[jacksonpt]

I've been in a pretty lousy mood lately, so my perception of things is a bit skewed.

I don't like birthdays, particularly my own. I don't like parties, I don't like the attention, I don't like the expectations that come along with birthdays. My wife LOVES them, she loves an excuse to throw a party and have people over and blow $300 on food and such. My 30th is next month, so I'm disliking birthdays more this year than in the past (fearing that some extravagent ordeal is in the works).

Side Note:
My truck is long past its prime, but for a few reasons, I've been trying desperately to hold on it. We (my wife and I) have decided to get me something small and economical, with fun being low on the priority list since I'll be keeping my truck. We've decided on a Toyota Matrix - something that will fit the bill nicely, but I'm not exactly struggling to contain my excitement (I'm a truck guy...). Don't get me wrong... it's a nice little car, and 32mpg gives me a woody, but it's not a truck - it can't do anything cool.

OK, back on topic...

Yesterday I was over at the toyota dealership where my wife works. They had just gotten a matrix in that was pretty close to what we were looking for. I went over for a test drive and we got to talking. She said if I liked it that it would be my birthday present. Turns out is was missing a couple of options that I am pretty set on (ABS, air bags, etc.), so we decided to wait for something better equiped to come in.

If we had decided to go with the car, she would have made a big deal out of it... perhaps to go so far as to bring it home with a bow on it with a me and a group of people at the house (and thus the start of a bday party).

She knows how I feel about the car (being necessay but not all that exciting).

OK, now comes the "am I just being an ass" part...

My attitude is that if she's going to do a big thing (more than just dinner with the kids), then take the time to think up something I'd be excited about. Doesn't have to be big or fancy or expensive (a day of riding would be a kickass gift and wouldn't cost anything)... just something geared more towards my interests.

I couldn't help but feel a little put off by her using the car as an excuse not to put any real thought into my gift. Now, I know I'm being an ass by not being excited about the car, but it's just not my "thing" (and I hate the thought of adding another car payment). But should I be perturbed by her not putting any real thought into my gift? I'm certainly NOT a hard person to shop for, and she knows that better than anyone.

 

[johnbryanpeters]

Hard one.

On the one hand, you seem to want a no-fuss birthday. On the other, you want her to put some thought into it. Are you sure you know what you want and what she intends?

Good luck!

 

[douglas]

yup, you are being an ass..........but I more than likely would be the same way.

BUT how do you know, there wont be another more thoughtful fun gift???


my last GF for my Bday, bought me (me=us) concert tickets, and paid for us to go away for the w/e (paid for us=she paid 1/2 and I paid 1/2), which was fine, except over the whole w/e I only "got some" once

but after, she must have mentioned a zilion times how she spent so much money on my bday - which made me pretty pissed off

 

[binary visions]

Um.

You guys decided to buy a family car.

You made it clear that you were not thrilled about the car, but were happy to settle for it because it was practical.

And she wants to make a big gift out of it like she's giving you something special?

I understand not wanting to spend a lot of extra money since you're buying this new car, but... Jenn wants a new coffee table for the living room and I've agreed that we'll be buying it eventually - it's a nice table, for sure, but I don't get worked up over furniture. I'd be a bit put out if we bought it together and she threw a bow on it and made it seem like it was a present for me, though.

 

[biggins]

i spent my 30th birthday in the woods rock climbing and camping all weekend.

spent all of about 100 bucks for the entire weekend.

the now ex-girlfriend got me a kickass shirt and a frisbee which were both very thoughtfull gifts.

i am not much of a party person either. my other option was for a big party with all kinds of drunken debauchery. I chose the woods.

 

[jacksonpt]

Hard one.

On the one hand, you seem to want a no-fuss birthday. On the other, you want her to put some thought into it. Are you sure you know what you want and what she intends?

Good luck!

I want no birthday at all, no party, no gift, nothing... but if she's going to make me suffer through a party, I want her to put some thought into a gift.

