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Children of the Cairns 2016

jackalope

Mental acuity - 1%
Jan 9, 2004
5,768
1,835
in a single wide, cooking meth...
Apologies, but I've been immersed in a veritable purple waterfall of mournful tears, somewhat related to the recent passing of

but more problematic was the issue of trying to fit back into my latex assless chaps.

Painfully pressed leather eggs aside, there's apparently a non-ebike race going down in the down under. So whats up in Oz?

* Australia rhymes with genitalia.

* The Japanese actually had plans to invade Australia in 1942...LOL

* Fosters sucks and I'm not presently aware of any good Australian export beer.

* Udi lives in Australia, which makes the above bullet somewhat distressing.

* Australia used to be connected to India and Antarctica...Steve Peat won those races too.

* Cairns is a terrible track that could be (easily) ridden be Stevie Wonder riding shotgun with Stephen Hawking, much less Stevie Smith.

* Sik Mik can apparently still ride a gravi-cycle, despite what Butch claims.

* I've seen Midnight Oil in concert...meh.

* Russell Crowe was not overweight in Romper Stomper.

* Similar to 2 notable GOP presidential candidates, koala bears have exceptionally small brains given their skull size.

* It's probably going to rain in the next 5 hours.


Thusly, I don't think the following will take anybody by surprise:

1. Prince - In short, not dead yet mutha fawkers! Before floating off to go bang Whitney Houston and probably Glenn Frey, the wispy little sparkplug from Minneapolis stops by Cairns on his CB400A (crushing some Strava segments along the way), equipped with a purple ano DVO fork and a one-off TLD helmet that doesn't compress heavily permed hair. Quitely crying and aggressively brapping, the musical elf of MN takes the purple gold.

2. Sik Mik - duh

3. Steve Peat - Sheffield Steel fools us all by not showing up for practice or qualies, but is allowed to race in the finals by drinking no less than 2 dozen Ozy fans under the table (as permitted under UCI rule 2.3 subsection A, paragraph 6). While the old timer doesn't quite equal his epic Canberra victory, its a pleasant way to leave his mark on kangaroo island.

4. Xenomorph - hardly unexpected, but the constant trauma to part of the alien hive (derisively referred to as the "alien root") finally leads to a praetorian stirring and taking matters into its own claws. Riding a prototype Unno dh bike, the slimey rascal from LV-426 is at home is the vaginally slippery conditions and cruises to a solid 4th place. He is then promptly tackled and subsequently sexually assaulted by drunken Ozy fans. This is why they can't have nice things.

5. Kidwoo - despite his absolute disdain for this bitch track and its tiled rock gardens, the towering terror from Norcal (he is a solid 7" taller than Prince) proves his point by cutting tape to mitigate those damnable switchbacks and destroys the course on his trusty, if somewhat dated, SX equipped with 16" wheels to get that BB down a bit.


Women (that "glow") :

1. Steve Irwins daughter
2. Ragot
3. PomPom
4. Leigh Donovan
5. SCB den mother
 
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William42

fork ways
Jul 31, 2007
3,674
289
Donno if anybody is looking at live timing, but the top 3 Juniors seem to be significantly faster (5 seconds) than everybody else. Matt Walker for junior world champ.

Also, some pretty big upsets in the women's field.







Just kidding.
 

DaveW

Space Monkey
Jul 2, 2001
8,605
502
Karori, Poneke Te Ika-a-Maui
"this is a bicycle chain and this is how it works"
It will not be one of warner's finer moments
Warner needs a mandatory enforced drinking session before he's allowed near the microphone.

I tried to convince Wyn that as he's not racing (a good move after his concussion) he should gate crash Warners Commentary booth. :D
 

Sandro

Turbo Monkey
Nov 12, 2006
1,986
804
The old world
Hooray!


Now let's never have a world cup on that shitty shitty track again.
Don't you just love it when riders like Bruni and Brosnan are within two hundreths of a second after the semi technical top section and you hear Warner say for the n-th time: "It's all about pedaling now!"?
 

norbar

Turbo Monkey
Jun 7, 2007
9,496
314
Warsaw :/
I start to suspect my GF might be a witch. In Lourdes "ooh let's hope he doesn't crash" and bam Loic is down. In Cairns "hope nothing happens to him" and Smith punctures.
 

