[Pesqueeb]

Warning: Pity party inbound

For the better part of 13 years I've dealt with the physical (and sometimes mental) aspects of my accident. Sometimes better than others to be sure, usually worse in the winter when storms blow through, or it gets really cold. There has always been discomfort, again both physical and mental, but it's been manageable with a steady regimen of PT, massage, over the counter drugs, and liberal doses of alcohol. But here in the last 6 months or so, this routine just isn't cutting it. It's gone from discomfort, to genuine pain, that the OTC drugs, the bourbon, and the other things just aren't touching any more. I suppose it's just age, but who knows? I remember my lawyer, way back when, talking about how I would be dealing with my injuries "for the rest of my life". At 28 of course, the rest of your life seems pretty fucking abstract. At 42, I appreciate the magnitude of her understatement. I'm a raging prick. I don't sleep, ever. I hurt. When I was a kid, my best friends mom was in a horrible car accident. Her back was FUCKED. She would spend the rest of her life on a steadily increasing number and volume and potency of pain killers. She was one of the kindest, most caring people I ever knew despite the pain she was in and despite the drugs she was on to be able to function. I loved her. She was the caring mother figure I didn't really have in my life. She was 42 when she died, as a side effect of the drugs she was on. I've spent 13 years being uncomfortable because Marylin's fate fucking terrifies me. To have the morphine take you out 20 years after the car accident couldn't. But I can't do it any more. I've made an appointment with a doctor for tomorrow morning to do something about the physical pain I have and I'm fucking scared. The last time I saw Marylin was at my wedding. She only made it to one of her own kids weddings. She didn't get to meet her grand children. She would have loved my daughter.

I suppose I'm over reacting. It seems most likely. Doc is liable to prescribe or suggest something really simple and dumb. I'm probably freaking out over nothing.

But this is where I'm at. Something has to give. It feels like defeat.

Edit: Not a suicide thread, though I realize it might sound like that. I've just had to admit that I can't deal with this through sheer strength of will/dumb.

 

[Montana rider]

Warning: Pity party inbound

For the better part of 13 years I've dealt with the physical (and sometimes mental) aspects of my accident. Sometimes better than others to be sure, usually worse in the winter when storms blow through, or it gets really cold. There has always been discomfort, again both physical and mental, but it's been manageable with a steady regimen of PT, massage, over the counter drugs, and liberal doses of alcohol. But here in the last 6 months or so, this routine just isn't cutting it. It's gone from discomfort, to genuine pain, that the OTC drugs, the bourbon, and the other things just aren't touching any more. I suppose it's just age, but who knows? I remember my lawyer, way back when, talking about how I would be dealing with my injuries "for the rest of my life". At 28 of course, the rest of your life seems pretty fucking abstract. At 42, I appreciate the magnitude of her understatement. I'm a raging prick. I don't sleep, ever. I hurt. When I was a kid, my best friends mom was in a horrible car accident. Her back was FUCKED. She would spend the rest of her life on a steadily increasing number and volume and potency of pain killers. She was one of the kindest, most caring people I ever knew despite the pain she was in and despite the drugs she was on to be able to function. I loved her. She was the caring mother figure I didn't really have in my life. She was 42 when she died, as a side effect of the drugs she was on. I've spent 13 years being uncomfortable because Marylin's fate fucking terrifies me. To have the morphine take you out 20 years after the car accident couldn't. But I can't do it any more. I've made an appointment with a doctor for tomorrow morning to do something about the physical pain I have and I'm fucking scared. The last time I saw Marylin was at my wedding. She only made it to one of her own kids weddings. She didn't get to meet her grand children. She would have loved my daughter.

I suppose I'm over reacting. It seems most likely. Doc is liable to prescribe or suggest something really simple and dumb. I'm probably freaking out over nothing.

But this is where I'm at. Something has to give. It feels like defeat.

Edit: Not a suicide thread, though I realize it might sound like that.

Sorry to hear all this, but good on you for doing something about it.

You've got to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else...

I'd suggest revisiting the land of edibles, but that would necessitate a jerb search, which likely wouldn't help your stress.

I assume refilling chem-trail juice is a young man's game (i.e. physically taxing) so having an eventual escape plan couldn't hurt.

