Thought i would drop some Humor here. Feel free to add more to it
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his ! shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied,
"I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said:
"You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a
son.
They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified
at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
"Not this time!"
The 3rd Affair
<><><><><><><><>
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician
commented, "I can't allow you ! to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for
posterity."
So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home
"I have something to show
you won't believe," he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed,
"Schwartz is dead!"
The 4th Affair
<><><><><><><><><><>
A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him,
&! gt;then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don' t move until I tell you,"
she said, " pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired
as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied,
"the Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too."
No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a
beer.
"Here," he said to the statue! , have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing."
> > > >>The 5th Affair
<><><><><><><><><><><><>
A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
"How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied:
"Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing ! upstairs
with your wife?"
The bartender replied:
"The same thing
I'm doing to his business down here."
The 6th Affair
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
"I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, "
his wife replied.
"No," he insisted,
"I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied,
" now just rest
and let the poison work."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled "You Can Be the Man of Your House."
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law!
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the kind of sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, THE ****ING funeral director would be my guess."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland.
She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?"
"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"
"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?"
"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie."
"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the 'hair remover.'
The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son", he replied.
Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"
The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used."? Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father.?
Next!"
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his ! shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied,
"I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said:
"You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a
son.
They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified
at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
"Not this time!"
The 3rd Affair
<><><><><><><><>
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician
commented, "I can't allow you ! to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for
posterity."
So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home
"I have something to show
you won't believe," he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed,
"Schwartz is dead!"
The 4th Affair
<><><><><><><><><><>
A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him,
&! gt;then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don' t move until I tell you,"
she said, " pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired
as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied,
"the Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too."
No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a
beer.
"Here," he said to the statue! , have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing."
> > > >>The 5th Affair
<><><><><><><><><><><><>
A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
"How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied:
"Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing ! upstairs
with your wife?"
The bartender replied:
"The same thing
I'm doing to his business down here."
The 6th Affair
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
"I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, "
his wife replied.
"No," he insisted,
"I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied,
" now just rest
and let the poison work."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled "You Can Be the Man of Your House."
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law!
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the kind of sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, THE ****ING funeral director would be my guess."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland.
She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?"
"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"
"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?"
"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie."
"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the 'hair remover.'
The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son", he replied.
Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"
The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used."? Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father.?
Next!"
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