William42

fork ways
Jul 31, 2007
3,674
289
Seems like they could have saved some time, only played the 5 qualifiers runs, and only shown the sprint at the bottom. In fact, seems like they could save some time and just legit cut the entire top half of the course out, and just have a sprint at the bottom.

Although I do like it when times are tight and you don't have any idea till the last second who's gonna win.

Tbro being up at the split by .2 was pretty exciting. And that the top 3 were all within 1 second.
 

kidwoo

Celebrating No-Pants Day
Aug 25, 2003
21,992
1,679
In my pants
2017 World Champs bitchezzz
Maybe they'll go all out and build TWO corkscrews! I mean that thing is just so wacky! Can you imagine TWO!!???

You think Palmer learned his lesson and will run clipless pedals this year? I think the vproccess nico is on just can't be beat! These new hydraulic brakes these guys are running really seem swell too.


That terrain is awesome. I just really hope they do something different with that track. I'm all for cutting down more rain forest in this case. I mean that's where the spiders live, how could you not?
 
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William42

fork ways
Jul 31, 2007
3,674
289
That terrain is awesome. I just really hope they do something different with that track. I'm all for cutting down more rain forest in this case. I mean that's where the spiders live, how could you not?
Burn it. Burn it all to the ground.
 

epic

Turbo Monkey
Sep 15, 2008
1,045
21
There were some pretty wacky results today. How were Gee and both Syndicate riders so far back?
 

rpet

Turbo Monkey
Jun 9, 2003
2,903
267
El Lay
Good race!

I had thought the days of "locals" like Mik and that other aussie pulling into the top5 or 10 as upsetters were long gone. It was also nice to see Tracy's result.
 

slyfink

Turbo Monkey
Sep 16, 2008
5,809
1,600
Ottawa, Canada
Do I recall correctly that Josh Button was on a borrowed bike from Connor Fearon? Or was that different Aussie? Pretty amazing result. Otherwise I thought the rest was kinda unexciting (to watch least get the results were pleasing)
 

SylentK

Turbo Monkey
Feb 25, 2004
1,217
179
coloRADo
Seems to me that Loic is the man to beat.

Until he has a major off / crash and then goes the speed of the rest of the field. (Due to mind f@ck things that the rest of the field has had to deal with)

Debbie downer moment of the day.
 
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big-ted

Danced with A, attacked by C, fired by D.
Sep 27, 2005
1,401
45
Vancouver, BC
Two things I observed last night:

1) These guys need to stop dropping f-bombs in interviews. Yeah, it shouldn't be a big deal, but you're a professional athlete. Act like it. Multiple guilty parties here.

2) Man, some of these pyjama suits are getting awfully tight again eh?
 

epic

Turbo Monkey
Sep 15, 2008
1,045
21
2) Man, some of these pyjama suits are getting awfully tight again eh?
Steve Smith is pretty much rocking a skinsuit at this point. I have no problem with the suits getting aero. They are supposed to be trying to go fast.
 

toodles

Turbo Monkey
Aug 24, 2004
2,596
758
Australia
1) These guys need to stop dropping f-bombs in interviews. Yeah, it shouldn't be a big deal, but you're a professional athlete. Act like it. Multiple guilty parties here.
To be fair to Josh Button - he's not a professional athlete. The guy has a fulltime job in earthmoving - he's allowed to be a bit less polished, especially sitting in the hot seat at a home world cup.

I bet if they had microphones on course you would have heard some colourful language from other guys during their runs.
 

epic

Turbo Monkey
Sep 15, 2008
1,045
21
Racers of the day for me - Elliot Jackson (!), Josh Button, James McCarroll. How about a hand for these guys?
 

norbar

Turbo Monkey
Jun 7, 2007
9,496
314
Warsaw :/
Two things I observed last night:

1) These guys need to stop dropping f-bombs in interviews. Yeah, it shouldn't be a big deal, but you're a professional athlete. Act like it. Multiple guilty parties here.
Yeah we also need more old swiss men involved in the sport and have strange gear regulations that don't allow certain technologies.
 

HAB

Chelsea from Seattle
Apr 28, 2007
10,489
839
Seattle
To be fair to Josh Button - he's not a professional athlete. The guy has a fulltime job in earthmoving - he's allowed to be a bit less polished, especially sitting in the hot seat at a home world cup.

His interview might have been the the least profane thing an Aussie tradesman ever said. :D