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golgiaparatus

Out of my element
Aug 30, 2002
7,344
41
Deep in the Jungles of Oklahoma
My Ryder Eyewear saved my life, but they did not survive.

I ride my mountain bike early in the morning. A dangerous time on the slopes of Turkey mountain, as it is known across Oklahoma that if you go out on Turkey Mountain at night... You might not come back. But I have a crazy schedule, and I must ride early, so I take the risk.

This morning at 5:30AM I was out on my singlespeed peacefully riding along when, out of nowhere I was tackled to the ground. Lucky for me, my bike landed on top of me and the assailant was unable to get to me as I used the bike as a shield. Zombies man... Out of nowhere... I was able to shake the rotten bastard and mount my trusty steed... But alas, my gearing was too low and I couldn’t stay ahead of them. If only I had mounted my 20t cog I would have had the speed to escape, “damn 21t cog” I thought, “what a stupid choice”... but I could spin no faster, and I had at least a dozen zombies on my tail, slowly gaining. I knew I would have to make a stand, so I took inventory... bike helmet, mini pump, Ryder Socket glasses. “If only I had a shotgun, a chainsaw, or even a machete I might have a chance”, I thought... but as I didn’t, I was certain this would be the end... killed by zombies while wearing lycra... not the way I wanted to go out.

I held them off with my high cadence for as long as I could, but the time had come... I had to make my stand, but I wasn’t going out without a fight. I jumped off my bike, helmet in one hand, mini pump in the other... “Come on you undead bastards!!!!! Bring it!!!!”, I went at them as hard as I could, swinging the helmet by its straps like some kind of medieval mace and the mini pump (fully extended of course) like excalibur... My heart rate monitor was beeping like crazy warning that my heart was pumping at dangerous levels... But I had to tune that out as zombie after zombie fell to the wrath of my bike helmet and mini pump tornado. Soon all that was left was me and the silence of the night. Somehow I had come out of this nightmare unscathed. It was a miracle. I had conquered countless undead with nothing more than a bike helmet and a mini pump. My heart rate monitor had stopped beeping as I sat and tried to calm myself. “Maybe I can actually finish my ride” I thought... So I picked up my bike and started to mount up... But loud fast footsteps in the dirt caught my attention... “oh no!!” I thought... I turned as fast as I could just as the most hideous thing I had ever seen was trying to sink it’s rotten teeth into my face... It’s horrid, rancid breath nearly made me gag as it mumbled “BRAAAAINS!!!”... he bit down on the bridge of my nose. Of course, in all the chaos, my Ryder Socket glasses had been there, keeping the undead ooze out of my face... And now, this zombie bastard couldn’t get his teeth through my face because of my Ryder Socket glasses. They snapped under the immense pressure of the zombies bite, but I was able to avoid any actual tooth to skin contact. After defeating the zombie with furious blows from my helmet I looked down and saw my glasses... There they sat in two sad little pieces. Somehow I felt as if I had lost my best friend. They had sacrificed themselves so I could finish my ride... Which I did, and I got a gnat stuck in my eye. No big deal, at least I’m alive.

So I look to you, my friends at Ryder Eyewear... Please, can you replace my glasses? In all the turmoil I think the zombies ate my wallet so I cant afford another pair. If you're able to help I'll be eternally grateful. However, is there any way you can send a pair that wont snap across the bridge of the nose if a zombie attacks me? Still I’d like them to be frameless, at least on the bottom so my view isn’t obstructed, and clear so I can easily see zombies in the early morning moonlight.

Attached is a photo of the glasses, and the zombie warning sticker at the trailhead, just in case you think this is some sort of tall tale. If you do decide to help me out, please send the replacement glasses to the address at the bottom of the e-mail.
 

HAB

Chelsea from Seattle
Apr 28, 2007
11,084
1,380
Seattle
What, saving your life wasn't enough, you think you're entitled to a freebee too? :rolleyes:
 

kickstand

Turbo Monkey
Sep 18, 2009
3,444
392
Fenton, MI
I read part of the 2nd paragraph, that was as far as I could get, when you started talking about cadence, and spinning out, and a 20 or 21 tooth cog and zombies I realized this thread was going to be full of not giving any ****s.
 

Arkayne

I come bearing GIFs
May 10, 2005
3,745
13
SoCal
"Please, can you replace my glasses?"

Should be your first line. Then I'd be inclined to read the rest of it to find out why.
 

dump

Turbo Monkey
Oct 12, 2001
6,116
1,053
"Please, can you replace my glasses?"

Should be your first line. Then I'd be inclined to read the rest of it to find out why.
yup... but even then, would scan it, read about zombies and feign ignorance on ever receiving such a letter.
 

jonKranked

Press Button, Receive Stupid
Nov 10, 2005
65,683
10,276
media blackout
if i worked for ryder eyewear, upon reading this i would do everything in my power to ensure you never used my product again
 

golgiaparatus

Out of my element
Aug 30, 2002
7,344
41
Deep in the Jungles of Oklahoma
I got a reply too:

"I just read your warranty claim. Thanks for the laugh. That was possibly the best warranty inquiry I have ever read.

Can we post it on our website?

What size t-shirt are you, and what is your mailing address? I will get some new glass...es and a tee out to you.

Thanks for enjoying our products. Defeating zombies was never what we intended our performance sunglasses for, but I am glad they worked out for that!"
 

TN

Hey baby, want a hot dog?
Jul 9, 2002
14,315
1,351
Jimtown, CO
Cooter would have known to substitute something else in the place of zombies based on the history of Turkey Mountain in the 80s and early 90s.

P.S. Jesus... this is a tough room.
Cooter would only attack you if you stunk like cunnilingus.
 

Da Peach

Outwitted by a rodent
Jul 2, 2002
13,075
2,933
North Van
You should ask them for some of their dual pane goggles. I hear they're good for repelling snake venom, and protect from the jew claw. See if they shell out again.
 

golgiaparatus

Out of my element
Aug 30, 2002
7,344
41
Deep in the Jungles of Oklahoma
You should ask them for some of their dual pane goggles. I hear they're good for repelling snake venom, and protect from the jew claw. See if they shell out again.
Jew claw?

BTW, I wasn't trying to con them or get them to shell out. I legitimately broke a pair of new glasses without abusing them. I just thought I'd have a little fun with my warranty request.
 

moff_quigley

Why don't you have a seat over there?
Jan 27, 2005
4,403
2
Poseurville
I got a reply too:

"I just read your warranty claim. Thanks for the laugh. That was possibly the best warranty inquiry I have ever read.

Can we post it on our website?

What size t-shirt are you, and what is your mailing address? I will get some new glass...es and a tee out to you.

Thanks for enjoying our products. Defeating zombies was never what we intended our performance sunglasses for, but I am glad they worked out for that!"
Win. Nicely done.
 

kickstand

Turbo Monkey
Sep 18, 2009
3,444
392
Fenton, MI
I still see no ****s to give.

I got a reply too:

"I just read your warranty claim. Thanks for the laugh. That was possibly the best warranty inquiry I have ever read.

Can we post it on our website?

What size t-shirt are you, and what is your mailing address? I will get some new glass...es and a tee out to you.

Thanks for enjoying our products. Defeating zombies was never what we intended our performance sunglasses for, but I am glad they worked out for that!"
well, if they enjoyed that retarded story I will find other glasses to wear.
 

chicodude

The Spooninator
Mar 28, 2004
1,057
1
Paradise
Haters going hate...uh...I mean shame on your for having a little creativity and fun with your life. I thought it was funny. but as we have all found out being different is bad....mmmkay?