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Discussion in 'Downhill & Freeride' started by 'size, Jun 12, 2012.
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he sold his soul for the rock jesus roll
Martin whitley takes the fun out of everything by understanding it thoroughly, and conveying that understanding sufficiently.
I'd much rather make rock jesus jokes and call everyone he beats sinners, asking specifically what they've done in the last week to displease zeus.
I'm with woo
Just watched martin's interveiw. He knows a lot. About everything he said makes sense. One thing I never really thought about was what he said about Val de sole. Shaving microseconds off every little part and it adds up to about eight seconds.
Accurate & concise analysis by a true professional. Ruining speculation net wide.
we just need to raise the bar on speculation
yeah that interview was weak, screw that martin whitely guy for ruining everything.
Ok, I will give it a shot for Jon...
Who would win between RJ and JC? Before I get into the actual speculation, a few conditionals first -
* We're talking about hippie Jesus, not baby Jeebus
* Since hippie Jesus is/was a pretty powerful deity, we will try keep things on the up and up and formally prohibit "excessive" use of super hippie powers, although some King James magic is to be expected.
* While part of me wants to make this historical accurate with Jesus on a DH borough, I think the only fair thing to do is let Jesus use a medium carbon Session (but to spice things up, I'll throw Maxxis DHFs on his ride, and let RJ rock the Bontys)
* To make sure Jesus feels comfortable riding at WC race speeds, lets throw on some Babylonian leg armor and one of those sweet Roman fighting hats...To wit
* Not real familiar with the geography around Jerusalem, but let's build us a new track at the Golan Heights. May be a little home court advantage for Jesus, but I think the ol'boy deserves something for coming back from the dead (and beating the hell out of the Easter Bunny and Cadbury execs).
Ok, now that is out of the way, let's break this seminal battle down:
RJ strengths - he is buff and according to monkeys that have seen him shirtless in the pits, his prodigious arms glisten with baby oil and sweat. As the name implies, the dude smashes rocks (even East Koast Rox) and even the Hulk is privately envious (i.e. green) of his rock clobbering style. Pontiac Ram Air style oxygen induction system via his toothless grill - this provides him an almost unprecedented level of DH fitness. Big time moto and BMX background helps him point at 60 foot jumps and laugh with impunity. Doesn't drink libations (aside from a few drops of champagne spray), although according to Peat, this may actually be a weakness. That said, RJ is on top now, so we'll say abstinence is the way forward. Fairly compact body, which keeps his COG low and allows him to lean into corners, unlike taller riders (<-- NOTE: speculative RM theory, not yet confirmed). Has John "Yoda" Tomac instructing him on the art of DH domination.
RJ weaknesses - While many (including RJ himself) disagree with the idea that RJ struggles in the wet, let's say for the sake of argument, it's not his preferred conditions. No power tats...Nope, nothing I know of. No 1/2 sleeve, no tribal band, no crosses...Just a blank canvas (altho I have never seen him shirtless in the pits). That said, one must be cautious with the power tat, as while it seems to be helping Mr. Hill regain his from, Duncan appears to have tapped all his power tat reserves last year. He jumps like a dead fish. No style, no 270* whips, no metal horns to the crowd...just low and fast.
JC strengths - Man is ripped up. His core strength is the envy of even the most venerated exercise gurus like Chuck Norris, Gilead, and Jake the Body. And since he basically walked everywhere, we have to assume he has a pretty high level of basic fitness. Simple diet rich in protein and (good) carbs. No preservatives, no high fructose corn syrup - just fish, goat cheese, goat milk, goat hamburgers, and fresh baked bread. Hard to beat that, eh? God > Tomac...Sorry, but that's just a fact. Needless to say, the guy knows what to do in the wet stuff. I would also say he has a pretty solid mastery of rox, given his cave-boulder toss when he woke up the first time (altho, he was in pissed off zombie mode at this point, so it's hard to say how this impacts overall strength).
