Butch will repeat his performance from the Dirty Bird Pro Track race and drag brakes through every corner... Reclaiming his spot as the slowest man through the speed trap.
Mueller will eat three lbs of pork butt, combined with a case of ice cold Modelo the night before the race. He pulls too many G-forces in the bottom berms resulting in a massive upchuck that acts as a oil slick and crashes out the rest of the Cat 1 field.
Gerritt will most likely do a massive pull manual and bunnyhop the entire Pro rock garden...
1 - Andy "The Ladies Man" Devault: Donning a decidedly flashy Captain America costume replete with shield and helmet stabilizer fins, the man from Martinsville astride his (non-carbon) 303 wins the east coast rock garden speed trap on his way to another victory at Beech. This latest win in combination with his earlier victories leads Specialized to drop Gwin from the team and sign Devault in a desperate effort to have someone win something, anything, on their Demo freeride bike.
2 - Randy Arnold: Channeling his inner Kovarik, Randy smashes the course with his carbonic UR-GT, shearing off his head tube when he huxx the rock drop at the end, all the way to the finish line, sending him tumbling onto the second step. In an effort to prevent additional unsightly sheared head tube pics from appearing on Facebook, GT execs send him a restored 2001 DH-i.
3 - Jerry "Butch" Green: Leading by several seconds at the 2nd split, it appears Jerry has another win wrapped up, but he is temporarily distracted when he suddenly realizes the drive side BB cup is reverse threaded, and that's why he's struggled so mightily with this normally simple installation procedure. Committing the cardinal sin of forgetting to pedal, he rolls home to 3rd.
4 - Jeremy R: Visibly tweaking on hi-octane Spartanburg County meth, J-rock lays down a sterling run with a Sudafed fueled average heart rate of 345 bpm. Thankfully for him, he blacks out after crossing the finish line so he does not have to witness his beloved Panthers fall to the bye, 34-13 (although DeAngelo Williams finally breaks the 100 yard rushing mark).
5. Matt Adams: Visibly tweaking on hi-octane Wilkes County meth, Matti A breaks the curse of his bedeviled first name, and smashes out a clean run to take the final podium step. Matti Lehikoinen is brought to tears of joy, and considers coming out of WC retirement in 2014.
One spot up from DFL: Ed Buchan - someone's getting a flat and/or tearing off a derailleur. Fingers crossed.
I will be racing on a 145mm travel bike with a single crown fork, front shifter and dropper post. I claim AARP DFL right now and no one can take it away from me! That was a great response, by the way, hope Andy enjoys his time with Specialized
I predict Sugar Brad will stop at the road crossing, splint a broken pelvis and still get top 5.
To gain an advantage over his competitors and anyone manualing/scrubbing instead of boosting....MotoMike will secretly insert an extra berm just before finals. It will be hidden between the two final jumps. Anyone who shorts the backside of the first lip (scrub or case) will be pulled into the berm and time warped back to the rock garden entrance.
That's one heck of a time penalty. Boost with abandon folks...with absolute abandon!
Motomike crashes out in a grass corner at the top...devastated, he is forced to cut the rock garden and sprint down the ski slope to the step up to maintain appearances.
Hunter Budd sleeps through his start time while taking a pre-race siesta in Lot 3.
Matt Fitzgerald and Will O'brien DQ'd for moving rocks in sections above their respective skill levels.
Puckett smashes the cat 2 field on a 24 inch kids bike; is later injured attempting to navigate the pro track rock garden in a golf cart whilst celebrating.
Jay Schultz creates a custom boom that holds course tape in front of his lens to make sure he gets some in the foreground of every shot. Spotted trying to swap out for some leaves for the open sections.
An unknown grom in nothing but tattered flannel and skinny jones, old Adidas Sambas riding a borrowed bike from a complete stranger will dust every kid in a TLD matching full moto kit despite not even being photographed once...only to unmasked as Talia Freeman trying to steal the best prize during awards. She will be unmasked by...Talia Freeman, who is actually Luca Shaw in a wig and Vans.