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At what point do you say "Brotha, you got to do your own livin?"

DirtMcGirk

<b>WAY</b> Dumber than N8 (to the power of ten alm
Feb 21, 2008
6,417
1
Oz
Dear Ride Monkey Abby,

I have a good friend who in the last year has had a kid, his mother in law is going to the grave, he's bought a house and his whole world is sort of in the crapper.

Before all of this he was the true salt of the earth, give you the shirt off his back, drink you under the table, roll with the madness best sort of friend.

Fast forward one year, and he is no longer that guy.

One of the biggest things with him as of late is his wife. For lack of a nicer way of putting it, she's a cunt. She uses the kid as leverage against him all the time. Baby pukes? She throws a fit, damn near throws him the kid, and stomps up stairs. She unfit to raise a gold fish, much less a kid. Everyone told him that marrying her was an assload of a bad idea, but she must have a quimm lined with gold or something, because he was so smitten there was no fixing it.

She has a mother getting ready to get into the grave in the next few months, and due to her family being about as ****ed as the Kennedys, she is out taking care of her mother, typically loading him with the kid and taking care of her work load.

However, when she wants something, i.e. to go to some friends she hasn't seen as opposed to letting him make it out to a boy's night he set up, he folds like a cheap tent in a rain storm to her. Its gotten out of hand.

With all of this, at what point do the lads and I say "its been real, its been fun, but it hasn't been real fun" and let him find his own road? His constant bailing, whining, and being on the world's record shortest leash makes him no longer fun to be friends with.

I'm sort of the last hold out from dropping him all together just because he has been a friend to me when the chips were down. The rest of the guys no longer even bother to call, because really how many times do you want to hear "oh the Mrs. already has us doing something" or "she had to go to her mom's again and I've got the kid."

Am I being a dick for thinking its time for him to walk his own road with this?
 

Slugman

Frankenbike
Apr 29, 2004
4,027
0
Miami, FL
If he is over 18 he is an adult who must live with the consequences of his ations / life decisions.

Too bad about the freinds - but no reason to burdon your own life becasue of his choices.
 

bitingback

Turbo Monkey
i don't know...i would say a good friend NEVER leaves when the chips are down...as he was there for you when you were going through some stuff.

i'd say take the boy's night to his house. kid goes to bed early. wife is out of the house at mom's. no reason you can't have fun wrenching bikes or watching sports and drinking beer THERE. maybe that's all he can offer now...seems he NEEDS someone these days. nothing worse than feeling all alone when you're going through sh*t.

i lost a lot of friends through my divorce. it really made me learn to recognize who were true friends and who weren't. friendship isn't always about good times.
 

DirtMcGirk

<b>WAY</b> Dumber than N8 (to the power of ten alm
Feb 21, 2008
6,417
1
Oz
i don't know...i would say a good friend NEVER leaves when the chips are down...as he was there for you when you were going through some stuff.

i'd say take the boy's night to his house. kid goes to bed early. wife is out of the house at mom's. no reason you can't have fun wrenching bikes or watching sports and drinking beer THERE. maybe that's all he can offer now...seems he NEEDS someone these days. nothing worse than feeling all alone when you're going through sh*t.

i lost a lot of friends through my divorce. it really made me learn to recognize who were true friends and who weren't. friendship isn't always about good times.

There are problems with this plan though:

1. The boys are not welcome at his house. Every time we go over there his wife finds some new reason to throw a fit, and we end up having to bail because she's in one of her legendary piss fits.

2. We get that its not all about the good times, but this uppity pain in my ass (his wife) has gone so far as to keep him from friend's funerals for her own needs. Good friend goes in the ground we have a rule about the living making it. This was in his home town, and he bailed because his wife threw another fit.

3. What about the idea that friendships are two way streets. Its unreasonable to expect that we're all going to continue to lay out for him with no return. Yes, he was there when it was bad times, but that debt has been repaid. Now, all starting at zero again, he's burning us to please her and to continue to ho the road he mistakenly chose.

I dunno, I am just burnt out on the guy.
 

DirtMcGirk

<b>WAY</b> Dumber than N8 (to the power of ten alm
Feb 21, 2008
6,417
1
Oz
go ahead, be a douche.
Not to have more of moment then PinkShirt, but how am I being a douche?

