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MTB E-Mageddon has begun

MmmBones

MmmBones

Monkey
May 8, 2011
272
84
Porkland, OR
This afternoon I went for a loop around my local extinct volcano (Larch Mtn) and as I was getting my bike outta my rig on the gated road below, some middle-aged fucktard in a reflective vest is coming down the road on his E-Fat monstrosity with the chain wrapped around his cranks.

Usually my first instinct is to help a fellow rider fix their shit, but instead I said hello and asked, "Any snow?" He said, "There was a little, but I didn't make it to the trail because I couldn't fix this chain." I said, "Trail? Looks like you have a motor-" He immediately cut me off and in a raised voice said, "Federal Law says as long as it's under 750 Watts, it's allowed where a bicycle is!" Before I could finish telling him that this rule doesn't apply to hiker/bike-only trails in a National Forest, he cut me off again and repeated the same rhetoric... "under 750 Watts!" as he walked over to his Prius and set his bike down to work on it. I was a little shocked that he wasn't willing to have a reasonable discussion about the possible repercussions of riding a motorized vehicle on multi-use trails on Federal land, so I said "I don't think that's true in this case" whereupon he turned around and started screaming at me with his middle finger raised,

"I'LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU CAN
DO... GET FUCKED!"

At that point I couldn't help but burst out laughing, realizing that this guy had some issues bigger than a simple twisted chain. I then proceeded to take my camera out to get a picture of this imbecile and his license plate, in case he decided to torch my rig after I headed up the road.

So there you have it folks, this is only the beginning, soon all your favorite public trails will be unridebruh. One day it's "The Eagle has landed". The next next is "Houston, we have a problem".

Big thanks to 650b+E-midfat fucks, greedy E-zealots like Specialized, in advance, for possibly ruining "classic" mountain biking!
 
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Kanye West

Kanye West

220# bag of hacktastic
Aug 31, 2006
3,767
501
I think you are truly overestimating the impact that a handful of underpowered light-weight, low-tread E-bicycles will have on a strip of dirt in the woods.

Dirt bike trails that have very poor traction and get ridden by 60hp bikes with tires that are ~1" tall generally hold up pretty well. Rain ruts are more of a detriment by a couple orders of magnitude.

WALKING on dirt has been shown to be more impactful/damaging than skidding bike tires, since it's likely that shoes can be slipping and sliding with a frequency of every 18" or so, rather than every so often before a corner.

You'll be fine. Just put your tampon back in.
 
MmmBones

MmmBones

Monkey
May 8, 2011
272
84
Porkland, OR
I'm not worried about the impact they will have on trails, I'm worried about people running into hostile and entitled E-fucktards like this guy, and the serious possibility that this will lead to trail closure for bicycles because of the glaring grey area surrounding the restriction of ANY motorized vehicle on said trails. All of those environmental impact studies you can cite in favor of bikes have two or three saying the opposite, and that's just how the Sierra Club likes it. Chew on that festering bloody tampon and get back to me.
 
iRider

iRider

Turbo Monkey
Apr 5, 2008
5,686
3,143
Not saying that the e-bike guy was right, but imagine how you would react when your ride was ruined by a mechanical and then a random dude on a 29er tells you that you shouldn't endurbro on this trail.
 
canadmos

canadmos

Cake Tease
May 29, 2011
21,905
21,429
Canaderp
That guy is probably shopping for some kale right now at the local trendy mart.

I personally have only seen one electric bike on trails and I don't think there is too much of an issue. As long as they don't start going up the "down" trails.

This guy obviously has been told the same thing before by someone. :crazy::rofl:
 
Tom Ritchey's Moustache

Tom Ritchey's Moustache

Monkey
Sep 11, 2015
332
118
Why would you mention that you took photos, and then withhold them from the community? POST THEM.

Hacktastic said:
You'll be fine. Just put your tampon back in.
Click to expand...
It doesn't really work to just put one back in. You have to get a fresh one.

I'm not sure what that has to do with anything, other than illustrating your juvenile fear of the menstrual cycle.
 
Sandwich

Sandwich

Pig my fish!
Staff member
May 23, 2002
21,790
7,047
borcester rhymes
I'd be more worried about the e-tard bumping into a hiker, who just happens to go to the same right winger church as his local congressman, and having MTB access to the land curtailed.

By the way, fuck horses.
 
MmmBones

MmmBones

Monkey
May 8, 2011
272
84
Porkland, OR
Sandwich said:
I'd be more worried about the e-tard bumping into a hiker, who just happens to go to the same right winger church as his local congressman, and having MTB access to the land curtailed.

By the way, fuck horses.
Click to expand...
Exactly this sentiment. The trail Connects directly with Multnomah Falls and the hike-only access trails. Two million people visit it each year making it the most visited recreation site in the PNW.