ETA: my buddy with a bad back post-car wreck is a big fan of yoga / pilates, though he still has to pop opiates by the handful, so YMMV...

 

[Pesqueeb]

ETA: my buddy with a bad back post-car wreck is a big fan of yoga / pilates, though he still has to pop opiates by the handful, so YMMV...

I'm absolutely terrified of the opiates. I get how people get addicted. My experiences with them have been, what I'd describe as way too positive.

 

[StiHacka]

I suppose I'm over reacting. It seems most likely. Doc is liable to prescribe or suggest something really simple and dumb. I'm probably freaking out over nothing.

But this is where I'm at. Something has to give. It feels like defeat.

I am the master of overreaction and my gut feeling is telling me you will find your way through this, @Pesqueeb. The loss of a realistic frame of reference is a terrifying experience when the world crashes down on you.

Don't blame yourself - we live in shitty brutal times. Fortune cookies have become my best friend.

 

[AngryMetalsmith]

Yeah, I second the trip to the dispensary. At least try it before committing years of your life to opioid dependency. Sometimes I think about getting a tattoo that says, "No Opioids" somewhere on my body where Emergency Room personnel could easily find it. I know myself well enough to know that just one dose, and I'll be dead within 6 months.

 

[AngryMetalsmith]

@Pesqueeb by any chance do you eat a lot of sugar ?

Recently discovered that the back pain that kept waking me up at night was caused by consumption of excess sugar. Been borderline diabetic for a while and had to cut way back on the sweets. Back stopped waking me up.

 

[Toshi]

Reaching out for help is tough. We got your back, Shane, for what little that's worth in this particular situation.

 

[StiHacka]

@Pesqueeb by any chance do you eat a lot of sugar ?

Recently discovered that the back pain that kept waking me up at night was caused by consumption of excess sugar. Been borderline diabetic for a while and had to cut way back on the sweets. Back stopped waking me up.

Funny you mention that. My brain desperately craves sugar. I need some every day to deal with my constant headaches.

 

[canadmos]

I don't really have anything to add, but just want to say you're not alone.

 

[Jm_]

I'm absolutely terrified of the opiates. I get how people get addicted. My experiences with them have been, what I'd describe as way too positive.

I can relate to not sleeping when I had the neuropathic pain. Holy fuck that was horrible and after two weeks I was going crazy, like staring to understand how desperate people do desperate things. Not that they do them...how they fucking come to that point.

Opiates let me at least get some sleep, not great sleep mind you, just enough solid segments that I could function like a human again. The problem was that was “what gets you addicted” according to the docs. I got on an anti-seizure drug that helped after a little while, or the pain just went away on its own a few weeks later. Not sure, but post surgery when I started getting mobile my nerves started short-circuiting and it would feel like someone was electrocuting my foot...all night long

Im getting to where I’m going to need something in a few years. Probably not as radically, but a lot of my joints are getting fucked and they aren’t getting better.

I’d think that THC may be perfect for your situation though, not sure about the implications, it’s fucked up that if you want to help yourself you have to give up your life, that may mean pursuing legal action to sue, like if you are able to treat a condition without it affecting your job, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t be able to keep that job, whatever regulation needs to be stuck down.

 

[eric strt6]

For what its worth. the only time where I was pain free despite all the beating I did on my body was when I had a deep round redwood hot tub (6 ft diameter 4 ft deep) that I could sit in up to my ears and soak for an hour or so at 102*. I used it every night for close to 15 years.

 

[stoney]

Sorry dude. Have you talked to another doctor no yet?

 

[jdcamb]

Tantric Sex, regular exercise, cutting out sugar, and a quality TENS Unit have helped me immensely. I am an addict so I have to be careful of most everything.

 

[rideit]

Y’know, this is a little strange. With all of the injuries I have had lately, I have been no stranger to copious amounts of Oxy. But the thing is that I really enjoy them, but I have absolutely no problems being done with them when they run out. It’s like an on/off switch, I don’t crave them.
this is a good thing.

 

[AngryMetalsmith]

Y’know, this is a little strange. With all of the injuries I have had lately, I have been no stranger to copious amounts of Oxy. But the thing is that I really enjoy them, but I have absolutely no problems being done with them when they run out. It’s like an on/off switch, I don’t crave them.
this is a good thing.

Don't count on that. Prolonged usage can alter brain chemistry, eventually making it more difficult to quit the next time.

