Latest email. Reminded me of some things i've heard while in flight.
> All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to
>
> > make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more
>
> > entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or
>
> >reported:
>
> >
>
> >
>
> > On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight
>
> > attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached
>
> > cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is
>
> >for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight
attendants."
>
> >
>
> >
>
> > Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and
>
> > gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane
>
> >is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
>
> >
>
> >
>
> > On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to
>
> > take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please
>
> >make sure it's something we'd like to have."
>
> >
>
> >
>
> > "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
>
> > out of this airplane"
>
> >
>
> >
>
> >
>
> > "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express We hope
>
> > you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking
>
> > you for a ride."
>
> >
>
> > As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at
>
> > Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big
>
> >fella. WHOA!"
>
> >
>
> > After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
>
> > flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care
>
> >when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like
that,
>
> > I'm sure as hell everything has shifted."
>
> >
>
> > From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
>
> > 245 to Tampa To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the
>
> >buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and,
>
> >if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in
>
> > public unsupervised"
>
> >
>
> > "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
>
> > from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over
>
> >your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
>
> > before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one
>
> > small child, pick your favorite."
>
> >
>
> > Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
>
> > we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
>
> >remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
>
> >
>
> > "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of
>
> >an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with
>
> >our compliments."
>
> >
>
> > "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of
>
> > your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly
>
> >among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
>
> >
>
> > And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
>
> > pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
>
> > Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!
>
> >
>
> > Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt
>
> >Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was
>
> >quite a bump, and! I know what y'all are thinking I'm here to tell you it
>
> >wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's
>
> > fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
>
> >
>
> > Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
>
> > particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the
>
> > Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard
>
> >landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to
> Amarillo.
>
> > While the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane
>
> > to the gate!"
>
> >
>
> >
>
> > Another flight attendant's comment on a less than
>
> > perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain
>
> >Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
>
> >
>
> > An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
>
> > his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
>
> > required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
>
> >exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline. "He
>
> >said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
>
> > passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart
>
> >comment Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady
> walking
>
> >with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
>
> >"Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady
>
> >said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
>
> >
>
> > After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on
>
> >the horn, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.
>
> >Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
>
> >against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
>
> > bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way
>
> >through the wreckage to the terminal."
>
> >
>
> > Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
>
> > "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next
>
> > time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a
>
> >pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
>
> >
>
> > A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it
>
> > reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the Captain made an
>
> > announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your
>
> > captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York
>
> >to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have
a
>
> >smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"
>
> >Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on
>
> >the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared
>
> >you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant
>
> >accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the
> front of my
>
> > pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
> All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to
>
> > make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more
>
> > entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or
>
> >reported:
>
> >
>
> >
>
> > On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight
>
> > attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached
>
> > cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is
>
> >for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight
attendants."
>
> >
>
> >
>
> > Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and
>
> > gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane
>
> >is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
>
> >
>
> >
>
> > On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to
>
> > take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please
>
> >make sure it's something we'd like to have."
>
> >
>
> >
>
> > "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
>
> > out of this airplane"
>
> >
>
> >
>
> >
>
> > "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express We hope
>
> > you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking
>
> > you for a ride."
>
> >
>
> > As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at
>
> > Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big
>
> >fella. WHOA!"
>
> >
>
> > After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
>
> > flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care
>
> >when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like
that,
>
> > I'm sure as hell everything has shifted."
>
> >
>
> > From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
>
> > 245 to Tampa To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the
>
> >buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and,
>
> >if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in
>
> > public unsupervised"
>
> >
>
> > "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
>
> > from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over
>
> >your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
>
> > before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one
>
> > small child, pick your favorite."
>
> >
>
> > Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
>
> > we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
>
> >remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
>
> >
>
> > "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of
>
> >an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with
>
> >our compliments."
>
> >
>
> > "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of
>
> > your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly
>
> >among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
>
> >
>
> > And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
>
> > pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
>
> > Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!
>
> >
>
> > Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt
>
> >Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was
>
> >quite a bump, and! I know what y'all are thinking I'm here to tell you it
>
> >wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's
>
> > fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
>
> >
>
> > Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
>
> > particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the
>
> > Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard
>
> >landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to
> Amarillo.
>
> > While the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane
>
> > to the gate!"
>
> >
>
> >
>
> > Another flight attendant's comment on a less than
>
> > perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain
>
> >Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
>
> >
>
> > An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
>
> > his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
>
> > required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
>
> >exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline. "He
>
> >said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
>
> > passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart
>
> >comment Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady
> walking
>
> >with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
>
> >"Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady
>
> >said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
>
> >
>
> > After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on
>
> >the horn, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.
>
> >Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
>
> >against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
>
> > bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way
>
> >through the wreckage to the terminal."
>
> >
>
> > Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
>
> > "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next
>
> > time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a
>
> >pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
>
> >
>
> > A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it
>
> > reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the Captain made an
>
> > announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your
>
> > captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York
>
> >to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have
a
>
> >smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"
>
> >Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on
>
> >the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared
>
> >you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant
>
> >accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the
> front of my
>
> > pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
.
