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ParentMonkey: Baby coming! What should I look forward to?

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Arkayne, May 2, 2008.

  1. Arkayne

    Arkayne I come bearing GIFs

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    I've a little one on the way in a few months. So parents, what are some expected/unexpected things that I should be looking forward to?

    For example:

    You can look forward to no more than 2 hours of sleep.
    You can look forward to being urinated and vomited on.

    "Pretty soon you'll go to work and people go *sniff* you have a kid dont'cha?!" - Robin Williams
     
    #1 -   May 2, 2008

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  2. SkaredShtles

    SkaredShtles I love NEWCASTLE and will ONLY drink NEWCASTLE!!!!

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    Paging LO to the white courtesy phone...

    LO to a white courtesy phone.

    :p
     
    #2 -   May 2, 2008
  3. Wumpus

    Wumpus makes avatars better

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    In a few years...taking your two year old to the dentist because his chipped tooth cracks lenghtwise.
     
    #3 -   May 2, 2008
  4. jimmydean

    jimmydean The Official Meat of Ridemonkey

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    18 years of servitude.
     
    #4 -   May 2, 2008
  5. $tinkle

    $tinkle Expert on blowing

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    lots & lots of sex.



    with yourself.
     
    #5 -   May 2, 2008
  6. SPINTECK

    SPINTECK Turbo Monkey

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    Best freakin' time of your life!! I was lucky, my baby slept for 4 hours at a time, so the wife and I switched on and off. This was easy until we had the second kid one year later. You'll get good at burping and trying to pump thier legs gently to get them to fart. Gas makes them cry, so as soon as you get the gas out, you can usually go back to bed.

    Hopefully one of you is a morning person and the other a night person. You'll get good at making baby formula- we did both, nurse and formula.

    When changing the diaper, put a diaper wipe over the penis unless you like to gamble.

    Congrats!!!
     
    #6 -   May 2, 2008
  7. Wumpus

    Wumpus makes avatars better

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    On a serious note, the best advice I have is 1)to sleep whenever the baby is asleep for the first couple of months and 2) make sure that you both get a break from the baby -- I actually rode quite a bit when we were both off work for the first six weeks.





    Yes, rule #2 does slightly violate rule #1.
     
    #7 -   May 2, 2008
  8. Arkayne

    Arkayne I come bearing GIFs

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    wth, ouch!! Care to explain how that happened?
     
    #8 -   May 2, 2008
  9. Westy

    Westy the teste

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    Get a DNA test to make sure it is yours.




    ;)
     
    #9 -   May 2, 2008
  10. Arkayne

    Arkayne I come bearing GIFs

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    I saw these in the store. The Pee-Pee TeePee




    I'll stick with the cheaper alternative and put a wipe on it.
     
  11. LordOpie

    LordOpie MOTHER HEN

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    Ha!

    If she's in the mood now, do it. neither of you will have the energy after the baby gets here. Also, if I knew how hallucinogenic sleep deprevation was, i'd have done it years ago.

    If for some strange reason, you two do have the engergy, careful, she's far more fertile in the months after giving birth.
     
  12. LordOpie

    LordOpie MOTHER HEN

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  13. jimmydean

    jimmydean The Official Meat of Ridemonkey

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    May is in fact "National Masturbation Month".
     
  14. Arkayne

    Arkayne I come bearing GIFs

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    lol yeah, I've a little boy on the way.
     
  15. Wumpus

    Wumpus makes avatars better

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    We're not really sure exactly when or how the original chip happened. I just noticed that it cracked through today.
     
  16. H8R

    H8R Cranky Pants

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    Sleep:
    Variable

    Vomit, urine, feces, other:
    Unavoidable, but not as bad as it sounds. Adult fecal matter is much nastier than newborn fecal matter.

    Worry:
    Intense

    Pride:
    Intense


    Tips:

    When your wife goes into labor, DO NOT call everyone. Let the labor progress for awhile. You don't want the phone calls and the visitors the whole time she is in labor.

    Be prepared to take care of your wife, and let her tend to the child. If people want to help, let them know that you need:
    Prepared food
    Laundry done
    Dishes washed
    Trash removed
    Yard tended to
    Etc
    Let everyone know that you and your wife can take care of the kid, it's everything else that you will be wanting help with. If they are pushy about helping you with the kid, gently tell them to fvck off.

    You will be washing your hands 1.5 billion times per day. Get some moisturizing liquid hand soap. Regular soap will turn you knuckles into corn flakes.

    Burp that kid after every feeding.

    Learn the burrito style swaddling wrap. Ask the nurse/midwife to show you. Newborns want to be wrapped tight.

    Babies get cold, but not THAT cold. One layer more than you are comfortable in is fine.

    Newborns have low fat content so brown them first in some olive oil over medium heat before braising or roasting. Season to taste.
     
