[mantispf2000]

Hey All--

Ok, you've helped me in the past in one way, shape, or form. Here's the situation--

My 18-year-old stepson decided to first drop out of high school last December. He wasn't attending class, and felt it was a waste of his time. Heck, I even signed the papers to do it, since his mom was a bit apprehensive. He also had a situation with his car, which would've cost him about $900 for repairs, which he didn't have. Behind his mom's back, I paid for the repairs, and gave son 3 choices-- sell car/repay for repairs, work at home to pay repairs off, or pack up and move out. He chose to do the work, which was never attempted. One night I told him to get out of the house, he challenged me, and we fought, with me having to spend 12 hours in jail. He was told by his mom to be out of the house by March 1, wasn't, then told to be out by yesterday, still wasn't (he spent the day off work and farting around doing ???), so I started bagging up his clothes today and will be taking his stuff to storage, give him the key, and tell him, "Best of luck to you". Oh, he also told his mom that if she wanted him out, she would have to set him up in an apartment.

So my question is (and please, if you've been in this situation, your input will be very helpful. If not, I'll still appreciate your input)-- Have I gone too far by starting to remove his stuff, or is it just his mom's responsibility, or are we f****d? I've tried to be patient, both with his mom and with him, and the impression I get is, even though he doesn't say it, he's basically saying f-you to both of us. Oh, and to top it off, though his mom says he doesn't have a place to stay, then why is he never home, chosing to stay the nights at his gf's/bud's/??? house?

I'm sure this is going to get the gammut of responses, and again, I'm going to be open-minded about it. So fire away with your comments/concerns/suggestions, and again, thank you.

Shawn

p.s. I know I haven't been great for some time, and still need lots of work on my part.

 

[chicodude]

Yea, kick his punk ass out. you sound like you have given him enough time. You should of locked up all his stuff and kept the key

 

[chicodude]

Dude, send the kid to therapy, he needs your help. Totally Oprahmatize him. Please disregard my previous comment.

 

[chicodude]

Wait, disregard that last comment again.


Sign him up for the army

 

[blt2ride]

It sounds like you’re in a pretty tough position. You’ve done a lot for your step-son, but he doesn’t appreciate your help, and seems like he isn’t very motivated to do much with his life. Dropping out of high school is about the worst thing an 18-year-old kid can do. I’m sure you were at the end of your rope when you signed the paperwork allowing him to drop-out of school. However, I don’t know if that really helped the situation; at his age school should be his #1 priority.

On the other hand, if he just won’t go to school and won’t follow your rules, what are you going to do? You can only do so much—the rest is up to him. It sounds like you’ve tried to help him out as much as possible, but he just doesn’t seem to care. Perhaps, one last heart to heart with his parents may make a difference. Let him know that he needs to straighten-up, get back in school, and follow your rules. In addition, I would seriously consider giving him a drug test, it sounds like he is living on the wild side a bit. If he won’t listen to reason, then you have no other choice, you need to push him out into the real world. Eventually, he will realize that he’s making mistakes in life. Unfortunately, he’s going to have to learn these lessons the hard way. It won’t take too long for him to figure out that there aren’t a lot of opportunities for a high school drop-out.

Lastly, let him know that if he ever wants to straighten his life up, he’s always welcome to move back home, but not until he is committed to making a change in his life.

To be honest, I don't have kids, but I think this is what I would do...

 

[Skookum]

Seems like alot of anger and codependancy. You set him up and he fell thru on his end and you got mad. Not saying the kid was innocent or doesn't deserve the boot, but your emotions are leading you to go about making more problems along the way.

If you're really trying to get him to be responsible and act like an adult then you gotta act like one too. Not get in a scrap with him or get mad and pack up his stuff on the doorstep. Make the decisions and be assertive, but don't act out of control and dumb.

Give the kid a reasonable deadline, give a total serious family talk about it, and when the time comes enforce it. You need to be on the same page with your spouse. If not then it's time for you to kick yourself out of the house.

 

[geargrrl]

toughlove.org (? that's a guess) shoud be a real good resource. Some kids will take you for everything you've got, as long as you keep giving.

