[mantispf2000]

I received a text from wife/Alaina's mommy. While we were visiting Alaina yesterday, I mentioned how, now that she's 18, I wouldn't be visiting daily like I have been, as Alaina would be off to college, or traveling, or ??? Text says that, since she is 18, maybe it's time I move on and try/do other things instead of dwelling on the past and continuing to ride in events like I have been. Not stop riding all together, just maybe do events clearly for fun (which I have been since the beginning). Also to slow down on the sponsoring requests, as I'm more of a billboard for companies instead of giving them podium spots.

Hit me a bit oddly, and if you'll recall, I did that Kirkwood 9-to-5 a bit ago, and asked about removing Alaina's child seat from my bike. Many of you supported the decision, saying she would be growing up, and not in the seat any more. Made clear sense then.

Should I stop and move on? Just enjoy riding for what it is and use it for sightseeing and exercise? Participate less in events? I don't feel my wife is being heartless, though cycling has been a part of my life for almost 30 years.

Thoughts from the RM Collective? Be honest, yet be considerate (I know, like that's possible). My wife is still, and will be, one of 6 special ladies in my life (her, Mom, Grandma, and all 3 daughters).......

Thanks, gang.

 

[canadmos]

You don't or shouldn't have to stop, just make sure that you enjoy what you do. She'll be with you wherever you go in life.

 

[JohnE]

What Canadmos said...do what you want to do. Honor Alaina in everything that you do...but do what makes you happy. I dont think she would want it any other way.

 

[binary visions]

Yep. If you like riding in events, cool. Do it.

If you don't, cool. Don't.

You'll honor Alaina with everything you do. You'll think of her when you go to the grocery store. Fill your life with things that make you happy, and she'll be there.

 

[jonKranked]

i normally don't post in your threads like these, typically because i don't know exactly how to pull my thoughts together in a fully coherent manner. and partially because i have never been in your position, and can't imagine what it is like to have lived through that.

i would agree that it's time to let go of certain things. Letting go isn't forgetting. Letting go isn't dishonoring the memory of someone you loved dearly and were devastated to lose. Everyone grieves differently. I've read your threads over the years, and to a certain degree it seems like you are still carrying your grief around your neck like an albatross. While I don't question your desire and intentions to honor your late daughter's memory, sometimes it seems as if you unnecessarily burden yourself with tasks primarily aimed at honoring her. While I'm not saying you shouldn't do that, or that its somehow wrong, but you need to ensure that the activities / tasks you do in her honor don't interfere with you living your own life. Sometimes the best way to honor someone dear to you that's no longer with you is by living your life to the fullest, by loving the family you still have. Love them with the intensity you love her. You will never forget her. While the thought of the memories you never got to create with her will surely hurt, it's important to cherish the memories you were able to create, and the times and love you were able to share. You don't stop loving someone just because they're gone.

 

[dump]

pretty sure that's a jonKranked imposter.

 

[jonKranked]

pretty sure that's a jonKranked imposter.

nah dude, that's real deal. i normally keep that kind of stuff to myself. i do have an e-reputation to uphold after all.

 

[Nick]

Fill your life with things that make you happy, and she'll be there.

I have to believe this is what she would want for you.

Sometimes the best way to honor someone dear to you that's no longer with you is by living your life to the fullest, by loving the family you still have.

IMO "moving on" in no way minimizes the importance, or impact, of her in and on your life.

I'd never tell anyone how to grieve. Whatever you need to do is what it is.
The fact that you're thinking and asking about this might be a sign that you want to 'move on' in some way. I think I can speak for everyone here when I say that WE would like you to be happy.

 

[kazlx]

i normally don't post in your threads like these, typically because i don't know exactly how to pull my thoughts together in a fully coherent manner. and partially because i have never been in your position, and can't imagine what it is like to have lived through that.

i would agree that it's time to let go of certain things. Letting go isn't forgetting. Letting go isn't dishonoring the memory of someone you loved dearly and were devastated to lose. Everyone grieves differently. I've read your threads over the years, and to a certain degree it seems like you are still carrying your grief around your neck like an albatross. While I don't question your desire and intentions to honor your late daughter's memory, sometimes it seems as if you unnecessarily burden yourself with tasks primarily aimed at honoring her. While I'm not saying you shouldn't do that, or that its somehow wrong, but you need to ensure that the activities / tasks you do in her honor don't interfere with you living your own life. Sometimes the best way to honor someone dear to you that's no longer with you is by living your life to the fullest, by loving the family you still have. Love them with the intensity you love her. You will never forget her. While the thought of the memories you never got to create with her will surely hurt, it's important to cherish the memories you were able to create, and the times and love you were able to share. You don't stop loving someone just because they're gone.

Well said. I have to say, I've been on here a while, but not long enough that I don't even know what the situation is, other than you lost your daughter...just from reading on here. We have a close friend that lost one of her children and it's absolutely heartbreaking to see that. There's no amount of consolation that makes it ok. With my two boys, I absolutely couldn't imagine anything happening to them. There's no real way to describe going from only having to worry about yourself and then a spouse or SO, to a child. I consider myself a pretty relaxed parent, but I have still had those times that have scared me in certain situations. You just can't bear to see your kids get hurt, not to mention something worse.

This is not meant to have ill-intent, just honest feedback. Every thread I've read of yours is about your daughter, as if you carry 100% of the weight at all times, like JK said. No doubt it's a heavy load, but you can't let things that are out of your control dictate your future. And that's not meant to say that you shouldn't forget, but same as JK said, turn that love towards your family and be the best man that you can be. I'm sure you will never truly move on, but you can't constantly torture yourself. I can't imagine any family members that would want that.

 

[dan-o]

To be honest, I've thought you should 'move on' for some time.
That's not meant to diminish your memories or loss, as a parent what you have endured is unfathomable to me.

However, having lost many people in my life, I've found/maintained happiness looking forward rather in the rear view mirror.

Live in the moment and do what makes you smile. As you know all too well, life is fleeting.

 

[stevew]

99.9 percent of the time your posts about alaina are hard to read....

 

[mantispf2000]

To everyone that has read and/or posted, you do not know how much your words mean.

When I first read JK's, I was at work, on break, and had to pull it together so as not to be teary eyed while dealing. And I thought...........

Those that have said I carry the burden/guilt to this day, you are absolutely correct. I was the last to hold/comfort/talk to Alaina that morning, before putting her to bed with us, and I have held on to that feeling to this day. After all, I was brought up to believe the man provides/protects, and when she needed me most, I let her down. Mind you, too, being a part of Compassionate Friends, and going to meetings/chat room, they have tried to get me to change my thoughts. All this time, in trying to keep it simple, I have pointed the finger at me. So yes, I do carry the burden, and always will.

Yes, over all this time, I have learned to deal with the pain. I do feel happiness, and where I experienced a trigger that brought emotion, I have dealt with it more briefly than before. They are not as many as before, yet her angel-day and birthday are key, hence the reason for this post. I keep my eyes/ears/heart/mind open more, as I do not know when Alaina will send me a sign, and as you can imagine, I don't want to miss them.

This being said, I feel I'm realizing that this greatest of loss has NOT defeated me. I am still here, some days are a fight, some are complete joy, and I'm still able to do most of what I enjoy (lottery will help with the rest, haha). I can hold my head up, I can jabber-jaw with RM, and when needed, I can help another parent if needed.

Now, is anyone going to be in Mammoth on Wednesday, Sept. 7? I'll be picking up my rental purchases, but I'm going to ride and smile.................