Its not like there's any way in hell in the next 18 years this is going to change for him. Someone had to get on the baby train, and now he gets to pay for it.

This is why I don't have or want kids.
 

DirtMcGirk

<b>WAY</b> Dumber than N8 (to the power of ten alm
Feb 21, 2008
6,417
1
Oz
Like I said, I am the last of our little group of mutants who still sticks a hand out for this guy. I've been holding out hope for my man, but the reality is that every day he slips a little more into his own wallows.

We've tried the guy intervention thing. A few of us took him to the bar, sat him down, laid out our concerns. About half way through his phone rings, its herself, and he has to bolt because she burnt dinner waiting for him.

The rest of the fun bunch then and there cut him off.

I tried taking him to whistler. The whole time it was just "Oh god, if I get hurt, who is going to make sure the wife can do her thing for her mother" or "I hate to be a bitch, but if I do this she's going to get mad at me."

I don't want to cut loose of this guy as a friend, but what other options do we have here? Stick it out, keep taking it in the shorts, and wait for that to become the status quo? I'm a hell of a nice guy, but a sucker I am not.
 

Ciaran

Fear my banana
Apr 5, 2004
9,844
11
So Cal
You tell him that you will always be friends and that he should call you after the divorce.

You can still be friends with someone even though you don't hang out with them. Stay in touch via email, send him christmas cards.
 

DirtMcGirk

<b>WAY</b> Dumber than N8 (to the power of ten alm
Feb 21, 2008
6,417
1
Oz
Good point.

I talked it over with the rest of the special ed bunch. We have a big "man weekend" coming up next weekend with booze, guns, bikes, strippers, all things that make being a man just borderline retardation.

He's known about it for five months.
People are coming into town, some are even supposed to be staying at his house.

If he ****s the bed or flakes on us for this one, I think that's about the end of the road, take him off the fun list and tell him we'll see him when we see him.
 

GiantRider

Monkey
Mar 6, 2002
589
0
Nor. Ca. Santa Cruz ,Mang
Never leave your wingman! I have a buddy thats been goin through the same stuff, all our other buddys gave up on the guy but I would call or texted every now and then just to keep in touch.We def. stopped doin all the riding and hanging out we used to do but I just stuck with it.Now he is starting to put his foot down and tell the old lady whats up.So I would just lay low with him for awhile and let him figure stuff out on his own,but dont just right the dude off.
 

drkenan

anti-dentite
Oct 1, 2006
3,443
0
west asheville
Kidnap his kid until he divorces that b1tch. I've given up on several friends now for the same reason and haven't felt bad at all about it.
 

DirtMcGirk

<b>WAY</b> Dumber than N8 (to the power of ten alm
Feb 21, 2008
6,417
1
Oz
Never leave your wingman! I have a buddy thats been goin through the same stuff, all our other buddys gave up on the guy but I would call or texted every now and then just to keep in touch.We def. stopped doin all the riding and hanging out we used to do but I just stuck with it.Now he is starting to put his foot down and tell the old lady whats up.So I would just lay low with him for awhile and let him figure stuff out on his own,but dont just right the dude off.
Right, but how long did it take for him to come around? The thing that bothers all of us is that he's expecting us to sit around and wait while he waits hand and foot that awful bitch of a wife of his.

It gets to the point where hanging out with him is depressing. His wife isn't working because she has to take care of her mom, so they're not making ends meet, and when he suggests that she needs to take care of her family immediate she goes into a melt down and lays a guilt trip. I feel for the guy, but frankly he needs to practice his back hand at this point.


Kidnap his kid until he divorces that b1tch. I've given up on several friends now for the same reason and haven't felt bad at all about it.
I think that's about where things are at. He's got next weekend to prove himself, and after that its on him. If he bails or back doors us as he has done so many times in the last year, he's SOL and JWF.
 

DirtyMike

Turbo Fluffer
Aug 8, 2005
14,334
920
My own world inside my head
I have mixed feeling here because We are not seeign both sides of it. First problem I see, and this is advice to everyone, if everyone you know is telling you that marrying a certains omeone is a bad idea.....LISTEN TO THEM..... Well that part is already done, so he should be standing by his decision and doing his job as a Husband. I do not belive in divorce, unless there is Abuse going on. Alot of what your seeing your friend doing, is part of being married in the first place. When you marry someone, they are you rfirst concern from there on out, remember marriage is for better or worse. Telling him its time to pack up and move on, isnt good advice. Now a Better suggestion would be for him and his wife to get some counseling. There they can adress the issues with a nuetral person, seeing everything from the outside looking in. Sorry Dirt, but you guys are not on the outside.