 

[kidwoo]

Yo

Shoot me your phone number.

For realz

 

[mykel]

I really don't know what to say.
This hits so close to home it is scary, very mirror like.
The opiates scare the hell out of me as well.
Migraines since 12 with opiates prescribed at the time and continuing to this day. I have been super cautious and have not developed much tolerance.
Now after my car accidents, I'm in the same boat. Chronic pain that OTC does not do anything for. Now my kidney numbers are just getting close to borderline, so even advil is now a no-no.

Have been considering trying botox for the chronic headache, but some of the stories...and after some other things like nerve blocks not working and giving unpleasant side-effects, I'm not too keen to add more crap on-top.

Spare room is still open.

 

[buckoW]

You’re not alone. I have had daily back pain for the last 23 years after a snowboarding accident when I was in college. I’m also 42. I hear you on the will power/stubbornness thing. I go in and out of pretending that it helps me be a better person with a bit of challenge.....

Muscle relaxers can get my back to a better place slightly better than pain killers. I try to avoid both as much as possible but sometimes I can’t wait for 2 weeks for it to unblock itself. I don’t pretend to have advice for you but more to let you know I too have a big challenge everyday. I have to be an entrepreneur and not work full time for any one company simply because sometimes a can’t walk and I need a week or two to recover.

Stoicism writings by Epictetus and Seneca help me perceive my situation in another light. Maybe that stuff could resonate with you too, I dunno but I think you got this! Oh and the no sugar thing is also a good tip (weed and alcohol too).

This massage gun helps me when everything it locked out and pushing on nerves. It was expensive but it definitely improved my quality of life while living mith my moldy back. I sometimes have to use it between runs or else I have to go home.

 

[CBJ]

Also remember in general a lot of little things can lead is sometimes the answer when you have to fix something not just taking one pill for example like we see in this thread there are many good suggestions and I am sure there is a path for you too for a better life.

 

[johnbryanpeters]

With you, 'squeeb, hang in there. I could talk about old man pains but I won't.

 

[I Are Baboon]

Us monkeys love you, 'Squeeb. Although I know that probably just adds to your pain.

 

[Full Trucker]

1. It's not defeat.
2. You're not over-reacting, you have legitimate concerns. Pain is real, opiates are scary as fuck, sanity is precious.
3. You're smart, caring, have a good support system in your family and friends, and maybe most importantly you're self-aware of what's going on with you... and if none of that shit is actually true you do have us to slap you around for whatever that's worth.
4. It's not defeat. Full. Fucking. Stop.
5. As scary as opiates are, they can be used to effectively manage pain and with proper care a person can utilize them for the intended purpose. Like you, I'd prefer to not have to go down that road—but if that's your only option to have a better quality of life...
6. Try not to be afraid of making another massive life change to preserve your sanity and get to a better place. Specifically, if you have to find a new career path that would allow you to pursue non-narcotic pain management, please consider it. Personally, I think it's absolutely FUCKED that an employer would "allow" a person to use medications that are known to have addictive risk and serious potential consequences e.g. Teh Death vs. more natural substances that are probably more effective anyways. Get it together, fuckwits.
7. So glad to see you reaching out, and doing something about it. Talking about shit is the toughest part. Getting it out in the open, saying words. There's too much stigma around a lot of this so please continue to speak out and "be brave" as it were. I would think that the pain and the mental depression go hand in hand, feeding each other. I know a guy up here in Denver that lost a brother to an overdose of depression meds and flu/cold meds, and started a non-profit foundation dedicated to Shredding the Stigma around mental health. Check out Go4Graham if you want. It might be a good resource, or at least a pool of folks with somewhat similar experiences.
8. Did I mention that it's not defeat?

But you know, these are just... like, my opinions, man.

 

[jimmydean]

I'm absolutely terrified of the opiates. I get how people get addicted. My experiences with them have been, what I'd describe as way too positive.

I'm with you there. For me it backs me up and eventually that pain overrides the other.

Sorry to hear about this, but know the collective monkey is pulling for your broke ass.

 

[Montana rider]

Now that we've all expressed the appropriate amount of concern, support and good vibes, it's time to address the REAL elephant in the room....

#WhatAboutTheRideEgg?
#AskingForAFriend



When my mental health is flagging I drown myself in an aural cocaphany of tunes...

