[JohnE]

http://lonelymachines.org/mall-ninjas/

Greatest sh#t ever...if only he mentioned mac and cheese...

 

[ultraNoob]

Oh man... that was gold... pure comedy gold!

Gecko 45 writes:
No, you blithering idiot, that was a preliminary wants list, but now that our team has concluded that HK’s are brass-bending plastic liability sortagunz, we have completely abandoned that original list and our carbines will be supplied by Hi-Point, or handguns by Lorcin, our backup weapons by Jennings, and our SMG’s and 7.62 battle rifles(SW3’s) by Special Weapons.

This passage really got me rolling. I mean, I had a lorcin 380 literally blow up in my hand 200 rounds in. It was given to me as a gift... I gave it back (in pieces... dad was dismayed but happy he didn't kill me). That thread was complete and utter douchbaggery to the n'th power. The best laugh I've had this month!

 

[Lowlight7]

Thanks for posting that. Rep will be spread.

On this particular fateful day my team was assigned to patrol Sector Zebra-1, the mall. It was an uneventful day, until the unthinkable happened…It was about 8:45PM, and the mall was closing and nearly empty. Me and my ’shadow’ were sweeping quadrant 069E, the mall arcade, a known hotspot for Asian Gangs and assorted thugs. The arcade was located at the far east end of the mall, next to the movie theater and the orange julius.I smelled trouble, and couldn’t spot any movement from the arcade, which was unusual due to the presence of a new Mortal Compact arcade game. Those Asians Gangs love Mortal Combat.I went to “condition red,” and discretely unholstered my Glock17 loaded with Black Talons. I motioned to my partner to sweep right to flank the arcade, but he was already in motion sensing the trouble in my facial expression. My partner drew his S&W 1006 and went prone behind a potted palm tree.I crept towards the arcade, when the power went out. It was an ambush! I could still see relatively well due to the full moon, shining through the building’s skylights, and years in a dark secret Russian prison center had honed my natural night vision to that of a tomcat.A perp popped up from behind the Orange Julius counter with a full auto Kalashnikov with a 75rd drum, and opened up in the direction of my partner, meanwhile two perps popped up from behind the skeeball machine with sawed off 12 gauges. Another two perps appeared on the upper level and brought down hell-fire on us from above. One had a Winchester Model 70 in .30-06 with a 10x scope and the other was laying down suppressive fire with a Mac10 variant. The perps were all sporting cheap russian NVGs.I dove under a metal bench, and lined my sights on the AK bandit. A double-tap to the chest, and a quick follow-up to the head brought him down like a sack of potatos. My partner had been hit in the leg by some buckshot but he kept fighting like a champ, he took out one of the shotgunners with a 10mm hollowpoint to the temple, while I started unloading into the glass partition that surrounded the upper level. When the sniper ran for cover I drew a bead on him, adjusted for distance, and dropped two into his abdomen. The Mac-man ran for it, at the sight of the bloody guts pouring out his partner’s stomach.I did a quick tactical reload, grabbed the 870P from the harness on my back, and did some rolls over to the movie theater and back flipped over the concession counter while unloading the 5 rounds of 000 into the skeeball machine. My partner was pinned down, I tossed the empty 870, and realized I couldn’t hit the remaining perp due to my the poor angle of attack. I had to act fast or my partner was done for. I leap over the counter again, and low crawled towards the arcade unseen. I crept behind the Mrs. PacMan game, and when I heard the perp reload, jumped up with my trusty K-Bar, and threw it into the perp’s arm, pinning him against the wall behind him.When the smoke cleared, we had three dead perps, and two very scared prisoners.

 

[ultraNoob]

I never knew the mall (specifically sector Zebra-1) and the arcade (my bad.. quadrant 069E) was so dangerous and filled with gang members.... that must be one really well dressed gang though.

 

[Lowlight7]

It's an average day at work for those of us in the security profession.

 

[ultraNoob]

If that's average, I'd love to get a description of a rough day.

 

[MikeD]

It's an average day at work for those of us in the security profession.

On an average day, don't you normally win a few rolls of skee-ball before shooting the damned thing up?

 

[JohnE]

...after hitting on the girl at Sunglass Hut...

 

[MikeD]

Gecko45 is the MOAT. (Mother Of All Trolls.)

 

[ultraNoob]

I'm surprised Gecko45 and his lover SpecOps never mentioned grenades.... but they did mention shrikes. They must have some awesome intel too. I never knew there were Austrialian Militants in the USA.

Gecko45 writes:
You are a doofus, of course there is no anti-armor capabilities for golf carts, the UNIMOG was woth the anti-armor work though. We would never consider using any missles larger than our modified surplus Shrikes, Hellfires are completly out of the question. also, ourgolf carts are modified, and can take abouse alot tougher than golf balls..

Also, Neonazi skinhead gangs are the most difficult thing we currently must deal with, it is not Chechin thzat we have to worry about, it is the Australian militants, and I dan’t care if they reed this, they allready know that we are onto them and we will not give up.

Shrike Missle

 

[Lowlight7]

Shrike Missle[/url]

Yes, I was also wondering what they planned on doing with anti-radar missiles.

I generally shoot the claw machines first, because I really want that that lobster-shaped harmonica.

 

[JohnE]

Never heard of the Aussie militant threat? You guys obviously dont know Partsbara. And VB lurks about on the fringes of the movement...

 

[Lowlight7]

Never heard of the Aussie militant threat?

