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Parent Monkey Wisdom?

skibunny24

Enthusiastic Receiver of Reputation
Jun 16, 2010
3,280
556
Renton, WA
Buffalo and I are at wits end. Our six year old, Lucas, has been acting out at school, at daycare, and at home. He is using inappropriate language at meal times and in class (read, making fart noises, calling out "butthole!!" in the middle of silence, and other shenanagins that would leave Beavis and Butthead snickering), doing the opposite of what adults tell him to do, pitching fits about everything, he's taken to hitting himself at daycare, at home we can't talk to him without him spacing out and starting a new conversation about... paper airplanes or anything other than whatever we are saying to him, and last night I got the full on screaming, crying "I HAAAAAATE YOU!!! I WANT A NEW FAMILYYYYY", screaming, trying to hit and kick me, and trying to break things and punch and kick doors to try to put holes in them, because I wouldn't make him mac n' cheese (this ain't a short order diner kid, we're having what I made for the family, get over it).

I try to remain as calm as possible and remind him that I love him, while attemping to put him in time out (for 6 mins, because he is 6), but he won't sit quietly, so I try to send him to his room. He won't go to his room, and when I approach him he freaks out and says he is scared I'm going to hit him--which I have never done, and no one else has either. It just progressed and got worse until Buffalo got home and then Lucas fizzled out and we had dinner and he said burgers and now his favorite and can we have them for every meal forever. We had a similar incident this morning when I wouldn't let him go back for a toy on our way out the door because we were already running late.

We've tried to talk to him and find out what is going on and he will say things like there is something wrong with his brain, he doesn't like himself, or he just doesn't know. He is a very high energy kid and is always running and talking. He is sensitive, and usually a sweet, and unusually caring and empathetic boy. So... please. Impart your wisdom on us. We love our boy so much and want him to feel good about himself and behave... this has been going on for a few weeks now and we are reaching out to all of our communities for advice.
 

dan-o

Turbo Monkey
Jun 30, 2004
6,460
2,767
Kids go through bad patches just like anybody. Just be consistant and keep him pointed in the right direction and things should get better.
^^^this.

Ignore the little ****'s tantrums, don't let him see you get flustered and this too will pass.
Don't waste your time trying to rationalize rules etc; you can't negotiate with terrorists.
I nearly eviscerated my 7yo with a butter knife last night, so I know where you're coming from.
 

dan-o

Turbo Monkey
Jun 30, 2004
6,460
2,767
Have you had him checked out for something like Aspergers? My GF nannied for a child who acted similarly, it was until a few months in that she was diagnosed.
No offense, but fvck that.
The kid is six and being a tool. End of story.

Kids these days get labelled six ways from sunday for basic behavior issues.
We know several kids labelled 'slight augsbergers', mildly ADHD etc.

Helicopter parenting meets boogeyman. The kids I know just need parents not looking to label/justify every little thing that's not perfect with their precious.
One's just a napoleonic asshole while the other only does what he wants to.

Kids can suck. And often do.
 

jonKranked

Press Button, Receive Stupid
Nov 10, 2005
61,730
8,279
media blackout
Buffalo and I are at wits end. Our six year old, Lucas, has been acting out at school, at daycare, and at home. He is using inappropriate language at meal times and in class (read, making fart noises, calling out "butthole!!" in the middle of silence, and other shenanagins that would leave Beavis and Butthead snickering), doing the opposite of what adults tell him to do, pitching fits about everything, he's taken to hitting himself at daycare, at home we can't talk to him without him spacing out and starting a new conversation about... paper airplanes or anything other than whatever we are saying to him, and last night I got the full on screaming, crying "I HAAAAAATE YOU!!! I WANT A NEW FAMILYYYYY", screaming, trying to hit and kick me, and trying to break things and punch and kick doors to try to put holes in them, because I wouldn't make him mac n' cheese (this ain't a short order diner kid, we're having what I made for the family, get over it).

