[CrabJoe StretchPants]

This is an open letter to the people that travel on Rt. 2 East in Massachusetts in the morning. It outlines some universal issues experienced by fellow drivers on the road, and offers some tips and suggestions to help make everyone's morning commute a peaceful and enjoyable one.

1) The sun. It rises in the east. You are on the east coast, heading even more east. In the morning. Guess what? The sun's going to be in your eyes. Oh what's that? You drive this way everyday on your commute to work? For 7 years? And you still haven't purchased a pair of sunglasses? No really, that's ok. I'll wait behind you as you do 40mph in the fast lane, braking hard every time you turn a bend and the sun is directly in your eyes.

2) Winter. Yes, it's New England, and it's now winter time. Yes, we did have our first snowfall 3 days ago. See how the road is all white? Well, that's not snow anymore. It's salt. Tens of thousands of pounds of salt that cover the road from New York to Boston. Given the fact that it's been 3 days since the snow fell and the road is covered in salt, I'm assuming it's pretty dry by now. Please drive accordingly.

3) To the man with the North Carolina plates. Watch this.

4) To the person with the red reindeer nose on the grille and antlers on the tops of their doors. It's convincing. Really. For a second I thought your giant white Escalade was Rudolph. It's cute and all, but if your antler is somehow poking you in the eye while you try to merge onto my road, maybe it's best to try some other means of decorations? Maybe just a wreath on the grille?

5) The speed limit signs say 55mph. That is merely a suggestion, I promise you. You can get away with 65, 70 or 75mph. If you're not up to the challenge, please move over.

6) The Prius owner with the Obama sticker on the back. Yes, you are probably getting 3x the gas mileage out of that thing than I do in my Jeep. Please do so in the right lane so I may pass your gutless tree-saver.

7) Is your ear bleeding? Oh it's not? I can see you holding your ear through your rear window. Oh, it's a phone. Well, if you're struggling with points 1, 2, D and the Prince symbol, maybe you shouldn't be on the phone, too.

8) Coffee. Yes, I need it. If I haven't had coffee yet, it may be the reason why I'm tailgating you or you can see me flailing my arms and swearing as I follow you doing 80mph. Maybe I want to do 90mph. Please let me do so. I know this is more of an issue with myself, and I am working on it. Once I get my coffee.

9) Last but not least, travel time. I am on this road 50 miles each way. I leave between 6am and 8am, depending on which corporate asshole I have to kiss any particular morning. So it's early, I may not have had coffee yet, and I have an hour or so long commute ahead of me. Please do not make it any more ****ty than it already is by cutting me off, going excessively slow, or talking on your phone and weaving through traffic. This commute may make me want to wish death upon myself, but not by you.


Sincerely,

Joe

 

[Westy]

Your commute would be much nicer if you were not listening to Attack Attack.

 

[jonKranked]

you forgot point 10) I am still in the midst of the mandatory 15 day waiting period.

 

[CBJ]

Subway its not about sandwich.

 

[Jim Mac]

Dear Joe,

I at times travel Route 2 east from the NY side up to the MA border. I feel your pain, as Bubba once said.

The only thing I might add is:

Dear NY state,

I travel occasionally into MA on snowy days, crossing over the Petersburgh Pass into the fine Commonwealth of MA on Route 2. MA does such a good job of snow plowing, all the way up to the top of the Pass. I have to admit, however, that I am losing faith in you, NY State. From the top down to the bottom on our side of the "Empire State" on my return trips, I usually find large piles of snow on the 2K foot descent. Why, oh why can't you be as good as your neighbor and clean up your side of the mess???

Sincerely,

the NY guy who winds out 2nd gear all we way down on snowy days.

 

[gsweet]

While my trip is only about 5 miles on rt 2, it's the last 5 miles up to alewife. So if I may add a few points, Joe:

11) Most roads leading onto or up to rt 2 are two lanes. Yes, I know that it's not well marked, but trust me, if you see two distinct lines of cars ahead of you or two lines behind you, chances are there should be two lines in the exact same place you've decided to obstruct the road with your GMC Yukon XL smallcock (tm) edition. If you have out of state plates, this can initially be forgiven. However, when someone starts screaming and honking at you, it's generally a sign that you're doing something wrong. Figure it out and fix it.

12) When you come to an intersection and you're turning left, enter the intersection while you wait for oncoming traffic to let up or the light to turn. Sitting at the stop line waiting for someone to let you turn is going to: (a) mean that you will not make it through this light, and (b) the people behind you are one more car away from going through the intersection than they should be. This is not Minnesota, and people will not be "courteous" to you!

Thanks,
Gabriel

 

[stinkyboy]

5) The speed limit signs say 55mph. That is merely a suggestion, I promise you. You can get away with 65, 70 or 75mph. If you're not up to the challenge, please move over.

How fast do you travel with a cop behind you?

If you need to drive 90, you're an idiot. Get up earlier as you seem to know that your commute takes awhile.