I have seen some good advice here, keep in touch, let him know your still good friends, but you have to let him live his own life, thats all there is to it. If he is going to get a Divroce, he needs to get there hisself, not at your/yourfriends request.
 
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sanjuro

Tube Smuggler
Sep 13, 2004
17,411
0
SF
I think you got to be super careful here.

I hear your complaints, but I don't hear about his complaints.

Now I am sure he is unhappy in some ways, satisfied in others.

It sounds like he has changed, and not for the better, but he has a family and a wife.

I think unless he specifically asks for your advice, you should lay off him. If that means no more friendship, well, that's that.
 

DirtMcGirk

<b>WAY</b> Dumber than N8 (to the power of ten alm
Feb 21, 2008
6,417
1
Oz
We're not sure if he can see the problem.

We've all called him on it, but he seems to be just plotting along.

I guess we'll find out this coming weekend.
 
Good point.

I talked it over with the rest of the special ed bunch. We have a big "man weekend" coming up next weekend with booze, guns, bikes, strippers, all things that make being a man just borderline retardation.

He's known about it for five months.
People are coming into town, some are even supposed to be staying at his house.

If he ****s the bed or flakes on us for this one, I think that's about the end of the road, take him off the fun list and tell him we'll see him when we see him.
Sounds like he's better off with his wife than with a "let's be stupid" bunch. There's a difference between friends and drunktards.
 

JohnBoy

Monkey
Jan 15, 2007
385
0
Dear Ride Monkey Abby,

I have a good friend

he has been a friend to me when the chips were down.
It sounds like you have answered your own question. If those 2 statements you made are true then you need to be there for your friend. Yeah he may be acting like a dick right now, and it seems his wife has a good hold on him from what you have said, but with the situation he is in with his mother-in-law, the circumstances are allot different. If my wife was in the same situation I would do WHATEVER I had to do to make things easier on her. Im not saying that blowing your boys off all the time and marrying someone that all your friends thought was a bad idea (my cousin did the same thing) was the right thing to do either, but if he is a GOOD friend and not just a riding buddy then you need to be there for him like he was for you!

Kidnap his kid until he divorces that b1tch. I've given up on several friends now for the same reason and haven't felt bad at all about it.
Wow Kenan!!, I guess I know who not to come to, if me and the wifey start having problems!!!

****JK holmes I know your there for me man!!!! I may of broke my foot :disgust1:
 
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ire

Turbo Monkey
Aug 6, 2007
6,199
4
I think you're being a dick....he has responsibilities and a lot of stuff going on right now and you're crying because he doesn't want, or have the time, to hang out. The terms of a friendship change after you have a kid, deal with it. You'll always come behind his family on the order of importance
 

geargrrl

Turbo Monkey
May 2, 2002
2,379
1
pnw -dry side
People do grow in different directions, and you can't base a friendship on how it's been in the past. Sure you can hang in there for old times sake, but that begins to be a burn after a while.

You can't blame it all on her. It's a two way street and he's choosing his life as much as you think it sucks. He may think it sucks too but until he's ready to so something different you may as well get on with yours.

Fathering is a commitment, and good on him for maybe sticking around for the kid even if other things aren't so great. Kids aren't puppies that you drop off at the pound when you realize that they have had a negative impact on your life.

It may be that he's matured past you.
 

Brian HCM#1

MMMMMMMMM BEER!!!!!!!!!!
Sep 7, 2001
31,653
80
Bay Area, California
People do grow in different directions, and you can't base a friendship on how it's been in the past. Sure you can hang in there for old times sake, but that begins to be a burn after a while.

You can't blame it all on her. It's a two way street and he's choosing his life as much as you think it sucks. He may think it sucks too but until he's ready to so something different you may as well get on with yours.

Fathering is a commitment, and good on him for maybe sticking around for the kid even if other things aren't so great. Kids aren't puppies that you drop off at the pound when you realize that they have had a negative impact on your life.

