So now that tacklesport season is over, and college roundball is nearing conclusion as well, we're finally ready to start America's original past time: World Cup
Racing!!
No enduro (even though it is admittedly located in France), no fanny packs, no 40 mm wide crabon rimz, no gazzi "plus" tires, no 42 tooth cogs, no gogs & XC helmets, no long travel single crown forks, no super thin knee "armor", and no uphills other than the face of a jump. No sir...Just good ol'fashioned family fun provided by dear Sir Issac Newton.
So what we know - it's in France technically, but really close to Andorra (which is decidedly not in France); its twin City in the US is Cheyenne, WY; weather looks pretty good, but rain is a possibility; the track looks pretty good from the air; they have a magic healing fountain which has accounted for 69 certified medical miracles.
What we don't know - why Citroen is still in business; the origin of "sacre bleu!!"; how the track will actually ride; if Manon and Ratboy is actually a thing.
Ok, now for the breakdown of le hommes:
1. Chainsaw...so I mentioned they have a magic fountain, right? Stevie limps into the pool of clear, cool (stem cell & HGH infused) water and within minutes is leaping around like a lumberjack high on maple syrup and weird bacon. The molestache makes a glorious return to the top podium step!
2. Steve Peat...this wily veteran also takes advantage of the Lady of Lourdes mystery dampening, which seems like an infinitely less unpleasant way to fix his knee compared to the Hoffman Hotel Zombie Drill Procedure. However, Peat over does it a bit, and instead of just healing his knee, he's now 23 years old again and decides to ride some terrible piece of fuck from yesteryear, which ultimately keeps Sheffield Steel off the top step.
3. Minnaar...The South Afrikan follows the example of his fellow team mate and eschews his fancy new cast for the Jeebus Juice™. While he avoids beer bonging the JJ like Peat did, he over applies some of the "clear" and he ends up with a Popeye arm...a veritable fiddler crab if you will. This overpowering appendage makes it very difficult for him not to oversteer left turns, so it cost him some precious seconds.
4. Ratboy...as with the rest of Syndicate, Ratty partakes in the magic sauce, so whatever residual scar tissue and tenderness remains in his ankle is spirited away. However, his fitness just isn't quite there, which is further exacerbated by him having to row his boat/house across the English Channel to make the race.
5. Gerard Depardieu...making a quick, tax free visit back to his native country from Mother Russia, the big man from Chateauroux makes a dramatic run astride a fat fuck bike, using Mr. Newton's force to great effect. Screaming "sacre bleu" the whole way down, his manly bulk overwhelms his Magura Gustavs and he ends up plowing straight into Spain, thus avoiding having to pay any back taxes to Paris.
Sadly, none of the above is likely to happen (with the exception of a Ratboy podium), so here's my guess for the boys:
1. Bruni - he's going to win at some point this season, so might as well be on his home turf.
2. Hill - even tho he looked kind of tired at Rotorua, I think the new bike suits him and will help make him a podium threat pretty much everywhere.
3. Gwin - he might actually stop by the wizard fountain in honor of OG euro Jeebus, but regardless, dude is looking fast and fit again.
4. Geezus - he also looked out of sorts in NZ, but last weekend's win at BDS confirmed he's still a force, especially on slimy tech tracks
5. Rat - Really hope I'm right here. He definitely put in a good showing at BDS, and who knows, he might have been holding back a bit.
girls:
1. Rach - I think she'll be out for vengeance this season after a lack luster 2014 campaign (by her standards anyway).
2. Manon - Proved she'll be on the podium all season with a win at BDS.
3. French Girl?? - shamefully, I can't recall if Ragot or other frenchy pinner ladies hung up the full face last season or not.
4. Hannah - making a lot of progress, but still just a bit back from the the UK ladies
5. Curd - impressive showing at BDS imo.
No enduro (even though it is admittedly located in France), no fanny packs, no 40 mm wide crabon rimz, no gazzi "plus" tires, no 42 tooth cogs, no gogs & XC helmets, no long travel single crown forks, no super thin knee "armor", and no uphills other than the face of a jump. No sir...Just good ol'fashioned family fun provided by dear Sir Issac Newton.
So what we know - it's in France technically, but really close to Andorra (which is decidedly not in France); its twin City in the US is Cheyenne, WY; weather looks pretty good, but rain is a possibility; the track looks pretty good from the air; they have a magic healing fountain which has accounted for 69 certified medical miracles.
What we don't know - why Citroen is still in business; the origin of "sacre bleu!!"; how the track will actually ride; if Manon and Ratboy is actually a thing.
Ok, now for the breakdown of le hommes:
1. Chainsaw...so I mentioned they have a magic fountain, right? Stevie limps into the pool of clear, cool (stem cell & HGH infused) water and within minutes is leaping around like a lumberjack high on maple syrup and weird bacon. The molestache makes a glorious return to the top podium step!
2. Steve Peat...this wily veteran also takes advantage of the Lady of Lourdes mystery dampening, which seems like an infinitely less unpleasant way to fix his knee compared to the Hoffman Hotel Zombie Drill Procedure. However, Peat over does it a bit, and instead of just healing his knee, he's now 23 years old again and decides to ride some terrible piece of fuck from yesteryear, which ultimately keeps Sheffield Steel off the top step.
3. Minnaar...The South Afrikan follows the example of his fellow team mate and eschews his fancy new cast for the Jeebus Juice™. While he avoids beer bonging the JJ like Peat did, he over applies some of the "clear" and he ends up with a Popeye arm...a veritable fiddler crab if you will. This overpowering appendage makes it very difficult for him not to oversteer left turns, so it cost him some precious seconds.
4. Ratboy...as with the rest of Syndicate, Ratty partakes in the magic sauce, so whatever residual scar tissue and tenderness remains in his ankle is spirited away. However, his fitness just isn't quite there, which is further exacerbated by him having to row his boat/house across the English Channel to make the race.
5. Gerard Depardieu...making a quick, tax free visit back to his native country from Mother Russia, the big man from Chateauroux makes a dramatic run astride a fat fuck bike, using Mr. Newton's force to great effect. Screaming "sacre bleu" the whole way down, his manly bulk overwhelms his Magura Gustavs and he ends up plowing straight into Spain, thus avoiding having to pay any back taxes to Paris.
Sadly, none of the above is likely to happen (with the exception of a Ratboy podium), so here's my guess for the boys:
1. Bruni - he's going to win at some point this season, so might as well be on his home turf.
2. Hill - even tho he looked kind of tired at Rotorua, I think the new bike suits him and will help make him a podium threat pretty much everywhere.
3. Gwin - he might actually stop by the wizard fountain in honor of OG euro Jeebus, but regardless, dude is looking fast and fit again.
4. Geezus - he also looked out of sorts in NZ, but last weekend's win at BDS confirmed he's still a force, especially on slimy tech tracks
5. Rat - Really hope I'm right here. He definitely put in a good showing at BDS, and who knows, he might have been holding back a bit.
girls:
1. Rach - I think she'll be out for vengeance this season after a lack luster 2014 campaign (by her standards anyway).
2. Manon - Proved she'll be on the podium all season with a win at BDS.
3. French Girl?? - shamefully, I can't recall if Ragot or other frenchy pinner ladies hung up the full face last season or not.
4. Hannah - making a lot of progress, but still just a bit back from the the UK ladies
5. Curd - impressive showing at BDS imo.
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