And yeah, fuck people riding horses. The only legal multi-access trails here are covered in horse (and dog) shit, and it's Giardia season.
 
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MmmBones

MmmBones

Monkey
May 8, 2011
272
84
Porkland, OR
Tom Ritchey's Moustache said:
Why would you mention that you took photos, and then withhold them from the community? POST THEM.
Click to expand...
Since he never even made it to the trail, he only committed a "Thought Crime", so publicly shaming this guy AND revealing him with his car with license plate could qualify as slander, so I believe respecting his privacy is paramount in this situation. Although, I'm happy to show you a picture of his slag-wagon:

FullSizeRender (2).jpg


And while I'm at it, here's another pic from the same day/lot showing you how to park like an assclown, block National Forest road gates and fill a parking lot with the fewest vehicles possible.
FullSizeRender-5.jpg
 
canadmos

canadmos

Cake Tease
May 29, 2011
21,905
21,429
Canaderp
MmmBones said:
And while I'm at it, here's another pic from the same day/lot showing you how to park like an assclown, block National Forest road gates and fill a parking lot with the fewest vehicles possible.
Click to expand...
This is way too common here, it freaking sucks. I'm always worried about my bars scratching the side of those dipshit's cars who park at the gate; but why should I be worried? Its not really my problem that they are blocking access...

There is one particular place near here, where the actual trail head is on the other side of a very busy street, from where the parking is. Tricky thing is, there is room for 3 vehicles to park right up against the gate. Without fail, every time I go, there are cars there up against the gate. Not to mention how annoying it is to block the gate, but these clowns also back into those spots from the busy road. Its only a matter of time before an incident occurs. It only takes an extra minute to park where you are supposed to (with more room) and then walk the across the street.

::edit:: And what do we have here; I checked Google Maps quickly and some d-bag is parked at the gate, across all of the spots. I guess that's good and bad haha. The main road here is where people go 50mph....trying backing up into those spots in 50mph traffic. Crazy.

Just park across the street ya lazy farts.

 
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cecil

cecil

Turbo Monkey
Jun 3, 2008
2,064
2,345
with the voices in my head
::edit:: And what do we have here; I checked Google Maps quickly and some d-bag is parked at the gate, across all of the spots. I guess that's good and bad haha. The main road here is where people go 50mph...

You did not know they are ENTITLED to park there, they learned that from their mommy as they were getting their participation trophy and awards
 
Bikael Molton

Bikael Molton

goofy for life
Jun 9, 2003
4,088
1,235
El Lay
First off, fuck horses always and forever.

Secondly, some technical-type reasons e-bikes are a slippery slope that will fuck us mtbers over are:
1) 750 watts or whatever you consider "low-powered" is just the beginning... these things will get lighter, smaller and more powerful in just a couple product cycles, which leads me to:
2) Any "pedal-assist" marketing BS will easily be defeated by dudes hacking firmware or other mods. Do you really think e-dentists won't happily spend $200 on a chip upgrade and a bling-bling garage-CNCd ano throttle that "looks moto"?
Or maybe a stealth throttle hidden under a homoerotic Ergon grip or controlled via their Apple Watch or ...?

You guys KNOW that those types of upgrades are exactly what we would do if we were into e-bikes.

Regardless of "eco" impact - I could personally care less about a bit of bike or horse or moto erosion when we are building roads and gross planned communities all over the place - e-bikes will mean trail access closures to bicycles. That's the point we should focus on.
As the tech gets smaller, more stealth and the lines between bikes and motorcycles are blurred, authorities will simply ban all 2-wheeled devices to avoid the headache of inspecting your seat tube for an li-ion dildo motor or whatever.
 
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rockofullr

rockofullr

confused
Jun 11, 2009
7,342
924
East Bay, Cali
rpet said:
As the tech gets smaller, more stealth and the lines between bikes and motorcycles are blurred, authorities will simply ban all 2-wheeled devices to avoid the headache of inspecting your seat tube for an li-ion dildo motor or whatever.
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He's gonna have to inspect a little harder. I don't keep my dildo motor in my seat tube :happydance:
 
iRider

iRider

Turbo Monkey
Apr 5, 2008
5,686
3,143
rpet said:
As the tech gets smaller, more stealth and the lines between bikes and motorcycles are blurred, authorities will simply ban all 2-wheeled devices to avoid the headache of inspecting your seat tube for an li-ion dildo motor or whatever.
Click to expand...
So what? Then riding your dirt bike will be as illegal as riding your MTB. Guess which vehicle people will use to poach the trails? Best of all, the 750 W e-bike dentists will be seriously outgunned on the trails (dirt bikes are too redneck for dentists).
:butcher: :rockout:
 
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