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Help me get out of jury duty

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by drkenan, Sep 15, 2010.

  1. drkenan

    drkenan anti-dentite

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    I know it's my civic duty and all that fvcking bullsh!t but as the owner of 2 small businesses whose livelihood (as well as that of 20 others) depends on my ability to show up for work, I need to get out of it.

    Anyway, I need to find an insanely offensive and ridiculous t-shirt and also something absurd to say. I'm thinking about something like this (since it's kind of legal themed):



    Or this old classic:



    Who's got suggestions for me?
     

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  2. moff_quigley

    moff_quigley Why don't you have a seat over there?

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    "Yessir there's no one available to cover for me while I am gone. I am the gooey sticky stuff that holds my businesses together and cannot afford to be away."
     
  3. drkenan

    drkenan anti-dentite

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    Tried that last time - which was only 2 years ago - and it didn't work. :rolleyes:
     
  4. Ciaran

    Ciaran Fear my banana

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    You really need to do jury duty. We need people like you on juries instead of bored wal mart housewives who have the intelligence level of a toddler that we usually get.

    If for some reason you find yourself in front of a jury someday you're going to wish you had people like yourself on that jury. Do yourself and society a favor... go do jury duty.

    But if you really want out...
    http://www.ridemonkey.com/forums/showthread.php?t=236219
     
  5. Jimmysal

    Jimmysal Monkey

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    Ever had a bad experience with the legal system? Ever been pulled out of a car and submitted to an unnecessary search?
     
  6. jdcamb

    jdcamb Tool Time!

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    Question the thought processes of your co-jurists. Be very vocal and think out loud, Write everything down to a yellow legal pad and ask that things be repeated a lot. Write in very large print. Coach the other jurists and then make fun of them when they get confused. Cackle incessantly.....Exclaim you're love for Puerto Rican Porn Stars. Worked for me....
     
  7. Arkayne

    Arkayne I come bearing GIFs

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    go to jury duty.



    the car is jury duty. You can't avoid it all the time.
     
    #7 -   Sep 15, 2010
    Last edited: Sep 15, 2010
  8. drkenan

    drkenan anti-dentite

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    Holy crap that sucks! Man...sorry to hear that.

    On a lighter note though I think I just found a winner:

     
  9. AngryMetalsmith

    AngryMetalsmith Business is good, thanks for asking

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    Back when I was still living in Assville, a hipster was walking by a coffee house wearing a T-shirt that read " I take it up the ass for Jesus ". Maybe he would let you borrow it.
     
  10. JeffKill

    JeffKill Monkey

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    I was summoned for jury duty once. I showed up but didn't make the cut. Not sure why..
     
  11. binary visions

    binary visions The voice of reason

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    I've been asked four times and each time the judge tells me to get out of his courthouse and put some pants on.
     
  12. Jimmysal

    Jimmysal Monkey

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    Plus, if you're meant to get out of it, you will. When I got tapped, it was for a malpractice suit. My father was a doctor, and one of his patients tried (and failed) to fvck him out of money on a frivolous suit when I was a kid.

    Naturally I carried some bias on that type of thing, so they cut me loose.
     
  13. drkenan

    drkenan anti-dentite

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    Must've been your extreme manly smell.
     
  14. golgiaparatus

    golgiaparatus Out of my element

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    When they call you for the morning roll instead of "here" or "present" say "GUILTY!".

    Seriously though, I was in jury duty a few months back. I was in there with numerous small business owners. Most of the brought in laptops and conducted their business right there until they got called to a Jury.
     
  15. DirtMcGirk

    DirtMcGirk <b>WAY</b> Dumber than N8 (to the power of ten alm

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    I always ask during selection things like "what bumper stickers are on your car" or "what political organizations do you donate to" all the way on down to "what is your view of race in this country as a mitigating factor in crime?"

    Normally I disqualify over:
    - Too activist for the other side (and then normally they get struck if I leave them be as the prosecutor/other team sees them as too activist for me)
    - You're blatantly fvcking with me or your totally insane.
    - If you show prejudice against my client. "Well what are your thoughts on doctors making mistakes? Oh, you want all doctors dead? Your honor, I move to strike Juror X."

    However, as a typically defense attorney in the criminal arena and as a plaintiff's attorney in civil, you're kinda my wet dream. White, educated, owner of your own business. On some levels I'd get rid of you on principal in a civil trial because I suspect you harbor ill will against all plaintiffs at this point. But in a criminal trial, or in a complex civil trial where my client got screwed, you're not going ANYWHERE if I can help it.


    Just tell them you talk to Jesus on your golden telephone before making any decisions.
     
  16. Jimmysal

    Jimmysal Monkey

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    What if someone xyz? What would you do?

    Well, I'd have to pray on it a spell...
     
  17. drkenan

    drkenan anti-dentite

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    Wait...who said anything about being educated? :p

    Seriously...there's no chance that I'm going to be impartial. I just want the damn thing over with so I can get back to business. You think that would do the trick to get me out?
     
  18. DirtMcGirk

    DirtMcGirk <b>WAY</b> Dumber than N8 (to the power of ten alm

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    Nope.

    Justice isn't blind in America, she's just retarded and lazy.
     
