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Britain is repossessing the U.S.A.

MMike

A fowl peckerwood.
Sep 5, 2001
18,222
86
just sittin' here drinkin' scotch
Britain is repossessing the U.S.A.

A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except California, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize'
will be eliminated. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket deliveries.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God save the Queen.
 

gsweet

Monkey
Dec 20, 2001
734
4
Minnesota
i'm in full support of this. while i do love baseball and football (american), i really would like to have john cleese as an authority figure...
 

Westy

the teste
Nov 22, 2002
38,190
4,978
Sleazattle
That was funny. Half of the British people are unintelligible to the other half as well as the rest of the English speaking world. I had a very hard time finding good beer in the UK. It seemed everyone was drinking that Fosters piss.
 

Zark

Hey little girl, do you want some candy?
Oct 18, 2001
6,257
7
Reno 911
Heh, the funny part is John Cleese spends the majority of his time where???? Thats right, Santa Barbara, CA, US 'o A.
And his daughter loves coke.....a lot.
 

Westy

the teste
Nov 22, 2002
38,190
4,978
Sleazattle
I hope we don't have to use British pounds. They are weird sizes and don't fit into my wallet. Not to mention is sucks getting 15 pounds worth of change.
 

Westy

the teste
Nov 22, 2002
38,190
4,978
Sleazattle
Well, you'd only need to carry half as much currency around.
Actually I never use cash anyway. Just when I was in the UK and had to hand my credit card to someone because it didn't have the special chip in it, I'd get a stupid look and the manager would be called over. People would be yelling at me in some dialect I couldn't understand and I would eventually just throw a 20 pound note at them and run away. It is good to know that Walmart (Asda) has employees with the same single digit IQs on both sides of the Atlantic.
 

syadasti

i heart mac
Apr 15, 2002
12,701
290
VT
I hope we don't have to use British pounds. They are weird sizes and don't fit into my wallet. Not to mention is sucks getting 15 pounds worth of change.
Dollar is slipping as the universal currency:

 

$tinkle

Expert on blowing
Feb 12, 2003
14,591
5
the $100 bill is the most counterfeited note in the world. funny how "weak" our dollar is.

<sniff>
 

syadasti

i heart mac
Apr 15, 2002
12,701
290
VT
the $100 bill is the most counterfeited note in the world. funny how "weak" our dollar is.

<sniff>
Yes but thats because old version of the bill is easy to forge. The currency is losing value unless you've been asleep for the past few years...
 

jimmydean

The Official Meat of Ridemonkey
Sep 10, 2001
30,706
3,722
Portland, OR
I had a very hard time finding good beer in the UK. It seemed everyone was drinking that Fosters piss.
My guess is that they say that when they come here, only replace Fosters with "Bud Light". You have to know where to look is all.
 

$tinkle

Expert on blowing
Feb 12, 2003
14,591
5
Yes but thats because old version of the bill is easy to forge. The currency is losing value unless you've been asleep for the past few years...
it's b/c of the ease of counterfeiting that makes it the highest target? i'm pretty sure it also has something to do w/ the lion's share of international trade taking place according to the value of the USD. not to say the euro isn't gaining ground, but to hand-wring over a little toe-stubbing of our dollar is unnecessary.
 

syadasti

i heart mac
Apr 15, 2002
12,701
290
VT
it's b/c of the ease of counterfeiting that makes it the highest target? i'm pretty sure it also has something to do w/ the lion's share of international trade taking place according to the value of the USD. not to say the euro isn't gaining ground, but to hand-wring over a little toe-stubbing of our dollar is unnecessary.
Its been going on for over half a decade - that isn't a little toe-stubbing. More and more analysts have noted its danger of falling out of favor as the universal currency.
 

SPINTECK

Turbo Monkey
Oct 16, 2005
1,370
0
abc
That's fine- just as long as we get their healthcare and more stable pound.

Would we loose the CIA and get their secret service too?