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Life sucks, tried to end it today, couldnt do it

drt_jumper

Monkey
May 20, 2003
591
0
Manassas Va
Well just got out of an 8 year relationship, and well life sucks, tried to end things on the motorcycle today but couldnt follow through, dont really know which end is up right now or how i will make it through tomorrow. Sorry for the rant just needed to let some stuff out.
Sorry if im a pvssy or whatever but im not sure how to deal with all the stuff in my head right now.
Adam
 

4xBoy

Turbo Monkey
Jun 20, 2006
5,011
314
Minneapolis
Don't pull that bodybuilder forum sh-t here.

I am going to say this simple,

You have friends that will listen to you, even people on here will, just don't think that that is all there is for you.


Plus womenz is craziez.
 

fawn666

Chimp
Apr 19, 2009
3
0
Hi Adam,
I am so sorry to hear your relationship ended today , but you have to think positive and keep going , you will survive and find somebody else , I know right now you feel so lost and alone you don't know what to do , well it is not you it is the other person who lost a good thing , I know from experience I thought I would Lose my sanity 6 years ago when my husband of 30 years suddenly passed away with a Massive heart attack , he wasn't sick or anything he was getting up and ready for work , when I went to check in on him he was already gone and the EMS couldn't revieve him , But as hard as it seems now everything happens for a reason , so keep your head up and smile , someone will get your attention , the positive attention, not the negative , remember you are a good person, and you deserve better than what you had ,
Best of Luck
fawn
 

Brian HCM#1

MMMMMMMMM BEER!!!!!!!!!!
Sep 7, 2001
31,547
46
Bay Area, California
Just remember NO girl is EVER worth your life!!!!! I know what you're going through, I'm sure most on this site know the feeling. It hurts big time. Just chill, try to keep yourself busy with your buds. As time goes on things get easier, and so will the pain. Things usually happen for a reason and for the best. I bet somewhere down the road you'll meet another girl that's even better. Trust me on that one.
 

Ringer

Monkey
Mar 4, 2008
152
0
Just remember NO girl is EVER worth your life!!!!! I know what you're going through, I'm sure most on this site know the feeling. It hurts big time. Just chill, try to keep yourself busy with your buds. As time goes on things get easier, and so will the pain. Things usually happen for a reason and for the best. I bet somewhere down the road you'll meet another girl that's even better. Trust me on that one.

word.

there's things in this world you love BESIDES that girl. Im going to go out on a limb and say your moto, your bicycle and probably a handful of other things as well. How would you feel if you could never ride you bike again? See your homies? Shoot the **** with your buds after a sweeeet day of racing the local mtn? You have friends, family etc that will listen to you. Utilize them.
 

stoney

Part of the unwashed, middle-American horde
Jul 26, 2006
14,707
1,651
Colorado
I have a story for you. Listen, or don't; it's your life.

My first year of college I got a call from my best friend back home. I hadn't talked to him in almost 6 months, so I jokingly asked who died. He soberly replied "Alex". He and his girlfriend of 5 years, his first love, broke up with him and he couldn't handle it.
He hung himself in his parent's garage from the garage door opener. His Mom came home a few hours, and because he was such a prankster, she thought it was another prank and bumped him as she pulled into the garage. It wasn't a prank, it was Alex.
His Mom was destroyed. The last I heard their entire family broke apart. His parents divorced; his little sister had a scholarship to play volleyball at a prominent D1 school lost her drive in the mess and didn't go to college; his little brother, who idolized Alex, is a mental case; his g/f went crack whore, literally...
It really tore me apart. I had know the guy since I was 10, and he was one of my oldest friends. I tried to go to practice that day, but I could not keep composure long enough to focus on my workout. As I walked out, my coach walked with me as I explained what had happened. As I broke down, my coach said something to me that years later saved my life.

"F**k you. That's what Alex just told you and everyone who loves him. In not saying any words, he walked up to every person that cares about him, and screamed 'F**k you!' in their face. 'F**k you! You can do nothing for me. I care so little about you, that I am not willing to ask you for help. I care so little about you, that I do not care how you will handle life without me. F** You!'. It's the biggest f**k you that you can say in life."

