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Britain is repossessing the U.S.A.

Discussion in 'Politics & World News' started by MMike, Feb 8, 2008.

  1. MMike

    MMike A fowl peckerwood.

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    Britain is repossessing the U.S.A.

    A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of America:

    In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except California, which she does not fancy).

    Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

    A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

    To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
    You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

    1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

    2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize'
    will be eliminated. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

    3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

    4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

    5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

    6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

    7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

    8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

    9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

    10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

    11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

    12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

    13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket deliveries.

    14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

    15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

    16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

    God save the Queen.
     
    #1 -   Feb 8, 2008

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  2. fluff

    fluff Monkey Turbo

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    I'm sure this will be well-received.
     
    #2 -   Feb 8, 2008
  3. gsweet

    gsweet Monkey

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    i'm in full support of this. while i do love baseball and football (american), i really would like to have john cleese as an authority figure...
     
    #3 -   Feb 8, 2008
  4. Westy

    Westy the teste

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    That was funny. Half of the British people are unintelligible to the other half as well as the rest of the English speaking world. I had a very hard time finding good beer in the UK. It seemed everyone was drinking that Fosters piss.
     
    #4 -   Feb 8, 2008
  5. fluff

    fluff Monkey Turbo

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    Absolutely my good man. What?
     
    #5 -   Feb 8, 2008
  6. Westy

    Westy the teste

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    :busted:
     
    #6 -   Feb 8, 2008
  7. $tinkle

    $tinkle Expert on blowing

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    i laughed the first time i read this back in nov 2006

    fale, canada!
     
    #7 -   Feb 8, 2008
  8. Zark

    Zark Hey little girl, do you want some candy?

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    Heh, the funny part is John Cleese spends the majority of his time where???? Thats right, Santa Barbara, CA, US 'o A.
    And his daughter loves coke.....a lot.
     
    #8 -   Feb 8, 2008
  9. Westy

    Westy the teste

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    I hope we don't have to use British pounds. They are weird sizes and don't fit into my wallet. Not to mention is sucks getting 15 pounds worth of change.
     
    #9 -   Feb 8, 2008
  10. fluff

    fluff Monkey Turbo

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    Well, you'd only need to carry half as much currency around.
     
  11. Westy

    Westy the teste

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    Actually I never use cash anyway. Just when I was in the UK and had to hand my credit card to someone because it didn't have the special chip in it, I'd get a stupid look and the manager would be called over. People would be yelling at me in some dialect I couldn't understand and I would eventually just throw a 20 pound note at them and run away. It is good to know that Walmart (Asda) has employees with the same single digit IQs on both sides of the Atlantic.
     
  12. syadasti

    syadasti i heart mac

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    Dollar is slipping as the universal currency:

     
  13. $tinkle

    $tinkle Expert on blowing

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    the $100 bill is the most counterfeited note in the world. funny how "weak" our dollar is.

    <sniff>
     
  14. fluff

    fluff Monkey Turbo

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    My £50 note challenges your $100 bill to an arm-wrestle.
     
  15. fluff

    fluff Monkey Turbo

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    I think they've done a similar deal with the growers.
     
  16. syadasti

    syadasti i heart mac

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    Yes but thats because old version of the bill is easy to forge. The currency is losing value unless you've been asleep for the past few years...
     
  17. fluff

    fluff Monkey Turbo

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    What difference does being asleep make? I suppose you could be dreaming of a robust economy...
     
  18. jimmydean

    jimmydean The Official Meat of Ridemonkey

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    My guess is that they say that when they come here, only replace Fosters with "Bud Light". You have to know where to look is all.
     
  19. syadasti

    syadasti i heart mac

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    Well we can tell for certain N8 has been dreaming about the state of the US...
     
  20. Westy

    Westy the teste

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    True.
     
  21. $tinkle

    $tinkle Expert on blowing

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    it's b/c of the ease of counterfeiting that makes it the highest target? i'm pretty sure it also has something to do w/ the lion's share of international trade taking place according to the value of the USD. not to say the euro isn't gaining ground, but to hand-wring over a little toe-stubbing of our dollar is unnecessary.
     
  22. syadasti

    syadasti i heart mac

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    Its been going on for over half a decade - that isn't a little toe-stubbing. More and more analysts have noted its danger of falling out of favor as the universal currency.
     
  23. Transcend

    Transcend My Nuts Are Flat

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    What failed was your spelling.
     
  24. $tinkle

    $tinkle Expert on blowing

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    ok, let's call it "a toe in the wood chipper" then
     
  25. N8 v2.0

    N8 v2.0 Not the sharpest tool in the shed

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    wasnt this from one or two of the W election cycles back??
     
  26. SPINTECK

    SPINTECK Turbo Monkey

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    That's fine- just as long as we get their healthcare and more stable pound.

    Would we loose the CIA and get their secret service too?
     
  27. sanjuro

    sanjuro Tube Smuggler

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    That guy will suck a c*** for a buck in an American movie/sitcom.
     
  28. Transcend

    Transcend My Nuts Are Flat

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    You're mistaking john cleese for yourself again dude.
     
  29. MikeD

    MikeD Leader and Demogogue of the Ridemonkey Satinists

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