I posted this on another MTB board last night, just for fun, in response to a question about compact road frames. I thought y'all might enjoy it, too, in light of the discussion of triples (which also contributed to the genesis of this rant). So here you go. Note that, in reality I don't care what you ride so long as you ride it.
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Y'know, I was thinking about compact geometry on my ride tonight. And as I gazed at the ratty old hoods on my otherwise pristine and lovely roadie, I decided that I blame you. That's right, you. And you. And yes, you too.
"Why o why wooglin, is a man who pedals with such fluidity and grace as yourself riding on ratty old hoods" you might ask. Well I'll tell you why. Its because they don't make white hoods anymore. Noooooo. They make nasty looking black hoods. And you know why? Because of you dirty, hairy-legged, baggie-wearin, aesthetically challenged mountain bikers. Buncha ****in goth wannabes if you ask me. Black is for lycra shorts. That's it. Its not for rims, its not for spokes, and its not for cranks or brifters or derailleurs or stems or bars or seatposts (cf excepted). Those things should be silver. That's right, silver. Not black you tatooed and pierced bunch of dirtbag ex-skate punks. AND BRAKE HOODS SHOULD BE WHITE OR GUM!!! Write that on your foreheads, would you?
"But what about those cool flat black frames" you'll ask in your whiney little voices. Frames are painted. Yes, with paint. Not powder coated. And appropriate colors are anything bright or metallic flecked. And they have decals proudly announcing their marque and tubes. And most important of all, they are all shiney-like and waxed to a sheen you buncha dirt grubbing slime would normally only associate with the compact discs (I'm reaching here, bear with me. Being crotchety isn't as easy as it looks) that contain your frenetically monochorded "music". And believe me, I use that term very loosely. I have one word for those of you who want a flat black, decal free road frame. Bite me.
"What's this got to do with compact geometry" will no doubt be the next (and only since there's not room for more) inane thought in your otherwise vacuous head. Compact geometry is useful to the person riding a bike for one reason and one reason only. You know what it is? Of course not Mr. "If you don't crash you're not trying hard enough", multi-concussed freak. Its for clearance at the TT. And who needs clearance at the TT? Yep, that's right. The same people who's idea of a good time is "hucking" (I'm so Xtreeeeeemmmeee). All that other ***** about the utility of compact frames is just that, *****. And its been fed to you by the manufacturers so they only have to make 3 or 4 different sizes. And you've fallen for it hook line and sinker. You even think it looks cool, so cool that when you finally do realize that riding on the road is as close to heaven as you'll see in this lifetime you actually have the audacity to pay good money for a compact road frame. You prefer it in fact. Cretin. If I ever get stuck buying a compact frame because there's nothing else available I'm going to hunt you down like a dog and jam a peanut butter wrench so far up your baggie ass you'll be able to adjust cones with your tongue.
But of course it doesn't end there. Not even close. Because the grand daddy of all the idiotic ideas foisted on real cyclists by you scummy mountain bikers is, you guessed it, indexed shifting. And not just any indexed shifting but integrated indexed shifting. Because of you there's a whole generation of benighted Lance wannabes (Eddie, now there's a man who could turn a pedal in anger) out there who lack any semblance of skills whatsoever. Hell, they don't even have to let go of the bars to shift so they can't even ride one handed (let alone no handed) smoothly. ****ers are constantly dropping water bottles in the pace line and then we all have to stop and wait for their pansy asses aboard their Trek "aren't these postal colors cool" Madone (ridden no more than 20 miles at a stretch). And their shifting skills? Non-existent. They shift like a bull in a china shop and their goddam perennially maladjusted drivetrains impinge on my ride chi, and its all because douchebag mountain bikers, yes, like you, can't hear their drive train in cruddy conditions and so needed a system that would slot them into gear with no muss and no fuss. Tools. But the jokes on you because you then bought into triggers and ... wait for it ... 9sp. Ha! Talk about an accident waiting to happen, I chortle every time I see some dirty assed MTBer with shifters, knowing that eventually, and probably sooner rather than later, they're going to be stranded out there in the woods. Probably cry for mommy like little babies out there too.
Thats it, I've had it. I'm popping A Sunday in Hell in the VCR and spinning on the rollers with a bottle of endurox unitl my heart rate goes back down. Next week, triples, their origins (look down moron), and why you better be carrying loaded panniers if you're riding one on the road or I'll kick your ass. And lets not even get started on aluminum.