It took me a few minutes to really grasp that statement.

A while later, at the tail end of a week long drug and alcohol binge, instigated by my then girlfriend and love of my life breaking up with me, that statement came back to me. I was ready to pill myself into oblivion when Craig's words came back into my head - "The biggest f**k you can ever tell your loved ones..." I called my best friend, the one that told me Alex had killed himself and told him the what happened over the prior week. He made a very simple statement, "I love you man." That saved me.

He called my closest friend at college and she stayed with me that night. He flew up to my school the next day. He spent almost a month with me nursing me back to health (mental and physical).

That was in 1999, ten years ago this month. I'm getting married in 19 days.

I got over that girl shortly there after and dated many other women until I met my fiance'.
I have not done a drug since then. I focused my energies on racing downhill and went semi-pro in three years. That drive got me a job as a broker at American Express, which got me a job as a trader at Morgan-Stanley, which moved me into San Francisco where I met my fiance.
That girl, and the ensuing worst night of my life, got me to where I am today; about to marry my best friend. None of that would have ever happened had my coach not told me on thing...

Suicide is the biggest F**K you to can tell anyone who has ever loved you.

"F**K you! I do not want your help, I do not care about you. F** You!"

Can you walk up to your mother and tell her that? Can you walk up to your best friend and tell him that? What about your Dad? Your brother or sister? Your grandparents? Aunts? Uncles?
Call your best friend or brother or sister or dad or mom right now. Tell them that you tried to kill yourself today and that you need their help. There is no shame to be had here. They would ask the same of you. That's why they love you, and you love them.

Your life is more important than any girl. Trust me, I know.
 
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MoonDogg

Chimp
Mar 15, 2008
3
0
San Clemente, CA
I tried and failed.

16 years ago I took two bottles of sleeping pills because of a girl, and spent 3 days in the hospital.

Yesterday I won my first DH race at the Sea Otter.

Trust me, she's not worth it.

Let your friends help you.

*MD*
 

stinkyboy

Plastic Santa
Jan 6, 2005
15,192
0
¡Phoenix!
Well just got out of an 8 year relationship, and well life sucks, tried to end things on the motorcycle today but couldnt follow through, dont really know which end is up right now or how i will make it through tomorrow. Sorry for the rant just needed to let some stuff out.
Sorry if im a pvssy or whatever but im not sure how to deal with all the stuff in my head right now.
Adam
Adam, there's a lot of Monkeys here that have gone through similar situations. I've been through it more than most, and despite being the laughing/angry clown most of the time, when I got home and closed the front door behind me and kind of heard a hollow echo in the condo (she had taken her furniture, etc.), I knew my wife had left me. I saw a note on the counter and just started crying. I didn't go to work and cried for two weeks.

I'm telling you that to say this: Sh1t gets better brother. It's hard now, but believe me it gets better. You move on, meet some azzholes and some awesome people along the way, buy new bikes, sell the old ones and once again, you'll wake up and think: This is pretty cool how life throws me around and I land on my feet.

:cheers:


Brian
 
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Bicyclist

Turbo Monkey
Apr 4, 2004
10,157
1
SB
I have a story for you. Listen, or don't; it's your life.

My first year of college I got a call from my best friend back home. I hadn't talked to him in almost 6 months, so I jokingly asked who died. He soberly replied "Alex". He and his girlfriend of 5 years, his first love, broke up with him and he couldn't handle it.
He hung himself in his parent's garage from the garage door opener. His Mom came home a few hours, and because he was such a prankster, she thought it was another prank and bumped him as she pulled into the garage. It wasn't a prank, it was Alex.
His Mom was destroyed. The last I heard their entire family broke apart. His parents divorced; his little sister had a scholarship to play volleyball at a prominent D1 school lost her drive in the mess and didn't go to college; his little brother, who idolized Alex, is a mental case; his g/f went crack whore, literally...
It really tore me apart. I had know the guy since I was 10, and he was one of my oldest friends. I tried to go to practice that day, but I could not keep composure long enough to focus on my workout. As I walked out, my coach walked with me as I explained what had happened. As I broke down, my coach said something to me that years later saved my life.

