Quantcast

BurlyShirley's "Things Every Man Should Do Before He Dies" List

N8 v2.0

Not the sharpest tool in the shed
Oct 18, 2002
11,003
149
The Cleft of Venus
Things Every Man Should Do Before He Dies

Own a Wookie
Han Solo was the coolest guy in the Star Wars universe. Why? Because Darth Vader didn’t have a Wookie. Chewbacca could make Toby McGuire look like a real man. Alternatively; buy a big, mangy, hairy dog and dress him up with an ammo strap and blaster gun.

Save a hot chick from certain death
Every man needs a story like this to tell his grandkids. Of course, by the time they hear it the girl you pushed out of the way of that bus will have her breast size raised by at least two cups and two dirty bombs will be added to the mix, but lying to your offspring is just something men have been doing for centuries. As always, utility belts and capes are completely optional.

Destroy something beautiful
You don’t have to beat a blond guy within an inch of his life to accomplish this one. Rip a small tree out of the ground, pee on a flowerbed, hell, it doesn’t matter, just **** something up. If you have never done this, simply pick a random piece of your girlfriend’s collection of pink things, break it quietly, hide it well, and then walk away a man.

Wake up not knowing where you are
When you wake up with no idea where in the hell you are or how you got there, you know last night must have kicked serious ass. Who gives a **** if you lost your wallet and have “Balls” written across your forehead, it is a right of passage for Christ sakes. No man has ever been cool without at least one story involving a massive amount of liquor and 6 to 12 hours of lost time.

Kill your own dinner
Not with a gun, with your bare hands. It doesn’t need to be a full grown bear, hell, strangle a ****ing bunny if you have to, just get it done.

Give a sexually frustrated woman multiple orgasms
There are more of these women out there than anyone would like to believe. This is because most guys that girls want to sleep with (i.e. dickmunchers who drive $50,000 cars and spend all their time in gyms) do not know how to please a woman. Guys like us do, because we aren’t chumps, we’re ****ing pirate ninjas. Pirates don’t go to the gym, we earn our muscles fighting at sea.

Try to fix something; totally break it in the process
Just because it is what we do best, and we do it well. Talking out of our asses I mean, not fixing stuff. A man just isn’t a man unless he screws the hell out of some piece of equipment beyond repair at least once in his life. For added effect, add a little grunt after the smoke settles, Toolman style.

Create fire from sticks
I don’t mean matches. I’m talking two twigs in the middle of the woods during a snowstorm with a woman screaming in your ear about how cold she is. Real men are made under pressure and there is no more stressful a scenario than the one I just described. Triumphing in such a situation means you have not only proven your primitive manhood, but you have also earned the right to sleep with said woman more than any other man she has been with before.

Outdrink your buddies
If you must spike beer with whiskey and cheat, do so. There is no better feeling in this world than to be the last man standing, staring down at your passed out friends through **** faced, glossed over eyes in triumph while talking mad **** and peeing in the nearest houseplant.

Get rocked by an older woman
I don’t mean grandma old, 35-40 should suffice. Until this happens to you, you do not really know anything about sex, no matter what you think. Do this while you are still young and it will prepare you for the rest of the sexual experiences in your entire life. The next drunk sorority chick you shag rotten will scream like a Japanese schoolgirl at a Yanni concert.

Beat up a movie star
Punch him right in his ****ing face. I have caught your trail, you little bitch. You can only run for so long. Soon, Tom, soon…
 

jimmydean

The Official Meat of Ridemonkey
Sep 10, 2001
33,650
6,410
Portland, OR
So you're saying I can die now? Man, that sucks. Guesss I need some new goals...

Wait, 2 chicks at one time! I want to live!!!
 

Slugman

Frankenbike
Apr 29, 2004
4,024
0
Miami, FL
Damn... need to punch a movie star and get a wookie.

Luckily I live near LA, so both of those are abundant!
 

S.K.C.

Turbo Monkey
Feb 28, 2005
4,096
25
Pa. / North Jersey
Also:

- Key Paris Hilton's Aston Martin, then break in and take a dump on the front seats.

- Go nude skydiving over the Grand Canyon.

- Play guitar on stage with your favorite band.

- Go on a spontaneous road trip, no where in particular.

- Swim in a vat at the Jack Daniels distillery.

- Grab Russell Crow back the back of the head, pull him over backwards, then hammer him in the face with the biggest phone you can find.
 

Jim Mac

MAKE ENDURO GREAT AGAIN
May 21, 2004
6,352
282
the middle east of NY
7 out of 11! Woo Hoo! Or, maybe I should not celebrate as it may signify that my life is nearing a fateful and unexpected end??? I refuse to own a Wookie, though.

EDIT: OK, maybe not out drink but I kept up, so 6/11...
 

BurlyShirley

Rex Grossman Will Rise Again
Jul 4, 2002
19,180
17
TN
Or:

1. Get Arrested on Dateline
2. Turn a nun away from god via shag
3. Irreperably Damage A National Monument
4. Sneak pork into a kosher sandwich
5. Maim (mame?) a horse
6. Key a mazda
 

dan wask

Turbo Monkey
May 11, 2006
1,463
0
B-More Maryland
Things Every Man Should Do Before He Dies


Save a hot chick from certain death
Every man needs a story like this to tell his grandkids. Of course, by the time they hear it the girl you pushed out of the way of that bus will have her breast size raised by at least two cups and two dirty bombs will be added to the mix, but lying to your offspring is just something men have been doing for centuries. As always, utility belts and capes are completely optional.
I retreived this sexy blonde girl's keys from a trash can at the mall once does that count ?
 

llkoolkeg

Ranger LL
Sep 5, 2001
4,329
4
in da shed, mon, in da shed
first time getting rocked by an older (older=33, in my book) woman is the most fulfilling and pedagogic experience from that list.
I have only been with one woman older than I and it was just by a couple years. I don't count that towards my 5, though, because I think the intent of the item was more of a The Graduate scenario. I was not taught anything per se...I just came to realize that technical experience and an increased desire to please make for a great bravo juliett.

What I'd like to know is where the hell were all the freaky hot nympho teachers when I was 15? Now that I'm married and 36 years old, the prospect of getting rocked by an older woman just doesn't sound quite as appealing as it once did.