My prescription: a trio of thematically appropriate 90s jingly indie power pop songs from Small Factory:

"I'm not giving up"

"Junky on a good day"

"If you hurt me... (If you break my heart, I'll smash up your fucking car)

 

[DirtyMike]

Daily pain sucks.

Probably the single most thing to alter your mental health.

You are doing the right thing by making the appointment. In the end I suspect you will kick youraelf for not doing it sooner.

 

[SkaredShtles]

<snip> In the end I suspect you will kick youraelf for not doing it sooner.

But make sure NOT to kick yourself, because that hurts too.

 

[jonKranked]

have you considered trying it now?

 

[Pesqueeb]

@Pesqueeb by any chance do you eat a lot of sugar ?

Recently discovered that the back pain that kept waking me up at night was caused by consumption of excess sugar. Been borderline diabetic for a while and had to cut way back on the sweets. Back stopped waking me up.

I don't think so? I mean, we eat pretty healthy, nothing "processed", almost exclusively cook/eat at home with "real" things. The only raw sugar I use an anything is a spoon of hippie sugar in my espresso. I'm actually not much of a fan of sweets. Salts and fats though....... But I'll look into it and try to pay attention to how much sugar is in my/our diet.

like staring to understand how desperate people do desperate things. Not that they do them...how they fucking come to that point.

Is there peace beneath the roar of the Forth Road Bridge?

Sadly, I too get how people find it to be an option. Just 2 weeks ago a family acquaintance lost their 30 year old daughter to suicide. It was definitely a shock. She was bright, warm, funny, and seemingly happy. Her funeral was HUGE, sooooo many people came. Reinforced in a big way for me the notion that "suicide doesn't end the pain, it spreads it." I hope you found peace Missy.

Tantric Sex,

Appreciate the offer, but you're not my type.

Now that we've all expressed the appropriate amount of concern, support and good vibes, it's time to address the REAL elephant in the room....

#WhatAboutTheRideEgg?
#AskingForAFriend

"1-2 weeks"

 

[Pesqueeb]

Just got back from the Doc. A mixture of low grade anti-depressants/sleep aids and muscle relaxers to start. We had a long talk about how I'm most definitely a candidate to never have anything habit forming prescribed to me and how I've not yet ever hade a positive experience with anti-depressants. I go back in 2 months to see how what he's given me is working out and where we go from there.

Thanks everyone for your feedback and support. It was really tough for me to admit that I needed to take this step. I really do appreciate it.

Edit: As for the suggestions about weed/teh devils lettuce. I can only say "I wish". Until such time as I'm no longer employed in an industry overseen by a half dozen 3 letter federal agencies, a more "natural" option is not one. I suppose when the mortgage is paid off this becomes more of a possibility, but probably not before then. As @Full Trucker points out, this is fucking ridiculous, but that's probably a discussion for PaWN.

 

[jstuhlman]

glad you're exploring options, squeeb, and that you seem to have a dr. willing to work with you to find the right balance. i have occasional pain, but nothing that constantly keeps me from sleeping. i can't imagine how that would wear one down over an extended period of time.

i hope that you find the right course of action that works for you. sounds like you've got a good support system at home, along with the motley assortment of monkeys here. hang in there!

 

[Westy]

Having psoriatic arthritis I have woken up every morning for the past 18 years or so with something hurting. Back, hips, feet, hands neck, jaw are the popular ones. It isn't so bad that I can't usually ignore it. sometimes my hands get bad enough that I have to dunk them into a bucket of icewater. I understand that is a common test for pain tolerance, and I can say with confidence I can keep my hands in ice water indefinitely.

I will say my back is the one place where it gets to me, it affects everything, moving resting whatever. It is rare but once the back starts acting up I start to up my dose of medication, which isn't pain killers but basically poison that kills my immune system and why I try to get away with as little as possible and am willing to deal with a baseline of pain in most of my body.

 

[Katz]

...Just 2 weeks ago a family acquaintance lost their 30 year old daughter to suicide. It was definitely a shock. She was bright, warm, funny, and seemingly happy. Her funeral was HUGE, sooooo many people came. Reinforced in a big way for me the notion that "suicide doesn't end the pain, it spreads it." I hope you found peace Missy.