 

[H8R]

I don't like birthdays, particularly my own. I don't like parties, I don't like the attention, I don't like the expectations that come along with birthdays. My wife LOVES them, she loves an excuse to throw a party and have people over and blow $300 on food and such.

Same here.

I don't want all that crap either. I like presents though.


My perfect birthday?

Let me sleep in, wake me up with coffee, and give me something totally unexpected and unneccessary.

But make sure no one else knows it's my birthday.


Sound about right?



(btw - my b-day was last Saturday, and it went just right. I slept till 1pm, laid around the house, ate some good food, and I got a couple CD's.)

 

[I Are Baboon]

The way I see, you'd be getting the car now even if your birthday was in November. So, that should not be a gift IMO. Maybe if you wanted a new truck but the wife was dead set against it, then told you OK because it's your 30th birthday, that'd be a different story.

Also, it's possible wifey is using the Matrix talk as a way of distracting you from what your "real" gift might be. Don't underestimate the power of a creative female mind.

 

[SkaredShtles]

I think you should talk about this with your wife, not a bunch of s.

 

[stinkyboy]

Hold out.

 

[jacksonpt]

BUT how do you know, there wont be another more thoughtful fun gift???

Because I know my wife. She won't tell me to take the day an go riding in Rochester with Victor (which would be my dream bday present, btw). I already have 2 very nice bikes, she won't buy me another one (she wouldn't know what to buy anyways). She doesn't like the fact that riding takes away from potential "quality family time", so she won't do anything that encourages me to ride. She hates my truck so she won't buy me anything to help get it fixed up.

To her, birthdays are about parties and friends and family and such. I don't have friends for a reason, and I don't like the bulk of my family. My attitude on birtdays is completely foreign to her.

 

[Angus]

I think you should talk about this with your wife, not a bunch of s.

I agree withh SS it's not so much your being an ass, its just that you need to communicate your thoughts and feeling with your Wife, if you don't it really f@#ks up a relationship.

You can't change the way you feel about things, but you can work on ways to communicate how you feel.....

 

[I Are Baboon]

Because I know my wife. She won't tell me to take the day an go riding in Rochester with Victor (which would be my dream bday present, btw). I already have 2 very nice bikes, she won't buy me another one (she wouldn't know what to buy anyways). She doesn't like the fact that riding takes away from potential "quality family time", so she won't do anything that encourages me to ride. She hates my truck so she won't buy me anything to help get it fixed up.

To her, birthdays are about parties and friends and family and such. I don't have friends for a reason, and I don't like the bulk of my family. My attitude on birtdays is completely foreign to her.

:wonky2:

 

[jacksonpt]

Same here.

I don't want all that crap either. I like presents though.


My perfect birthday?

Let me sleep in, wake me up with coffee, and give me something totally unexpected and unneccessary.

But make sure no one else knows it's my birthday.


Sound about right?

EXACTLY!

(btw - my b-day was last Saturday, and it went just right. I slept till 1pm, laid around the house, ate some good food, and I got a couple CD's.)

Nice!

 

[Angus]

To her, birthdays are about parties and friends and family and such. I don't have friends for a reason, and I don't like the bulk of my family. My attitude on birtdays is completely foreign to her.

Have you told her about your attitude?

Does She know you love your truck?

there are times we don't understand our spouses because they don't think or act like we would. thats where you have to improve on your communication skills... I know it sounds like a pain in the ass, but I have been there in similiar situations, banged my head against the wall many times. Now that I have taken time and try to discuss me and her who we are and what moves us, it's alot better, even the Extra-curricular activities if you know what I mean...

 

[jacksonpt]

I think you should talk about this with your wife, not a bunch of s.

We've talked about it in the past, and she's gotten better about it. She knows how I feel and what I want and is pretty good about it. She has trouble when our (really her) friends ask about my bday... especially the ones who know I'm going to be 30. People who like bday parties pressuring her into throwing a party (knowing how she feels about parties) doesn't usually lead to a quiet, relaxing day with the kids.