  19. Ciaran

    Ciaran Fear my banana

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    Well said... very well said.

    Must spread rep...
     
  20. Arkayne

    Arkayne I come bearing GIFs

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    My last summons (a few months ago actually) was for a hit and run case. One of the first things the judge asked was if anyone was biased in anyway. I was the first to raise a hand and said, "As an avid cyclist, I feel strongly against those who commit hit and run."

    The defense attorney promptly dismissed me.
     
  21. stevew

    stevew unique white person

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    grow a cawk duster and show up wearing a pair of tight jeans, a muscle shirt, and half a stick of pepperoni crammed down the front of your pants....stroke it every other minute while you are waiting......the mustache or the pepperoni in your pants...your choice
     
  22. TN

    TN Hey baby, want a hot dog?

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    really?
    if you got called for jury duty, you & 20 people's livelihood would suffer?
     
  23. Sghost

    Sghost Turbo Monkey

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  24. sanjuro

    sanjuro Tube Smuggler

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    Apparently ST uniforms will NOT get you out of JD.
     
  25. johnbryanpeters

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    Sack up and do your duty.
     
  26. Silver

    Silver find me a tampon

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    It's easy to say "Do it" if you're a W2 working for the man. Not so easy when you're self-employed.

    Although, really, with 20 people working for you, you're doing something wrong if you have to be there all the time every day. Nightmare scenario is getting stuck with a multi-week murder trial or something though...
     
  27. Pesqueeb

    Pesqueeb bicycle in airplane hangar

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    But what if its a dental malpractice case?
     
  28. johnbryanpeters

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    Bull****. If you're regularly employed and earning your salary the required absence from your duties is potentially just as disruptive, presuming you're not a slacker. The test in either case is whether you have taken the time and made the effort to be ready for contingencies in general.
     
  29. I Are Baboon

    I Are Baboon Run, Forrest, Run!

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    I'd like to get called again. A day out of the office would be welcome right now. I've been called five times. Lucky SSN, I guess. I got as far as the courtroom once. The other times the case was settled in the morning and we were all dismissed.

    To reply to the OP, I say just go. We all have better things to be doing, son.
     
  30. Quo Fan

    Quo Fan don't make me kick your ass

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    Here. I'm just not sure where "here" is.
    I've been called 3 times in MA, 1 time in CT. I have never seen a courtroom. In MA, all 3 time I got to go home by 10am. They kept us till 2:30 in CT.

    Do your civic duty and appear.
     
  31. loco-gringo

    loco-gringo Crusading Clamp Monkey

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    I had to do it in traffic court a couple of years back. I told one juror she was stupid and told the defendant to sack up and stop wasting our time. He was guilty and wasting court resources because he felt violated. He was the dumbass that violated that poor lady's car because he couldn't follow at a safe distance in the rain.

    You might as well go drkenan. I suspect no one will want your whiny ass in a jury box anyway. Hell, you got fired from a dentist. You are not exactly "employable", if you will. :think:
     
  32. Silver

    Silver find me a tampon

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    Graveyards are full of indispensable men, but losing the principal at a company with 20 employees for a week hurts a lot more than losing Dilbert for a week. Big companies have things like HR departments, accounting departments, etc. Small businesses usually have the owner.
     
  33. stevew

    stevew unique white person

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    which one is kenan....

     
  34. drkenan

    drkenan anti-dentite

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    Oh please...if there is a God in heaven this will come true.


    To all those wondering...I'm gonna go. This thread was more tongue in cheek than anything (not meant to discuss your opinion of my "employability"). Although I'm damn sure going to find an offensive t-shirt.
     
  35. jonKranked

    jonKranked Press Button, Receive Stupid

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    make sure you leave a one star review of the courthouse and lawyers on the internet
     
  36. stevew

    stevew unique white person

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    or sh*t on the sidewalk in front of it....it's asheville after all.
     
  37. 3D.

    3D. Monkey

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    It's very easy to be relieved... unfortunately it will most likely be for life.

    10 years ago I was working 70-75 hours a week with one of my small businesses and was called to duty. It was physically impossible for me to attend during the time period that I was called upon so I simply wrote the court a short letter stating that I was a firm believer in the Jury Nullification process and since our courts no longer practice this openly I was not willing to attend.

    I have never been called for duty since then and probably never will be called again. Our current justice system bitterly despises this old, extremely important, process and absolutely does not want that type of free thinking in the court rooms.

    I’m bummed I can’t go back, for it was really just a timing issue.
     
  38. bizutch

    bizutch Delicate CUSTOM flower

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    You do realize that with the list of crimes committed against you, you stand a better chance of facing your assailant than a crack dealer in Hillside would.
     
  39. -BB-

    -BB- I broke all the rules, but somehow still became mo

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    Did you come in showing off all your ink? At least you don't have anything on your fingers. ;)
     
  40. -BB-

    -BB- I broke all the rules, but somehow still became mo

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    The only thing I can say is that while you should never "lie", do not be hesitant to speak up about how you feel on something. Unlike Cairian's jail experience, sitting in the corner with your eyes on the ground is the perfect way to get picked. Express a view on something and more than likely one side or the other will dismiss you.

    For me, the last time it was "I trust the word of a police officer LESS than that of the average person".