I'm little late as usual.... I've had chronic back pain for over a decade but nothing serious like yours and others, I can't say that I can relate. I hope the new meds/treatments work out well.

Now about the part I quoted... I lost a coworker to suicide about 7 years ago. Like your acquaintance lady, he seemed to be pretty happy and content with where he was in his life, then all of a sudden, he killed himself.

Lots of people keep their problems to themselves and end up getting overwhelmed. I may seem like a noble thing not to discuss your problem but sometimes, you just have to reach out for a help. And I'm glad you're doing it here, even if it's not face to face.

Like others said, I'm sure you'll find your way somehow. I mean, what other choices do you have? Life goes on, and you got family to take care of, and as you say, ending it all just spreads the pain. Not really the same thing but I've been flat-broke once and came close again earlier this year. Each time, it seemed daunting and felt like the end... I just kept doing what I could do, and with some help from my friends, I've come out the jam each time.

Best of luck, and please keep us posted. We're here for you.

 

[Da Peach]

Self awareness is a huge win, so at least you have that going for you. My mom has been suffering similarly to you for quite some time. But “everything is fine”.

Some aren’t so lucky.

So, I guess, it could be worse.

And, of course, try it now.

 

[4xBoy]

Best of luck, I don't know what to say that is of any help.

I have been lucky, only time I was on opiates I was in the hospital for an accident every one of them makes me sick so I have no interest in taking them.

 

[boostindoubles]

I am no stranger to terrible injury, long recovery, and continuing aches and pains. Accepting imminent death definitely put a different perspective on my life and my aches remind me to be thankful I haven't been more seriously injured or killed. Visiting a doctor isn't giving up - its seeking opinions. Accepting the current reality and finding joy in it always comes easier for me when I have explored my options for change. It's good to know what the goal posts are before starting the game.

Opiates are for 3 days post surgery and after that it's just grumpy old man.

 

[cecil]

The physical pain can really get you down and feeling like there is no end in sight can make everything else seem overwhelming. I know it's easier said than done but embrace the good things in your life like your daughters smile, your wife holding your hand as you go for a walk. start with the most basic things and build from there. Avoid toxic people if your coworkers are negative don't let them suck you into their misery. Think of it like going on an mental diet. If you want to lose weight you eat smaller portions or completely stop eating certain things. Do the same for your brain I know this probably sounds stupid but what do you have to lose by removing anything negative from your life.

I'm sure if anyone was told they would not wake up tomorrow they would go to bed wishing for one more day

Stay strong I hope you see there are a lot of shoulders to lean on here
Edit: after your daughter goes to bed light a candle put on love song and slow dance with your wife in the living room

 

[Brian HCM#1]

Just got back from the Doc. A mixture of low grade anti-depressants/sleep aids and muscle relaxers to start. We had a long talk about how I'm most definitely a candidate to never have anything habit forming prescribed to me and how I've not yet ever hade a positive experience with anti-depressants. I go back in 2 months to see how what he's given me is working out and where we go from there.

Thanks everyone for your feedback and support. It was really tough for me to admit that I needed to take this step. I really do appreciate it.

Edit: As for the suggestions about weed/teh devils lettuce. I can only say "I wish". Until such time as I'm no longer employed in an industry overseen by a half dozen 3 letter federal agencies, a more "natural" option is not one. I suppose when the mortgage is paid off this becomes more of a possibility, but probably not before then. As @Full Trucker points out, this is fucking ridiculous, but that's probably a discussion for PaWN.

I know we don't see eye to eye, but hang in there. Anti depressants need to be takin as prescribed. The biggest issue with those is you can't go on & off them otherwise they will not work effectively, so you need to fully commit to them and it could take a while for you to start seeing positive results. These shitty times makes things even worse, but I think following the Dr. advice and being able to talk openly about it, should help immensely. Stay strong!!!!!!

 

[ALEXIS_DH]

 

[binary visions]

Did I mention that it's not defeat?

This is super fucking important to remember.

"I am unable to power through this using my current coping methods" is not giving up. The opposite, in fact: continuing to suffer in silence with no hope of reprieve is giving up.

Going and getting help is the fight, not the defeat. Signing up to start a process of trial-and-error until you find something that works is beginning the battle, not giving up.

 

[stevew]

well fuck.

really.