It is what it is, and I can deal with it... but at the dealership yesterday we had this exchange:

Her: The car was going to be your birthday present if you like it
Me: (half in gest) So you're using this as an excuse not to get me a real gift?
Her: (seriously) Yep... so I don't have to waste a trip to the mall

Again - I don't care if she get's me a gift or not... but if you're going to pass off something as a bday gift, put some thought into it and get the person something they'll be excited about.

I couldn't help but be annoyed by that exchange.

 

[H8R]

BTW -

Just for reference, I have a Ford Ranger and I love it. ABS and driver's and passenger airbags are standard, and it gets great mileage for a pickup.

 

[jacksonpt]

Have you told her about your attitude?

Does She know you love your truck?

there are times we don't understand our spouses because they don't think or act like we would. thats where you have to improve on your communication skills... I know it sounds like a pain in the ass, but I have been there in similiar situations, banged my head against the wall many times. Now that I have taken time and try to discuss me and her who we are and what moves us, it's alot better, even the Extra-curricular activities if you know what I mean...

Yes, she knows exactly how I feel about my truck (she wanted me to get rid of it 4 years ago), and we had a good talk after the surprise bday party she threw for me back when we were first married.

She knows.

 

[SkaredShtles]

<snip>

I couldn't help but be annoyed by that exchange.

I'd say if you don't want a party & fuss, then forget about a "meaningful" gift. It sounds like you're sending a mixed message.

 

[McGRP01]

Because I know my wife. She won't tell me to take the day an go riding (which would be my dream bday present, btw). I already have 2 very nice bikes, she won't buy me another one (she wouldn't know what to buy anyways). She doesn't like the fact that riding takes away from potential "quality family time", so she won't do anything that encourages me to ride. She hates my truck so she won't buy me anything to help get it fixed up.

Are our wives related?

 

[jacksonpt]

:wonky2:

Yea... it's really the only big sticking poitn we have (that being gift-giving occasions, but particularly my birthday).

I understand her point of view though... I HATE getting her jewelry. It's impersonal, she has a ton of it, but rarely wears most of it... but I know how much she likes it so I keep getting it for her because it makes her happy.

 

[jacksonpt]

I'd say if you don't want a party & fuss, then forget about a "meaningful" gift. It sounds like you're sending a mixed message.

I can't see how that's the case... but I'll keep that in mind as the bday topic comes up in the future.

 

[sanjuro]

Let's say for her birthday, you took her fishing, then to a football game, and then to the sports bar for a bunch of drinks. You might have spent $500, but she would probably mad as h.

I think it is important to do what you want on your birthday (although be prepared to throw that kick-ass birthday party you say your wife enjoys). Obviously, you don't want to disappear into the mountains for a weekend, but something small for the family and whatever you like during the day.

Now, how do you communicate this to your wife?

 

[Jeremy R]

Now, how do you communicate this to your wife?

Like a man.

 

[biggins]

my best birthday ever was when my girlfriend at the time honored a joking birthday request.

i wnated to sit in a recliner with a beer in one hand, a big spliff in the other while getting some oral gratification from a girl.

so thats what i got.

 

[jacksonpt]

I agree withh SS it's not so much your being an ass, its just that you need to communicate your thoughts and feeling with your Wife, if you don't it really f@#ks up a relationship.

You can't change the way you feel about things, but you can work on ways to communicate how you feel.....

We are already f@#ked, but that conversation is not for message boards.

I know it's never going to come to a good resolution - we are polar opposites on this and I can deal with it. It's one day a year... not a big deal in the grand scheme of things (though I guess you could argue that it's the one day in a year I should get to "call the shots").

But I was annoyed with how the conversation went yesterday (see one of my other posts in this thread), and didn't know if I had a right to be annoyed, or if it was just because I've been in a crappy mood lately.

 

[SkaredShtles]

I can't see how that's the case... but I'll keep that in mind as the bday topic comes up in the future.

