Last edited:
Fort Williams 2018: The Lizard Rockgardening.
- Thread starter chris_f
- Start date
Did he break his arm goofing around getting towed by a scooter?
Greg says it was the 29'r prototype V10 that did him in, paging dr @kidwoo to the vindication phone plsDid he break his arm goofing around getting towed by a scooter?
rght... but the picture is of him getting towed by a scooter.....
If anything did him in it was that he is such an ass guy.
Such a bummer. And of course it happens when there's another race next week. 
Ahh, finally stripped down to a set of BoXXers and settling down to a nice piping hot plate of kippers & parsnips, a fag, and a pint of Churchillian brandy. F. Scott Fitzy himself would be proud....So I'm ready to lay down some knowledge on you fools.
First things first though - my deepest apologies for skipping out on the Losinj race, but I was banged up on Ambien, and fuck knows you shouldn't start pounding the keyboard when you're riding that crazy train...Now if it was just my normal mid-day speed ball, then I'm sure I could've been coherent enough to put something together. But Ambien? That shit makes you racist...But I will offer this decidedly non-racist and certainly not crazy AF insight: Croatia was actually founded by the survivors of the Lost Colony. Turns out they couldn't handle the east coast beach rox (this predated fat bikes after all), and headed back to the fairer, less rocky lands in the yet to be settled areas of eastern Yurp. They just spelled their soon to be new nation in auld English ("Croatan") which of course confused the fuck out of the next wave of chalkies to arrive.
(Btw, I'm fairly certain I could sell the above fictional diarrhea to Lord Cheetoh and his legions...maybe I should get blasted on Ambien? )
But enough about shit that happened months and/or centuries ago...There's bike rallying to done in the land of scotch and man-skirts, so bloody hell, lets get crackin'!
* Gary has banged his brain pan (a lot) and may not wear a helmet regularly (ever?)...Gary rides an e-bike and claims its 50 lb bulk isn't a hindrance going downhill, but in fact is probably faster than any modern DH bike (if slightly less playful). This all checks out.
* This is fucking amazing - https://scottishkiltshop.com/blog/three-benefits-of-working-in-a-kilt/
* GM is out, so I'm gutted, but at least he won't have another mech or an unfortunate off.
* So while you can have a set of BoXXers, I'm not sure if this (dumb AF) nomenclature also applies to single crown forks. Can you have a set of Lyriks?
* Like Loco, Ft. Bill is old and sucks...In fact, I bet that bastard lives there now, farriering (sp?) sheep or some such shit. Maybe we should send him some bacon to lessen the suck.
* Peat is an essential component of scotch and WC racing...Kidwoo doesn't like Steve Peat...Kill List...Simple science really.
* I really would like to have a claymore sword (or land mine for that matter). A lot to like here:
* It will probably rain at some point (if its not already). I sincerely hope it does since it's currently pouring in my corner of the blue marble as I type this.
* This asshole isn't helping -
Now that we've been able to run that through the Cambridge Analytica algorithm, here's the results for Sunday:
1.) Sam Pilgrim - UK reppazintin'!! You got that right, Mr. Sand Tiger Shark Mouth takes revenge on the struggle buggy purists in the name of David Knight (and that peregrine falcon) and takes the win on home(ish) soil. Blasting the track at full throttle, Sam not only collects his first WC win, but the first win (of many I'm sure) for Haibikes. Gary is beside himself with self-righteous glee, and decides to sell his other 10 push bikes and tries set up an e-ride with Sam via Grindr (obligatory NTTAWWT).
2.) Sam Hill - Well fuck...Sam (i.e. the Sam who can actually ride bikes fast down a hill) was on a massive run, and not even his shitty, unrideabru endureu bike was holding him back - but he did portage over that bastard boulder which took him out may years ago...Alas, his beloved 5.10s gave up the ghost and the soles fell off, even though they were only 2.5 years old. So it's the bridesmaid position again, but at least another Aussie didn't win this time.
