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boogenman

boogenman

Turbo Monkey
Nov 3, 2004
4,430
1,134
BUFFALO
Dear Sam,

Congratulations on your win in Mont Ste. Anne this past weekend. You’ve been close and consistent all year, but the top of the podium sure has been elusive for you and your new sponsor, and it had to be a relief to get that win out of the way, huh? Everyone knew it was only a matter of time, as you’re an ace rider and the bike is good. It was a tough course and you dominated in that old Sam Hill fashion. Good on ya, govena’.

Â

Now, don’t take this the wrong way, because we are your fans after all. We recognize your talent, and we’re behind you all the way…so give us a decent God damn soundbite for **** sake. Jesus Christ, I know more about what’s in the briefcase in Pulp Fiction than I know about you. After countless interviews, here’s the rundown of what we know about Sam Hill:


You’re looking for a good, solid run
You like to be consistent
You like to carry your momentum
You’ve been working on your pedaling and your speed right out of the gate and
Hopefully next week you can go out and go faahst. It’s a good cowrse and you’re just trying to staye fowcusd
Lie to me, Sam. Tell me that you’re not sure how fast you’ll be today because you met a stripper in Quebec and didn’t get any sleep last night. Tell me that the triple jump at the finish scares you a bit, you’re feeling pressure from your sponsors, your parents are there that day, Fairclough has smelly pits and you’re sick of riding up the lift with him…open your mouth when you talk so you don’t remind me of a ****ing crash test dummy. Anything.

Â

Honestly, when I watch your run I feel like one of those fainting goats. You know, the ones where if you scare them they just fall asleep. You cross the line and start to talk and the next thing I know I’m peeling myself off the drool-stained floor a half hour later wondering what the **** happened.

Â

With love and respect,

Your fans
 
Kanye West

Kanye West

220# bag of hacktastic
Aug 31, 2006
3,768
501
Calid0wnhiller said:
SO YOU'RE GONNA BUY A BIKE:

Good for you! Biking is awesome. It's easy, it's fun, it's good for you. I want you to bike, I really do. To that end, I am here to help you.

-Your co-worker that's "really into biking" knows **** all. Stop asking for his advice. He could care less about you having the right bike. He wants to validate his bike purchase(s) through you. He also wants to sleep with you, and wear matching bike shorts with you.

- You're not a triathlete. You're not. If you were, you wouldn't be here, and we both know it.

- You're not a racer. If you were, I'd know you already, and you wouldn't be here, and we both know it.

- So you want a bike that you can ride to work, goes really fast, is good for that triathlon you're doing this summer (snicker), is good on trails and mud, and costs less than $300. Yeah. Listen, I want a car that can go 200 miles an hour, tow a boat, has room for five adults, is easy to parallel park but can carry plywood, gets 60mpg, and only costs $3,000. I also want a unicorn to blow me. What are we even talking about here? Oh yeah. Listen, bikes can be fast, light, cheap and comfortable. Pick two, and we're all good.


I couldn't stop laughing after the Unicorn part.lol
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Now...I just got out of bed, so my logic might be a little more skewed than normal......but if a unicorn were blowing you, wouldn't you be getting jabbed in the face by it's spike thing?? Somebody did not think this through.
 
yd35

yd35

Monkey
Oct 28, 2008
741
61
NY
Hacktastic said:
Now...I just got out of bed, so my logic might be a little more skewed than normal......but if a unicorn were blowing you, wouldn't you be getting jabbed in the face by it's spike thing?? Somebody did not think this through.
Click to expand...
69, duh
 
Kanye West

Kanye West

220# bag of hacktastic
Aug 31, 2006
3,768
501
Ahhh, thanks, I've been shown the way. I guess never go have a unicorn fellate you uninformed of the consequences.
 
Huck Banzai

Huck Banzai

Turbo Monkey
May 8, 2005
2,523
23
Transitory
Hacktastic said:
Now...I just got out of bed, so my logic might be a little more skewed than normal......but if a unicorn were blowing you, wouldn't you be getting jabbed in the face by it's spike thing?? Somebody did not think this through.
Click to expand...
As stated above, recline! You can hold on to the horn for control and comfort.

I prefer Zebras myself.
 
zdubyadubya

zdubyadubya

Turbo Monkey
Apr 13, 2008
1,273
96
Ellicott City, MD
boogenman said:
stik how did you found out who they are?
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Stikman, it was comin, and you were askin
Stik, you mangy son of a bitch. You, sir, have been talking out both sides of your lying mouth. I?ve never had a personal issue with you before; always had positive experiences at the races, and I liked your site. So the rule there was: no talking ****. But now, well?let?s document it.
You wrote in saying you loved the site, despite the fact that you and Leigh are lifelong friends with Brian.
?I love Brian, he has been a class act family friend to us for ages, we just do a lot of ?oh thats just Brian.?" One says something like that when talking about someone who is dickish.
?my mate Rob Warner told me it was all the talk in mont saint anne, so I checked it and loved it. I used to have a site a decade or so ago kinda talking some smack at the industry, but I had to watch it sometimes-which sucked....I always knew I shoulda gone anonymous haha.? No ****? Really, no way? This way people can say things that are truthful yet opinionated and not get in trouble? If only I?d have known, I would have done things, oh I don?t know?exactly the ****ing same.
You sent me this link because you are fishing and think I?m this guy.
You posted crap on twitter trying to find out who is behind this. If you love the site, why care about that?
?We? hear from various sources that you?re (obviously) still being a Lopes-whore, and Lopes is pissed that we post any negative opinions about him, and wants to sue. That?s all dandy, just be upfront and we wouldn't have to call you out.
One of your fan submissions:
Hey brother,

Love the site and the dripping wet sarcasm. People are so up in arms over it. I?m writing to let you know you accomplished something grand. You made Stikman whine on Facebook about and try his best to find out who you are/might be. I joked with him that he was starting a witch hunt for his best friend Lopes. His response was to call me stupid and an idiot. He didn?t like it when I told him he was just hanging onto his famous wife?s coat tails and to go back to his homemaker duties.

I wanted to throw my hat in the ring and suggest a dig at Stikman, the worlds tallest parasite and wanna be paparazzi. Or heck, research me and take a dig or two at me.

If Brian can't take a ribbing in stride, **** off. That is my opinion. If he worried about what other people's opinions were of him years ago, he wouldn?t have been such a dickhead. Stop trying to flush us out. It's not about you.
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i am not part of the "in" crowd, but if the stiks are the same, methinks he hasnt found out yet.
 
N

nolson450

Chimp
May 26, 2009
27
0
To the creators of this site: You all are brilliant. You speak with years of angst, something only a passive aggressive, lifelong bike dork could write. I'd be writng the same stuff if I stayed "chasing the dream" of being a Pro mountain biker, making $30K a year. Good thing I quit racing full time and went back to college.

If I could suggest one thing, maybe a section on Pros that should just give up and get a job!

Please make T shirts!
 
jonKranked

jonKranked

Detective Dookie
Nov 10, 2005
89,467
27,685
media blackout
nolson450 said:
You speak with years of angst, something only a passive aggressive, lifelong bike dork could write. I'd be writng the same stuff if I stayed "chasing the dream" of being a Pro mountain biker, making $30K a year. Good thing I quit racing full time and went back to college.
Click to expand...
ain't it the truth?
 
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