As We Get Older, How Do Our Dating Values Change?
MSN.com | July 30, 2004 | Andrea Orr
Angelo was a 45-year-old, never-married contractor from Massachusetts. As the years went by, his standards were going down.
Im not looking for Victorias Secret, like I used to be, he said. Just a fairly attractive woman who is similar to me, who will laugh and be happy.
Annabel, a 40-year-old divorced mother of three, swore her standards hadnt changed at all in the last 20 years. She just wanted a nice, stable guy who could bring three things to the relationship: sex, companionship and a knack for fixing things around the house. She posted a very brief personal ad online, saying exactly that.
They say that your standards change as you get older, that you no longer go in for the flashy car or the flashy house, she explained. But I never did go in for that. It would be nice to have someone fix some things in my house, though.
Then there was Judy, a twice-divorced and once-widowed lawyer and mother of grown children. She sometimes felt a little too experienced and too sophisticated for the men in the conservative Bible Belt city where she lived. As she contemplated reentering the dating scene as a fifty-something woman, her standards were getting higher. Much higher.
Judys mind was like a database of all her past relationships: sensitive to all sorts of subtle cues that might be the tip-off for some serious character flaw that could surface down the road. She would read the profiles of available men on the dating site she had joined, and find fault with just about every one of them.
Guys who said they liked romantic evenings in front of the fireplace, she said, were guys who were very possessive and needed a lot of your time. On the other hand, she worried that many men who said they liked a romantic evening out with a good bottle of wine could be alcoholics. But one night when she went out with a nice recovering alcoholic, she detected a different kind of red flag.
He had clearly traded in his alcohol addiction for a food addiction, she said. All he talked about all night was food and how much he loved to eat. He was a standup kind of guy, but I was not comfortable with the role that food played in his life.
It went without saying that Judy also wanted a handsome, educated, well-traveled man who shared her religious faith and some of the same life disappointments.
Three approaches, three different results Angelo had been beaten down by life and was willing to compromise. Annabel was the kind of woman who had always known what was important and wasnt going to change just because she was getting older. But Judy was different. She had made a mental note of all the mistakes from relationships and marriages past. She was constantly tweaking the picture of her ideal mate.
Most peoples standards do change at least a little over time, but the fascinating thing is that they dont all change in the same way. Its often suggested that we grow less superficial and materialistic as the years go on, but sometimes the reverse is true. Just as a woman who dated a handsome but mean man might go for a plain and sensitive type the next time, one who married out of friendship at a young age is sure to think a lot more about looks and sexual chemistry the second time around. Some people learn that money cant buy happiness; others who end up saddled with a former spouses debt are certain that it can. As we get older, we see whats most important to us. We come to understand which flaws and quirks we can tolerate and which ones are deal breakers. But there are no universal standards, even at age 80.
For his part, Angelo is still looking for that simple, happy woman to share his life. Most of his encounters are first dates or email correspondences that go nowhere. Annabel met a few promising men online, but she also met many others who never saw beyond the word sex in her profile, and were not the suitable mates she was hoping to find. Eventually, she started spending time with a local car dealer.
As for Judy, she hit a home run. She found a fourth husband who met all the requirements on her lengthy list. Hes a tall, handsome, educated, successful and well-traveled man with whom she shares an uncanny number of past experiences, including the death of one spouse and divorce from another.
It just goes to show that high standards are not a bad thing, even as you get older.
MSN.com | July 30, 2004 | Andrea Orr
Angelo was a 45-year-old, never-married contractor from Massachusetts. As the years went by, his standards were going down.
Im not looking for Victorias Secret, like I used to be, he said. Just a fairly attractive woman who is similar to me, who will laugh and be happy.
Annabel, a 40-year-old divorced mother of three, swore her standards hadnt changed at all in the last 20 years. She just wanted a nice, stable guy who could bring three things to the relationship: sex, companionship and a knack for fixing things around the house. She posted a very brief personal ad online, saying exactly that.
They say that your standards change as you get older, that you no longer go in for the flashy car or the flashy house, she explained. But I never did go in for that. It would be nice to have someone fix some things in my house, though.
Then there was Judy, a twice-divorced and once-widowed lawyer and mother of grown children. She sometimes felt a little too experienced and too sophisticated for the men in the conservative Bible Belt city where she lived. As she contemplated reentering the dating scene as a fifty-something woman, her standards were getting higher. Much higher.
Judys mind was like a database of all her past relationships: sensitive to all sorts of subtle cues that might be the tip-off for some serious character flaw that could surface down the road. She would read the profiles of available men on the dating site she had joined, and find fault with just about every one of them.
Guys who said they liked romantic evenings in front of the fireplace, she said, were guys who were very possessive and needed a lot of your time. On the other hand, she worried that many men who said they liked a romantic evening out with a good bottle of wine could be alcoholics. But one night when she went out with a nice recovering alcoholic, she detected a different kind of red flag.
He had clearly traded in his alcohol addiction for a food addiction, she said. All he talked about all night was food and how much he loved to eat. He was a standup kind of guy, but I was not comfortable with the role that food played in his life.
It went without saying that Judy also wanted a handsome, educated, well-traveled man who shared her religious faith and some of the same life disappointments.
Three approaches, three different results Angelo had been beaten down by life and was willing to compromise. Annabel was the kind of woman who had always known what was important and wasnt going to change just because she was getting older. But Judy was different. She had made a mental note of all the mistakes from relationships and marriages past. She was constantly tweaking the picture of her ideal mate.
Most peoples standards do change at least a little over time, but the fascinating thing is that they dont all change in the same way. Its often suggested that we grow less superficial and materialistic as the years go on, but sometimes the reverse is true. Just as a woman who dated a handsome but mean man might go for a plain and sensitive type the next time, one who married out of friendship at a young age is sure to think a lot more about looks and sexual chemistry the second time around. Some people learn that money cant buy happiness; others who end up saddled with a former spouses debt are certain that it can. As we get older, we see whats most important to us. We come to understand which flaws and quirks we can tolerate and which ones are deal breakers. But there are no universal standards, even at age 80.
For his part, Angelo is still looking for that simple, happy woman to share his life. Most of his encounters are first dates or email correspondences that go nowhere. Annabel met a few promising men online, but she also met many others who never saw beyond the word sex in her profile, and were not the suitable mates she was hoping to find. Eventually, she started spending time with a local car dealer.
As for Judy, she hit a home run. She found a fourth husband who met all the requirements on her lengthy list. Hes a tall, handsome, educated, successful and well-traveled man with whom she shares an uncanny number of past experiences, including the death of one spouse and divorce from another.
It just goes to show that high standards are not a bad thing, even as you get older.
heh) tho. 
ink:
hahahha
