Abbott & Costello in the 21st Century
ABBOTT: Fry's Electronics. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the
den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name is Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out
the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer
and software.
ABBOTT: Software that runs on Windows?
COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can
use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run
a business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend
anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommended something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.
ABBOTT: Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has
windows! Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I
want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need
lots of words. But what program do I load?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows?"
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't
give me a straight answer. Let's forget about words
for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a
movie over the Internet?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I
watch is none of your business. But what do I need to
watch it?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch
reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I
want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue 1.
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue 1.
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?
ABBOTT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is Real One. The
blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for
windows!"
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word
in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many
other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the
other Words.
COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?
ABBOTT: No. Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real
One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with
that again. But I also need something for bank
accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help
me track my money?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your
computer.
COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Exactly. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at
no extra charge? How much money do I get?
ABBOTT: Just one copy.
COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?
ABBOTT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make
copies of Money.
COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?
ABBOTT: Why not? They own it.
COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free
money, but I'll still need to track it. Do you have
anything for managing your money?
ABBOTT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared
years ago.
COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: You sell money?
ABBOTT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us,
you get it for free.
COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be
running a business. Do you have any software for, you
know, accounting?
ABBOTT: Simply Accounting.
COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little
complicated.
ABBOTT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might
try M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: M..Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?
ABBOTT: Mind Your Own Business.
COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?
ABBOTT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for
my home business. You know accounting? You do it
with money.
ABBOTT: Of course you can do accounting with Money.
But you may need more.
COSTELLO: More money?
ABBOTT: More than Money. Money can't do everything.
COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget
about money for the moment. I'm worried that my
computer might... what's the word? Crash. And if my
computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?
ABBOTT: GoBack.
COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing
and I need something to restore my data. What do you
recommend?
ABBOTT: GoBack.
COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?
ABBOTT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I
said was GoBack.
COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been
anywhere? Okay, I'll go back. What do I need to write
a proposal?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a
proposal.
ABBOTT: No, you only need one Word - the Word in
Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in...Oh, never mind.
ABBOTT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always
hang up on me? Oh, well.
Fry's Electronics. Can I help you?
(LATER)
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off??
ABBOTT: Click on "START"..........
ABBOTT: Fry's Electronics. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the
den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name is Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out
the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer
and software.
ABBOTT: Software that runs on Windows?
COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can
use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run
a business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend
anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommended something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.
ABBOTT: Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has
windows! Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I
want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need
lots of words. But what program do I load?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows?"
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't
give me a straight answer. Let's forget about words
for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a
movie over the Internet?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I
watch is none of your business. But what do I need to
watch it?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch
reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I
want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue 1.
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue 1.
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?
ABBOTT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is Real One. The
blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for
windows!"
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word
in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many
other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the
other Words.
COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?
ABBOTT: No. Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real
One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with
that again. But I also need something for bank
accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help
me track my money?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your
computer.
COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Exactly. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at
no extra charge? How much money do I get?
ABBOTT: Just one copy.
COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?
ABBOTT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make
copies of Money.
COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?
ABBOTT: Why not? They own it.
COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free
money, but I'll still need to track it. Do you have
anything for managing your money?
ABBOTT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared
years ago.
COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: You sell money?
ABBOTT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us,
you get it for free.
COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be
running a business. Do you have any software for, you
know, accounting?
ABBOTT: Simply Accounting.
COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little
complicated.
ABBOTT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might
try M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: M..Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?
ABBOTT: Mind Your Own Business.
COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?
ABBOTT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for
my home business. You know accounting? You do it
with money.
ABBOTT: Of course you can do accounting with Money.
But you may need more.
COSTELLO: More money?
ABBOTT: More than Money. Money can't do everything.
COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget
about money for the moment. I'm worried that my
computer might... what's the word? Crash. And if my
computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?
ABBOTT: GoBack.
COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing
and I need something to restore my data. What do you
recommend?
ABBOTT: GoBack.
COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?
ABBOTT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I
said was GoBack.
COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been
anywhere? Okay, I'll go back. What do I need to write
a proposal?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a
proposal.
ABBOTT: No, you only need one Word - the Word in
Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in...Oh, never mind.
ABBOTT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always
hang up on me? Oh, well.
Fry's Electronics. Can I help you?
(LATER)
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off??
ABBOTT: Click on "START"..........