I try to remain as calm as possible and remind him that I love him, while attemping to put him in time out (for 6 mins, because he is 6), but he won't sit quietly, so I try to send him to his room. He won't go to his room, and when I approach him he freaks out and says he is scared I'm going to hit him--which I have never done, and no one else has either. It just progressed and got worse until Buffalo got home and then Lucas fizzled out and we had dinner and he said burgers and now his favorite and can we have them for every meal forever. We had a similar incident this morning when I wouldn't let him go back for a toy on our way out the door because we were already running late.

We've tried to talk to him and find out what is going on and he will say things like there is something wrong with his brain, he doesn't like himself, or he just doesn't know. He is a very high energy kid and is always running and talking. He is sensitive, and usually a sweet, and unusually caring and empathetic boy. So... please. Impart your wisdom on us. We love our boy so much and want him to feel good about himself and behave... this has been going on for a few weeks now and we are reaching out to all of our communities for advice.
i think i found your problem
 

Raingauge

Monkey
Apr 3, 2008
692
0
Canadia
Between 3 and 4 my youngest was a terrorist. He would do stuff on purpose to try and piss me off (not eat dinner, not do things I asked just because, ect..) it became a power struggle for a while. Only long time outs worked for him 20+ mins, a few nights of going to bed without dinner, missed a few soccer games and grounded from riding his bike. It might seem harsh but he's been good for over a year now and you can compromise with him now. He turned 5 last month.

Is there anything going on at the daycare? We switched daycares and from a day home; he's come out of his shell a bunch and is better at dealing with other kids and people.
 

Polandspring88

Superman
Mar 31, 2004
3,075
0
Broomfield, CO
No offense, but fvck that.
The kid is six and being a tool. End of story.

Kids these days get labelled six ways from sunday for basic behavior issues.
We know several kids labelled 'slight augsbergers', mildly ADHD etc.

Helicopter parenting meets boogeyman. The kids I know just need parents not looking to label/justify every little thing that's not perfect with their precious.
One's just a napoleonic asshole while the other only does what he wants to.

Kids can suck. And often do.
That could very well be the case. Not having kids or being around them for any length of time my experience is limited.
 

Beef Supreme

Turbo Monkey
Oct 29, 2010
1,436
73
Hiding from the stupid
It sounds like he is figuring out new ways to push buttons. It is for the best for you to make sure he does not get rewarded for them.

It also sounds like he may be getting a bit too old for the traditional time out method. That is around the time when we started sending the kids to their rooms for longer periods of time. (Technically, we send them to the guest room as there are no toys and it is boring.) I would try 15 or 20 minutes. You might also try a quick escalation if the kiddo resists punishment. We increase the time out period, physically remove them and ultimately will spank if there is any resistance to punishment. The idea is that things get bad fast if they try that.

We are pretty strict on the doing what you are told front. Our kids' number one rule was to do what she was told the first time without any complaining. We got it from a psychologist and thought it would never work. It did and has make a huge difference. Disrespect towards us is not tolerated and I think that is an area where kids will get away with what they can.

Lastly, school was really a saving grace for our more difficult child. She curbed her more explosive behavior in the first grade as she didn't want to stand out or reap the negative social rewards. Her teacher was a hardass which I am sure had something to do with it. I am not sure how to make this work if it doesn't happen naturally though. You may talk to the administration to make sure he gets someone strict next year.

I hope something in there helps. Good luck.
 

rockofullr

confused
Jun 11, 2009
7,356
917
East Bay, Cali
Some kids need lots of exercise for their to function normally, think of them like border collies without fur. I'm sure (judging from your lifestyle) that he usually gets plenty of activity but maybe it is between sports seasons or something.

One of my close friends has a 9 yo who has "ADHD" or whatever they are calling it these days. The kid is trouble whenever he has excess energy but they recently enrolled him in a youth wrestling program and now he goes to school, goes to wrestling, then comes home, does his school work (what the hell kind of homework does a 9 yo even have?), and goes the fvck to bed.

