I just want to poop in a sanitary, conversation and confrontation free environment.
Crapping at the office.
- Thread starter Red Rabbit
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tp in ziploc in camelback.
There is plenty of stuff in the woods to use for cleanup. But why deny modern science and the miracle that is charmin. Maple leafs work good but just feel too, well, leafy on the anus. Like wiping your butt with a salad...
Awesome, now when I eat a Chef Salad, I am going to think of you wiping your ass.
Pardon?
If you don't know, you don't really want to.
Funny that they call it a California Hotplate here on the West Coast.
Babywipes come with me if I'm going way out.
lol and nasty CarlIf you don't know, you don't really want to.
Funny that they call it a California Hotplate here on the West Coast.
Actually, the ONLY place I've ever heard "Cincinnati Hotplate" was the TV show SeaLab 2021.
wow. like someone mentioned before, grow a pair.
It wouldn't help. His wife would just take the newly minted pair, remove them, and throw them in the purse with all the rest of his yarbles.
Such a delicate flower.
Did you mean harblz?It wouldn't help. His wife would just take the newly minted pair, remove them, and throw them in the purse with all the rest of his yarbles.
No - yarbles, you uneducated twit.Did you mean harblz?
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Yarbles&defid=202839
there was a guy taking a dump in the venetian flower beds last night after the NWD8 premier. he looked so peaceful watching everyone.
Bathroom Etiquette in the Cube Farm
How To Poop At Work
We've all been there but don't like to admit it.
We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below.
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable.
For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.
Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.
People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.
If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen.
If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it.
No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.
This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.
This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom.
This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the where abouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.
This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON
A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an ASTAIRE.
UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
How To Poop At Work
We've all been there but don't like to admit it.
We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below.
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable.
For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.
Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.
People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.
If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen.
If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it.
No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.
This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.
This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom.
This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the where abouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.
This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON
A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an ASTAIRE.
UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
Skookum said:
jimmydean said:
One time on a ride I had to drop a deuce so bad we had to stop riding so I could do my thing. So as I am squatting against a tree mid-crap when I hear "Drop to the right, roll to the left!" and 10 riders come up and congregate in the area I'm in. I managed to get my shorts partway up my thighs and sorta bare-ass hobbled behind a tree out of sight. No mistaking what I had done as the odor of fresh dookie was unmistakable. Worst part was wiping my ass with dry leaves and having them crumble leaving sharp little shards to slice and dice my brown eye apart. I didn't realize the magnitude of my injuries until the next day when I had to duck walk around to prevent it from hurting.
.
Do you carry diaper wipes around with you now?One time on a ride I had to drop a deuce so bad we had to stop riding so I could do my thing. So as I am squatting against a tree mid-crap when I hear "Drop to the right, roll to the left!" and 10 riders come up and congregate in the area I'm in. I managed to get my shorts partway up my thighs and sorta bare-ass hobbled behind a tree out of sight. No mistaking what I had done as the odor of fresh dookie was unmistakable. Worst part was wiping my ass with dry leaves and having them crumble leaving sharp little shards to slice and dice my brown eye apart. I didn't realize the magnitude of my injuries until the next day when I had to duck walk around to prevent it from hurting.
I just sit and go at work - the only thing I have to worry about is co-workers turning the lights out on me
Here, here! I have dropped but one deuce at work in the last 18 months and that's while working 9 to 10-hour days. Frankly, I cannot believe that everyone here and at work are so irregular. Are you all eating friggin' 2-pound burritos for lunch every day? I pinch loaf first thing in the AM and usually don't dump another until right before bed or sometimes not until the next AM.
I am convinced that most people are either lazy or hate their jobs sooo much that they'd rather sit on a pissprayed & pube-sprinkled public crapper for 15 minutes than spend that same time at their desks doing ANYTHING else...that or we've got a lot more workplace stealth-spankers on our hands than anyone truly realizes.
Mine comes at 10:00 AM and I am at work by 7:30, so I drop at work more than I drop at home.
I drop constantly.
Call me pigeon.
I am like a ferret on metamucil.
Call me pigeon.
I am like a ferret on metamucil.
Same boat. Different pool.
At least I am not the only picky pooper. 
that is poor leave no trace form. it was on a backpacking trip with my school the week before classes and the leaders really stressed the importance of lnt. we did get somewhat decent tp for when we used the privys, but those places were so gross that the tp just made it tolerable.
it has been over a month since i have experienced the joy that is charmin, the tp here is like wiping with sandpaper.
wow...just wow...there are a lot of germaphobes in here...D
Wow, there are a lot of people who have never heard of the word "Pathogen".
What the hell good is an immune system if you don't use it once in a while?!!
Do you ass-gasketeers rub your anoose all over the seat or something? I find it unlikely that I'll absorb the clap through my fat ass cheeks.
I usually mitigate against splashback with some tp in the bowl first, though.
What part of "Pathogen" did you not understand.
I HATE being sick. Anything I can do to avoid sickness I will do.
I HATE being sick. Anything I can do to avoid sickness I will do.
Poop threads always get lots of views & posts. What does that say about humanity?
Last week some friends and I actually thought up 33 different words for feces. Thats more than eskimos got for snow.
Last week some friends and I actually thought up 33 different words for feces. Thats more than eskimos got for snow.
My penis is made out of Vitamin C.
5 pages and nobody used the phrase "havana omelette"
oh, and one pet peeve. People who take cell phone calls when they are in the crapper.
A big juicy fart always cuts the conversation short.
A big juicy fart always cuts the conversation short.
No matter how many times I hear it, it still freaks me out. All I want to do is take care of my business and get out and I feel like someone is trying to talk to me.
I will NEVER answer the phone in the sh!ter, it's wrong.
Perhaps Sen. Craig was just trying to "hover" which caused his foot to tap.... naaaahhh!
amen. i bet the money in our pockets is more filthy and germ ridden than than the toilet seat..
i don't ever poop in the "middle" of the trail....:huh:
Plenty of animals do though...
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