3.) Ben Cathro - Moar UK winning! What a way to tell Redbull and the UCI to fook directly off for limiting his medias! Taking over for the injured Minnaar, Cathro pilots the new prototype, flex wheeled V10 to the 3rd spot using his insider knowledge of the track and ability to consume vast quantities of (Peaty) scotch. This sudden and unexpected result leads to Redbull hiring Ben and the the eventual development of a Redbull and (Peaty) scotch sports enhancement beverage, which still somehow tastes better than Monster Energy.
4.) Prince Harry - You can't have a bike rally in Scotland without a ginger on the podium, ammirite? And this ginger even has all his teeth (which shockingly appear to be pretty straight...Royalty has its privileges it seems). And ol'Harry is damn serious about national pride when it comes to bike rallying, which is why he cut his honeymoon short with his beautiful bride to come back to warm and sunny Scotland and defend the Crown's honor. Since he's tight with Steve (Mutha Fucking) Peat, he was able to get some invaluable tips from Sheffield Steel himself and guide one of Peat's old Orange 224's to a solid 4th place. Too bad Steve (Mutha Fucking) Peat is a self-serving prick that never gives back to the sport...
5.) Sergey Naryshkin - Don't recognize him? Well that's no surprise, since he runs the Russian Intelligence Service and generally keeps a low profile. But in this case, he just happened to be on a, umm, "business trip" in the UK (something about finishing an important job) and decided to try his hand at downhill mountain biking. Fortunately, he has a good friend in central Maryland that let him borrow his personal bike, the T-Rump Jumper, which of course is the best bike, an amazing bike in fact. Sergs was on a burner of a run, and may have taken the W if not for an untimely OTB on the same jump that got Manon Carpenter a few years ago. Unfortunately, upon crashing, an unusual vapour was released and kills 74 spectators within minutes. Weird shit happens I guess.
Lass's
1.) Pom-Pom: Mainly because I want her to, but I'm not sure if its legal for a lady not from the UK to win here...
2.) Rach - Ya know, like, fuck, ya know
3.) Tahnee - Soon
4.) Roseanne - Since she now has a lot of free time and gravitational advantages (thanks Cracker Barrel!), the old nag rumbles down to an impressive podium result
5.) Trace - even with the inevitable crash
Last edited:
what would it take to get jackalope in the booth doing commentary?
TAKE THAT, LIZARDS
Ahh, finally stripped down to a set of BoXXers and settling down to a nice piping hot plate of kippers & parsnips, a fag, and a pint of Churchillian brandy. F. Scott Fitzy himself would be proud....So I'm ready to lay down some knowledge on you fools.
First things first though - my deepest apologies for skipping out on the Losinj race, but I was banged up on Ambien, and fuck knows you shouldn't start pounding the keyboard when you're riding that crazy train...Now if it was just my normal mid-day speed ball, then I'm sure I could've been coherent enough to put something together. But Ambien? That shit makes you racist...But I will offer this decidedly non-racist and certainly not crazy AF insight: Croatia was actually founded by the survivors of the Lost Colony. Turns out they couldn't handle the east coast beach rox (this predated fat bikes after all), and headed back to the fairer, less rocky lands in the yet to be settled areas of eastern Yurp. They just spelled their soon to be new nation in auld English ("Croatan") which of course confused the fuck out of the next wave of chalkies to arrive.
(Btw, I'm fairly certain I could sell the above fictional diarrhea to Lord Cheetoh and his legions...maybe I should get blasted on Ambien? )
But enough about shit that happened months and/or centuries ago...There's bike rallying to done in the land of scotch and man-skirts, so bloody hell, lets get crackin'!
* Gary has banged his brain pan (a lot) and may not wear a helmet regularly (ever?)...Gary rides an e-bike and claims its 50 lb bulk isn't a hindrance going downhill, but in fact is probably faster than any modern DH bike (if slightly less playful). This all checks out.
* This is fucking amazing - https://scottishkiltshop.com/blog/three-benefits-of-working-in-a-kilt/
* GM is out, so I'm gutted, but at least he won't have another mech or an unfortunate off.
* So while you can have a set of BoXXers, I'm not sure if this (dumb AF) nomenclature also applies to single crown forks. Can you have a set of Lyriks?
* Like Loco, Ft. Bill is old and sucks...In fact, I bet that bastard lives there now, farriering (sp?) sheep or some such shit. Maybe we should send him some bacon to lessen the suck.