"F**k you. That's what Alex just told you and everyone who loves him. In not saying any words, he walked up to every person that cares about him, and screamed 'F**k you!' in their face. 'F**k you! You can do nothing for me. I care so little about you, that I am not willing to ask you for help. I care so little about you, that I do not care how you will handle life without me. F** You!'. It's the biggest f**k you that you can say in life."

It took me a few minutes to really grasp that statement.

A while later, at the tail end of a week long drug and alcohol binge, instigated by my then girlfriend and love of my life breaking up with me, that statement came back to me. I was ready to pill myself into oblivion when Craig's words came back into my head - "The biggest f**k you can ever tell your loved ones..." I called my best friend, the one that told me Alex had killed himself and told him the what happened over the prior week. He made a very simple statement, "I love you man." That saved me.

He called my closest friend at college and she stayed with me that night. He flew up to my school the next day. He spent almost a month with me nursing me back to health (mental and physical).

That was in 1999, ten years ago this month. I'm getting married in 19 days.

I got over that girl shortly there after and dated many other women until I met my fiance'.
I have not done a drug since then. I focused my energies on racing downhill and went semi-pro in three years. That drive got me a job as a broker at American Express, which got me a job as a trader at Morgan-Stanley, which moved me into San Francisco where I met my fiance.
That girl, and the ensuing worst night of my life, got me to where I am today; about to marry my best friend. None of that would have ever happened had my coach not told me on thing...

Suicide is the biggest F**K you to can tell anyone who has ever loved you.

"F**K you! I do not want your help, I do not care about you. F** You!"

Can you walk up to your mother and tell her that? Can you walk up to your best friend and tell him that? What about your Dad? Your brother or sister? Your grandparents? Aunts? Uncles?
Call your best friend or brother or sister or dad or mom right now. Tell them that you tried to kill yourself today and that you need their help. There is no shame to be had here. They would ask the same of you. That's why they love you, and you love them.

Your life is more important than any girl. Trust me, I know.
Wow, that might be the best post I've ever seen on RM. Thank you.
 

DirtMcGirk

<b>WAY</b> Dumber than N8 (to the power of ten alm
Feb 21, 2008
6,417
1
Oz
I was where you are on November 30.

The woman I thought I was going to grow old and die with called me from Afghanistan and told me it was over. It was my fault, she was getting rid of me. I had been drunk for two straight days, slamming down anything that came in a glass to get rid of the pain.

I woke up on November 30 with the sun, something I hadn't done in over a year. I sat down at the lap top I am typing on now, wrote a letter to my mom, my dad, my brother and two of my best friends, and one to my ex wife. In my 31 years on this planet I had never wanted to kill myself. Other people? You bet your ass, but never had I wanted so badly just to turn it all off, snatch the sun from the sky and turn off the lights once and for all.

I got in my truck, put the letters on the seat of my truck, took my dogs to my folk's house, and drove up into the hills. I sent a few friends "thanks for everything" texts, and put it in gear to kill myself. I had my service weapon in my hand, hammer back, ready to get off the boat once and for all.

And then my cell rang.

It was one of my best friends who is my tattoo artist. He was worried, he'd never seen me say thanks for anything really.

Somehow he talked me down with this:
- If you love her, and you can fix it, then get your ass back in the fight and get it right.
- If its too far gone to fix with her, then get your ass back on track and fix yourself.

I went home after that, put my gun away, burned the letters. The next day I was in an AA meeting to deal with my drinking, I was in talking to a shrink, and I put my guns in my safe for the time being.

I'm 140 days sober now, haven't punched anyone out in 139, I am 40lbs lighter and I met a woman who I really like.

Here's the short version: Get up and fight. You've busted my balls more than once on here, and you're not the sort to take the easy way out. Fix yourself, and **** will turn around.
 

Red Rabbit

Picky Pooper
Jan 27, 2007
2,715
0
Colorado
My mom has tried more than a few times. It's not herself she hurts the most.

It's the rest of the family.

I need my mom, just as I am sure your mom needs you.