 

[Sandwich]

oh massholes, it's always about YOU, isn't it? 80mph in a 40mph zone, and the guy doing the speed limit in front of you is to blame!

You can bet that all the people slowing down to glare haven't cleaned the inside of their windshield in 15 years.

I hate driving in this state. I wish I had a secret wormhole that would take me from the NYS border to Boston and that's it.

 

[CrabJoe StretchPants]

How fast do you travel with a cop behind you?

If you need to drive 90, you're an idiot. Get up earlier as you seem to know that your commute takes awhile.

With a cop behind me, 70mph. That's about the average, go-with-the-flow travel rate around here. Cops or no cops.


the 90mph was a joke, however. My Jeep can't even hit 90mph.

 

[I Are Baboon]

oh massholes, it's always about YOU, isn't it?

They still aren't as bad as Connecticut drivers (me being a lifelong CT driver, mind you).

The drivers down south are much friendlier. They don't go any slower, but if you signal to change lanes, they'll actually let you in rather than gun the gas and block you. I've never understood the point of keeping someone from switching into your lane (unless they are driving like idiots).

 

[CrabJoe StretchPants]

I wish I had a secret wormhole that would take me from the NYS border to Boston and that's it.

Us Masshole drivers wish you did, too.

 

[Jim Mac]

oh massholes, it's always about YOU, isn't it?

 

[CrabJoe StretchPants]

Also, let it be known, this isn't a rant about not giving me the ability to speed and drive recklessly. I don't drive like that. In fact, I have a perfect driving record since I got my license 7 years ago.

This is merely pointing out people's inability to have the common sense to prepare for driving (sunglasses, clean windshield, not talking on the phone, etc.), and how the rest of us, who have no problems driving just as well in all conditions (sunny, wet, snowy, etc), have to suffer.

 

[jonKranked]

The last time I was in massachusetts I saw some lady driving a Yukon or equivalent, with BOTH arms THROUGH the steering wheel resting on top of the steering column hammering out emails on her blackberry. This was while doing 75mph. Dear lord I hope she hits a deer and breaks both elbows someday.

 

[Polandspring88]

Also, let it be known, this isn't a rant about not giving me the ability to speed and drive recklessly. I don't drive like that. In fact, I have a perfect driving record since I got my license 7 years ago.

Seriously. You are more dangerous at low speeds anyway. I seem to recall a snowy Worcester night in the Price Chopper parking lot....

 

[CrabJoe StretchPants]

Seriously. You are more dangerous at low speeds anyway. I seem to recall a snowy Worcester night in the Price Chopper parking lot....

I hate you.

 

[jonKranked]

Seriously. You are more dangerous at low speeds anyway. I seem to recall a snowy Worcester night in the Price Chopper parking lot....

Please. Refresh my memory.

 

[CrabJoe StretchPants]

*Deletes thread*

 

[jonKranked]

*crab walks*

 

[Jim Mac]

I ignored this subject earlier, but is the crab walk similar to the "picking up the change" mosh?

 

[jonKranked]

I ignored this subject earlier, but is the crab walk similar to the "picking up the change" mosh?

Jim, I'm glad you're not old enough to know what the "picking up change" mosh is.

In my town we called it "picking up pennies"


I once saw a guy get down and do pushups in the middle of a circle pit.

 

[CrabJoe StretchPants]

What is the "picking up the change" mosh?

 

[Jim Mac]

We used to have a guy who did pushups in the back of Wolfpack/Warzone shows, now he's an undertaker....

A bit after my time, but timeless nonetheless. PICK UP THE CHANGE!!!!!

 

[jonKranked]

That's not picking up the change. That's the Hunchback.


Joe, Pickiing up change is similar to floor punching.

 

[CrabJoe StretchPants]

Gotcha. Sounds retarded.


Still, nothing is funnier to watch than a whole group of teenage boys two-stepping. How that became cool is beyond me.

 

[Sandwich]

I remember heading up to newburyport from Billerica once. It had just snowed recently but it wasn't really bad. Maybe 4 inches or so. Traffic was backed up for miles in the two plowed lanes of the three lane highway. I went in the mostly unplowed left lane, which was completed open, did a reasonable speed, and cut maybe 45 minutes off my drive, just because everyone was terrified of driving in a little bit of snow.

 

[CrabJoe StretchPants]

I remember heading up to newburyport from Billerica once. It had just snowed recently but it wasn't really bad. Maybe 4 inches or so. Traffic was backed up for miles in the two plowed lanes of the three lane highway. I went in the mostly unplowed left lane, which was completed open, did a reasonable speed, and cut maybe 45 minutes off my drive, just because everyone was terrified of driving in a little bit of snow.

Good.





So you do get where I'm coming from.

 

[jdcamb]

So unless you live in Fitchburg, Gardner, or Leominster. You also pay a premium to make that commute. Maybe you could move somewhere closer to work. I always laugh at my friends that live on the Cape and then bitch about the commute to work in Boston. Or live on Long Island and then drive to the city for work instead of taking the train???

