The following appeared in the Columbus Dispatch on 11/16/04
written by Joe Blundo, a Dispatch columnist.
Canada's busy sending back Bush-dodgers. The flood of American liberals
sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past
week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal
immigration. The re-election of President Bush is prompting the exodus
among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt,
pray and agree with Bill O'Reilly.
Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of
sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing
their fields at night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and
there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba
farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer
was cold, exhausted and hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte
and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left.
Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher
fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers
that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he
said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so
much they wouldn't give milk."
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals
near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive
them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves. "A lot of
these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border
patrolman said, "I found one carload without a drop of drinking
water...they did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though."
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often
wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors
have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing
re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic
beer and watch NASCAR. In the days since the election, liberals have
turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have
taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian
prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised
in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses
and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers. "If they can't
identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get
suspicious about their age," an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are
creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan
Sarandon movies. "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian
economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many
art-history majors does one country need?"
In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada,
Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged
that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source
close to Cheney said. "We're going to have some Peter, Paul &Mary
concerts. And we might put some endangered species on postage stamps.
The president is determined to reach out."
written by Joe Blundo, a Dispatch columnist.
Canada's busy sending back Bush-dodgers. The flood of American liberals
sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past
week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal
immigration. The re-election of President Bush is prompting the exodus
among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt,
pray and agree with Bill O'Reilly.
Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of
sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing
their fields at night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and
there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba
farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer
was cold, exhausted and hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte
and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left.
Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher
fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers
that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he
said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so
much they wouldn't give milk."
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals
near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive
them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves. "A lot of
these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border
patrolman said, "I found one carload without a drop of drinking
water...they did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though."
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often
wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors
have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing
re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic
beer and watch NASCAR. In the days since the election, liberals have
turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have
taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian
prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised
in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses
and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers. "If they can't
identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get
suspicious about their age," an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are
creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan
Sarandon movies. "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian
economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many
art-history majors does one country need?"
In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada,
Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged
that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source
close to Cheney said. "We're going to have some Peter, Paul &Mary
concerts. And we might put some endangered species on postage stamps.
The president is determined to reach out."
), no such article. I liked the part about volvo wagons and Napa Valley Cabernet.