No energy for fighting with his parents and being crazy any more.
 

skibunny24

Enthusiastic Receiver of Reputation
Jun 16, 2010
3,280
556
Renton, WA
Have you had him checked out for something like Aspergers? My GF nannied for a child who acted similarly, it was until a few months in that she was diagnosed.
We have had discussion around talking to the doctor to see what they think, but it is definitely a last resort situation for us. We have depression, bipolar, ADHD, and all sorts of mental illnesses that run in the family, so while I don't believe in pill pushing, I do believe that something like that is a possibility. We haven't really decided at what point we go to the doctor, but not quite yet.

i think i found your problem
Well here in "Merica, they frown upon that...

Between 3 and 4 my youngest was a terrorist. He would do stuff on purpose to try and piss me off (not eat dinner, not do things I asked just because, ect..) it became a power struggle for a while. Only long time outs worked for him 20+ mins, a few nights of going to bed without dinner, missed a few soccer games and grounded from riding his bike. It might seem harsh but he's been good for over a year now and you can compromise with him now. He turned 5 last month.

Is there anything going on at the daycare? We switched daycares and from a day home; he's come out of his shell a bunch and is better at dealing with other kids and people.
#1, it's really funny that you called him a terrorist, because I tell Lucas all the time that I don't negotiate with terrorists :rofl:

#2, there haven't been any changes in school or daycare since September, so it would certainly be odd for anything to pop up now...
 

jimmydean

The Official Meat of Ridemonkey
Sep 10, 2001
30,964
4,137
Portland, OR
i think i found your problem
:stupid:

My daughter has had a hand on the bottom a few times (less than 6, I think). Not a beating, just a swat. Like the ! at the end of a statement. Point taken, enough said.

It wasn't the fear of god type belt related beatings I got as a kid, but my daughter also thinks the idea of a "time out" is hilarious as we never used that, either. She has been spoken to like an adult since day 1, she understands when she has gone too far, and she knows what happens if she does.

But it could just be his testing of your limits and it sounds like he is winning at the moment. Best of luck to you both.
 

jonKranked

Press Button, Receive Stupid
Nov 10, 2005
61,730
8,279
media blackout
:stupid:

My daughter has had a hand on the bottom a few times (less than 6, I think). Not a beating, just a swat. Like the ! at the end of a statement. Point taken, enough said.

It wasn't the fear of god type belt related beatings I got as a kid, but my daughter also thinks the idea of a "time out" is hilarious as we never used that, either. She has been spoken to like an adult since day 1, she understands when she has gone too far, and she knows what happens if she does.

But it could just be his testing of your limits and it sounds like he is winning at the moment. Best of luck to you both.
Exactly. It's called discipline. It should be used wisely, and only when escalation requires it.
 

jimmydean

The Official Meat of Ridemonkey
Sep 10, 2001
30,964
4,137
Portland, OR
Exactly. It's called discipline. It should be used wisely, and only when escalation requires it.
Don't get me wrong, the fear of god method worked well for my folks, but my brother and I were WAY worse than my daughter could ever be. The idea of "wait until your father gets home" went through my mind often growing up. Sometimes just the thought was enough, sometimes it wasn't.
 

GiantRider

Monkey
Mar 6, 2002
589
0
Nor. Ca. Santa Cruz ,Mang
I would go to a family counselor to get some ideas as to whats going on based on the fact that he said he does not like himself and that there is something wrong with his brain. All kids act out at this age (I have a 3yo boy and a 7yo girl and am a stay at home father)but some of the things you mentioned are just over the top.
 

Jim Mac

MAKE ENDURO GREAT AGAIN
May 21, 2004
6,364
281
the middle east of NY
Fear only statistically lasts 9 months as a motivating tool on average. After that, you have to escalate and then you are teaching your kid how to engage in brinksmanship. Don't do it or if you do, use it sparingly.