JC weaknesses - A full set of teeth up front, so no Ram Air induction. No power tats that we know of. Based on some conveniently absent Gospels, the dude has a temper (e.g. blinded a guy for making fun of his [human] dad's carpentry work). Is friends with Mel Gibson - enough said. On flats, and moreover, no stealth rubber on his sandals (think Rat Boy). Known to have a few drinks in the day. Maybe not like Ced, but if you can make wine out of water, you're going to get pretty toasty on the regulars (not to mention that nasty sulfite hangover). Certain members of his crew aren't the most trustworthy people around. Not a fan of man-made wooden trail features.
As for the race itself, I would think it would go down like this:
RJ comes out hard on the pedals and lays down a blazing first split. Since it doesn't seem to rain often in this part of the world, RJ feels like he is at home in dry, dusty conditions. As always, the rock gardens are a laughable affair for RJ, and many of the rocks are subsequently collected and installed in the Wailing Wall given how badly they have been beaten. So far, his Bonty tires are holding up and no wash outs. However, about half way down, a plague of locusts descends on RJ, which is especially unpleasant with his Ram Air system inhaling dozens of the little guys. RJ has to come to stop to extract the grasshoppers (or swallow them), but is back on the bike in short order. UCI officials immediately suspect JC's tampering and assess a 10 second penalty to JC. JC blinds one of them in response, then feels bad, and heals him minutes later. RJ hitting the big jumps stiffly and sans aero-grace, but cleanly. Final sprint to finish and RJ cruises through at 3:16", and 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin is seen nodding in approval. JC up next, and coming out on fire (or at least the nearby bushes are on fire). Up on RJ by an amazing 20 seconds at the first split! All the training with his strength coach Goliath really seems to be paying off. As expected, he tosses what's left of the rock garden aside like so many stoning rocks. All the time, Warner is screaming "Look at the timeeeee!!". Hit's the first jump, and ET's (across the moon scene) his way over all the subsequent jumps. Slips a sandal, but no matter, he blasts across the finish line with a shocking time of 66.6 seconds. Immediately shakes up a couple bottles of merlot and dumps it on himself and a dejected RJ. As the hot chicks from Sodom are getting ready to present him with flowers and the rainbow robe, a UCI official grabs the mic and declares that JC's blood test just came back and he tested (way) positive for frankincense. Thus, RJ's winning streak continues.
I lost it here...
Hilarious man, you should have sent that to Dirt, it deserves to be seen in print.
hallelujah my brothers.
jackalope just won the internet
seriously. +1000 internets
I think Whitley is obscuring the obvious when he blathers on about "Natural Talent".
Read "Talent Is Overrated" to understand this. Thanks Gene.
I think he's pushing voodoo and pulling the Jedi mind trick on all the other contenders to protect his charge. Very smart guy.
What? You think he'd reveal the secret squirrel tears Gwin uses for everyone?
I thought Gwin won alot of race in the first sector + of the track and then basically held the advantage the rest of the way down. Didn't happen at VDS but happened a couple times i think.......
I could look up the splits to verify but......ohh well.....
he just invented a new genre of DH super dork fan fiction, I will admit it was fairly clever!
Gotta wonder how horrified Gwin would be to read this blasphemy?
What if he's one of us?!
def a possibility. there's a fair amount of industry folk who lurk.
Val di sole,
"he made time by being faster over the entire track".
Hmmm what a concept.
Doc brown makes time with a flux capacitor
I guess he didn't make up all 8 seconds on one corner like I first suspected! I guess that would have been a hell of a corner...
Some John Madden level commentary!
I just realized that RJ is Rock Jesus not Ron Jeremy. That was a really weird story up until that point.
Seeing you in a lot of race edit vids of late Stickmam, may even have more camera time than some of the riders. No point really other than to state my observations.
1s one corner was Sam's things. You need to update your RM lore