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finally fort bill

Gary

"S" is for "neo-luddite"
Aug 27, 2002
2,702
717
UK
Pre-cloudio Cloudio (and a decent preview of the new section)


Thanks Benji

 

6thElement

Schrodinger's Immigrant
Jul 29, 2008
4,143
1,926
Would not have picked Laurie Greenland to head timed training...which I know isn't a true representation of who's going to be fastest come Sunday.
 

jackalope

Mental acuity - 1%
Jan 9, 2004
5,777
1,861
in a single wide, cooking meth...
[ear drum melting bag pipes erupt in a cacophony of dissonant noise]

Aye, the time nigh approaches...The time when crabon cracks, rocks gash, and bros bang out hot laps. The venerable Ft. Bill is once again the focus of the mountain biking universe, and e-trolls throughout RM and PB forums erupt in all manner of dumb-as-fuck theories about bikes and riders. And speaking of dumb-as-fuck theories about bikes & riders, its time to pour 4 fingers of shitty scotch and set the table for this weekend:

* Like @Gary , this track is old, boring and everyone hates it.

* I'm still stunned no one has come out with an enduro kilt. TLD, I am disappoint.

* Mutha fuckin Sam Hill!!! (please don't tackle a boulder Mr. Hill)

* 29ers...It is widely assumed that those riders equipped with flex wheel technology will be 20-30 seconds faster than their tiny wheeled brethren. In fact, several riders on 650 hooped bikes were seen coming to complete stops at various points on the track due to the non-existent roll-overz. Several of these unfortunate souls were seen cyclo-crossing their bikes over choppy rox since it was actually faster than trying to trials ride the section. Sikocycles was pleased to erection.

* Apparently the angry Cheetoh in Chief was not actually decapitated by Kathy Griffin...Sad

* If/when it rains right before the last 20 guys come down, it probably won't matter too much.

* Unlike shitty scotch, scotch eggs are actually pretty good.

* Here is a picture of a large aluminum plant, located very close to Ft. Bill

Lulz...who in the fuck would use aluminum for anything?

Now that we have all the intangibles accounted for, I think the top 5 on Sunday seem pretty obvious:

1. Kidwoo - That's right, RM's very own dwarven hammer of righteousness takes top honors aboard a modified 29'er V-10 [the crowd gasps]....What heresy is this that someone of such minute stature (which is to say 5'9") could ever hope to control the unbridled power and fury of a flex wheeler?! But upon closer inspection, it becomes obvious that our dear leprechaun shredder slapped some 20" BMX wheels in there to not only provide a wickedly cornering speed wagon, but to also get that BB down where its supposed to be (i.e. 8.5"). The 100 mm cranks were hard to come by tho.

2. Bond...Nope, not Alex Bond, but James Bond...And everyone thought Roger Moore had left this earthly realm to go bang coked out Bond chicks from the '80s, but nay, he had one more box to check before making the rounds on cloud 9. Astride a special edition Triumph motorcycle that Q himself designed, the debonair secret agent in a white tux makes short work of the old whore course, and he lets loose a "Never Say Die Bitches!!!" as he crosses the finish line at full gas. Say hi to George Michaels for us when you get up top Rog.

3. Chris Covfefe (formerly "Kovarik") - The OG destroyer of Ft. Bill makes a dramatic return to the podium, smashing corners and (very) east coast rox alike with pure aggression. Just as it was many moons ago, Kovarik has a huge lead coming into the final split, but he spies a gravel road just off course and makes a time wasting detour to go drift through the gravel like a boss.

4. Gee & Dan Atherton - A dislocated hip sounds bad doesn't it? You know why? Because you're a weak wristed bitch. And guess who isn't weak wristed bitch? Gee fucking Atherton, that's who. Since the falcon beater isn't quite cleared for full on racing yet, he teams up his bro on a tandem unicycle equipped with a 58" wheel. That's right, twice as much gnar erasing power of a flex wheel!!! Towering and glowering some 10 feet in the air, Gee directs traffic while Dan lays down the horsepower. Gee maintains a sizeable points advantage over his rivals thanks to this manly lesson in pain tolerance.

5. Steve Peat - I 'cmon, how could Sheffield Steel not make it to podium at Ft. Bill? The ageless wonder makes yet another amazing come back, but fans are a little surprised to see him riding a completely new prototype bike. He claims its Santa Cruz's next Chameleon, but it certainly seems like a substantial departure from the original hardtail namesake. Sporting crabon spokes, a new fork with 4 stanchions, 19 speed cassette, magnetic BB cups, variable hub spacing technology, reverse tapered head tube, and a 70 mm diameter handlebar. Odd indeed, but I mean shit...it's Steve Peat...he's a regular lad. He likes beer, chopping wood, telling stories about drunk Warner and...wait a minute...is it me or is he hissing at the bartender? OK, he just ate a fly...God damn it.



The lasses:

1. Sean Spicer - this gal is mean, lean and will be looking for a team (soon)
2. Rach - finally someone beat her! Even Rach is relieved.
3. Trace - I think she's actually closed the gap more than even the UK ladies
4. Tahnee - lol, she's got no chance on little bitch wheels
5. Pom-Pom - I hope Tracey doesn't get jealous of my support for her
 
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Gary

"S" is for "neo-luddite"
Aug 27, 2002
2,702
717
UK
Boring old Scottish fact of the day: Scotch eggs don't actually come from Scotland
 
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jstuhlman

We noticed.
Dec 3, 2009
9,203
4,014
Cackalacka du Nord

I'd totally forgotten about the usual top guys being unprotected after their Lourdes finishing positions.

With Eddie, Sam and Brayton all just scraping in today they're among the first out the gate tomorrow.. Could be a long wait in the hot seat if they manage to keep air in their tyres and keep 'em rubber side up.

https://www.yr.no/place/United_Kingdom/Scotland/Fort_William/hour_by_hour.html
What time's kick off again? :drag:
hahhahaha ... those fuckers are so gassed. esp hart
 

6thElement

Schrodinger's Immigrant
Jul 29, 2008
4,143
1,926
To paraphrase @stoney on @Nick last weekend, "Rachel crash go boom."

Sucky way for her win run to come to an end with a crash in her practice run.
 
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