[ALEXIS_DH]

so, this is serious. so no asshat remarks will be appreciated.

my grand-dad passed away 1 month and 4 days ago.

i´ve been having a lot of feelings since his death. that i havent shared with anybody except, briefly, my sister. i dont think i´d be comfortable doing so.

i was born in 1983, when my grandpa was 70 yo. he lived with us since he retired (way before 83) and he was there basically all my life. he was an old caring grumpy old man who picked me up from kinder and grade school, who cooked sweets for me and my sister and used to take us to the club everyday, painted with us and played with us every day as i grew up.
i spent many more hours with him than with my parents as a kid.
he was awesome and a very caring grandpa. and a great dad for my mom, my aunt Anabela and my uncle Francisco (the 3 kids he had while married).

but on the other hand, he also was an extremely abusive man in his early years. he was part of an older generation, when it was socially acceptable in south america to sexually harass and physically abuse your maids and butlers and their families. but he really awful things, even by his day standards. things i learnt as i grew older and became disenchanted with the old man.
basically he was a copy of a early 1800s southern plantation owner in the peru of the 1930s.
he did many thing i´d be ashamed to mention, very bad stuff to others dignity and personal rights, but i guess its not necesary and you can imagine.

in his last years, i had a good relationship with him. he passed away at age 93.
i drove him to the bank every week to do pointless paperwork he loved to do, and i did a lot of little stuff for him, though not always with a smile on my face.
but i no longer saw my grandpa the same since i was 13-14. when i started to find out about his life and nasty stuff he did to others..... that created in me some animosity, that might have turned me careless and even negligent with him, and his care. which may have aggravated the fragile health of a 93 yo. i didnt go the extra mile to look for a good nurse for him, just hired the first one i interviewed and didnt checked in detail if she was doing the right job and a lot of details that add up.

so, i´ve felt some guilt from his death. i´ve been feeling i could have done more for him, that i owed more to him, after all he was a good grandpa to me. independently from his attitude to others.

even though at the time i looked at him with a bit of animosity because of his life, which made me not be so caring with him as i could have been.

i talked with my sister, and she told me. that i shouldnt feel guilt, that he was 93 already, and that my lack of care wasnt the reason he died, even tough i still felt a little bad.
although the day he passed away, my aunt in the hospital told me (among the first things she said to me as she saw me) "he wont bother you anymore". which really made me feel like absolute crap then and has been stinging me since.

thoughts?

 

[Domin8stang]

dang thats rough, a tough situation. Dont let it beat you up too bad, he was really old, and anything at that age could have been the cause.

 

[sanjuro]

That's a tough one.

He wasn't all bad, as you already know. And obviously your grandfather is a product of his environment. Possibly his age was a factor in his abusive behavior, but it is important to forgive and forget.

Mentioning plantation owners, it was despicable what they did, but at some point you have forgive, forget, and move on.

 

[gsweet]

hey man, i feel ya. i just had my uncle pass away a few days ago and, like yourself, i feel that i really should have done some things differently. he wasn't married and didn't have any kids, so my brother and myself (i was his oldest nephew) were effectively his children whenver he was around. he lived in NYC and I in boston, so whenever i was down there i made a conscious effort to give him a visit, but i really don't think i made enough of one.

i guess what i'm trying to get out is that there's no reason to beat yourself up over these things: your grandfather, wherever he is right now, knows that you loved him dearly and probably realizes how much of an internal struggle it must have been for you as you learned of his past. in situations like these, we always seem to forget that the individual on the opposite end of the situation is pondering the dilemma in very much the same way.

hope that helps a little, bro. take it easy.

gs

 

[fluff]

Thoughts?

He made 93, few people get that far so he a had long life, hopefully he enjoyed it.

You talk of your 'lack of care' yet you cared and did stuff for him, maybe you could have done more (in fact unless you spent every minute caring for him you definitely could have done more). You could also have done less or none at all. Everyone who loses someone close wishes that they had done more, regardless of how much they did; you have your own life too, he was not reliant on you - there is no reason to reproach yourself.

Your aunt does not know the full story of your relationship with your grandfather and she should not have made that comment, perhaps she has her own 'guilt' and is trying to assuage it by making you feel bad (fvcked up psychology but people do it).

As for his life, remember the good things, learn from those and from the bad things but remember this - the only things you know to be true are the things that you experienced. He may have been better than people portray him, he may have been worse but unless you were there do not be harsh in your judgement. Remember that you are in no way responsible for the things that he did.

Guilt is not a good emotion, do not let it eat away at you, live a life you believe to be worthwhile, keep to the standards you believe are right and make the most of your time.

And this is all part of the grieving process, do not feel bad.

 

[ALEXIS_DH]

Thoughts?