I'm sure your friends need you. I'm sure your dad needs you.
 

killsdeer4fun

Monkey
Jan 25, 2009
102
0
Clemson, SC
We are all here for you dude, even if we will never get to meet you. There are so many people that will help you get through any problem you have and you don't even realize you are there. I've had too many friends die because they never said anything. The first step to getting over any problem is admitting you have one. You did that, and that makes you more of a man than most people.
 

drt_jumper

Monkey
May 20, 2003
591
0
Manassas Va
Just wanted to say thank you for all the help, it is hard, I think the hardest part was knowing the real reason why it ended, which was that she felt stuck, and felt like she was holding me back, I wanted to start a family in the near ( 2-3 years or so) future and she wasnt ready for it. Problem is its not like I can avoid her, I am good friends with her brother so our paths are going to cross regulary. Guess I just have to suck it up and deal with the emotions, Ive been through a lot of crap in my life, locked up as a kid, blamed on my parents divorce, and a bunch of other crap I am trying to forget about. But in the end you guys are right.....(imagaine that this forum can do some good!) I just want you guys and gals to know that you in all seriously, no joking or anything helped save my life last night again. Not going to lie the thoughts as I were typing were there, only there was no plan of action as of yet. I just felt worthless, and now know that aside from DirtMcGirk complete strangers even care about me. Dirt I dont know if you remember but you were at the race where I proposed to her. (at Wisp from the podium).
Anyway thanks alot guys, you seriously will never know how much I appreciate it.
Adam Buccolo
 

stevew

unique white person
Sep 21, 2001
32,265
3,087
she isn't worth killing yourself over.

and get the fvck out of manassas.
 

TreeSaw

Mama Monkey
Oct 30, 2003
16,673
445
Dancin' over rocks n' roots!
Just wanted to say thank you for all the help, it is hard, I think the hardest part was knowing the real reason why it ended, which was that she felt stuck, and felt like she was holding me back, I wanted to start a family in the near ( 2-3 years or so) future and she wasnt ready for it. Problem is its not like I can avoid her, I am good friends with her brother so our paths are going to cross regulary. Guess I just have to suck it up and deal with the emotions, Ive been through a lot of crap in my life, locked up as a kid, blamed on my parents divorce, and a bunch of other crap I am trying to forget about. But in the end you guys are right.....(imagaine that this forum can do some good!) I just want you guys and gals to know that you in all seriously, no joking or anything helped save my life last night again. Not going to lie the thoughts as I were typing were there, only there was no plan of action as of yet. I just felt worthless, and now know that aside from DirtMcGirk complete strangers even care about me. Dirt I dont know if you remember but you were at the race where I proposed to her. (at Wisp from the podium).
Anyway thanks alot guys, you seriously will never know how much I appreciate it.
Adam Buccolo
You definitely sound like you're in a better place now, but I would seriously consider talking to someone regularly to help. There's no shame in asking for help and it will make you a stronger person!

Best wishes Adam!!!
 

maddog17

Turbo Monkey
Jan 20, 2008
2,782
91
Methuen, Mass. U.S.A.
i think more than one of us has been in a breakup that has hurt us to a great extent. mine ended almost a year ago. i was with her for 14 yrs. instead of telling me how she felt and what was missing, she decided to cheat on me. i didn't find out till almost a year after she started it. once i did it devistated me. especially hurtfull was the fact that she was the last person i would ever have expected to do what she did. we went our seperate ways and while at times i think about what was and what could have been, i think about what she did to me and let the anger take over. the thought of ending my life never came into the equation because no one is worth dying for. and i truly believe that's the cowards way out, it's easy for you to end your pain but in the end you cause more than you got rid of. i'm lucky in the fact that i have a great family and even greater friends. they were there for me to help me in what ever way they could. it'll take time, it always does. all of us here on the RM have this love for riding and that's what helped me. nothing like a nice long ride to get your mind off sh*t that's bothering you. if DirtMcG can make it, so can you. there is someone for everyone. you'll meet someone, someone that wants what you do. it may not happen over night, but it will. be patient don't try too hard. things will work out in some way, shape or form. good luck, and glad you decided to stick around, i'm sure your friends and family will enjoy that decision too.
 