This is the mixed message I'm referring to:

I don't like birthdays, particularly my own. I don't like parties, I don't like the attention, I don't like the expectations that come along with birthdays

and

I want no birthday at all, no party, no gift, nothing... but if she's going to make me suffer through a party, I want her to put some thought into a gift

You don't want a gift. Unless she makes you suffer through a party. Then you want a meaningful gift.

She probably doesn't know this.

You should talk to her, not to us.

 

[jacksonpt]

Hold out.

not until they come out with a removable top option (rumored to be for the 08 model year. The plan is a 3year lease on the matrix, then a convertable FJ when the lease is over.

 

[SkaredShtles]

my best birthday ever was when my girlfriend at the time honored a joking birthday request.

i wnated to sit in a recliner with a beer in one hand, a big spliff in the other while getting some oral gratification from a girl.

so thats what i got.

You said it jokingly, but it was a serious request veiled in a joke. Good work!

Men - often times you'll get what you ask for if you simply ask for it.

 

[valve bouncer]

and give me something totally unexpected and unneccessary.

What did Helen Keller get for her birthday?
Cancer.
Jacksonpt, sounds like you need to train your missus a bit better. Seriously mate let her know. It might cause a bit of niggle but it'll be better in the long term. All part of the trials and tribulations of this wonderful institution of marriage.

 

[jacksonpt]

She's getting you a car and you're all whiney about it?

Am I missing something?

only the existing car payment and property tax bill that we can't afford.

 

[The Toninator]

Sorry no advice, i didnt want to do anything for my birthday this year (never much of a bday person i was just had my parents did all the work go bug them) BUT since my brother-in-law's bday is on the 4th, my birthday is on the 8th, my neices bday is on the 10th AND easter is this weekend i have to participate. I almost got away but work problems kept me here.

 

[jacksonpt]

This is the mixed message I'm referring to:

You don't want a gift. Unless she makes you suffer through a party. Then you want a meaningful gift.

Gotcha. I'm 99.9% sure that sort of thing was never said to her (If I did, I think I'd remember her being REALLY pissed at me because of it), but I'll be more aware of what I'm saying AND implying.

 

[OGRipper]

I don't understand the need for the charade. She needs to stop pretending something she picked out for the family is a gift to you.

Tell her you would rather get nothing than be forced into some weird mind trap of having to thank her for a "gift" that the family is buying anyway.

You are not being an ass, but your wife seems manipulative and maybe you are being a pushover.

 

[narlus]

You said it jokingly, but it was a serious request veiled in a joke. Good work!

Men - often times you'll get what you ask for if you simply ask for it.

?

 

[The Toninator]

your 30! your 30!

 

[biggins]

You said it jokingly, but it was a serious request veiled in a joke. Good work!

Men - often times you'll get what you ask for if you simply ask for it.

i wanted photo documentation of it but she wouldnt honor that one part.....oh well.

 

[jacksonpt]

I don't understand the need for the charade. She needs to stop pretending something she picked out for the family is a gift to you.

Tell her you would rather get nothing than be forced into some weird mind trap of having to thank her for a "gift" that the family is buying anyway.

You are not being an ass, but your wife seems manipulative and maybe you are being a pushover.

I do, um... how shall I say... have a tendancy to be be a pushover - yea, let's go with that... I have a tendancy to be a pushover when it comes to my wife. In the 7 years I've been married (took me about 6 months to learn this), I've figured out that I really have ot pick and choose what I dig my heels in about. This is one of those things that I don't. Granted I know she won't give me a card that says "Take 5 or 6 hours next weekend and go ride.", but I also know that she won't take me out for dinner and have the waitresses sing to me while her mom is back out our house hanging balloons and streamers with 70 of our closest friends.

 

[I Are Baboon]

I have a feeling jackson is going to cockpunch whoever starts his HBD thread.

 

[H8R]

am I just being an ass? (long post)

Short answer: yes.


Sit her down after the dust settles and tell her exactly what you think of all this, and be CLEAR.

This means you will have to THINK before you speak to your wife. I know...it's tough. We're here for you bro.