He's 18? That's a legal adult. He can live by house rules, or go learn how to act like an adult somewhere else. FWIW, my boys are 16 & 19. They know we don't put up with a lot of crap, and we generally hold to whatever threat we make.

To answer your specific question, if you and the mom are in agreement, no, you haven't gone too far. If he didn't follow through, dam straight put his stuff out and change the locks. And don't give in when he starts whining. And if mom isn't 100% on the same page, you guys have much bigger issues than just a punk kid. Have a backbone... my guess is that this kid has been doing variations of this theme for most of his teen years, right?

gg

 

[LordOpie]

The kid needs therapy. Please get him help. You can't fix the problem yourself, I know that's frustrating, but really, get him some help.

 

[mantispf2000]

So far, you all are helping me get a clearer picture of this matter. Chico, I'd love to put him in the military, however, since my youngest bro just got back from 2 years in Iraq, I'd rather not. BLT, agreed, school needed to be #1, yet he had been in a down-ward spiral for the past 2 years, and was close-minded to reason, even when offered to be "taken care of" as long as he had passing grades. A drug test has been considered several times, even after catching him with pot twice. Yes, that should've been done then and there. Also, on the night we fought, he was cited for minor consuming, as the officer smelled alcohol on his breath. (for the record, yes, I do drink, however, it's 1-2 beers, and mainly at home where driving isn't involved) Skookum, I completely agree, I was the fool that night. Deadline? No offense, yet how many does he need? He's been told, and ignores it. And I agree about being on the same page, as I've told wifey that there have been times I feel she and I agree, then she changes the decision when I'm not around. I am pretty close to wanting to leave, however, we are talking about my daughter's mom. GG (hey, that's what we call my grandma-- haha), I feel you're right-- keep giving, and they'll keep taking without returning the giving. And you are right-- different variations depending on the "situation of the day", and not being held accountable. Lord, therapy would be great, however, if he wouldn't go to school, what's the guarantee he'd go to therapy? Maybe if he was told it's therapy or the highway? Again, it feels like he's been given chances, and gives us the bird instead.

Now, here's what I found out after talking with Douglas County Sheriff's Dept.-- I was asked 2 questions-- #1-- Does he have a legal claim to the house (is he on the title or mortgage)? Answer- no. #2-- Does he pay rent? Again, no. Result-- Since I am on the title/mortgage, and he is 18/drop-out, I can have an officer come and do a "civil stand-by", which would give him about 15-20 minutes to get the essentials and get out. OR, if it'll take longer (take furniture/??), I can arrange with the sheriff's office and pay for an officer to stay for an hour or so, and he can get all his stuff out. Yes, I could still bag his stuff myself and remove it, however, that may cause more problems, as he could claim I took something I shouldn't have for his work or ???.

That being said, it appears that first, wife and I need to have another heart-to-heart, agree on his leaving date (again), and if needed, have the civil stand-by. Unless, of course, he comes to and has a major turn-around. We'll see........

 

[geargrrl]

GG (hey, that's what we call my grandma-- haha), I feel you're right-- keep giving, and they'll keep taking without returning the giving. And you are right-- different variations depending on the "situation of the day", and not being held accountable. Lord, therapy would be great, however, if he wouldn't go to school, what's the guarantee he'd go to therapy? Maybe if he was told it's therapy or the highway? Again, it feels like he's been given chances, and gives us the bird instead.
.

gg=geargrrl

as for therapy or rehab, they have to WANT to change or its money straight down the toilet. Our job as parents ( or step parents as the case may be) is to teach them how to be accountable for their own stuff, and to responsible for the choices they make. Typically, nobody wants to change until the current path they are choosing becomes too painful and anything to make it better seems like a good choice. Sounds like he's not there yet.

ps, change the locks after he leaves.

 

[noname]

My family went through an eerily similar situation concerning my little brother. My father was an incredibly generous and giving man, my brother was lazy, irrational, hostile and selfish (youth and drugs will do that).We tried everything from therapy, family interventions with my mother, father, stepmother , sister and myself; to drug testing and private schools. We tried getting him involved with a multitude of programs and activities as well as some police intervention. Nothing worked. Ultimately, after dropping out of school 3 times, quitting on me 3 times and moving out of first my fathers and then my mothers homes, there was nothing we felt we could do but let him hit rock bottom and hope he didn't kill himself. It was hard on the whole family, but it finally worked, he's cleaned up, holds a steady job and has a young son. One of the biggest things that finalized the turn around was getting him out of the city away from the kids who got him started.
It's tough, but you are going to have to cut him off completely. He'll resent it for a few years, but he'll come around eventually.