W00t!!
*********************
Y'know, I was thinking about compact geometry on my ride tonight. And as I gazed at the ratty old hoods on my otherwise pristine and lovely roadie, I decided that I blame you. That's right, you. And you. And yes, you too.
"Why o why wooglin, is a man who pedals with such fluidity and grace as yourself riding on ratty old hoods" you might ask. Well I'll tell you why. Its because they don't make white hoods anymore. Noooooo. They make nasty looking black hoods. And you know why? Because of you dirty, hairy-legged, baggie-wearin, aesthetically challenged mountain bikers. Buncha ****in goth wannabes if you ask me. Black is for lycra shorts. That's it. Its not for rims, its not for spokes, and its not for cranks or brifters or derailleurs or stems or bars or seatposts (cf excepted). Those things should be silver. That's right, silver. Not black you tatooed and pierced bunch of dirtbag ex-skate punks. AND BRAKE HOODS SHOULD BE WHITE OR GUM!!! Write that on your foreheads, would you?
"But what about those cool flat black frames" you'll ask in your whiney little voices. Frames are painted. Yes, with paint. Not powder coated. And appropriate colors are anything bright or metallic flecked. And they have decals proudly announcing their marque and tubes. And most important of all, they are all shiney-like and waxed to a sheen you buncha dirt grubbing slime would normally only associate with the compact discs (I'm reaching here, bear with me. Being crotchety isn't as easy as it looks) that contain your frenetically monochorded "music". And believe me, I use that term very loosely. I have one word for those of you who want a flat black, decal free road frame. Bite me.
"What's this got to do with compact geometry" will no doubt be the next (and only since there's not room for more) inane thought in your otherwise vacuous head. Compact geometry is useful to the person riding a bike for one reason and one reason only. You know what it is? Of course not Mr. "If you don't crash you're not trying hard enough", multi-concussed freak. Its for clearance at the TT. And who needs clearance at the TT? Yep, that's right. The same people who's idea of a good time is "hucking" (I'm so Xtreeeeeemmmeee). All that other ***** about the utility of compact frames is just that, *****. And its been fed to you by the manufacturers so they only have to make 3 or 4 different sizes. And you've fallen for it hook line and sinker. You even think it looks cool, so cool that when you finally do realize that riding on the road is as close to heaven as you'll see in this lifetime you actually have the audacity to pay good money for a compact road frame. You prefer it in fact. Cretin. If I ever get stuck buying a compact frame because there's nothing else available I'm going to hunt you down like a dog and jam a peanut butter wrench so far up your baggie ass you'll be able to adjust cones with your tongue.
But of course it doesn't end there. Not even close. Because the grand daddy of all the idiotic ideas foisted on real cyclists by you scummy mountain bikers is, you guessed it, indexed shifting. And not just any indexed shifting but integrated indexed shifting. Because of you there's a whole generation of benighted Lance wannabes (Eddie, now there's a man who could turn a pedal in anger) out there who lack any semblance of skills whatsoever. Hell, they don't even have to let go of the bars to shift so they can't even ride one handed (let alone no handed) smoothly. ****ers are constantly dropping water bottles in the pace line and then we all have to stop and wait for their pansy asses aboard their Trek "aren't these postal colors cool" Madone (ridden no more than 20 miles at a stretch). And their shifting skills? Non-existent. They shift like a bull in a china shop and their goddam perennially maladjusted drivetrains impinge on my ride chi, and its all because douchebag mountain bikers, yes, like you, can't hear their drive train in cruddy conditions and so needed a system that would slot them into gear with no muss and no fuss. Tools. But the jokes on you because you then bought into triggers and ... wait for it ... 9sp. Ha! Talk about an accident waiting to happen, I chortle every time I see some dirty assed MTBer with shifters, knowing that eventually, and probably sooner rather than later, they're going to be stranded out there in the woods. Probably cry for mommy like little babies out there too.
Thats it, I've had it. I'm popping A Sunday in Hell in the VCR and spinning on the rollers with a bottle of endurox unitl my heart rate goes back down. Next week, triples, their origins (look down moron), and why you better be carrying loaded panniers if you're riding one on the road or I'll kick your ass. And lets not even get started on aluminum.
W00t!!
neaky:
