[captainpolution]

anyways,I worked at REI at one time or another and they happened to find a cucumber with a condom on it in the toilet of the mens bathroom.

and this one time at Albertsons, this kid had taken a **** all down the freezer asile.

yea those are my funny stories!

LAUGH HAHAHAHAHAHAHA haha new smileys BTW:redhot: :looney:

 

[MOTODH]

:hot: :redhot: :bomb: uch: :wonky2: :trophy_br :teacher: :looney: :dancing:

funny/disturbing stories, felt like seeing the new smilies as well

 

[TheMontashu]

anyways,I worked at REI at one time or another and they happened to find a cucumber with a condom on it in the toilet of the mens bathroom.

and this one time at Albertsons, this kid had taken a **** all down the freezer asile.

yea those are my funny stories!

LAUGH HAHAHAHAHAHAHA haha new smileys BTW:redhot: :looney:

Is it as funny as the penis on your car?

 

[captainpolution]

Is it as funny as the penis on your car?

no way dude, that giant penis with SPERM was the best, espec. on the freeway ahahahah

 

[manimal]

i had to strip search a guy last month that had just gotten out of prison (caught him after a short jog from the house he had just broken into). he's notorious for hiding narcotics in his bung.

he was super nervous and kept making comments under his breath about hemorhoids. he pulls down his pants/undies and they're full of swampy looking bloody/brown junk. then we do the usual, "bend over and spread 'em" ...and i see it. the largest hemorhoid i've ever heard of...about the size of a large walnut. he kept making nervous comments as he was getting dressed again like "how 'bout those panthers.....nice weather tonight eh?" i almost lost it but was able to contain my laughter until i had placed him back in the holding cell. my buddy and i were brought to tears with laughter. probably had to be there...but man, that was funny.

 

[captainpolution]

i had to strip search a guy last month that had just gotten out of prison (caught him after a short jog from the house he had just broken into). he's notorious for hiding narcotics in his bung.

he was super nervous and kept making comments under his breath about hemorhoids. he pulls down his pants/undies and they're full of swampy looking bloody/brown junk. then we do the usual, "bend over and spread 'em" ...and i see it. the largest hemorhoid i've ever heard of...about the size of a large walnut. he kept making nervous comments as he was getting dressed again like "how 'bout those panthers.....nice weather tonight eh?" i almost lost it but was able to contain my laughter until i had placed him back in the holding cell. my buddy and i were brought to tears with laughter. probably had to be there...but man, that was funny.

HAHAH aw dude thats gross

 

[arboc!]

one time at work this black kid was carrying a rack of glasses, and he slipped and threw them all up in the air, and they broke on him... it was great.

 

[lovebunny]

one time at work this black kid was carrying a rack of glasses, and he slipped and threw them all up in the air, and they broke on him... it was great.

uhhh. was he ok?

 

[RideND]

one time at work this black kid was carrying a rack of glasses, and he slipped and threw them all up in the air, and they broke on him... it was great.

Does it matter that he was black?

 

[blt2ride]

I saw an incompetent safety manager get her skirt stuck in a paper shredder once. By far the funniest thing I had ever seen. The skirt was stuck in the shredder...

 

[SilentJ]

I was chewing out the receptionist on my desk late one night and I stuck my finger in her ass. Thats all I got....

 

[BurlyShirley]

I used to work nights stocking groceries at Food Lion. One night my friend Chris and I got wasted at work off of Rolling Rock and we saw this opossum and we stabbed it to death with sharp wooden sticks from the little garden section.

 

[captainpolution]

I used to work nights stocking groceries at Food Lion. One night my friend Chris and I got wasted at work off of Rolling Rock and we saw this opossum and we stabbed it to death with sharp wooden sticks from the little garden section.

hahahahahahhaha

 

[SilentJ]

I forgot about when I was a garbageman - some of the stuff people threw away was pretty hilarious. We once found a dildo that was at least 4" in diameter and 20" long with a big suction cup on the base. We stuck it to the side of the truck and threw garbage for the day like that.

Another time we opened one can that must have been sitting there for weeks...it was full of gutted fish. 80-100 degree weather + gutted fish + ~2 weeks = My buddy was the first to go - he blew chunks so hard he almost threw up ass hair. I was already 3/4 of the way to puking just seeing the fish - I might have been alright if he hadnt yacked, but I couldn't keep it down. I chucked on the drivers side at the back of the truck...by then the smell must have gotten to the cab. The driver saw me chucking and he couldnt help himself. All I saw was the door fly open and projectile vomit hitting the door as it was bouncing back from being opened so hard. we ended up tipping the can over in the alley and continuing. We were sore for damnear a week from chucking so hard. :mumble:

 

[skinny mike]

one time at work i got duct taped to a bike repair stand. thats all ive got that i can remember.

 

[jdcamb]

A little kid pants his grandma in the airport in DC the other day. Her underwear were not enough to contain everything. She fell into people waiting in line trying to pull them up. A lady she fell on got burned by a hot cinnamon roll and some coffee. It was freekin 3 stooges hilarious. DC always sucks so it was the highpoint of the trip.

 

[DirtyMike]

I used to be a Bouncer at a Biker bar here in town, And One cool night<Dio concert> i was working the front door. Dude goes outside to Piss cause tehre must be 30 people waiting for the head. He walks up to the top of the hill and starts his Business. Bout 30 seconds later a car came screaming by and the guy Fell backwards not realizing he climbed to teh road. From there he flipped End over End Continueing to Piss All the way down as he Fell. By teh time he stopped falling he was Passed out, so we left him there till he sobered up enough to Pull his own Drawers up!!!!

 

[Dog Welder]

We had a call for a "man down"....we get to the house and this lady says she hadn't seen or heard from her mom in about a week. The funk of death was in the air and the heat and humidity made it so that you could taste it. I go to grab the mom and move her to look for post mortem lividity, pooling of the blood. Well when I went to move her, she left a green/brown streak across the bed. You always hear about people say a smell hit them so hard that it was like walking into a wall. I never understood that until that moment. The smell hit me so hard that I immediatly threw up in my mouth. I barreled over my Capt. and a medic in my attempt to get out of the house and puke outside. Well I guess I was moving so fast that my wake pulled the smell behind me....and it hit my Capt. and the medic as it hit me. So all three of us were outside the house retching and dry heaving for a good couple of minutes, all the while the daughter was pissed at us for not being professional. Hey I tell you what I got a strong stomach but that $hit was freakin nasty.

 

[caputo1989]

So two girls walk into the shop and look arround for a few muinites.
They stank of pun so bad that the shop smelled like pun for 45 muinites after they left.

 

[manimal]

We had a call for a "man down"....we get to the house and this lady says she hadn't seen or heard from her mom in about a week. The funk of death was in the air and the heat and humidity made it so that you could taste it. I go to grab the mom and move her to look for post mortem lividity, pooling of the blood. Well when I went to move her, she left a green/brown streak across the bed. You always hear about people say a smell hit them so hard that it was like walking into a wall. I never understood that until that moment. The smell hit me so hard that I immediatly threw up in my mouth. I barreled over my Capt. and a medic in my attempt to get out of the house and puke outside. Well I guess I was moving so fast that my wake pulled the smell behind me....and it hit my Capt. and the medic as it hit me. So all three of us were outside the house retching and dry heaving for a good couple of minutes, all the while the daughter was pissed at us for not being professional. Hey I tell you what I got a strong stomach but that $hit was freakin nasty.

i know EXACTLY the smell you speak of. my last "check welfare" call of an elderly lady that hadn't been seen in over 3 weeks. i could see her feet from the window so i went ahead and made forced entry into the house........as soon as the door opened i ran right back out and called for the fire department to bring in some air pacs. soooooo nasty

 

[brungeman]

one LBS I used to work at was located right next to this trashy bar that didn't really have a parking lot... Our shop did, but it wasn't big!!! we were only opened till 8 and didn't care about people parking in the lot after hours our signs even said "BIKE SHOP PARKING ONLY DURING BUSINESS HOURS"

after several requests to not park in our lot this one frequent offender/patron of the bar flipped us off when we asked him for the 8th or ninth time to not park in our lot.
as we were leaving the one owner (crazy guy that he is) grabbed a huge rubberband used in bike packaging, and set the store alarm. as he walked out I saw him pull the rubberband back... it was stretched between his pointer finger and thumb!!! he let something fly (1/4 inch loose ball from an old BB) and I heard a slight tink on the window of this car!!! he just smiled!!! and we left...
the next day the car returned about the same time and my boss just smiled... that night it got super cold... and the following day when the guy returned again his window was replaced with a sheet of plastic and duct tape!!! I was rolling... My boss knew all along that the chip wouldn't do it alone!!! but the guy would get his when the weather got cold!!!

not something I would do but it was funny at the time!!!:

 

[arboc!]