 

[Spunger]

Well my brother isn't this bad but he's a freshmen in high school and is already going down the flunky path, plus his attitude sucks and that such.......

But in your case you're doing the right thing. You can only give someone so many second chances before you realize it's not going to work. When he dropped out of school and was 18 that should have really been it. But to allow things to go on was the bad thing to do. I know it doesn't help you when his mom goes behind your back and changes whatever rule you've set. That is an issue between you and her. Yeah it's her son but it's your guys $$$ and time/effort keeping him around. When he is out of the house and living where-ever he'll have to see what the real world is all about and not the sheltered world that he was living in under your roof. It'd drive me so nuts to have someone undermine my rules and thoughts especially with a dead-beat kid.

I wouldn't give him anything with the attitude he's shown towards yourself and your wife. Just boot him out. The sooner the better. That way your family can continue on instead of sitting in limbo land while he decides he wants to piss another day away at home, doing nothing but probably talking back, being lazy, and worst off not going to school.

As above definately change the locks and anything else you think he could get into. If he's hooked on dope or whatever he'll find anyting and everything to take. By you packing his stuff he can't take what's not his. I'd change my PIN #'s to my credit cards/bank cards as well. You never know how someone could get their hands on them but someone could.

 

[mack]

My Dad kicked, or rather chased me out of my house last night.(not because i was being bad but rather he forgot to take one of his anti anxiety pills and blew up when i refused to do the dishes while my girlfriend was over.)

Even though I am a kid, i would have to believe that if i droped out of high school my dad would not only kick my ass but call the cops if i tried to come back for *my* stuff.
Not finishing high school is a really bad choice, i have seen all the kids at my town who droped out still working at stop and shop or CVS, and i dont see them going very far.

 

[johnbryanpeters]

mantispf2000,

you've given the kid his chance. It's time for him to face the real world. You do have to square it with your spouse first, though, and the two of you need to maintain a common stance.

Good luck!

 

[ummbikes]

I can only echo several others. Get on the same page as your wife, what ever you two think is best needs to be picked , and you both need to enforce it. I wouldn't make him homeless, but you have lost liberty for a nite because of this situation so you and your wife may choose to do just that. Tough choices to be made for sure.

 

[jimmydean]

It was his call to drop out and it sounds like he did so without a good plan. I dropped out at 17, but I was working and went to the Navy when I turned 18.

My stepson who will be 20 in May wanted to drop out his seior year because he wasn't going to pass. I made him stay in and coached him through it and he got his grades up. He is very happy he did because the job market is tough enough as is.

I think for now you should focus on your wife first and get together on a plan since he doesn't have one. Let him live there, but he has to follow the plan exact, with noe issues. He should finish school if he hasn't either GED or straight school, then focus on employment and support of his own needs.

Sell the car and start fresh. Stay firm on the plan with your wife and you will do well. Seeing someone as a groump might be a good idea as well.

 

[drt_jumper]

I used to be just like your son...(only diff. is I never did drugs) I was locked up in Juvenile Detention Centers and Group Homes on and off from 14 to 18, I was just an out of control kid...the best thing my parents did was when I left the Group home at 18 instead of holding my hand and letting me move back in they offered to put in a hotel for two weeks..(long enough to get a job) At first I got all pissed and decided I would do it my way....that lasted about 2 months of being homeless and walking around all day and sleeping behind mini-malls...it sucked, however two things happened. #1 I realized I couldnt do it my way. #2 If I wanted to anything resembling a life I would have to straighten up. I eventually got my GED and became somewhat productive. I am still struggling through life at age 27....it is almost impossible to have a decent job and live somewhat comfortably without having a college degree of some sort. Please Please feel free to PM me and we can talk more, I would even be willing to talk to him about what I went through....he may not listen or he may...who knows? So basically, Make sure you and his mom are on the same page, that way neither one of you undermine the other, he sounds like a smart kid and he will exploit that...I know I did. Secondly if you decide to finally kick him out, make him pack his own stuff...then if he refuses you call the police...dont threaten to call just tell him when he doesnt that you are calling and call right away, dont hesitate. Once he is out of the house....DO NOT LET HIM BACK IN!!! You can help him out by setting him up temporarily in a hotel/motel for a week or so and hope for the best...dont completely cut him off...It is the worst thing you can do, I know from experience...my father did that to me for a while and when I was willing and ready for change he wouldnt talk to me.....make sure that when he hits the bottom or is ready to change that you will be there for him....you may wonder if he is going to be serious and how you will tell if he is.....trust me you will be able to hear it in his voice...I hope hearing this from the other side of the coin helps a little. Sincerely,
Adam

