[blackohio]

KANSAS CITY, KS—As the debate over the teaching of evolution in public schools continues, a new controversy over the science curriculum arose Monday in this embattled Midwestern state. Scientists from the Evangelical Center For Faith-Based Reasoning are now asserting that the long-held "theory of gravity" is flawed, and they have responded to it with a new theory of Intelligent Falling.

Enlarge Image

Rev. Gabriel Burdett explains Intelligent Falling.

"Things fall not because they are acted upon by some gravitational force, but because a higher intelligence, 'God' if you will, is pushing them down," said Gabriel Burdett, who holds degrees in education, applied Scripture, and physics from Oral Roberts University.

Burdett added: "Gravity—which is taught to our children as a law—is founded on great gaps in understanding. The laws predict the mutual force between all bodies of mass, but they cannot explain that force. Isaac Newton himself said, 'I suspect that my theories may all depend upon a force for which philosophers have searched all of nature in vain.' Of course, he is alluding to a higher power."

Founded in 1987, the ECFR is the world's leading institution of evangelical physics, a branch of physics based on literal interpretation of the Bible.

According to the ECFR paper published simultaneously this week in the International Journal Of Science and the adolescent magazine God's Word For Teens!, there are many phenomena that cannot be explained by secular gravity alone, including such mysteries as how angels fly, how Jesus ascended into Heaven, and how Satan fell when cast out of Paradise.

The ECFR, in conjunction with the Christian Coalition and other Christian conservative action groups, is calling for public-school curriculums to give equal time to the Intelligent Falling theory. They insist they are not asking that the theory of gravity be banned from schools, but only that students be offered both sides of the issue "so they can make an informed decision."

"We just want the best possible education for Kansas' kids," Burdett said.

Proponents of Intelligent Falling assert that the different theories used by secular physicists to explain gravity are not internally consistent. Even critics of Intelligent Falling admit that Einstein's ideas about gravity are mathematically irreconcilable with quantum mechanics. This fact, Intelligent Falling proponents say, proves that gravity is a theory in crisis.

"Let's take a look at the evidence," said ECFR senior fellow Gregory Lunsden."In Matthew 15:14, Jesus says, 'And if the blind lead the blind, both shall fall into the ditch.' He says nothing about some gravity making them fall—just that they will fall. Then, in Job 5:7, we read, 'But mankind is born to trouble, as surely as sparks fly upwards.' If gravity is pulling everything down, why do the sparks fly upwards with great surety? This clearly indicates that a conscious intelligence governs all falling."

Critics of Intelligent Falling point out that gravity is a provable law based on empirical observations of natural phenomena. Evangelical physicists, however, insist that there is no conflict between Newton's mathematics and Holy Scripture.

"Closed-minded gravitists cannot find a way to make Einstein's general relativity match up with the subatomic quantum world," said Dr. Ellen Carson, a leading Intelligent Falling expert known for her work with the Kansan Youth Ministry. "They've been trying to do it for the better part of a century now, and despite all their empirical observation and carefully compiled data, they still don't know how."

"Traditional scientists admit that they cannot explain how gravitation is supposed to work," Carson said. "What the gravity-agenda scientists need to realize is that 'gravity waves' and 'gravitons' are just secular words for 'God can do whatever He wants.'"

Some evangelical physicists propose that Intelligent Falling provides an elegant solution to the central problem of modern physics.

"Anti-falling physicists have been theorizing for decades about the 'electromagnetic force,' the 'weak nuclear force,' the 'strong nuclear force,' and so-called 'force of gravity,'" Burdett said. "And they tilt their findings toward trying to unite them into one force. But readers of the Bible have already known for millennia what this one, unified force is: His name is Jesus."

http://www.theonion.com/articles/evangelical-scientists-refute-gravity-with-new-int,1778/

 

[rockofullr]

Look at me. I'm copypastaing The Onion!!!