Heidi

Der hund ist laut und braun
Aug 22, 2001
10,139
685
Bend, Oregon
Hopefully you're reading through all this Adam because it's some powerful stuff that impresses the hell out of me. People care, they do.
 

ultraNoob

Yoshinoya Destroyer
Jan 20, 2007
4,515
1
Hills of Paradise
Adam,

Think about it this way... you had 8 great years. Both you and her had a great time. So things went awry... it happens. Most of us here have taken a hit like that more than once. We're still here... you know why?

caution cliche coming

.... there are lots of fish in the sea.

I perscribe getting a few drinks, pick up a cougar, and get laid.... you'll feel much better. Once you're done cougar hunting, start dating in your age bracket again. You'll be all good and you would have learned all these neat tricks that only cougars know.

Life is a garden... Dig it!
 

golgiaparatus

Out of my element
Aug 30, 2002
7,344
41
Deep in the Jungles of Oklahoma
Don't go out like a selfish jerk! Just join the infantry and wait for an enemy grenade to jump on. Do some good on your way out.

LOL! I'm such an azz hole!

There are always better things down the line.
 
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Willy Vanilly

Monkey
Jul 27, 2003
194
0
San Jose
So true. Adam, I think you should take a moment, sit back, and think about all that you do have going on for you. I'm sure you'll meet a gal that's more worth your time and energy soon. If you need, get some professional help.

Sorry I'm not so eloquent about this, it brings back bad memories even now.

I have had several people very close to me attempt to kill themselves (one called in the middle of the night to say "goodbye" and the other apologized in their note). I'm sure it's not easy to see when you're the person going through it but there's always something else to go on for.

There are many people who love you and like Joker said, it really is a big F-U to everyone who cares about you. So don't do it. Lots of people care about you and would be more than willing to help pick you up (or help you pick yourself up). Find something to focus your energy on.
 

UiUiUiUi

Turbo Monkey
Feb 2, 2003
1,381
0
Berlin, Germany
Wow, that might be the best post I've ever seen on RM. Thank you.

what he said


i have been there too...
30th april 2007... i tried to kill myself

i am still not sure whether it was the "right" decision to keep on existing
yet i couldn't do it and somehow i believe it was right

anyways this is not about me this is about you
get some help to get through this.
 

eanzenberg

Chimp
Apr 3, 2009
2
0
Like others said, no girl is ever worth dying over, dont believe the fairy tales. There's plenty of cool, good girls out there, you'll learn that through time.
 

stringcheese

Monkey
Jun 6, 2002
360
0
Golden, CO
Everyone goes ape**** this time of year, tis the season. Don't let your mind play tricks on you, deep down inside you KNOW there's a way out of your situation, a really easy one that doesn't involve giving up. All you have to do is just ****ing live and go through the motions. Accept that you feel like **** because anyone in the world can naturally feel that way in that situation, you're not superhuman.

Also, try to just be glad for having the opportunity to have such strong emotions over someone. If it was possible this time then its definitely possible in the future.

You're like a wildebeest grazing in a field, just eat that grass up and ignore the pack of lions watching your every move.
 
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DirtMcGirk

<b>WAY</b> Dumber than N8 (to the power of ten alm
Feb 21, 2008
6,417
1
Oz
Dirt I dont know if you remember but you were at the race where I proposed to her. (at Wisp from the podium).
Yea man, I remember that day well. You did it before I was full in the bag. I was there with my ex wife, we were really touched by the fact that you did it there.

You know what, I blame Wisp! Its cursed. Take your girl there and tell her you love her and it all implodes within seven years! Its like that movie The Ring. We gave them rings, took them to Wisp, and it all imploded. Yup, Wisp is cursed!

Seriously now, you hang in there. Riding season is coming up, and even though I am no longer one of the east coast lost boys, you've got a lot of people to ride with, hang out with, get strange with. I'm always out here somewhere if you want to talk.
 

sanjuro

Tube Smuggler
Sep 13, 2004
17,411
0
SF
I think this is pretty funny from Dirk's perspective. A few months ago, he was really bumming about his life, and he found good reasons to keep it going.

