'll learn you don;t have to write or spell even nearly correctly for ppl to understand what you wrote, fact is if one reads at a normal speed (unless you have a reading disability, like you) you shouldn;t even be able to notice mistakes, unless you re-read something.

End yourself.

 

[JMAC]

No, I can understand what you say just fine, But is it really that hard to spell out PEOPLE? it's an extra three letters for crissake. It's annoying.

OK fine I'll try to type for length for everyone, from now on. Damn IMs they give you very bad writing habits.

 

[rpk1988]

Point is that despite the literary reference in the thread title, the obviousness of the article, and the fact that we were all talking about satire afterwards, this kid still did not get it. Idiot of the Year.

Stop complaining already. Its over. Obv. you are too childish to let things go.


No wait, sorry I made a mistake...people make mistakes right??? OR is this world perfect.

 

[SkaredShtles]

<snip>
No wait, sorry I made a mistake...people make mistakes right??? OR is this world perfect.

Good on ye, mate for admitting it. It would be alot more humorous if you'd have admitted your mistake something like:

"Whoa. I'm a complete dumba$$. You're right - now that I read it again with satire in mind, it's pretty funny. "

-S.S.-

 

[JMAC]

Good on ye, mate for admitting it. It would be alot more humorous if you'd have admitted your mistake something like:

"Whoa. I'm a complete dumba$$. You're right - now that I read it again with satire in mind, it's pretty funny. "

-S.S.-

:nuts:

 

[blue]

Why are so many threads hijacked by the "illiterate witless teenage mafia", and then shut down by the "holier-than-thou 20-40 year olds"?

Though I do tend to side with the holier-than-thous...

 

[JMAC]

Why are so many threads hijacked by the "illiterate witless teenage mafia", and then shut down by the "holier-than-thou 20-40 year olds"?

Though I do tend to side with the holier-than-thous...

Go back to school.....

 

[rpk1988]

Why are so many threads hijacked by the "illiterate witless teenage mafia", and then shut down by the "holier-than-thou 20-40 year olds"?

Though I do tend to side with the holier-than-thous...

Haha.

 

[SkaredShtles]

Why are so many threads hijacked by the "illiterate witless teenage mafia", and then shut down by the "holier-than-thou 20-40 year olds"?

Though I do tend to side with the holier-than-thous...

With age comes wisdom........... you may just be wise beyond your years.

-S.S.-

 

[llkoolkeg]

If PJ's Junior Varsity edition could not be construed, than the original is apt to thoroughly confound...regardless, here it is in its entirety:


A Modest Proposal

For Preventing The Children of Poor People in Ireland
From Being Aburden to Their Parents or Country, and
For Making Them Beneficial to The Public

By Jonathan Swift (1729)

About this text.

It is a melancholy object to those who walk through this great town or travel in the country, when they see the streets, the roads, and cabin doors, crowded with beggars of the female sex, followed by three, four, or six children, all in rags and importuning every passenger for an alms. These mothers, instead of being able to work for their honest livelihood, are forced to employ all their time in strolling to beg sustenance for their helpless infants: who as they grow up either turn thieves for want of work, or leave their dear native country to fight for the Pretender in Spain, or sell themselves to the Barbadoes.
I think it is agreed by all parties that this prodigious number of children in the arms, or on the backs, or at the heels of their mothers, and frequently of their fathers, is in the present deplorable state of the kingdom a very great additional grievance; and, therefore, whoever could find out a fair, cheap, and easy method of making these children sound, useful members of the commonwealth, would deserve so well of the public as to have his statue set up for a preserver of the nation.

But my intention is very far from being confined to provide only for the children of professed beggars; it is of a much greater extent, and shall take in the whole number of infants at a certain age who are born of parents in effect as little able to support them as those who demand our charity in the streets.

 

[llkoolkeg]

As to my own part, having turned my thoughts for many years upon this important subject, and maturely weighed the several schemes of other projectors, I have always found them grossly mistaken in the computation. It is true, a child just dropped from its dam may be supported by her milk for a solar year, with little other nourishment; at most not above the value of 2s., which the mother may certainly get, or the value in scraps, by her lawful occupation of begging; and it is exactly at one year old that I propose to provide for them in such a manner as instead of being a charge upon their parents or the parish, or wanting food and raiment for the rest of their lives, they shall on the contrary contribute to the feeding, and partly to the clothing, of many thousands.

There is likewise another great advantage in my scheme, that it will prevent those voluntary abortions, and that horrid practice of women murdering their bastard children, alas! too frequent among us! sacrificing the poor innocent babes I doubt more to avoid the expense than the shame, which would move tears and pity in the most savage and inhuman breast.

