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Deliver me from cheap Swedish furniture. (paging doktor toshi)

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by blue, Aug 29, 2010.

  1. blue

    blue boob hater

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    I went to Ikea today with my girlfriend. Her penchant for overwrought particle board crap had to be sated before we moved into the new abode.

    The labrythian quest for furniture that we've so happily imported from Europe has a nasty effect on one's energy levels, and hence, in an ingenious plot to keep you buying, the countrymen of Alfred Nobel have installed eateries in their furniture outlets (and conveniently, we popped in to keep the modern design boner going). As it turns out, the mashed potatoes accompanying my ground Chinese fetus "Swedish" meatballs were quite hot. Seeing as how I ride the very fine edge of danger in life at all times (see: visiting Ikea), I proceeded to shovel them into my welcoming cakehole with little regard for the wellbeing of my central nervous system.

    Entering my digestive tract, the lava-hot rehydrated potato flakes skipped most of my tongue, battered my uvula, and subsequently became lodged in the muscular bottleneck that is the human esophagus. As my body began to force the mass of searing watery starch into my waiting gullet, a strange feeling came over me. First, the inescapable sensation that my chest was on fire. I felt this was normal, given the intake temperature of my root vegetable-derived "food". And next, the sudden loss of bloodflow to my cranial region, like I'd just rocketed skyward in a Saturn V. In short, instant darkness for yours truly.

    I awoke, rather disoriented and confused, for the veritable human tankards perusing the pinnacle of Scandinavian accomplishment had found me something of a spectacle. Aneurysms amongst the young and healthy are a rarity in public, this was certainly a chance to make the evening news, or at least a line in the next day's police blotter! Much to their chagrin, I got up. Tongue bleeding, head bruised, and sheepish, I wiped up the mess I'd made with my beverage on my short trip to the floor.

    Needless to say, my girlfriend was perturbed. Her insistence that I'm now on death's door/must see a medical professional post-haste is irritating, and I'm contemplating returning to Ikea to purchase a locking wardrobe to contain her. My reasoning, that everyone gets lightheaded when eating very hot, thick food (soup, mashed potatoes, semen, etc), didn't fly (because psych majors are definitely qualified to answer such mysteries of human anatomy).

    Hence, I page the services of Toshi, because god fvcking knows I'm not going to a doctor in the flesh unless I start twitching, my tongue swells up, and I sh!t my pants. If it helps, my resting heartrate is low - 45ish, and I raced 75 miles yesterday. My gratitude for what I'm sure is your (or anyone else's, as long as you're not a psych major) professional diagnosis.
     
    #1 -   Aug 29, 2010
    Last edited: Aug 29, 2010

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  2. SkaredShtles

    SkaredShtles I love NEWCASTLE and will ONLY drink NEWCASTLE!!!!

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    You passed out from eating mashers. :rofl:
     
    #2 -   Aug 29, 2010
    Last edited: Aug 29, 2010
  3. TheTruth

    TheTruth Turbo Monkey

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    I heard that mashed potatoes are the kryptonite of squatters.
     
  4. Chumble spuzz

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    Gosh Mr. Taggart,
    You use yer mouth prettier'n a two-dollar whore!
     
  5. nelsonjm

    nelsonjm Monkey

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    When you passed out, did you relax?
     
  6. RUFUS

    RUFUS e-douche of the year

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    Great writing but seriously??? Unless you are in China and it is considered rude and unsanitary to blow on your food, blow on your f***in' food first.

    1: What happened to Blue?
    2: He ate hot mashed potatoes, passed out, hit his head on some furniture and died from the trauma.
    1: What a dumbass. Paging Darwin to the white courtesy phone.
     
  7. Serial Midget

    Serial Midget Al Bundy

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    2 much werd :confused:

     
  8. jdcamb

    jdcamb Tool Time!

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    Quickly make a meatball hero and down it with a couple of cheap beers and a bonghit. You'll be fine sometime soon. Go to a titty bar and enjoy yourself just to make sure you're all right....
     
  9. stevew

    stevew unique white person

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    it's the internet.....not creative writing.
     
  10. TheTruth

    TheTruth Turbo Monkey

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    Go back to starbucks!
     
  11. blue

    blue boob hater

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    Wow. I write way too much after four DFH 90-minute IPAs.
     
  12. I Are Baboon

    I Are Baboon Run, Forrest, Run!

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    I'm impressed with your drunken coherentness. Much more coherent than Old_Dude's drunken "rpiqhr cqoewhr9wq r[k mlklj,x;pemcx'z'd,iscm" posts.

    Did the beer help with your headache?
     
  13. amishmatt

    amishmatt Turbo Monkey

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    Those parts reminded me of Things My Girlfriend and I have Argued About: http://www.mil-millington.com/
     
  14. Toshi

    Toshi Harbinger of Doom

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    My professional advice is: Don't choke on your meat(balls and chips)

    More seriously, if this is an out of the blue (rimshot) occurrence then probably no need to worry, get all freaked out, etc. Sounds like the causality is clear.
     
  15. stoney

    stoney Part of the unwashed, middle-American horde

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    Hope you ain't broken like me...
     
  16. jonKranked

    jonKranked Press Button, Receive Stupid

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    tl;dr
     
  17. eric strt6

    eric strt6 Resident Curmudgeon

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  18. mrbigisbudgood

    mrbigisbudgood Strangely intrigued by Echo

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    You have Stockholm Syndrome.
     
  19. Racebike

    Racebike Monkey

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    So you were defeated by this:



    Stand in line and pay for your BILLY bookshelf like all the other bitches. ;)
     
  20. mrbigisbudgood

    mrbigisbudgood Strangely intrigued by Echo

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    Next thing you know, somebody will say that surströmming is nasty.
     
  21. blue

    blue boob hater

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    Hey now, I bought DRAGON cutlery.

    I am manly.