joke

JRB · Apr 19, 2006

hahahaha

stevew · Apr 19, 2006

H8R said:
A man is sitting at the local pub when another walks in, sits down, and orders a drink. After watching him gulping down half of it, the first turns to him and says, "Can I ask what's on your mind?"

The second looks at him and says, "Ah! well...look to the window; see that church on the hill? I, Angus MacClaren, designed and built that church with my own bare hands. But do they call me Angus the Church Builder? No they do not."

He points to a bridge a short way from the pub. "You see that bridge? I, Angus MacClaren, designed and built that bridge with my bare hands. But do they call me Angus the Bridge Builder? No they do not"

He then waves his hands around them to indicate the pub that they are sitting in. "I, Angus MacClaren, designed and built this very pub; but do they call me Angus the Pub Builder? No they do not"

He takes a long drink. "But I f*ck one sheep..."

Ahahahaha

binary visions · Apr 19, 2006

A man walks into the bar, sits down and orders 10 shots of whiskey.

The bartender looks at him a minute, then begins pouring the shots. As he gets one shot poured, the man takes it, and on down the line until all the shots are gone. The bartender looks at him, impressed, and said "That's quite a bit of drinking. May I ask what the occasion is?"

The man replies, "My first b**wjob."

The bartender smiles and says, "That is, indeed, something to celebrate! Let me buy you another shot on the house!"

The man shakes his head and mutters, "No offense, mister, but if the first ten didn't get the taste out, nothing will."

Polandspring88 · Apr 19, 2006

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

binary visions · Apr 19, 2006

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night. Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy."

Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way den."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Damn," he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face.

He looks to the doorway and says to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement.

He falls flat on his face.

"Bejesus . . I'm fockin' focked," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, so crawls to the door, shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and collapses inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way." But he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed." Again he pulls himself up by the doorframe, takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

He says "Fock this, I gotta stop drinking," and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"

Paddy says, "I did, Jess, I did. I was fockin' pissed, and how did you know?"

"The bartender phoned . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.

MK_ · Apr 19, 2006

There are three little roosters sitting on a fence.

How many pairs of little rooster beaks do you see?
Three

How many pairs of little rooster wings do you see?
Three

How many pairs of little rooster feet do you see?
Three

A cat jumps on the fence, how much does it weight?
I dunno.

Sounds to me like you know more about cock that you do about pussy.

_MK

MK_ · Apr 19, 2006

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "Its Keith, the midget."

_MK

MK_ · Apr 19, 2006

There's this gay dude who's so ugly, he makes Quasimodo look like a supermodel. The poor guy goes from bar to bar, from club to club, trying to get laid and noone will take him home, cuz he's so damn ugly. Frustrated, the guy is walking down a dark alley and sees this wino passed out by the wall of the building. Frustrated, horny, desperate for a lay, he has his way with the wino. After the deed is done, he slips a $5 bill into the wino's pocket as a consolation to his conscience. The wino gets up in the morning, finds the fiver, goes out and gets the cheapest bottle of liquor and rolls back to his spot by the wall of teh building.

Another day and the same guy, the same alley and the same passed out wino. The guy has his way with the poor wino again, and once again slips him a $5 bill.

This goes on for weeks. Finally, in the last act of desperation the poor gay dude decides to move out of the stinkin town where he can't get laid. He has his way with the wino one last time and as a goodbye present, slips the dude a $20 bill. Good bye, he says, it has been good, and I wish you all the best.

The wino gets up in the morning, finds the $20 bill in his pocket. In disbelief, he runs to the liquor store he's been buying the $5 booze all this time, lays the $20 on the counter and says: "Hey man, give me the finest bottle this $20 can buy, cuz this cheap sh!t is tearing my a$$ up!"

_MK

macko · Apr 19, 2006

This is only one I know from memory...

Billy, the whale is following his mother on an average day in the open sea when all of the sudden this whaling ship harpoons and kills her. Frustrated, sad, mad, and scared, Billy swims off plotting revenge. He happens on an on old friend of his, Sarah.

"Sarah, my mother was just killed by a boat of fisherman! Will you help me get back at them?!"

"Sure," Sarah replies, "what do you have in mind?"

"Well I'm thinking we should surface, fill up with a deep breathe of air and then dive underneath their ship and tip it over by blowing the air out of blow holes..."

Agreeing to this plan, Sarah helps Billy flip the boat which is now upside down and sinking with the entire crew overboard and floating in the sea.

"Now to make sure they're gonna die," Billy starts in, "will you go eat them up for me?"

"Listen Billy, I helped you out with the blow job but you're out of your mind if you think I'm gonna swallow a load of sea-men."

Fool · Apr 19, 2006

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One looks up at the other one and says, "Does this taste funny to you?"

