Election Day Guide
Tuesday is Election Day. Here are some pointers to keep in mind when heading to the polls:
What To Bring
Remember to bring proper identification to the polls.
This can be:
Tuesday is Election Day. Here are some pointers to keep in mind when heading to the polls:
- If at all possible, vote before work. That way, you can make smug comments to non-voters all day long.
- The new electronic voting machines are complicated. But don't worry: Octogenarians will be on hand to troubleshoot any technological problems that might arise.
- If your election official hooks you up to a machine via a needle in your arm, you are actually donating blood.
- Tip for those on the go: Voting a straight ticket can save you up to 15 seconds.
- Remember that, as a member of a participatory democracy, you have a duty to make your voice heard on Election Day. If you find that idea hard to grasp, think of it like the lotto: You can't win if you don't play.
- Don't wear dress shoes. They leave black scuff marks on gymnasium floors.
- Voting is no longer considered uncool. Note that it is not cool, either.
- Many newspapers offer sample ballots. Buy 10 copies and practice, practice, practice.
- Remember to vote, or P. Diddy will kill you.
- This is one of the most important elections in recent times, so it's best if you just leave it up to the pros.
- When voting, you don't need to dress up in a scary costume or hand out candy. That happens two days earlier.
- You might think it's funny, but it's disrespectful to submit write-in candidates like "Don Knotts," "Mickey Mouse," or "Michael Badnarik."
- Remember to take the day off to vote. And the day before, to psyche up. And the morning after, to dry out.
- If you are black and a resident of Florida, work out two or three alternate routes to your polling place to avoid police checkpoints.
- The most important thing is to vote your conscience.
- Okay, this is your conscience speaking: "Vote Nader. Vo-o-o-o-ote Nader."
- If you are a Flintstone, make sure to put the granite slab arrows-first into the dinosaur's mouth.
- If you live in Florida, for Christ's sake, look at the ballot very, very carefully this time.
- Education is the issue Americans say is most important. Find someone with one of those to read the ballot to you.
- Keep in mind that the name of every person who votes against George Bush is going to be read aloud on television the next time we're attacked by terrorists.
- If you don't know where the polling place is in your district, just try to remember the ugliest, dingiest, most depressing building in a three-mile radius. That's probably it.
What To Bring
Remember to bring proper identification to the polls.
This can be:
- Driver's license or your chauffeur
- Passport and photos of your boyfriend in Paris
- SuperVoter discount card
- Note from president
- Proof that your grandfather voted
- Retinal scan or your alderman's retinas
- Two Iraqi scalps
- Receipt for your shoes
- Videotape of your first steps
- Halliburton employee ID
- Birthday card from grandmother
- Pint of sperm for DNA-identification purposes
- Casserole dish to pass
- A good friend who can totally vouch for you
- Signed $20 bill
- Autographed celebrity photo inscribed with your name
