Quantcast

haha! Read the email DHG sent me!!

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by douglas, Sep 19, 2005.

  1. douglas

    douglas Chocolate Milk Doug

    Rep/Likes:
    4 / 0
    Joined:
    May 15, 2002
    Messages:
    9,889
    Location:
    Shut up and Ride
    Hey Doug!!

    what's new? last night was a rough one!

    My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the my cat. I then had the thought that would ring painful in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

    It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.
    No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

    So I pull one of the thin strips out. I'ts two strips facing each other, stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am "She-rah," fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

    With my next wax strip I move north. Time for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of
    my butt cheek. (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself.........RI RRRIIIPPP!!!!
    I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!.... OH M Y GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision is slowly returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...........must stay conscious........Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

    I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it.
    I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. THE hair
    that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake.......remember my foot is
    still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something, so I put my foot down. DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the
    slamming of a cell door. Vagina? Sealed Shut! Butt?? Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom
    trying to figure out what to do and think to myself ,"Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"
    What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand
    into the bathtub, get in and emmerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off,
    .......right??? WRONG!!!!!!!

    I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than I am used to, about right for torture of prisoners of war
    or sterilizing surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is
    having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!
    God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

    I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone.
    It's a very good conversation starter. "So........ my butt and who-ha are glue together to the bottom of the tub!" ( There
    is a slight pause.) She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal of myself from the tub, but she does try to hide
    her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or who-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now.....I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on
    the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various
    solutions I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor . Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

    By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need
    Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

    My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the
    excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MYGOD!!!!!!!
    The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.
    "IT WORKS!! IT WORKS!!

    I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
    So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have operated on my own appendix at this point.
     

    Please register to disable this ad.

  2. stosh

    stosh Darth Bailer

    Rep/Likes:
    14 / 86
    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2001
    Messages:
    21,873
    Location:
    NY
    Cliff notes?
     
  3. dh girlie

    dh girlie MISS MISSY (geek)

    Rep/Likes:
    6 / 0
    Joined:
    Feb 11, 2002
    Messages:
    8,056
    Location:
    A state where you never find the dance floor empty
    It's ok Doug...you don't have to pretend it was me who sent you that email...lots of men wax these days...go ahead...share some more of your private in home antics with us...we won't judge...
     
  4. stinkyboy

    stinkyboy Plastic Santa

    Rep/Likes:
    1 / 0
    Joined:
    Jan 6, 2005
    Messages:
    15,195
    Location:
    ¡Phoenix!
    She waxed her junk?
     
  5. robdamanii

    robdamanii OMG! <3 Tom Brady!

    Rep/Likes:
    4 / 0
    Joined:
    May 2, 2005
    Messages:
    10,681
    Location:
    Out of my mind, back in a moment.
    Hysterical image that's created. A+
     
  6. DRB

    DRB unemployed bum

    Rep/Likes:
    5 / 0
    Joined:
    Oct 24, 2002
    Messages:
    15,287
    Location:
    Watchin' you. Writing it all down.
    You didn't even get hayer spelled right.
     
  7. douglas

    douglas Chocolate Milk Doug

    Rep/Likes:
    4 / 0
    Joined:
    May 15, 2002
    Messages:
    9,889
    Location:
    Shut up and Ride

    the "reversal", nice attempt.....anyway, I am sorry that I broke my promise and posted your who-ha story
     
  8. robdamanii

    robdamanii OMG! <3 Tom Brady!

    Rep/Likes:
    4 / 0
    Joined:
    May 2, 2005
    Messages:
    10,681
    Location:
    Out of my mind, back in a moment.
    This thread is useless without pics.
     
  9. MTB_Rob_NC

    MTB_Rob_NC What do I have to do to get you in this car TODAY?

    Rep/Likes:
    3 / 0
    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2002
    Messages:
    3,438
    Location:
    Charlotte, NC
    I had to stop reading that no less then 3 times because I was losing it in my office as people were walking by.
     
  10. Andy_B

    Andy_B Monkey

    Rep/Likes:
    5 / 0
    Joined:
    Jul 21, 2004
    Messages:
    679
    Location:
    whereabouts unknown
    :stupid:
     
  11. dh girlie

    dh girlie MISS MISSY (geek)

    Rep/Likes:
    6 / 0
    Joined:
    Feb 11, 2002
    Messages:
    8,056
    Location:
    A state where you never find the dance floor empty
    Ok...well you've done it now...I'm going to post our sexy online chats about how I help you fulfill your fantasies by telling you what you want to hear...about how it looks like I have undercover brother or ladies man in a headlock with my legs...
     
  12. douglas

    douglas Chocolate Milk Doug

    Rep/Likes:
    4 / 0
    Joined:
    May 15, 2002
    Messages:
    9,889
    Location:
    Shut up and Ride

    you saved them too, nice :D
     
  13. MTB_Rob_NC

    MTB_Rob_NC What do I have to do to get you in this car TODAY?

    Rep/Likes:
    3 / 0
    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2002
    Messages:
    3,438
    Location:
    Charlotte, NC

    hold on... Should I turn down my office lights? :eek:
     
  14. hooples3

    hooples3 Fuggetaboutit!

    Rep/Likes:
    5 / 0
    Joined:
    Mar 14, 2005
    Messages:
    5,247
    Location:
    Brooklyn
    i did notice she was walking a little funny the other day