We went through a similar stage at 3 with our young gun - not in appropriate words but actions - pinching, biting, etc. Behavior (verbal or non-verbal) is a form of communication. Could be a growth spurt, could be some other form of internal pain or illness. Might not hurt to have him checked out by your Dr. if it continues?
 

Jim Mac

MAKE ENDURO GREAT AGAIN
May 21, 2004
6,364
281
the middle east of NY
Addition: hitting himself is sometimes a sign of internal pain. Check with your dr!

Video on kids developing that might be of help (though it has a disability bend):
 

Raingauge

Monkey
Apr 3, 2008
692
0
Canadia
#1, it's really funny that you called him a terrorist, because I tell Lucas all the time that I don't negotiate with terrorists :rofl:

#2, there haven't been any changes in school or daycare since September, so it would certainly be odd for anything to pop up now...
If he was my first I would have never had another one. Finding something that he really likes (no dessert, soccer & bike) worked the best. Nothing sucks more than missing out.
 

skibunny24

Enthusiastic Receiver of Reputation
Jun 16, 2010
3,280
556
Renton, WA
If he was my first I would have never had another one. Finding something that he really likes (no dessert, soccer & bike) worked the best. Nothing sucks more than missing out.
He loves video games... but we took those away a month ago and he hasn't got them back
We don't have cable, so TV is very rare and comes in the form of a movie about once a week, sometimes less.
He loves playing with his friends, but he has spent most of the last three weeks grounded and unable to play with them.
We took away half of his toys too.
This is why I am at the point that I am posting here.
And mother nature decided no more for me anyway... though I did want him to have siblings. Oh well. Leaves room to focus on him, but sometimes I think it would be better if there was another one... just so it was all about him all the time... I don't know.
My head hurts now.
 

Raingauge

Monkey
Apr 3, 2008
692
0
Canadia
My son is like me. He'll cut off his own nose to spite his face just to win. The older he got the more prolonged the punishment had to be; especially the for the first bit until he learned I was sticking too it. Gradually he realized he wasn't going to get his way and the punishments got shorter and apologies came faster.

They only live with me 50% of the time and he ran his mom's show for a while. She's finally got a stricter with him and he's much happier and well behaved.

Most people think I'm way too hard on my kids. I have high expectations of them for sure. I'd rather have them be used to high expectations; then go out in the world and be knocked on they're ass when they have to do something.
 

pinkshirtphotos

site moron
Jul 5, 2006
4,706
141
Vernon, NJ
do you have hair? maybe time you grow it long and get him his bicycle of choice he is stressed teachers know he will be tested soon enough I have been thinking maybe it is a gremlin of you per chance not accepting as the family you make rather a family he is introduced too. Bring your dang kind bicycle riding far away and ignore him get him a helmet of his choice without bias or ignorance from yourself. Allow him to use whatever you have and maybe use incense because that smell is empowering. Chances are your kid is smarter then you ever can be then no way you can ever let him getting a tattoo is not allowed, your kid is fine. Read a lot as I am, just let him pick out a helmet if its bike is okay then if not make sure you both learn how air goes in the tires. Very important.
 

H8R

Cranky Pants
Nov 10, 2004
13,965
35
do you have hair? maybe time you grow it long and get him his bicycle of choice he is stressed teachers know he will be tested soon enough I have been thinking maybe it is a gremlin of you per chance not accepting as the family you make rather a family he is introduced too. Bring your dang kind bicycle riding far away and ignore him get him a helmet of his choice without bias or ignorance from yourself. Allow him to use whatever you have and maybe use incense because that smell is empowering. Chances are your kid is smarter then you ever can be then no way you can ever let him getting a tattoo is not allowed, your kid is fine. Read a lot as I am, just let him pick out a helmet if its bike is okay then if not make sure you both learn how air goes in the tires. Very important.
Holy fvck.
 