 

[SkaredShtles]

My Dad kicked, or rather chased me out of my house last night.(not because i was being bad but rather he forgot to take one of his anti anxiety pills and blew up when i refused to do the dishes while my girlfriend was over.)

Dude. Do the friggin' dishes, you ingrate.

 

[DaveW]

So my question is (and please, if you've been in this situation, your input will be very helpful. If not, I'll still appreciate your input)-- Have I gone too far by starting to remove his stuff, or is it just his mom's responsibility, or are we f****d? I've tried to be patient, both with his mom and with him, and the impression I get is, even though he doesn't say it, he's basically saying f-you to both of us. Oh, and to top it off, though his mom says he doesn't have a place to stay, then why is he never home, chosing to stay the nights at his gf's/bud's/??? house?

I'm sure this is going to get the gammut of responses, and again, I'm going to be open-minded about it. So fire away with your comments/concerns/suggestions, and again, thank you.

Shawn

p.s. I know I haven't been great for some time, and still need lots of work on my part.

Nope pack his gear up and ship him out... 18 is old enough that he needs to stand on his own feet and learn that HE is ultimately the one that is responsible for his problems. He HAS to learn sometime that the free ride is not forever, it's only to give him just enough time to find/make his own life. And a backstop in case he really does make a silly mistake while learning those life skills.

Good luck

ps ...Change your locks.

 

[mantispf2000]

More excellent advice, gang. Again, thank you for taking the time to post. As it is now, I'm home from work, it's 3:20 a.m., son's not here, and my only guess is that he's at gf's house (gee, what a great mom to let bf/son sleep over, eh? what kind of morals are those?). OH, geargrrl, I know "gg" is for you, just thought I'd give a "personal" approach. IF son had tried to get his GED (he said he tried, but the testing times were "inconvenient"), I would've bent over backwards to get him through. I agree that wife and I need to be on the same page, otherwise we're battling and he's laughing at us. I'd love to let him live here if he followed our rules, yet he doesn't do that, and it's not like we're asking him to repaint the house every month (sweep the paths, keep his room clean, cut the grass during the summer at most), so my thought is that's out of the quesion. I'd also like to sell the car(the second time I caught him with pot, it was in the car my grandma gave us, so I took the car and donated it to the church), yet since he has a job, I feel he does need it to get to work. I don't feel setting him up in a hotel/motel will work, since he's already staying at someone's house at night, so it would be a waste of our $$$. Heck, with the $$$ he owes for the repairs/cell phone/car insurance, I'd be willing to go so far as to tell him the debt is forgiven, as long as he gets out now. After all, he's taken this long to make any attempt at repaying us, so it's $$$ already spent and almost forgetten.

I do need to talk with wife/mom, and we do need to be on the same page, and better yet, for her to tell him in front of me so there's no question as to what was said/intended, since that may have more power. Then, once he's out, like several of you have suggested, change the locks (again).

Thank you, and safe riding.

Shawn

 

[valve bouncer]

I take it this young blokes real dad is totally off the scene unable or unwilling to help?