BurlyShirley · May 3, 2006

Two muffins are sitting on a pan in an oven.

One muffin looks to the other and says "Man, it's really getting hot in here"

The Other Muffin says "Holy **** a talking muffin!"

Smelly · May 3, 2006

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his d!ck. The bartender looks at him and says, "hey buddy, why's there a steering wheel attached to your d!ck?"
The pirate responds, "Yaaar, it's drivin' me nuts!"

Ciaran · May 3, 2006

An englishman, a scotsman, and an Irishman are drinking in a pub. Each one notices that there is a fly in their beer. The englishman pushes the beer away demanding a new one. The scotsman picks the fly out tosses it aside, shrugs and drinks his beer. The Irishman picks the fly out of the beer and starts yelling at him, "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT YA LITTLE BUGGER!!!

Dirtjumper999 · May 3, 2006

Bob is sitting at a bar when an asian guy comes and sits beside him. In a few minutes when Bob wasn't looking, the asian guy slapped Bob in the face. Bob yelled out "What the fvck did you do that for!" The asian guy replied "I learned that in Hong Kong." Then he left.

Another Asian guy came shortly after and sat beside Bob. In a moment the asian guy kicked Bob in the stomach, Bob responded with the same "WTF!" The asian guy replies "I learned that in Tai pei." The he left.

Yet another came in and the same thing happens, the asian guy responds "I learned that in Korea."
This time Bob leaves. When he comes back the same asian guy from the first incident is sitting at the bar. Bob hits him over the head with a shovel and knocks him out cold on the ground. The bartender asks "WTF did you do that for?!" Bob replies,
"When he wakes up tell him I got that from Home Depot."

mcA896 · May 3, 2006

This is all I have.

Superman and the Green Lantern are standing on top of a building. They look across to the adjacent building, and see Wonder Woman, laying buck naked, moaning a bit. Green Lantern says to Superman, "I bet you $20 you can't fly over there and fvck Wonder Woman so fast she won't even notice." Superman replies, "You're on." He proceeds with the bet, flying over and having sex with Wonder Woman extremely fast. He gets back to his rooftop and the Green Lantern says, "Wow, I don't think she even noticed." Just when they think they are in the clear, Wonder Woman stands up and says, "What was that?". Then the invisible man looks around and says "I have no idea, but boy does my asshole hurt".

Fool · May 3, 2006

A priest, a Rabbi and a Monk walk into a bar, and the bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

bohica · May 3, 2006

two irishman walk out of a bar.....................it could happen.

Ciaran · May 4, 2006

bohica said:
two irishman walk out of a bar.....................it could happen.

Now THAT'S frikkin' funny!

An oldie but still a goodie...

So there's a beer convention happening and the Miller, bud, and Guinness guy all find themselves that night at a bar. The Miller rep orders a Miller... the Bud rep orders a bud... The Guinness rep orders a club soda. The Miller and Bud reps look at him in astonishment and say, "Aren;t you going to order a Guinness!?!" The Guinness rep replies, "Well, I thought that since you weren't having any beer then neither would I".

Skookum · May 4, 2006

2 American Olympic Wrestling members were comparing notes. They had to face the greatest Russian wrestler of all time Boris the Bear. He had an unbreakable move called "The Pretzel".
First American wrestler goes for his match. It's pretty competive but then next thing you know Boris has him locked in the pretzel. It's all over.
Second American wrestler goes up and asks the defeated wrestler what happened. "It all happened so fast, first he grabs my arm and twists it behind me, next my leg bent backwards, and i cannot move! And what's worse is when it's locked in all you can see is a huge pair of testicles in front of your face."
Next match with the second American comes up and in no time ole Boris has the pretzel locked in. Arm twisted, leg backwards, staring at the testicles and nearly pinned the American makes a desperate decision and decides to take a bite. He breaks the move and immediately pins the Russian to a shocked crowd.
The first American rushes to the victor, "My god man, nobody has broken out of the pretzel. How did you do it?"
The victorious wrestler retorts, "You'd be suprised what you can do after you bite yourself in the balls."

spincrazy · May 4, 2006

Lost In K-Mart

Two old guys are pushing their trolleys around K-Mart when they collide.
The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The second old guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?
The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts.

What does your wife look like?"

The first old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

joke

Cranky Pants

JRB

Guest

Cranky Pants

Cranky Pants

resident influencer

The voice of reason

Superman

The voice of reason

Chimp

Chimp

Chimp

Turbo Monkey

The Thing cannot be described

Cranky Pants

Rex Grossman Will Rise Again

Turbo Monkey

Fear my banana

Turbo Monkey

Turbo Monkey

The Thing cannot be described

Chimp

Fear my banana

bikey's is cool

I love to climb