Does it matter that he was black?

not really, but afterwards he went into a hurracaine of ebonics and swearing... so yeah sort of

 

[TheMontashu]

This happend today, I guess its funny. Well it's more kinda Fed up. This guy I work with decides to get hella plastered at work. I'm thinkin to myself that were Fud cause this guy was in prison and is hard core. So he goes out and I hear yelling, I step outside and see a realy good costomer of the shop (sanjuro give your friend with the coiler a call) and the guy holding him back is a pretty big guy himself and doesnt take ****. While the guy form the tat shop is trying to restrain himself from punching the guy I work with. The guy I work with got by the guy holding him back and pushed the other guy, well guy that came from the tat shop and is HUGE. He takes the guy I work with to the ground and was telling him go chill the **** out or he would get his ass kicked. The guy who was holding him back runs into the shop I work at and informs me that the guy who is pinning the guy I work with to the ground is a pro cage fighter and some marial arts expert, I'm thinking well the other guy is boned. Turns out the wrestler guy doesnt like fighting and the guy I work with promises to get his bike and ride home. He gets his bike goes to leave and goes up to the other guy to start a fight again. The costomer goes and coaxes him back in. Then he goes out again and tries to start a fight. Once we get him back in again he starts thrashing his bike. We get the bike away from him and he walks out again. By this time the guy who was watching his ass gave up and walked up to his wrestler friend. Then he sees the cops pull up and he decides to walk away to the gast starion, well the cops miss out driveway and pull up infront of him. He turns around and walks away trying to get back into the shop I work out and he finds the door locked. Then he says something to the cops (I'm not sure what) being baligerant and all, next thing I know I see a red light on his chest from a tazer. Well at that time he decided to be respectfull, and they questioned him. After finding out that he had hit on some ones girl friend and then talked **** about the guy I decided that talking to the police about what happend could cause me problems, so I left.


But I have a feeling he is in a cell right now

(edit) I fixed some stuff that didnt make sense and his Ex showed up to hang out with him (by the way was realy hot) and he held her against the wall and wouldnt let her go for a while there.

 

[PatBranch]

This happend today, I guess its funny. Well it's more kinda Fed up. This guy I work with decides to get hella plastered at work. I'm thinkin to myself that were Fud cause this guy was in prison and is hard core. So he goes out and I hear yelling, I step outside and see a realy good costomer of the shop (sanjuro give your friend with the coiler a call) and the guy holding him back is a pretty big guy himself and doesnt take ****. While the guy form the tat shop is trying to restrain himself from punching the guy I work with. The guy I work with got by the guy holding him back and pushed the other guy, well guy that came from the tat shop and is HUGE. He takes the guy I work with to the ground and was telling him go chill the **** out or he would get his ass kicked. The guy who was holding him back runs into the shop I work at and informs me that the guy who is pinning the guy I work with to the ground is a pro cage fighter and some marial arts expert, I'm thinking well the other guy is boned. Turns out the wrestler guy doesnt like fighting and the guy I work with promises to get his bike and ride home. He gets his bike goes to leave and goes up to the other guy to start a fight again. The costomer goes and coaxes him back in. Then he goes out again and tries to start a fight. Once we get him back in again he starts thrashing his bike. We get the bike away from him and he walks out again. By this time the guy who was watching his ass gave up and walked up to his wrestler friend. Then he sees the cops pull up and he decides to walk away to the gast starion, well the cops miss out driveway and pull up infront of him. He turns around and walks away trying to get back into the shop I work out and he finds the door locked. Then he says something to the cops (I'm not sure what) being baligerant and all, next thing I know I see a red light on his chest from a tazer. Well at that time he decided to be respectfull, and they questioned him. After finding out that he had hit on some ones girl friend and then talked **** about the guy I decided that talking to the police about what happend could cause me problems, so I left.


But I have a feeling he is in a cell right now

(edit) I fixed some stuff that didnt make sense and his Ex showed up to hang out with him (by the way was realy hot) and he held her against the wall and wouldnt let her go for a while there.