* Peat is an essential component of scotch and WC racing...Kidwoo doesn't like Steve Peat...Kill List...Simple science really.
* I really would like to have a claymore sword (or land mine for that matter). A lot to like here:
* It will probably rain at some point (if its not already). I sincerely hope it does since it's currently pouring in my corner of the blue marble as I type this.
* This asshole isn't helping -
Now that we've been able to run that through the Cambridge Analytica algorithm, here's the results for Sunday:
1.) Sam Pilgrim - UK reppazintin'!! You got that right, Mr. Sand Tiger Shark Mouth takes revenge on the struggle buggy purists in the name of David Knight (and that peregrine falcon) and takes the win on home(ish) soil. Blasting the track at full throttle, Sam not only collects his first WC win, but the first win (of many I'm sure) for Haibikes. Gary is beside himself with self-righteous glee, and decides to sell his other 10 push bikes and tries set up an e-ride with Sam via Grindr (obligatory NTTAWWT).
2.) Sam Hill - Well fuck...Sam (i.e. the Sam who can actually ride bikes fast down a hill) was on a massive run, and not even his shitty, unrideabru endureu bike was holding him back - but he did portage over that bastard boulder which took him him may years ago...Alas, his beloved 5.10s gave up the ghost and the soles fell off, even though they were only 2.5 years old. So it's the bridesmaid position again, but at least another Aussie didn't win this time.
3.) Ben Cathro - Moar UK winning! What a way to tell Redbull and the UCI to fook directly off for limiting his medias! Taking over for the injured Minnaar, Cathro pilots the new prototype, flex wheeled V10 to the 3rd spot using his insider knowledge of the track and ability to consume vast quantities of (Peaty) scotch. This sudden and unexpected result leads to Redbull hiring Ben and the the eventual development of a Redbull and (Peaty) scotch sports enhancement beverage, which still somehow tastes better than Monster Energy.
4.) Prince Harry - You can't have a bike rally in Scotland without a ginger on the podium, ammirite? And this ginger even has all his teeth (which shockingly appear to be pretty straight...Royalty has its privileges it seems). And ol'Harry is damn serious about national pride when it comes to bike rallying, which is why he cut his honeymoon short with his beautiful bride to come back to warm and sunny Scotland and defend the Crown's honor. Since he's tight with Steve (Mutha Fucking) Peat, he was able to get some invaluable tips from Sheffield Steel himself and guide one of Peat's old Orange 224's to a solid 4th place. Too bad Steve (Mutha Fucking) Peat is a self-serving prick that never gives back to the sport...
5.) Sergey Naryshkin - Don't recognize him? Well that's no surprise, since he runs the Russian Intelligence Service and generally keeps a low profile. But in this case, he just happened to be on a, umm, "business trip" in the UK (something about finishing an important job) and decided to try his hand at downhill mountain biking. Fortunately, he has a good friend in central Maryland that let him borrow his personal bike, the T-Rump Jumper, which of course is best the bike, an amazing bike in fact. Sergs was on a burner of a run, and may have taken the W if not for an untimely OTB on the same jump that got Manon Carpenter a few years ago. Unfortunately, upon crashing, an unusual vapour was released and kills 74 spectators within minutes. Weird shit happens I guess.
Lass's
1.) Pom-Pom: Mainly because I want her to, but I'm not sure if its legal for a lady not from the UK to win here...
2.) Rach - Ya know, like, fuck, ya know
3.) Tahnee - Soon
4.) Roseanne - Since she now has a lot of free time and gravitational advantages (thanks Cracker Barrel!), the old nag rumbles down to an impressive podium result
5.) Trace - even with the inevitable crash
kipper smoked scotch
Rep given. Is that bulad (dried fish)?
Ahh, finally stripped down to a set of BoXXers and settling down to a nice piping hot plate of kippers & parsnips, a fag, and a pint of Churchillian brandy. F. Scott Fitzy himself would be proud....So I'm ready to lay down some knowledge on you fools.
