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humor

LordOpie

MOTHER HEN
Oct 17, 2002
21,027
3
Denver
Cyclists are the biggest sandbaggers and secret trainers around. They'll say anything to soften you up for the kill. Don't let this happen to you.* Study this handy rider's phrasebook to find out what they really mean when they say:

"I'm out of shape"
Translation: I ride 400 miles a week and haven't missed a day since the Ford administration. I replace my 11-tooth cog more often than you wash your shorts. My body fat percentage is lower than your mortgage rate.

"I'm not into competition. I'm just riding to stay in shape"
Translation: I will attack until you collapse in the gutter, babbling and whimpering. I will win the line sprint if I have to force you into oncoming traffic. I will crest this hill first if I have to grab your seat post, and spray energy drink in your eyes.

"I'm on my beater bike"
Translation: I had this baby custom-made in Tuscany using titanium blessed by the Pope. I took it to a wind tunnel and it disappeared. It weighs less than a fart and costs more than a divorce.

"It's not that hilly"
Translation: This climb lasts longer than a presidential campaign. Be careful on the steep sections or you'll fall over -- backward. You have a 39x23 low gear? Here's the name of my knee surgeon.

"You're doing great, honey"
Translation: Yo, lard ass, I'd like to get home before midnight. This is what you get for spending the winter decorating and eating chocolate. I shoulda married that cute Cat 1 racer when I had the chance.

"This is a no-drop ride"
Translation: I'll need an article of your clothing for the search- and-rescue dogs.

"It's not that far"
Translation: Bring your passport

:D
 

Morryjg

Mr. Ho Jangles
May 9, 2003
906
0
Littleton
LordOpie said:
"It's not that hilly"
Translation: This climb lasts longer than a presidential campaign. Be careful on the steep sections or you'll fall over -- backward. You have a 39x23 low gear? Here's the name of my knee surgeon.
I'm familiar with that one. Often spoken after the question of "Is there a good warmup or are we headed right into a climb." :help:
 

Echo

crooked smile
Jul 10, 2002
11,818
1
Slacking at work
LordOpie said:
"I'm out of shape"
Translation: I ride 400 miles a week and haven't missed a day since the Ford administration. I replace my 11-tooth cog more often than you wash your shorts. My body fat percentage is lower than your mortgage rate.
The roadie group at work all pulled this one at the beginning of the year... every one of them was like "I haven't ridden since last year, I'm a lardass, I need to find my shoes" you know the drill. I had been riding and training all winter and it was everything I could do to hang on to their paceline. Bastards... but at least next spring I'll know what's up :D
 

Westy

the teste
Nov 22, 2002
38,155
4,942
Sleazattle
I complained of being hungover at the starting line of a race once. Everyone thought I was full of Sheet until I deposited my breakfast on the side of the road.