It may be that he's matured past you.
Exactly, people change as their priorities do. Sometimes I'd like to live in the past, but that ain't ever gonna happen:banghead: :D ;)
 

DirtMcGirk

<b>WAY</b> Dumber than N8 (to the power of ten alm
Feb 21, 2008
6,417
1
Oz
Eh, we're done with him.

He just called everyone about next weekend, saying his wife put the hammer down about the weekend. He needs to go paint her mom's house.
 

SkaredShtles

I love NEWCASTLE and will ONLY drink NEWCASTLE!!!!
Sep 21, 2003
50,300
3,847
In a van.... down by the river
<snip>

Fathering is a commitment, and good on him for maybe sticking around for the kid even if other things aren't so great. Kids aren't puppies that you drop off at the pound when you realize that they have had a negative impact on your life.
Quoted for truth. He needs to put 100% into his family it sounds. Take the kid when it pukes... maybe play Mr. Mom while his wife deals with a dying mother.

Bailing is the pinnacle of dick moves IMO.
 

DirtMcGirk

<b>WAY</b> Dumber than N8 (to the power of ten alm
Feb 21, 2008
6,417
1
Oz
I think all of us would have been a lot cooler with him if it wasn't for the fact that he will always say "hell yea" on things up until 30 minutes before go time.

He's being manipulated. His wife has never been a big fan of the boys nor I because of the fact that we do get hurt, we do play rough, sometimes we play the village drunkard, and we can and always have been able to see through her bull****. Every time he's supposed to be out with us there's a "breakdown" or an "emergency" that has to be tended to.

Even the wives of the rest of us can see what's going on. Talked it over with my wife well before I asked about it here, and she said point blank "she manipulates him because she can, simple as that."

The funny thing is that I've been where he is, minus the kid. Her mother passed away a few years back from something very similar to his wife, and while I was making sure that my wife was taken care of at every turn, she'd get to the point of "ok, you need to go do some guy crap. Take me to dinner when you get back." Mind you maybe my wife is cooler, and a lot more fun to be around, but none the less.

I am at the point I think where I am going to lay my chips on the table with my friend and let him figure it out. There comes a point where you just have to get out of the way and let the bus run some bastards into the ground.
 

DirtMcGirk

<b>WAY</b> Dumber than N8 (to the power of ten alm
Feb 21, 2008
6,417
1
Oz
I think I am just going to be a dick on this one. Not worth the effort any longer. Our accounts with each other are even, and its too much work to deal with her insane modulations of mood. The fact that he just left a lot of friends out in the cold next weekend so he can go paint the house is sort of the straw that busted the camel. He's got his own things to deal with, but he can deal without us.
 

bitingback

Turbo Monkey
I think I am just going to be a dick on this one. Not worth the effort any longer. Our accounts with each other are even, and its too much work to deal with her insane modulations of mood. The fact that he just left a lot of friends out in the cold next weekend so he can go paint the house is sort of the straw that busted the camel. He's got his own things to deal with, but he can deal without us.

i would never look at a friendship as "accounts being settled". freindships are always about give and take. when one needs to take more at a time in life...the other gives and then vice versa. the minute you start tallying up what you did for him versus what he did for you...means to me that you never gave from your heart but from the expectation of return.

even if his wife IS manipulating him...he's the one that has to live with her and be responsible to her and family until HE has had enough...not you. and if you are a GOOD friend you would recognize that and just give him some space without consciously being an *sshat to him. like someone said...you don't HAVE to spend time drinking, riding, going to strip clubs...to be friends. and if that's your criteria of a friend...then maybe HE's better off with the friendship ending. sure maybe he always says he's "in" and then bails...that tells me that he genuinely WANTS to be there but in the end his responsibilities to his family come first. if she's as nagging as you say...i can only imagine it is LESS stress to bail on partying with the boys than bailing on her.

i'm sorry...but bailing in a b*tch way by "laying the chips on the table" is just being selfish. you already know the stresses he is under and you're just gonna have a "talk" to add more.
 

DirtMcGirk

<b>WAY</b> Dumber than N8 (to the power of ten alm
Feb 21, 2008
6,417
1
Oz
So yea, I can deal with that.

The fact that he's missed things like funerals because she was "having a cry" is something that I am just not going to deal with any more.