Damn......, you had quite a night.

 

[Tame Ape]

This happend today, I guess its funny. Well it's more kinda Fed up. This guy I work with decides to get hella plastered at work. I'm thinkin to myself that were Fud cause this guy was in prison and is hard core. So he goes out and I hear yelling, I step outside and see a realy good costomer of the shop (sanjuro give your friend with the coiler a call) and the guy holding him back is a pretty big guy himself and doesnt take ****. While the guy form the tat shop is trying to restrain himself from punching the guy I work with. The guy I work with got by the guy holding him back and pushed the other guy, well guy that came from the tat shop and is HUGE. He takes the guy I work with to the ground and was telling him go chill the **** out or he would get his ass kicked. The guy who was holding him back runs into the shop I work at and informs me that the guy who is pinning the guy I work with to the ground is a pro cage fighter and some marial arts expert, I'm thinking well the other guy is boned. Turns out the wrestler guy doesnt like fighting and the guy I work with promises to get his bike and ride home. He gets his bike goes to leave and goes up to the other guy to start a fight again. The costomer goes and coaxes him back in. Then he goes out again and tries to start a fight. Once we get him back in again he starts thrashing his bike. We get the bike away from him and he walks out again. By this time the guy who was watching his ass gave up and walked up to his wrestler friend. Then he sees the cops pull up and he decides to walk away to the gast starion, well the cops miss out driveway and pull up infront of him. He turns around and walks away trying to get back into the shop I work out and he finds the door locked. Then he says something to the cops (I'm not sure what) being baligerant and all, next thing I know I see a red light on his chest from a tazer. Well at that time he decided to be respectfull, and they questioned him. After finding out that he had hit on some ones girl friend and then talked **** about the guy I decided that talking to the police about what happend could cause me problems, so I left.


But I have a feeling he is in a cell right now

(edit) I fixed some stuff that didnt make sense and his Ex showed up to hang out with him (by the way was realy hot) and he held her against the wall and wouldnt let her go for a while there.

I just read that at least three times and still barely understand it...:wonky2:

 

[TheMontashu]

There is a reason I should not have been talking to the cops last night.

 

[manimal]

next thing I know I see a red light on his chest from a tazer. Well at that time he decided to be respectfull, and they questioned him.

some people never learn.....
"stop!"
"eff you pig!"
"Stop!"
"eat me!"
ZAP!!!
"ok! ok!...aaaaaggghhhh!"

 

[TheMontashu]

some people never learn.....
"stop!"
"eff you pig!"
"Stop!"
"eat me!"
ZAP!!!
"ok! ok!...aaaaaggghhhh!"

They didnt even need to zap him, The red light was enough. I do feel realy bad for the guy though, he is a nice guy (when he is sober) and tries realy hard, but if he's ganna go do **** like this he needs to get whats coming to him. You are responsable for your own actions no matter how drunk you are.

 

[sanjuro]

They didnt even need to zap him, The red light was enough. I do feel realy bad for the guy though, he is a nice guy (when he is sober) and tries realy hard, but if he's ganna go do **** like this he needs to get whats coming to him. You are responsable for your own actions no matter how drunk you are.

Dam, take a weekend off and miss all the fun...

 

[TheMontashu]

lol, I'm going to give the guy ALOT of credit. Tonight he walked into the tatoo shop and like gave a very heartfelt "I'm sorry" to the owner and the guy he tried to fight.

And it turns out they called his mom instead of aresting him.

 

[sanjuro]

lol, I'm going to give the guy ALOT of credit. Tonight he walked into the tatoo shop and like gave a very heartfelt "I'm sorry" to the owner and the guy he tried to fight.

And it turns out they called his mom instead of aresting him.

G is a good guy, but if you can't control yourself...

 

[TheMontashu]

He is a good guy, he needs to stop drinking and the boss needs to not be letting him.

 

[sanjuro]

He is a good guy, he needs to stop drinking and the boss needs to not be letting him.

Well, there is a rule about drinking at the shop. No one is allowed to start drinking... until our boss starts drinking.

 

[TheMontashu]

Well, there is a rule about drinking at the shop. No one is allowed to start drinking... until our boss starts drinking.

He has almost always had something to drunk before work, SO when the doors open its usualy cool