We are on to them and we will not quit. We know that fairy bread is in fact part of the Vast Homosexual Australian Conspiracy. We know the evils of the Tim Tam slam.

No American shall suffer through Vegemite or Bertie Beetles, or refer to their fanny pack as a "Bumbag" while I still draw breath.

 

[JohnE]

See if you can do something about The Wiggles and Paul Hogan while you are at it. But leave Kylie Minogue to me...I will handle her.

 

[valve bouncer]

Come the revolution you f*ckers are the first against the wall. Long live the Free Australia Republican Commando Unit!

 

[Lowlight7]

Preemptive strike: Aussie rules football is whack.

 

[ultraNoob]

Apparently "Mall Ninja" is a real title. Now I'm really freaked out by this. I swear I'll have to bring some cheap russian NVG's next time I go to the mall.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=mall+ninja

 

[JohnE]

Come the revolution you f*ckers are the first against the wall. Long live the Free Australia Republican Commando Unit!

The FARC-U, ehh? Can I join, please? I have references...

 

[MikeD]

Apparently "Mall Ninja" is a real title. Now I'm really freaked out by this. I swear I'll have to bring some cheap russian NVG's next time I go to the mall.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=mall+ninja

Mall Ninjas were around long before Gecko45 posted on the Internet. Whoever he is just decided to troll on the Net posing as the greatest Mall Ninja of all time.

 

[valve bouncer]

The FARC-U, ehh? Can I join, please? I have references...

Are you a total scumbag with complete disregard for human life and dignity.....ha,ha,ha stupid question, you're in!!!!

 

[caputo1989]

The last post by specops would make a really good end scene to a summer action blockbuster.

Actually that whole thread could be a movie.
THE STORY OF A TRUE MALL NINJAlthumbsdown:

 

[JohnE]

The last post by specops would make a really good end scene to a summer action blockbuster.

Actually that whole thread could be a movie.
THE STORY OF A TRUE MALL NINJAlthumbsdown:

Yes, but who would star? I see Shia Leboof as the young Mall Ninja, struggling with the underground mall crime syndicates and Austrailian militants, while trying to cure his acne and score with the hot rich chick from Aeropostale (Eva Mendes), while his cute but overworked and unappreciated friend (Lindsay Lohan, on hiatus from rehab...) from Hot Dog on a Stick (Orange Julius?) secretly pines for him. Sylvester Stallone can be the Senior Ninja, unless we can get Chuck Norris...
Who to represent the forces of evil? We need Russians, Asians and Aussies...
I see Lucy Lawless as the evil but sexy leader of the Aussie Militants. Jackie Chan as the bumbling yet cunning leader of the Asians, and Yakov Smirnoff as the Capo of the Russina Mafia.

 

[Lowlight7]

For bad guys, I was thinking Gary Oldman could reprise his role as the russian dude from Air Force One. ("Get off my golf cart!"). The Bad Guy from Wolfe Creek could play the head Aussie. We'd need some wushu masters to play the asians... Jet Li maybe?

Hugo Weaving could play the Security Chief.

Chuck Norris could play a reclusive and creepy retired gunsmith that works at Harry and David, and takes up his old profession again to aid the Mall Ninjas in their quest against the militants, a la Hattori Hanzo. His name could be Remington. ("You must have big rats, you need Remington's steel...") ("Funny... you like customized shotguns. I like Ultimate Frisbee.")

I picture Tom Selleck and Johnny Knoxville in there somewhere, too...

EDIT: OK, I got it. Hugo's character is the slightly evil security chief who's mean to the Mall Ninjas. The Rock would play Lebouf's ninja mentor who dies tragically at the hands of the militants and thus forces Lebouf's coming-of-age, and Knoxville would be The Rock's sidekick. Tom Selleck is the big pimpin' manager of Sports Authority and boyfriend to the Eva Mendez character (I don't much care for her... Perhaps Dina Meyer?).

I'm thinking The Rock would die in a Rafer Janders, teary-eyed, "I must kill my friend to save him from his horrible fate" scene.

This is EPIC.

 

[caputo1989]

Don forget the NoeNazi group led up by Edward Norton
We need to have Burt Reynalds in there somewhere.
Jim Brewer as the guy outside the Orange Julius.

 

[JohnE]

...Chuck Norris could play a reclusive and creepy retired gunsmith that works at Harry and David, and takes up his old profession again to aid the Mall Ninjas in their quest against the militants...

Chuck must come in reluctantly, as all reclusive and creepy types do in movies...hiding some kind of inner turmoil,

 

[yamaguy01]

I know a few guys like this except they are mtn. bikers and experts at a few other things. Not sure if they mastered mall security yet but I'll let you know as soon as I hear one of them tell this tail.

 

[ultraNoob]

I know a few guys like this except they are mtn. bikers

... trail ninjas? Are they all over the place in Japan?

 

[Kevin]

Never heard of the Aussie militant threat? You guys obviously dont know Partsbara.

where the hell is he anyways? time to read your messages paul, i might just be able to make it to norcal this winter

 

[JohnE]

where the hell is he anyways? time to read your messages paul, i might just be able to make it to norcal this winter

Hes all Norcal now...too gnar gnar for the RM!

(He lurks now and again, when he's on the piss...)

 

[yamaguy01]

... trail ninjas? Are they all over the place in Japan?

Trail Ninja is a good name for it. It's a little more subtle than just calling them liars. Not all of these guys ride though. I only know two of them here, I work with one of them.