First things first though - my deepest apologies for skipping out on the Losinj race, but I was banged up on Ambien, and fuck knows you shouldn't start pounding the keyboard when you're riding that crazy train...Now if it was just my normal mid-day speed ball, then I'm sure I could've been coherent enough to put something together. But Ambien? That shit makes you racist...But I will offer this decidedly non-racist and certainly not crazy AF insight: Croatia was actually founded by the survivors of the Lost Colony. Turns out they couldn't handle the east coast beach rox (this predated fat bikes after all), and headed back to the fairer, less rocky lands in the yet to be settled areas of eastern Yurp. They just spelled their soon to be new nation in auld English ("Croatan") which of course confused the fuck out of the next wave of chalkies to arrive.
(Btw, I'm fairly certain I could sell the above fictional diarrhea to Lord Cheetoh and his legions...maybe I should get blasted on Ambien? )
But enough about shit that happened months and/or centuries ago...There's bike rallying to done in the land of scotch and man-skirts, so bloody hell, lets get crackin'!
* Gary has banged his brain pan (a lot) and may not wear a helmet regularly (ever?)...Gary rides an e-bike and claims its 50 lb bulk isn't a hindrance going downhill, but in fact is probably faster than any modern DH bike (if slightly less playful). This all checks out.
* This is fucking amazing - https://scottishkiltshop.com/blog/three-benefits-of-working-in-a-kilt/
* GM is out, so I'm gutted, but at least he won't have another mech or an unfortunate off.
* So while you can have a set of BoXXers, I'm not sure if this (dumb AF) nomenclature also applies to single crown forks. Can you have a set of Lyriks?
* Like Loco, Ft. Bill is old and sucks...In fact, I bet that bastard lives there now, farriering (sp?) sheep or some such shit. Maybe we should send him some bacon to lessen the suck.
* Peat is an essential component of scotch and WC racing...Kidwoo doesn't like Steve Peat...Kill List...Simple science really.
* I really would like to have a claymore sword (or land mine for that matter). A lot to like here:
* It will probably rain at some point (if its not already). I sincerely hope it does since it's currently pouring in my corner of the blue marble as I type this.
* This asshole isn't helping -
Now that we've been able to run that through the Cambridge Analytica algorithm, here's the results for Sunday:
1.) Sam Pilgrim - UK reppazintin'!! You got that right, Mr. Sand Tiger Shark Mouth takes revenge on the struggle buggy purists in the name of David Knight (and that peregrine falcon) and takes the win on home(ish) soil. Blasting the track at full throttle, Sam not only collects his first WC win, but the first win (of many I'm sure) for Haibikes. Gary is beside himself with self-righteous glee, and decides to sell his other 10 push bikes and tries set up an e-ride with Sam via Grindr (obligatory NTTAWWT).
2.) Sam Hill - Well fuck...Sam (i.e. the Sam who can actually ride bikes fast down a hill) was on a massive run, and not even his shitty, unrideabru endureu bike was holding him back - but he did portage over that bastard boulder which took him him may years ago...Alas, his beloved 5.10s gave up the ghost and the soles fell off, even though they were only 2.5 years old. So it's the bridesmaid position again, but at least another Aussie didn't win this time.
3.) Ben Cathro - Moar UK winning! What a way to tell Redbull and the UCI to fook directly off for limiting his medias! Taking over for the injured Minnaar, Cathro pilots the new prototype, flex wheeled V10 to the 3rd spot using his insider knowledge of the track and ability to consume vast quantities of (Peaty) scotch. This sudden and unexpected result leads to Redbull hiring Ben and the the eventual development of a Redbull and (Peaty) scotch sports enhancement beverage, which still somehow tastes better than Monster Energy.
4.) Prince Harry - You can't have a bike rally in Scotland without a ginger on the podium, ammirite? And this ginger even has all his teeth (which shockingly appear to be pretty straight...Royalty has its privileges it seems). And ol'Harry is damn serious about national pride when it comes to bike rallying, which is why he cut his honeymoon short with his beautiful bride to come back to warm and sunny Scotland and defend the Crown's honor. Since he's tight with Steve (Mutha Fucking) Peat, he was able to get some invaluable tips from Sheffield Steel himself and guide one of Peat's old Orange 224's to a solid 4th place. Too bad Steve (Mutha Fucking) Peat is a self-serving prick that never gives back to the sport...