 

[CrabJoe StretchPants]

I'm currently in New Salem, which is on the northern tip of the Quabbin Reservoir, and work in Bedford, MA. It's a 60 mile commute, and takes just about 1:10-1:15 to get to work. When I lived in North Andover, it was 20 miles away and took 1:00-1:05 to get to work with the same aggravations, all because it's in the greater Boston area.


3 times the distance for about 1/6th the added commute time? To live in an area 10x nicer with more property for the same money? I'll take that, thanks.

 

[Sandwich]

Good.

So you do get where I'm coming from.

Oh, I definitely do. And my complaints aren't necessarily directed at you but the general "driving while idiotic" public of MA. You have the people who don't take care of the cars, which is terrifying, and the people who have brand new cars and feel like they own the road, which is terrifying, and then the people who just don't care about anything, which is terrifying.

...which is exactly why I moved to the city and take the subway instead of driving to work. Bike storage be damned, I don't want to drive with these clowns!

 

[jonKranked]

Here in NJ we have the people who think that have the right of way because they have an expensive or fancy car, but they can't drive it properly to save their life.

 

[mandown]

I thought rule five was "no pooftahs"

 

[Riding]

You forgot:

13. Every single highway in Massachusetts is constantly under construction during rush hour. When you see indications of a merge coming up DO NOT try to get in to the right hand lane a mile before the merge. Instead, drive all the way in the left lane until you reach the actually spot for the merge so you are not holding up traffic trying to merge into a lane prematurely. Once at the merge, alternate between the left and right lanes. If you try to be the 2nd car from the lane to merge, you're a douche. (disclaimer: Either Civil Engineers everywhere are stupid, or it's just the Highway department in the state of MA. The following sign is used to indicate 2 lanes dropping down to 1 or a Merge:

The sign should only be used to indicate that 2 lanes are narrowing. The following sign indicates a merge:

​

End rant, My favorite is taking the Mass Pike west during evening rush hour in October.

 

[skinny mike]

How fast do you travel with a cop behind you?

you obviously haven't spent too much time driving around massachusetts.

i remember one time earlier this year when i was doing 70 in a 55 in the left lane with the guy right next to me doing about the same. next thing i know, a cop rolls up behind me doing about 80 and gets right on my ass. now at this point i'm in a bit of a dilemma, do i speed up and risk the cop pulling me over for speeding even more than i already am or do i slow down and risk the cop pulling me over because i pissed him off by slowing him down even more? i ended up just keeping my speed at 70 and eventually the guy next to me slowed down so i could move over. once i was out of the lane, the cop punched it and sped off.

the moral of the story is, if you see a statie rolling up behind you and he's not flashing the blues, get the hell out of his way because he probably just wants his coffee/donut and doesn't give a **** as to how fast you are driving.

 

[binary visions]

The drivers down south are much friendlier. They don't go any slower, but if you signal to change lanes, they'll actually let you in rather than gun the gas and block you.

Lies.

The obese couple in the car won't even notice you unless your front bumper is actually scraping along their wheelwell, and then they'll grunt in surprise and hit the accelerator. At which point they will probably drop their cheese biscuit and glare at you.

 

[Jim Mac]

That's not picking up the change. That's the Hunchback.

Ah, it's mosh girl!

 

[CrabJoe StretchPants]

the moral of the story is, if you see a statie rolling up behind you and he's not flashing the blues, get the hell out of his way because he probably just wants his coffee/donut and doesn't give a **** as to how fast you are driving.

Further proof:

Sunday night I got pulled over on Rt. 2 by a statie. I was doing about 70-75, and there was another guy about 100ft behind me, both in the right lane of a 2 lane highway. The cop pulls up next to him in the left lane, keeps even with him about 15 seconds, then pulls up and keeps even with me for about the same. Passes me, switches over into my lane, then pulls into the breakdown lane. Seeing this happen, I move over to the left lane to give him space. Once I pass, he pulls back into the right lane and throws his blues on. Knowing he's bagging me, I pull over right away.

Turns out he ran our plates and no valid inspection info came up for my vehicle (when I re-registered the car in my name from my fathers, I didn't get a new sticker, as it was a couple months old and thought it would still be valid). All he gave me was a written warning to get a new sticker ASAP. No mention that I was doing 20mph over the posted limit.

 

[I Are Baboon]

Lies.

The obese couple in the car won't even notice you unless your front bumper is actually scraping along their wheelwell, and then they'll grunt in surprise and hit the accelerator. At which point they will probably drop their cheese biscuit and glare at you.

I think the south just hates you.

 

[mandown]

Jim Mac, that was taken right after she won the gold

sadly, it didn't pay the bills and she had to resort to underground street-fights.

 

[Sandwich]

You forgot:


merge.

oh god. Why do people in this state not know how to merge? The reason for all that traffic is because you refuse to get over when you should, and instead wait or rush for the last minute...then everybody slows down to accomodate your awful ass. I hope everybody who does this regularly bleeds out the ass for a week, simultaneously.