 

[boostindoubles]

heres .02 cents on this. This kid is smoking pot, sounds to be pretty often. And it seems his life has been running down hill too. No GED, getting booted from the house..... Probably blaming everyone but himself, and getting high so he doesnt have to think on it. For him to change, it's going to be something huge smacking him upside the head. And I don't think its something you can do. Some people never get that knock back on track. They die in jail or on the street.
As sad and hard that is for you and your wife to worry about, you just have to let him go. He needs to figure this out on his own. The longer you keep enabling him, by taking care of his **** when he needs to get work done, the longer he'll just sit with his legs crossed. Putting him up somewhere when you kick him out the house is laughable. In my family I get my rent paid by my parents as long as i am in college, which is morethan i can say for alot of my friends, who also have good parents. If your kid is fcuking up and getting high everyday why would you pay for a place to do it?

I know its hard to watch the kid put his life down the toilet, but don't let him drag you down with, step away and accept he's making his own decisions now.

ok so my .05 cents

 

[Wumpus]

I'd also like to sell the car(the second time I caught him with pot, it was in the car my grandma gave us, so I took the car and donated it to the church), yet since he has a job, I feel he does need it to get to work.

Sell the car. Recoup some/all your money and get him a bike.

 

[mantispf2000]

No, his dad's not in the picture. He lives about 4-5 hours away in the Bay area, and has not made any attempt to see his kids (there's also 2 daughters involved, though they're better than son). I'd get him a bike in a heart beat, though he works at one of the ski rental shops at Heavenly, which would make bike riding very difficult (though it would whip his butt into riding shape-- haha). And putting him up some place? Again, since I/we've already spent good $$$ for his car/phone/insurance (and he has made attempts to pay us back, though it's still a lloonngg way off), and as mentioned, giving a place to continue smoking/drinking/??? (if he is still doing it- I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and hope that being cited smacked some sense into him) is out of the question.

To give you a bit of an idea what I'm also dealing with with regards to his mom's/wife's thoughts, here's a bit of a note she left for me this morning--

"Son is not returning my calls. He and Mal(gf) are on the outs. He says he has to live in his Honda. I don't think we, him, or the neighbors need the trauma of him being escorted out (remember, earlier I mentioned having an officer over as a civil stand-by to escort son out). Gently is better for long term."

With those comments, it appears wife is more concerned about son than us. I know (forgive me, ladies), there is nothing more deadly than a mom protecting her children. However, we've been gentle, and he's played us for too long.

Maybe, just maybe, it's seriously time for me to think about being the one to leave.

 

[geargrrl]

Son is not returning my calls. He and Mal(gf) are on the outs. He says he has to live in his Honda. I don't think we, him, or the neighbors need the trauma of him being escorted out (remember, earlier I mentioned having an officer over as a civil stand-by to escort son out). Gently is better for long term."

my female take on that is that she's more worried about what the neighbors think than anything else.

Can't you just hear them "oh she is such a terrible mother, the cops had to escort her kid away and now he's living in his car, tsk, tsk, what is the world coming to...?"

A lot of parents/mothers have a hard time letting go. So far, I'm not one of them but sometimes I think I'm in the minority. It's a societal thing too, to frickin coddle kids, and some people equate coddling and being gentle with good parenting. Not in my book.

geargrrl

just my 2 cents as usual.

 

[caputo1989]

My older brother and my dad went through a simular problem. Though he never tried to drop out of school rather join the military because his teachers and even my dad told hom he couldn't graduate HS. Well that really had him turn arround because he cant stand not being right and had to prove everyone wrong. He now has a 4.0 at CSU. But there are still finacncial arguments between the two. Also, my dad is more frugil than you sound (not saying you are). Just let him learn the hard way.

 

[-dustin]

i haven't been in this situation, but my cousin (who did graduate, but also got into drugs) has, and when his parents kicked him out, we took him in for a few years...then ended up kicking him out.

all i can say is, either help the kid with some sort of therapy, or be prepared to have him come crawling back every time he falls...which will be often.

 

[ALEXIS_DH]

No, his dad's not in the picture. He lives about 4-5 hours away in the Bay area, and has not made any attempt to see his kids (there's also 2 daughters involved, though they're better than son). I'd get him a bike in a heart beat, though he works at one of the ski rental shops at Heavenly, which would make bike riding very difficult (though it would whip his butt into riding shape-- haha). And putting him up some place? Again, since I/we've already spent good $$$ for his car/phone/insurance (and he has made attempts to pay us back, though it's still a lloonngg way off), and as mentioned, giving a place to continue smoking/drinking/??? (if he is still doing it- I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and hope that being cited smacked some sense into him) is out of the question.