Its funny to me. People with kids for some reason think that the rest of us need to make our worlds revolve around their offspring and the issues that they bring? I can see that right here on this board. Those without kids sort of see the point I am trying to bring, where on the other hand those who have them think that everything needs to revolve around you.

So yea, I am a fairweather friend, I'm being selfish, I'm good with that. Sometimes you have to keep on walking when someone gets stuck in the mud.
 

SkaredShtles

I love NEWCASTLE and will ONLY drink NEWCASTLE!!!!
Sep 21, 2003
50,300
3,847
In a van.... down by the river
So yea, I can deal with that.

The fact that he's missed things like funerals because she was "having a cry" is something that I am just not going to deal with any more.

Its funny to me. People with kids for some reason think that the rest of us need to make our worlds revolve around their offspring and the issues that they bring? I can see that right here on this board. Those without kids sort of see the point I am trying to bring, where on the other hand those who have them think that everything needs to revolve around you.
No. People with kids usually realize that THEIR lives need to revolve around (not completely but above all the other things) their kids. At least responsible parents do. Family comes first. That's the way it should be, IMO.

Your buddy should be more honest with his buddies and simply say "I don't have time for stuff outside the family for awhile." Be that (awhile) 3 months, 6 months, or 5 years...
 

DirtMcGirk

<b>WAY</b> Dumber than N8 (to the power of ten alm
Feb 21, 2008
6,417
1
Oz
Your buddy should be more honest with his buddies and simply say "I don't have time for stuff outside the family for awhile." Be that (awhile) 3 months, 6 months, or 5 years...
That, unfortunately, doesn't work for most of the guys. One thing we've all learned being friends over the years is that being dumb has consequence, and sometimes that lands us in the grave yard.

He's missed one friend's funeral. He won't be called up for the next one.

I've said it before and I've said it again, I would have been ok and I would have defend him to the end if he would have just said the above. However, he keeps making commitments and 99% of the time he bails because of some reason she comes up with.

Friendships go two ways, but when it becomes all give and no take, that's not friendship. I am not sure what it is, but its not friendship.
 

bitingback

Turbo Monkey
but clearly you care about him or you wouldn't be posting up? or perhaps you're looking for validation to shune him?

i would say that if this is where you're head's at...it will still be less energy to just distance yourself and leave a door open versus a in your face talk of how you're not gonna be his friend anymore.
 

DirtMcGirk

<b>WAY</b> Dumber than N8 (to the power of ten alm
Feb 21, 2008
6,417
1
Oz
I'm more thinking of just pointing out why it is that when he calls there is no answer from his friends now. I don't think he sees it, and if he does, then that's a real problem for me.
 

SkaredShtles

I love NEWCASTLE and will ONLY drink NEWCASTLE!!!!
Sep 21, 2003
50,300
3,847
In a van.... down by the river
It sounds like maybe you should talk to him. Tell him to quit making commitments & breaking them... tell him if he needs to simply deal with his stuff then you guys will wait until he has gotten a handle on things. Tell him to take as much time as he needs... the strip clubs will still be there when his kid is 10 and the chicks dancing will still be 20. :monkey:
 

DirtMcGirk

<b>WAY</b> Dumber than N8 (to the power of ten alm
Feb 21, 2008
6,417
1
Oz
But what about the dancers we're putting through "college" right now?

I get it.
 

brungeman

I give a shirt
Jan 17, 2006
5,173
0
da Burgh
alright... Idea...

all the friends are going to be in town, so you all should bust over to his Mo-in-law's house for a quick painting party! Paint the house in record time and say now he owes you some time! Take your friend out. Show the wife that in addition to you all being what she views as "bad influence" on him you also care about him.

I know that this can be a hard to swallow solution, but, I know when friends are being manipulated, it can be fun to return manipulate! What can the wife say to you guys if the painting is done?

and Dirt... as for those with kids etc... yes I have them, and my world does revolve around them, and providing for them. Yet I still find time and make time to do the things I used to do! This may not be the time for your friend to bag on his wife. Kids having nothing to do with it. He may come around when the time is right, and may just be showing his wife some love during the trying time.

I don't know all parties in the situation, yet have been on both ends of the situation! just thought I would chuck these thoughts out there for you!