  17. jimmydean

    jimmydean The Official Meat of Ridemonkey

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    At 7, my daughter still likes to be wrapped like a burrito now and then.
     
  18. LordOpie

    LordOpie MOTHER HEN

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    My wife is at the movie theater with our son right now... seeing some chick flick.

    Make sure your wife gets out of the house regularly or she'll go insane.
     
  19. $tinkle

    $tinkle Expert on blowing

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    ah yes, the allusive white history month.

    i'm off to a poor start: we take the first friday of the month very seriously around here.
     
  20. Upgr8r

    Upgr8r High Priest or maybe Jedi Master

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    :stupid:

    All of the above.

    The first couple of months can be tough.

    We're in months 4 now and it is a lot of fun watching her smile and giggle at me for doing silly things

    Congrats :cheers:
     
  21. TN

    TN Hey baby, want a hot dog?

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    something that stinks & is loud & looks like winston churchill.
     
  22. H8R

    H8R Cranky Pants

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    Manimal on spring break?
     
  23. H8R

    H8R Cranky Pants

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    Ooops....
     
  24. Quo Fan

    Quo Fan don't make me kick your ass

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    For the first couple of years, you will be an action hero. Then they will think you are the stupidest creature on earth. You will be hated (if you do your job right). When they mature, they will discover how brilliant you really are.
     
  25. jimmydean

    jimmydean The Official Meat of Ridemonkey

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    "When you 're kid, you think your dad is Superman. Then as you get older, you realize he's just some weird guy who walks around wearing tights and a cape."
     
  26. Reactor

    Reactor Turbo Monkey

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    Get the "what to expect" books. They'll ease your minds.

    Help your wife as much as possible. My wife had a c-section and other complications, for the first month I took care of my daughter by my self. Looking back on it, it was some of the best bonding time. My daughter and I still have a great relationship.
     
  27. syadasti

    syadasti i heart mac

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  28. $tinkle

    $tinkle Expert on blowing

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    probotics? is that like a 3rd leg? or a baby's arm?
     
  29. ska todd

    ska todd Turbo Monkey

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    The first night you bring the kid home will be one of the scariest of your entire life. It will seem like the kid won't sleep, eats every 15 minutes, and is smaller and more fragile than you could have ever expected. You and your wife will say "WTF did we get ourselves into?" It is scary as hell that first night, not a cake walk the next few, but is normal after a week or so.

    -ska todd
     
  30. syadasti

    syadasti i heart mac

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    Nah but you can get lots from a Kafir...er umm, I mean Kefir:D

    I like this brand:

    http://www.lifeway.net/

    Info on Kefir/probotic benefits from the same company:

    http://www.lifeway.net/minute.php

    You can just take some capsules if you don't like yogurt and its easier to dose.
     
  31. wannabeabonedoc

    wannabeabonedoc Turbo Monkey

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    Pampers wipes are worthless. They just spread rather than wiping.
    Buy a cheap clock radio and rip the antenna out. When our kid came home from the hospital, we'd turn that on and he slept for 5-6 hours a night for the first 2 weeks.
    It is YOUR responsibility to change the first nasty meconium filled diaper... As Robin Williams put it, it's like a mix of tar and sewage.
    I second the burrito wrap. It's like a sedative....
    Have fun with it b/c kids are awesome until you have to tell them to get off your lawn.
     
  32. SkaredShtles

    SkaredShtles I love NEWCASTLE and will ONLY drink NEWCASTLE!!!!

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    Get a membership to Costco. Just for the wipes & diapers. The Kirkland brand are actually very good. And the wipes come in boxes of like 12 million...

    :D
     
  33. LordOpie

    LordOpie MOTHER HEN

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    Guess how many diapers the average newborn goes through in the first month?

    highlight for answer...

    350!
     
  34. BurlyShirley

    BurlyShirley Rex Grossman Will Rise Again

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    Spending friday nights on ridemonkey apparently..
     
  35. $tinkle

    $tinkle Expert on blowing

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    oh, and everyone has the week of diarrhea at some point. it's pretty unnerving when your child weighs only 12 lbs & they're losing a gallon of fluid/hr
     
  36. H8R

    H8R Cranky Pants

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    ProBIOtics.

    As in the opposite of antibiotics.

    My wife is taking them because she was on a heavy antibiotic IV drip during labor.
     
  37. LordOpie

    LordOpie MOTHER HEN

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    wow, why?

    and we've taken them in the past, good stuff.
     
  38. Arkayne

    Arkayne I come bearing GIFs

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    I actually look forward to all of this. Nice heads up, fellas.
     
  39. syadasti

    syadasti i heart mac

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    Hence my kafir kefir joke in reply to $tinkle:clue:
     
  40. H8R

    H8R Cranky Pants

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    Tested + for group B strep. IV antibiotics were needed to stem the risk of infection. (meningitis, etc)

    One day I will post up the whole labor timeline. It was fvcking brutal.