To give you a bit of an idea what I'm also dealing with with regards to his mom's/wife's thoughts, here's a bit of a note she left for me this morning--

"Son is not returning my calls. He and Mal(gf) are on the outs. He says he has to live in his Honda. I don't think we, him, or the neighbors need the trauma of him being escorted out (remember, earlier I mentioned having an officer over as a civil stand-by to escort son out). Gently is better for long term."

With those comments, it appears wife is more concerned about son than us. I know (forgive me, ladies), there is nothing more deadly than a mom protecting her children. However, we've been gentle, and he's played us for too long.

Maybe, just maybe, it's seriously time for me to think about being the one to leave.

i´d suggest something, more like a liability recommendation.

firstable, i dont know if i would put up that much with a kid who isnt my blood son, so because of that, i admire your willingness to reach a solution.

i´d say, just for the record, take the kid to a doctor, and make sure there is nothing wrong with him on a physical level.

i bummed up and down when i was 19-21, unable to hold a steady job, 3 semesters in school my gpa went down the drain... blowing money like crazy one day, deep suicidal depression the other, and stuff was getting worse and worse with time... then i travelled a bit (i thought i needed to clear my mind) and dropped out of college, my folks thought (in fact they were sure) i was on drugs or some crap like that, i wasnt. i didnt drink, didnt smoke.

i found out i had bipolar disorder. had my folks came up with a solution like yours at that time... then i dont know where i would have end up.
if the kid is fine and everything seems right according to a doctor. then go ahead and give him the boot, like you said on (2) . but just make sure you arent doing that to somebody with some sort of psychiatric problem or anything like that.....

 

[dexter]

id say you are being plenty fair. hes dicking around and not taking **** serious

 

[DirtyMike]

I didnt read through the other posts here, But what i have to add is hopefully quite simple. Your house, your rules!!! Cant get much simpler than that. You gave him his options, he failed to comply. Dont do him the Injustice of Not holding to making him move out. Sounds like he really need to learn a hard lesson, and most likely wont learn it any other way than thr hard way. Stick to your guns and dont back down. Probably very hard thing to do, but its not just a choice your making, he made the choice to call your bluff by not fulfilling his end of the agreement, now he has to learn. Best of luck on the situation!!

 

[mantispf2000]

First off, a HUGE thank you to all that have posted. Like I mentioned in the beginning, let 'er rip with comments/suggestions. Most of what's been said here has been tried/told/attempted. GG, I've used the term "coddle" when it came time for school and wife always taking them, even to high school before they got their cars, yet there is a bus system that does the same job. Take the bus, learn independence, I feel. C89, I, too, feel the same about being proven wrong, and have even challenged both son/mom to prove me wrong. Neither has. Not to say my way is completely right, just show me where your way is better. Inbred, you've also mentioned therapy, and I'm beginning to really wonder if that's the route to go now. At least it might get to the core of the matter. Alexis, I love his mom, so I love them (though that may sound contradictory right now). I knew it would be tough, and yet, there does come a time for accountability on his part. Have him taking a physical to see if there is something wrong, like bi-polar, could be an avenue to find a solution. Dexter, BINGO! Son wants to be a man, then act like one or play little boy some place else (maybe that's too harsh?). DM, I've made the same comment (house/rules) many times. Explained that each child has a small amount of chores to do to help out. Explained very clearly the choices regarding payback of the car repairs. Of course, I was told one thing, then shown another. One of the parts of the repairs was a new set of wheels, so I've been thinking of taking them off, since he hasn't paid for them (yet). We've even told him, if he doesn't like the rules, then get out. Don't play us against each other. Though with mom/wife not being forceful with him, and reversing whatever decision we made together, again, that gives him the "power" to play us like fools.

I'm really leaning towards the civil stand-by, since he has no rights to the house. Yes, it may piss mom/wife off, and that's a bridge I'll have to cross when it happens. It's now like I've told his dad many times-- your words mean nothing to me, since you've burned me too many times in the past. It's your actions that'll make the difference.