weedkilla

Monkey
Jul 6, 2008
362
10
There are real professionals in raising children, some of them may be on ridemonkey, but I think the best advice may come from elsewhere. If he is at Kindergarten/school then they should be able to put you in touch with someone in your area.
My experience is limited to being a kid once and letting my 2 survive to 11 and 13. My first instinct is tough it out, but when I am at my wits end then I start to react to the situation rather than act with clear, calm thoughts and that's when I parent poorly. Getting advice is a good start, if you can feel calm and work with a plan things tend to go better.
My 13 year old does a variation of this every year around his birthday, "I'm a year older and now I can do...." seems to be the thought process as he pushes all the boundaries. It lasts anywhere from a couple of weeks to a couple of months and then its all good again. It looked a bit similar to your situation when he was 6. If nothing else you shouldn't feel like the only one who has felt the way you do now.
Good luck!
 

SkaredShtles

I love NEWCASTLE and will ONLY drink NEWCASTLE!!!!
Sep 21, 2003
51,289
4,443
In a van.... down by the river
We make our kids do push-ups. Lots and lots of push-ups. We even stopped the van on the way home from a trip and made them do push-ups in a gravel pull-out on the side of the highway.

It may not help but it sure does my heart good to see them doing a $hitload of push-ups. :rofl:
 
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stevew

unique white person
Sep 21, 2001
33,769
4,261
We make our kids do push-ups. Lots and lots of push-ups. We even stopped the van on the way home from a trip and made them do push-ups in a gravel pull-out on the side of the highway.

It may not help but it sure does my heart good to see them doing a $hitload of push-ups. :rofl:
aren't they old enough to take you out?
 

I Are Baboon

Run, Forrest, Run!
Aug 6, 2001
29,947
2,861
MTB New England
My mom kept this handy:



It was most effective.
Heh, my mom broke more than one wooden spoon across my ass. I deserved it. Man, was I a little bastard. Everyone thinks my mom is such a sweet, nice lady...but I have seen the demon! :D


I can't offer any advice here. I didn't have kids so I wouldn't have to know.
 

Raingauge

Monkey
Apr 3, 2008
692
0
Canadia
do you have hair? maybe time you grow it long and get him his bicycle of choice he is stressed teachers know he will be tested soon enough I have been thinking maybe it is a gremlin of you per chance not accepting as the family you make rather a family he is introduced too. Bring your dang kind bicycle riding far away and ignore him get him a helmet of his choice without bias or ignorance from yourself. Allow him to use whatever you have and maybe use incense because that smell is empowering. Chances are your kid is smarter then you ever can be then no way you can ever let him getting a tattoo is not allowed, your kid is fine. Read a lot as I am, just let him pick out a helmet if its bike is okay then if not make sure you both learn how air goes in the tires. Very important.
I read this six times and still have no idea what's going on...


Do you do a lot of meth?
 

ire

Turbo Monkey
Aug 6, 2007
6,199
4
He loves video games... but we took those away a month ago and he hasn't got them back
We don't have cable, so TV is very rare and comes in the form of a movie about once a week, sometimes less.
He loves playing with his friends, but he has spent most of the last three weeks grounded and unable to play with them.
We took away half of his toys too.
This is why I am at the point that I am posting here.
And mother nature decided no more for me anyway... though I did want him to have siblings. Oh well. Leaves room to focus on him, but sometimes I think it would be better if there was another one... just so it was all about him all the time... I don't know.
My head hurts now.
It sounds like the stick hasn't been worked. My daughter is only 3.5 years old and she is crazy hyper active. I run her hard in the park for at least an hour everyday after daycare. This makes the evening more manageable. The other thing I've found success with is punishing, but providing a path back to redemption. She'll get in trouble, so I won't let her have her tablet. After the tantrum, crying, and begging I'll let things settle for a bit and the tell her what she needs to do to earn use again (she's young, so it's small things like finishing her dinner).