He made 93, few people get that far so he a had long life, hopefully he enjoyed it.

You talk of your 'lack of care' yet you cared and did stuff for him, maybe you could have done more (in fact unless you spent every minute caring for him you definitely could have done more). You could also have done less or none at all. Everyone who loses someone close wishes that they had done more, regardless of how much they did; you have your own life too, he was not reliant on you - there is no reason to reproach yourself.

Your aunt does not know the full story of your relationship with your grandfather and she should not have made that comment, perhaps she has her own 'guilt' and is trying to assuage it by making you feel bad (fvcked up psychology but people do it).

As for his life, remember the good things, learn from those and from the bad things but remember this - the only things you know to be true are the things that you experienced. He may have been better than people portray him, he may have been worse but unless you were there do not be harsh in your judgement. Remember that you are in no way responsible for the things that he did.

Guilt is not a good emotion, do not let it eat away at you, live a life you believe to be worthwhile, keep to the standards you believe are right and make the most of your time.

And this is all part of the grieving process, do not feel bad.

wise words right there.

my aunt lives in venezuela since the late 70s. she is kinda stranger to the whole situation. she flew overnight when we told her grandpa was sick. i think she also feels some guilt for not coming to Lima more often.
my grandpa moved to the caribbean with her, about 6-8 months ago, but he moved back after a few weeks, he didnt like the heat and missed his dog. that also might have made feel some guilt for letting him go or whatever...

he was what he was. it was beyond a matter of perseption, and he never regreted nor apologized for anything he did and kept on with a few of his customs...
i wish i could just forgive and forget, but its not me who should forgive.

6 days before he passed away, he wasnt feeling alright. and i took him to the hospital to see the doctor. we stayed in the hospital from 9am until 4pm. he got some xrays done, some blood samples taken. we waited for the results, we talked a while, saw a couple doctors, watched tv and went to the coffee shop and had brunch in the meanwhile... i got to spend his whole last active day with him at least, then i took him back home at 4pm when they said everything was alright.

the next day i went to work, and when i got out, he was already on icu. i spent the next 2 nights at the hospital, and only saw him once after that. i really didnt have the nerve to go in again and see him there, talk and not cry.

thanks to all.

 

[Changleen]

I think by the sounds of things you've done a lot better than a lot of people by him. I think you should be proud of what you have done and try not to dwell on the imperfections. Nothing is ever perfect. By the sound of things you two largely had a great relationship. That's what he'd have remembered at the end.

 

[lux]

...at some point you have forgive, forget, and move on.

It's my belief that we have to forgive ourselves before we can truely forgive anyone else.

Alexis -- you did this best you could have done with the information you had and who you were at the time. I suggest forgetting all that negative crap and focusing on all those great things you and he shared.

You don't have the ability to travel back in time and do things differently. Just learn from it, let it go and move on.

Just my humble 2cents. Hope this helps.

 

[splat]

Well , My one observation is you say thiese things you herd that your Grandpa did when he was younger that have made you upset . did you ever talk to him about them ? Get his side of teh story ? let him defend himself ? While I'm not saying he is innocent or not, but things tend to get exagerated over time. while it may not have been good , it may not havebeen as bad as you percieve. also what Made your Aunt think he bothereed you ?

 

[N8 v2.0]

All you can do is consider that you made the best decisions you could have at the time with the information you had.

Leave it at that.

 

[ALEXIS_DH]

Well , My one observation is you say thiese things you herd that your Grandpa did when he was younger that have made you upset . did you ever talk to him about them ? Get his side of teh story ? let him defend himself ? While I'm not saying he is innocent or not, but things tend to get exagerated over time. while it may not have been good , it may not havebeen as bad as you percieve. also what Made your Aunt think he bothereed you ?

yup. i talked to him, his mind frame was until recently, still in the plantation era. i´ve seen him make housekeepers cry, even at 80 years old...
although as he got old (around the time i was born) he lost the energy to keep active.

i´ve met the people who worked for him, and their kids, i know for a fact he had another daughter (that´d be an extra aunt for me) he never cared for.... and a lot of other stuff that i´d just better leave at that, because i wouldnt like to be more specific.

my close family never really touched the subject with me, i found out from talking with other family members, and verifying the story with my mom any my older sister (14y older)
she and my aunt and uncle loved my grandpa to no end, and never told me much about his life, other than stuff they thought were funny or the good experiences they had growing up with him.
they try to avoid the icky stuff, he was really not a good man with others, and we just didnt talk much about it.

about my aunt, i dont know, probably she was under the impression i thought doing stuff for grandpa was a chore (which it kinda was, specially in the last few years, given my predisposition based on his life). i guess i kinda feel guilty i let that animosity towards his actions get in the way in how i dealt with him in his last years.