WASHINGTON—In a scandal that strikes at the very heart of the American anti-tax movement, a series of incriminating photos surfaced online Thursday, revealing that, for decades, leading Republican power broker Grover Norquist has secretly engaged in a romantic affair with taxes.

Leaked by an unknown source, the grainy but reportedly undoctored images chronicle a tawdry on-again, off-again liaison stretching back to 1983, when a young Norquist first worked closely with taxes as a speechwriter for the U.S. Chamber of Commerce.

"This proves that while Mr. Norquist was collecting lawmakers' pledges never to raise any taxes under any circumstances, he was at the same time engaged in an intimate relationship with the very revenue source he claimed to despise," said Senate Major*ity Leader Harry Reid, referring to the "Taxpayer Protection Pledge" signed by more than 95 percent of congressional Republicans. "Coming from the nation's most outspoken crusader for shrinking the public sector, this il*licit conduct is utterly shocking."

"All these years, the founder of Americans for Tax Reform has led a double life," Reid added. "An anti-tax zealot by day, and a tax-obsessed sex maniac by night. The pictures of him and excise taxes are disgusting."

Included among the materials currently circulating on the Internet are images that show Norquist overpaying his taxes, getting into private vehicles with taxes, seated with taxes at upscale D.C. restaurants, and purchasing thoughtful gifts that, according to shipping records, were later sent to the U.S. Treasury.

In three particularly salacious shots taken one night during last summer's debt-ceiling standoff, the powerful conservative lobbyist can clearly be seen smiling while doing his taxes in a chair, on top of his desk, and in the hallway against a wall.

The photos also suggest Norquist's clandestine rendezvous often descended into all-night orgies whose participants included state and federal income taxes, property taxes, capital gains taxes, strict limits on corporate tax credits and deductions, estate taxes, and even the sales taxes of several small municipalities.

"Grover Norquist became one of the most influential people in Washington by relentlessly fighting to rein in government spending, so it's hard to stomach these pictures of his torrid, brazenly carnal relations with taxes," said Kenneth Handler, a GOP operative who has at*tended Norquist's famed Wednesday meetings of elite conservatives. "While I was aware of his mild flirtation with taxes during the desperate years of George W. Bush's record-breaking budget deficits, I never suspected any sort of romantic dalliance had occurred, let alone this."

"It's been going on so long that, deep down, he may actually be in love with taxes," he added.

In addition to the trove of photographic evidence, several leaked documents suggest Norquist's infidelities may not have been lim*ited to taxes. In 2009, while his organization was receiving donations from the billionaire Koch brothers and other oil interests, Norquist reportedly paid an out-of-court settlement following allegations he had made unwanted sexual advances toward federal cap-and-trade legislation. Further investigation revealed Norquist also secretly lavished large amounts of money on an 18-year-old universal health care program he met online, including a recent no-expense-spared jaunt to the south of France.

Reached for comment, ATR spokesman John Kartch confirmed the authenticity of the photos, but said the images had been taken out of context and misinterpreted.

"Any accusations that Mr. Norquist has been involved in an affair are patently false. Yes, he has maintained a cordial acquaintance with taxes over the years, but the relationship has been entirely professional," Kartch told reporters. "And furthermore, I'd like to ask the press to please respect the privacy of taxes while Mr. Norquist and his accountant sort this matter out."

Norquist's alleged improprieties come in the wake of similar scandals that have plagued the Republican Party, most notably last week's discovery of a laptop belonging to Newt Gingrich that contained thousands of raunchy big government videos.

 

[rockofullr]

Wooo!

washington—beltway sources confirmed rumors this week that the u.s. Capitol is haunted by the ghost of h.r. 4591, a transportation appropriations bill brutally killed by congress 16 years ago on the floor of the house.

Records show that the promising young piece of legislation, known as the highway and port improvement act of 1996, was gruesomely tabled in front of hundreds of representatives who reportedly did nothing to keep it from dying. In the years since the killing, lawmakers have reported a range of eerie phenomena they attribute to the bill's vengeful, tortured soul, from apparitions of the dead act appearing in stacks of pending bills, to inexplicable, bone-chilling breezes emanating from the transportation and infrastructure committee chambers.