This week, he helped out another soul, because he decided to stick around.

Pay It Forward.
 

4xBoy

Turbo Monkey
Jun 20, 2006
5,011
314
Minneapolis
I think this is pretty funny from Dirk's perspective. A few months ago, he was really bumming about his life, and he found good reasons to keep it going.

This week, he helped out another soul, because he decided to stick around.

Pay It Forward.
Who know McGirk would come around to the world of regular loons so quick, which just shows how fast a persons world can change.



:imstupid:
 

DirtMcGirk

<b>WAY</b> Dumber than N8 (to the power of ten alm
Feb 21, 2008
6,417
1
Oz
Like I said, I was full metal jacket ready to get off the boat.

But I didn't. Now things are getting better. Every day that I'm here, and above the dirt line, I figure is a good one. Not all of them are easy, or even make that much sense, but its getting better.

Besides, its spring. Life is good in the spring.

Hang in there Adam. I told you this in a PM and I'll tell you again out here, the next couple of months from my go of this sucked a donkey cock. It gets better, you just have to ride it out.

This is the ****ty part of the rock line in Asylum at Diablo. Let go of the stoppers, you're hanging on too hard, and just ride out the other side. I promise its there.
 

AngryMetalsmith

Business is good, thanks for asking
Jun 4, 2006
14,890
2,585
I have no idea where I am
...very powerful story...
I thought about posting this last night but thought it better to let it ride till today. I feel compelled to point out something that a lot of us struggle with, low self esteem.

There are individuals, for whatever reason, cannot understand that someone loves them and would miss them terribly. It is possible to get so far down the hole that there is no light at the end. Depression such as that is long term and very intense. It is a pain that cannot be willed away and must be dealt with through professional therapy.

On Wednesday may 11, 2005, one of the kindest most generous, community influencing people I have ever known took their own life. He had been in a deep state of depression for years and I believe that he was incapable of recognizing that he was loved as much as he was. He would have never hurt anyone or anything, but ended up killing himself. I don't think his motivation was purely selfish and he was giving everyone a " big fvck you. " He just hurt so bad and deeply that his ability to see what he had was clouded. But we will never know the real reason.

If you can't first love yourself, then you cannot truly appreciate someone else's love for you.

If you feel this way, seek help. Like I said yesterday, there is no shame in admitting you need a little help.

And for the record, I'm currently seeking counseling for my personal demons.

Peace be to you dirt-jumper and all others who hurt.
 

drt_jumper

Monkey
May 20, 2003
591
0
Manassas Va
I want to take a second to thank you all for everything that you guys have said. I can already tell you that by reading this and talking with friends and trying to get as much crap out from inside me (figuratively speaking) that I am already feeling better, it is still very difficult though. One thing I hope all of you know is seriously what you have done for me. If it wasnt for the things you guys have said and things you have shared my state of mind, which is obviously still emotional, is at least rational when it comes to my life. I have had a lot of pain in my life, from an abusive childhood to being blamed on a divorce, and put in Juvy and group homes from 13-18yo there is alot of hurt thats built up over time and this situation has brought it all to the surface. In the moments leading up to me on the M-cycle it wasnt about I'll show them, or they will miss me and hurt now, it was all about I dont want to hurt any longer, ive been depressed for a long time now, im 30 now so since i was about 16yo ive been depressed, yes there are moments of even days that go bye that are great but it always comes back and I'm still trying to fight those feelings, anyway thank you all from the bottom of my heart, you all really have helped to save my life, and I will always appreciate that.
Thanks,
Adam Buccolo
 

sanjuro

Tube Smuggler
Sep 13, 2004
17,411
0
SF
Don't be afraid to call your friends, family, anybody. Hell you can give me a call if you want.
 

BigMike

BrokenbikeMike
Jul 29, 2003
8,933
0
Montgomery county MD
Adam, Dude, if you need me, I'm here for you man.

Are you really in Manassas? I thought you were still in WVA. If you are in Manassas, give me a buzz, I'm in Springfield and work in Chantilly. We'll go out, and I'll buy you a drink, and we can talk about whatever. Girls, bikes, bacon, you name it.