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Buffalo Theory

cannondalejunky

cannondalejunky

ease dropper
Jun 19, 2005
2,924
2
Arkansas
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Calvin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy, Norm Peterson. And here's how it went:

"Well ya see Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members."

"In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
 
Westy

Westy

the teste
Nov 22, 2002
54,502
20,300
Sleazattle
BEER TROUBLESHOOTING CHART

SYMPTOM
FAULT
ACTION

Feet cold and wet.
Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

Feet warm and wet.
Improper bladder control.
Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
Glass empty.
Get someone to buy you another beer.

Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
You have fallen over backward.
Have yourself leashed to bar.

Mouth contains cigarette butts.
You have fallen forward.
See above.

Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

Floor blurred.
You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
Get someone to buy you another beer.

Floor moving.
You are being carried out.
Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

Room seems unusually dark.
Bar has closed.
Confirm home address with bartender.

Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
Cover mouth.

Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
You are dancing on the table.
Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

Beer is crystal-clear.
It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
Punch him.

Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
You have been in a fight.
Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
You've wandered into the wrong party.
See if they have free beer.

Your singing sounds distorted.
The beer is too weak.
Have more beer until your voice improves.

Don't remember the words to the song.
Beer is just right.
Play air guitar
 
JohnE

JohnE

filthy rascist
May 13, 2005
13,452
1,980
Front Range, dude...
I used to like the Buffalo Sabres...

(And its Cliff Clavin, not Calvin... Calvin was the kid who hung out with the stuffed tiger, Hobbes.)
 
jdcamb

jdcamb

Tool Time!
Feb 17, 2002
19,850
8,453
Nowhere Man!
you have obviously spent time in western ny. By the way those aren't blood stains...it must have been wingnight at the tavern and you were bobbing for wings with the fat chick and you lost....
 
stevew

stevew

resident influencer
Sep 21, 2001
40,618
9,620
Explain beer goggles and the morning after regret.

Beer makes your penis stupid.
 
BurlyShirley

BurlyShirley

Rex Grossman Will Rise Again
Jul 4, 2002
19,180
17
TN
stevew said:
Explain beer goggles and the morning after regret.

Beer makes your penis stupid.
Click to expand...
In a Darwinian sense, it actually makes you a more "successful" organism... by helping you to overcome any aesthetic barriers that might prevent procreation.
 
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