5.) Sergey Naryshkin - Don't recognize him? Well that's no surprise, since he runs the Russian Intelligence Service and generally keeps a low profile. But in this case, he just happened to be on a, umm, "business trip" in the UK (something about finishing an important job) and decided to try his hand at downhill mountain biking. Fortunately, he has a good friend in central Maryland that let him borrow his personal bike, the T-Rump Jumper, which of course is best the bike, an amazing bike in fact. Sergs was on a burner of a run, and may have taken the W if not for an untimely OTB on the same jump that got Manon Carpenter a few years ago. Unfortunately, upon crashing, an unusual vapour was released and kills 74 spectators within minutes. Weird shit happens I guess.
Lass's
1.) Pom-Pom: Mainly because I want her to, but I'm not sure if its legal for a lady not from the UK to win here...
2.) Rach - Ya know, like, fuck, ya know
3.) Tahnee - Soon
4.) Roseanne - Since she now has a lot of free time and gravitational advantages (thanks Cracker Barrel!), the old nag rumbles down to an impressive podium result
5.) Trace - even with the inevitable crash
Mea culpa, fucker.
Never go full 29.I told him a 1000 times don't go full 29. But he didn't listen to me, so now he is paying the price.
He needs to take that sword to his grass. But seriously, the amount of generalizations I could make on this guy could take days...
Likewise, I was amazed at everything going on in the video, which is worth watching the whole way through. I need to see if he has other ones up, as I'm sure they're equally as "informative".
you've said too much ....
UCI lizards?
#redlizards
Redbull own media rights. Aside from official broadcasts, all other media - if they're even permitted to show footage - are only allowed 3 minutes per day.
Yeah, is anyone else feeling Red Bull have become turncoats in all this? Years ago, I honestly thought Red Bull were doing good stuff for our sport... money, exposure and therefore legitimacy. It's becoming so tightly packaged now... they're taking such control and ownership that it's really losing the "foot out, flat out" and "loose" kinda vibe that I think drew most of us to DH. It strikes me as extremely small minded to limit independent pre-event coverage. No one is NOT going to watch the main event via Red Bull because #cathrovision.
Agreed. They need him on payroll. Love his insights into this stuff.
As an aside, is RM aware that if you flick Cathro enough money on Patron (or whatever its called) he'll ask any pro you want, any question you want? Drunk toodles has so far not taken advantage of this, but fuck I can think of some funny shit to ask people.
I usually don't mind consistent rain during a race weekend to spice things up, but in Fort Bill it probably results in hardly any difference up top, more slippery than usual woods but mostly leads to desperate pedaling to clear the jumps on the soggy motorway.
No I don't. I still remember how shit the Freecaster coverage was. It was rad because it existed, and pioneered it, but their resources weren't up to the task at hand. Redbull has developed the product slowly but surely. Remember when the feeds used to drop, freeze, or otherwise shit the bed all. the. time? Those days are long gone. Sure they have technical problems sometimes, but they're getting more and more rare. I can now reliably look forward to a solid broadcast, with great coverage of the course, and a commentator that is knowledgeable and fun, but I can still listen to with my kids. Sure, they package their product in a slick fashion, but can anyone seriously blame them for wanting to protect and benefit from their investment?!
I agree. But on the other hand, if he can produce tight content in that time frame; content that consumers and advertisers find valuable, then maybe, just maybe, Redbull might see the value in bringing him under their umbrella. That would be awesome. But you've got to start somewhere before "making it".... fingers crossed.
in other news, I'm looking forward to the race this weekend. with all these young guns coming up the ranks, and with Minaar out, I find this one tough to predict.
Nevertheless, for the messieurs I'm going with:
Gwin
Shaw
Norton
Vergier
Masters
Bulldog is my wildcard. He seemed to be really confident before Losinj. I wonder if his confidence and his healing will be at the same level.
Dames:
Pompom
Rach
Hannah
Tahnee
Champ (Miranda)
Wildcard: Is Cecile racing here? If so, her. If not, Katy Curd. fwiw, I find it sad that I struggled to name more than those 5 ladies. I had to go back to previous race results to find names. I hope they can continue to grow the sport and attract more women to the sport.