[LordOpie]

The cashier at Whole Foods was telling us jokes while checking the food. He looked like Mitch, sounded like him, and delivered jokes just like him. I told the guy to get one of Mitch's DVDs, learn the material and do a Tribute Tour!

 

[jdcamb]

I worked on these today.

But he doesn't have anything to do with... nevermind.

 

[CAVEDWELLER]

I had an ant farm, those f'ers didn't grow sh!t.

RIP Mitch

 

[ska todd]

"Rice: the food you eat when you want to eat a thousand of something."

-ska todd

 

[Dirty]

“On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the hell did you get that banana at...”

 

[macko]

"A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer."

 

[Mike B.]

“An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.”

 

[lovebunny]

this one kind of applies
Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. "You might have seen this next comedian at the store," and people would say "Hell yes I have!"

 

[Skookum]

i'm so glad i got to see that guy live, and also not really knowing who he was made it awesome. Not enough time for that cat to have been around.

 

[BurlyShirley]

Max Headroom?

 

[jimmydean]

"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long."
and my other favorite
"When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away."

Ok, last one:
When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufrane, party of two. Dufrane, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufrane, party of two, Dufrane, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes? No one seems to give a sh!t. Who can eat at a time like this - people are missing. You f@ckers are selfish... the Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry! That's a double whammy. We need help. Bush, search party of three! You can eat when you find the Dufranes.

RIP Mitch