The number of souls in this kingdom being usually reckoned one million and a half, of these I calculate there may be about two hundred thousand couple whose wives are breeders; from which number I subtract thirty thousand couples who are able to maintain their own children, although I apprehend there cannot be so many, under the present distresses of the kingdom; but this being granted, there will remain an hundred and seventy thousand breeders. I again subtract fifty thousand for those women who miscarry, or whose children die by accident or disease within the year. There only remains one hundred and twenty thousand children of poor parents annually born. The question therefore is, how this number shall be reared and provided for, which, as I have already said, under the present situation of affairs, is utterly impossible by all the methods hitherto proposed. For we can neither employ them in handicraft or agriculture; we neither build houses (I mean in the country) nor cultivate land: they can very seldom pick up a livelihood by stealing, till they arrive at six years old, except where they are of towardly parts, although I confess they learn the rudiments much earlier, during which time, they can however be properly looked upon only as probationers, as I have been informed by a principal gentleman in the county of Cavan, who protested to me that he never knew above one or two instances under the age of six, even in a part of the kingdom so renowned for the quickest proficiency in that art.

I am assured by our merchants, that a boy or a girl before twelve years old is no salable commodity; and even when they come to this age they will not yield above three pounds, or three pounds and half-a-crown at most on the exchange; which cannot turn to account either to the parents or kingdom, the charge of nutriment and rags having been at least four times that value.

I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.

I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in London, that a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee or a ragout.

I do therefore humbly offer it to public consideration that of the hundred and twenty thousand children already computed, twenty thousand may be reserved for breed, whereof only one-fourth part to be males; which is more than we allow to sheep, black cattle or swine; and my reason is, that these children are seldom the fruits of marriage, a circumstance not much regarded by our savages, therefore one male will be sufficient to serve four females. That the remaining hundred thousand may, at a year old, be offered in the sale to the persons of quality and fortune through the kingdom; always advising the mother to let them suck plentifully in the last month, so as to render them plump and fat for a good table. A child will make two dishes at an entertainment for friends; and when the family dines alone, the fore or hind quarter will make a reasonable dish, and seasoned with a little pepper or salt will be very good boiled on the fourth day, especially in winter.

I have reckoned upon a medium that a child just born will weigh 12 pounds, and in a solar year, if tolerably nursed, increaseth to 28 pounds.

I grant this food will be somewhat dear, and therefore very proper for landlords, who, as they have already devoured most of the parents, seem to have the best title to the children.

Infant's flesh will be in season throughout the year, but more plentiful in March, and a little before and after; for we are told by a grave author, an eminent French physician, that fish being a prolific diet, there are more children born in Roman Catholic countries about nine months after Lent than at any other season; therefore, reckoning a year after Lent, the markets will be more glutted than usual, because the number of popish infants is at least three to one in this kingdom: and therefore it will have one other collateral advantage, by lessening the number of papists among us.

I have already computed the charge of nursing a beggar's child (in which list I reckon all cottagers, laborers, and four-fifths of the farmers) to be about two shillings per annum, rags included; and I believe no gentleman would repine to give ten shillings for the carcass of a good fat child, which, as I have said, will make four dishes of excellent nutritive meat, when he hath only some particular friend or his own family to dine with him. Thus the squire will learn to be a good landlord, and grow popular among his tenants; the mother will have eight shillings net profit, and be fit for work till she produces another child.

Those who are more thrifty (as I must confess the times require) may flay the carcass; the skin of which artificially dressed will make admirable gloves for ladies, and summer boots for fine gentlemen.

As to our city of Dublin, shambles may be appointed for this purpose in the most convenient parts of it, and butchers we may be assured will not be wanting; although I rather recommend buying the children alive, and dressing them hot from the knife, as we do roasting pigs.

A very worthy person, a true lover of his country, and whose virtues I highly esteem, was lately pleased in discoursing on this matter to offer a refinement upon my scheme. He said that many gentlemen of this kingdom, having of late destroyed their deer, he conceived that the want of venison might be well supplied by the bodies of young lads and maidens, not exceeding fourteen years of age nor under twelve; so great a number of both sexes in every country being now ready to starve for want of work and service; and these to be disposed of by their parents, if alive, or otherwise by their nearest relations. But with due deference to so excellent a friend and so deserving a patriot, I cannot be altogether in his sentiments; for as to the males, my American acquaintance assured me, from frequent experience, that their flesh was generally tough and lean, like that of our schoolboys by continual exercise, and their taste disagreeable; and to fatten them would not answer the charge. Then as to the females, it would, I think, with humble submission be a loss to the public, because they soon would become breeders themselves; and besides, it is not improbable that some scrupulous people might be apt to censure such a practice (although indeed very unjustly), as a little bordering upon cruelty; which, I confess, hath always been with me the strongest objection against any project, however so well intended.