Capitol hill sources have speculated the restless spirit of the bill will never cease its anguished search for discretionary funding until it receives enough votes to move onto the next life in the senate.

Enlarge imageshocked lawmakers after witnessing the apparition of the bill sign itself into law.

"most people in these parts go pale when you mention the name h.r. 4591 and refuse to talk about it," said reginald boyd, a longtime house aide who witnessed the bill's agonizing, drawn-out death over a long series of procedural votes and markups. "i'll never be able to erase that horrific legislative session from my mind. Congress completely ignored the bill's desperate calls to modernize highway interchanges and replace aging bridge pilings. They callously butchered its preamble and tore it subsection-from-subsection until you could barely tell it was a transportation bill at all."

"when they finally left it for dead, riders were sticking out of it everywhere and it just lay there bloated and lifeless, festering on the table for weeks," continued boyd, pausing a moment to collect himself. "no innocent, well-meaning legislation ever deserves such a cruel fate."

over the years, capitol employees have come to blame the dead legislation for countless mysterious occurrences, from misplaced documents, to c-span technical glitches, to the repeated failure of high-speed rail legislation, to unexplained gaveling sounds coming from the house chamber in the cold, dark night.

Additionally, in 2009, several members of the house republican caucus claimed to have witnessed an apparition on the rotunda wall of the bill's infamous section 233, a $14 billion tax measure to offset tunnel-repair costs, which is said to have left the representatives cowering and profoundly shaken.

"they say if you're alone in the capitol at midnight, the lights will flicker and all the documents before you momentarily become the dead bill's cover page," said freshman rep. Sandy adams (r-fl). "and legend has it that every feb. 26, on the anniversary of the bill's death, if you look out across the national mall, you can see the ghostly specter of the toledo-area two-lane overpass the act was intended to fund."

according to congressional lore, the bill's sponsor, the late rep. Harold volkmer (d-mo), was driven mad by h.r. 4591's death. Volkmer is said to have become obsessed with the idea of saving the legislation, muttering incessantly to himself for the remainder of his life about how he should have added $240 million in targeted earmarks to win over opponents.

Although the 387 members of the 104th congress who participated in the bill's slaughter reportedly made a pact never to speak of the horrific acts they committed, some, like rep. Steny hoyer (d-md), have come forward in an effort to ease the guilt they said has weighed on their consciences for over a decade.

"i'll never be able to forgive myself for what happened to that poor bill," said hoyer, who claimed visions of the mutilated legislation still tormented him in his sleep. "it was a good, ambitious bill with such a bright future, but we barely let it out of committee before we viciously hacked it apart."

"we just sat there and didn't even give it an up or down vote," added hoyer, staring stoically at nothing in particular, his voice hushed and trance-like. "we deserve all its wicked vengeance."

despite legislators' widespread belief that the bill is lashing out in wrath from beyond the grave, some have asserted it is time to forget about h.r. 4591 and move on.

"what's done is done. There's no use worrying about the bill as there's nothing we can do to end the terrible curse it cast upon us," house majority leader eric cantor (r-va) said. "that is, aside from reviving it and passing it with enough funds to upgrade the nation's transportation infrastructure, thereby allowing the legislation to finally rest in peace."

"but let me be clear," cantor added. "i will never allow such a wasteful spending measure to pass this congress."

 

[blackohio]

awesome posts.

 

[rockofullr]

Sweet threads

 

[blackohio]

thanks, i deliver others goods.

I should have stated. I saw this headline on a friends Facebook feed and got ridiculously angry. I clicked the link and got so releived.

 

[jonKranked]

thanks, i deliver others goods.

I should have stated. I saw this headline on a friends Facebook feed and got ridiculously angry. I clicked the link and got so releived.