What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs
10 years and 45 lbs
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment
A speech impediment
I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him 'I wish I had your will power.'
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away.
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!
Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle!
Fo' drizzle!
Had an old German Plumber come to the house the other day, man he effed up bad and accidentally hooked a gas line up to the shower.................. All I could think was **** old habits really do die hard
Have you heard about the new alcoholic drink called a Sandy?
Turns out it's just a watered down Manhattan.
Turns out it's just a watered down Manhattan.
A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern...where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds crazy, but lets!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them...
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in...when suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed...thinks he ay have learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After a half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds crazy, but lets!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them...
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in...when suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed...thinks he ay have learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After a half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
OK, these may be lame, however, I liked these bumper stickers........
On the other hand, you have different fingers, and.....
Boycott shampoo, demand real poo.
yes, I'm easily entertained.......
On the other hand, you have different fingers, and.....
Boycott shampoo, demand real poo.
yes, I'm easily entertained.......
During a wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer...Look, Ill give you $100 if youll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part about how Im supposed to promise to love, honor and obey and be faithful to her forever, yeah, Id appreciate it if we could just leave that out.
He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away.
On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the grooms vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, Yes, then leaned toward the pastor and hissed I thought we had a deal.
The pastor put the $100 bill into the grooms hand and whispered: I gota better offer.
He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away.
On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the grooms vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, Yes, then leaned toward the pastor and hissed I thought we had a deal.
The pastor put the $100 bill into the grooms hand and whispered: I gota better offer.
I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night called "Bomb Jovi"...they were brilliant, their last song 'Living On A Prayer Mat' almost brought the house down.
Then a Muslim bloke was bragging that he had the entire Koran on DVD, so I asked him to burn me a copy that's when the fight started...
Then a Muslim bloke was bragging that he had the entire Koran on DVD, so I asked him to burn me a copy that's when the fight started...
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear?
White vans.
White vans.
How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb
One, she holds the bulb in the air and expects the whole world to revolve around her
One, she holds the bulb in the air and expects the whole world to revolve around her
What's the first symptom of aids
A constant pounding in the a$$
A constant pounding in the a$$
So a seal walks into a club
i heard there are ridemonkey beer growlers...