The one advantage I have is that it's only her and I during the week. My girlfriend lives in another town and she is with her mom on the weekends. She doesn't like me to be upset with her, because there isn't anyone to run to. Those are my thoughts. You've been a parent longer than I, so take it for what it is...just my experience.
 

stevew

unique white person
Sep 21, 2001
33,769
4,261
i don't recall ever being hit by my parents......but my older brother did put my head through a window and my younger brother did hit me over the head with a fireplace poker.
 

MMike

A fowl peckerwood.
Sep 5, 2001
18,222
86
just sittin' here drinkin' scotch
Gosh. Some terrible advice here. so I guess I'll add some more.

If it were me, and it had gone on longer that your typical "just a phase" period of time, i'd talk to the pediatrician. You're not happy. Obviously kid is not happy. Why prolong everyone's unhappiness? A condition may exist that beating will not cure. If it's gone on for a long time, get help. Addressing an issue that needs to be addressed is not helicopter parenting, it's just parenting.
 

jdcamb

Tool Time!
Feb 17, 2002
16,734
4,185
Nowhere Man!
On your way to visit Uncle Rick in Jail. Remind said child where they will end up if they keep it up. On the way point out each McDonalds and IHOP. Tell the bratty one that only kids that behave get Happy Meals, hence the name. If I am not happy as your parent, you can't have a Happy Meal. Teach them young that it is all about you so that they are better prepared for when you become elderly and they have to clean up your bedding after you crapped yourself in bed again.... Your Welcome....
 

kazlx

Patches O'Houlihan
Aug 7, 2006
6,924
1,808
Tustin, CA
I know, right ?

Kid makes a good argument that some parents just need to smother their offspring.
You can see why some animals eat their young.

On topic, I am the last one to suggest having a kid checked out, but there might be cases where it's appropriate. If you are at your wit's end it might be an option. There are plenty of us though that were raised with the fear of dad and turned out normal-ish. My dad made a wood paddle for that very reason. He's not always supposed to like you, just respect you and other people. He's either pushing you over the edge to try and tell you who's boss, or there might be a genuine issue.
 

skibunny24

Enthusiastic Receiver of Reputation
Jun 16, 2010
3,280
556
Renton, WA
There are real professionals in raising children, some of them may be on ridemonkey, but I think the best advice may come from elsewhere. If he is at Kindergarten/school then they should be able to put you in touch with someone in your area.
My experience is limited to being a kid once and letting my 2 survive to 11 and 13. My first instinct is tough it out, but when I am at my wits end then I start to react to the situation rather than act with clear, calm thoughts and that's when I parent poorly. Getting advice is a good start, if you can feel calm and work with a plan things tend to go better.
My 13 year old does a variation of this every year around his birthday, "I'm a year older and now I can do...." seems to be the thought process as he pushes all the boundaries. It lasts anywhere from a couple of weeks to a couple of months and then its all good again. It looked a bit similar to your situation when he was 6. If nothing else you shouldn't feel like the only one who has felt the way you do now.
Good luck![/
QUOTE]

Exactly :) I am at wits end and that's why I'm reaching out, thank you!! It does help to know that other parents have gone through this and made it out with their heads still attached to their bodies!!

We make our kids do push-ups. Lots and lots of push-ups. We even stopped the van on the way home from a trip and made them do push-ups in a gravel pull-out on the side of the highway.

It may not help but it sure does my heart good to see them doing a $hitload of push-ups. :rofl:
Um, that is a FANTASTIC idea! Especially since we are about to spend two weeks on the road driving from AK to Seattle!!

No new kids? I think that changes in behavior can sometimes be "acquired" from school-mates.
Hmm, that's a good point. The one kid I know creates issues has been at daycare all year, but there could be new kids at school as well.