That's right manimal, you read that correctly.
No way in hell I'm sleeping for the next few hours so here's some dear diary.
I've been out of town the last few days hiking to remote and beautiful places collecting numbers and writing them down. I get home about 830 tonight with my work truck because I don't feel like driving past my house to the office. Kiss the lady friend, watch some saved daily show and colbert when my sunburn starts to bug me. I go to open the front door at about 945 and see a figure run around the front of my work truck and duck in front of it.
Fvck me
I do the tough guy yell and watch something in a white t-shirt haul ass down the street. Barefoot and in the briefs I take off after it letting it know I'm going to hurt it. A few houses down it jumps the fence and knowing the neighbor's layout I go around the end of it and up on his deck hovering over the bushes I know the white shirt just jumped into. Knowing the forest he's fighting I just hang over and wait. First thing it tells me is to search it's pockets, it hasn't taken anything. It tries to get out and I grab it in a headlock. "You better not hold me like that man" I hear so I squeeze tighter. In the meantime my girlfriend realizes what's going on and says "I'll call the cops"
Then it occurs to me. I didn't see him in the truck. I could be strangling someone who was just snooping my driveway. I let go for a second and he takes off.....back over the fence and down the street. Fvck it.....the cops are coming now, at least we'll get some containment and figure out what's what. Happy to report I can still run down a 17-18ish male and choke a bitch mid stride. So I wrassle with him, neighbors start coming out and keeping a safe distance. Out of nowhere, a delinquent #2 shows up and starts telling me to let go of his friend. I let him know that's not happening. White shirt starts squirming and then #2 gets a dead on shot to the side of my head. Sweet....this hurts way less than downhilling......I can do this. I challenge the manhood of #2 and he swings again, I try the highly technical ju jistu move known as 'ducking'. My training pays off. White shirt starts telling #2 to grab his gun. At this point I realize I'm dealing with kids and am not too stressed. #2 starts looking like he's scratching his ass telling me he's going to shoot me. If he had a gun it would be the first thing out. Regardless I put white shirt between us.
WAAAAY far away, I see cop lights.....sweet. I'm getting tired of this. #2 takes off and I decide to just keep what I've got. Officer 1 pulls up and white shirt starts screaming that I'm trying to kill him and asking for help. Watch out for the 34 year old dude in his underwear, barefoot and crooked glasses on his face. He's a killer.
Officer 1 pretty quickly realizes what's going on, I 'hand off' a human being (kind of wierd), and he gets the kid on his knees. He walks over to me and the kid tries to dart. Oh shlt, now you dunnit. Kid ends up on his face and cuffed with a knee in the back.
By now, there are 3-4 cop cars and neighbors giving statements. My feet are complete hamburger from my mad WWF skillz on asphalt and we figure out all the blood on the ground is mine. They figure out pretty quickly this kid has been in custody multiple times and they know exactly who he is. We return to my work truck, discover missing mp3 player and my fvcking fleet gas card. We find the player in the bushes where he immediate started telling me to check his pockets, he didn't have anything. I'm hoping to find the card tomorrow.
Juvy #2 must have been casing cars elsewhere down the street so while he's loose, I don't think he knows my house. At least until white shirt gets out. But the cops did a great job, responded quickly, helped me bandage my destroyed feet, and were generally pretty damn professional.
I look forward to dealing with them in the future when a) I come home to bricks through windows or spraypainted vehicles, or b) I get arrested for the beating the shlt out of some high school kid who took a sucker shot at me and I find him.....which I kind of look forward to doing right now.
No way in hell I'm sleeping for the next few hours so here's some dear diary.
I've been out of town the last few days hiking to remote and beautiful places collecting numbers and writing them down. I get home about 830 tonight with my work truck because I don't feel like driving past my house to the office. Kiss the lady friend, watch some saved daily show and colbert when my sunburn starts to bug me. I go to open the front door at about 945 and see a figure run around the front of my work truck and duck in front of it.
Fvck me
I do the tough guy yell and watch something in a white t-shirt haul ass down the street. Barefoot and in the briefs I take off after it letting it know I'm going to hurt it. A few houses down it jumps the fence and knowing the neighbor's layout I go around the end of it and up on his deck hovering over the bushes I know the white shirt just jumped into. Knowing the forest he's fighting I just hang over and wait. First thing it tells me is to search it's pockets, it hasn't taken anything. It tries to get out and I grab it in a headlock. "You better not hold me like that man" I hear so I squeeze tighter. In the meantime my girlfriend realizes what's going on and says "I'll call the cops"
Then it occurs to me. I didn't see him in the truck. I could be strangling someone who was just snooping my driveway. I let go for a second and he takes off.....back over the fence and down the street. Fvck it.....the cops are coming now, at least we'll get some containment and figure out what's what. Happy to report I can still run down a 17-18ish male and choke a bitch mid stride. So I wrassle with him, neighbors start coming out and keeping a safe distance. Out of nowhere, a delinquent #2 shows up and starts telling me to let go of his friend. I let him know that's not happening. White shirt starts squirming and then #2 gets a dead on shot to the side of my head. Sweet....this hurts way less than downhilling......I can do this. I challenge the manhood of #2 and he swings again, I try the highly technical ju jistu move known as 'ducking'. My training pays off. White shirt starts telling #2 to grab his gun. At this point I realize I'm dealing with kids and am not too stressed. #2 starts looking like he's scratching his ass telling me he's going to shoot me. If he had a gun it would be the first thing out. Regardless I put white shirt between us.
WAAAAY far away, I see cop lights.....sweet. I'm getting tired of this. #2 takes off and I decide to just keep what I've got. Officer 1 pulls up and white shirt starts screaming that I'm trying to kill him and asking for help. Watch out for the 34 year old dude in his underwear, barefoot and crooked glasses on his face. He's a killer.
Officer 1 pretty quickly realizes what's going on, I 'hand off' a human being (kind of wierd), and he gets the kid on his knees. He walks over to me and the kid tries to dart. Oh shlt, now you dunnit. Kid ends up on his face and cuffed with a knee in the back.
By now, there are 3-4 cop cars and neighbors giving statements. My feet are complete hamburger from my mad WWF skillz on asphalt and we figure out all the blood on the ground is mine. They figure out pretty quickly this kid has been in custody multiple times and they know exactly who he is. We return to my work truck, discover missing mp3 player and my fvcking fleet gas card. We find the player in the bushes where he immediate started telling me to check his pockets, he didn't have anything. I'm hoping to find the card tomorrow.
Juvy #2 must have been casing cars elsewhere down the street so while he's loose, I don't think he knows my house. At least until white shirt gets out. But the cops did a great job, responded quickly, helped me bandage my destroyed feet, and were generally pretty damn professional.
I look forward to dealing with them in the future when a) I come home to bricks through windows or spraypainted vehicles, or b) I get arrested for the beating the shlt out of some high school kid who took a sucker shot at me and I find him.....which I kind of look forward to doing right now.
uicide:
