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ParentMonkey: Baby coming! What should I look forward to?

Arkayne

I come bearing GIFs
May 10, 2005
3,745
13
SoCal
I've a little one on the way in a few months. So parents, what are some expected/unexpected things that I should be looking forward to?

For example:

You can look forward to no more than 2 hours of sleep.
You can look forward to being urinated and vomited on.

"Pretty soon you'll go to work and people go *sniff* you have a kid dont'cha?!" - Robin Williams
 

SPINTECK

Turbo Monkey
Oct 16, 2005
1,370
0
abc
Best freakin' time of your life!! I was lucky, my baby slept for 4 hours at a time, so the wife and I switched on and off. This was easy until we had the second kid one year later. You'll get good at burping and trying to pump thier legs gently to get them to fart. Gas makes them cry, so as soon as you get the gas out, you can usually go back to bed.

Hopefully one of you is a morning person and the other a night person. You'll get good at making baby formula- we did both, nurse and formula.

When changing the diaper, put a diaper wipe over the penis unless you like to gamble.

Congrats!!!
 

Wumpus

makes avatars better
Dec 25, 2003
8,164
154
Six Shooter Junction
On a serious note, the best advice I have is 1)to sleep whenever the baby is asleep for the first couple of months and 2) make sure that you both get a break from the baby -- I actually rode quite a bit when we were both off work for the first six weeks.





Yes, rule #2 does slightly violate rule #1.
 

LordOpie

MOTHER HEN
Oct 17, 2002
21,033
1
Denver
lots & lots of sex.



with yourself.
Ha!

If she's in the mood now, do it. neither of you will have the energy after the baby gets here. Also, if I knew how hallucinogenic sleep deprevation was, i'd have done it years ago.

If for some strange reason, you two do have the engergy, careful, she's far more fertile in the months after giving birth.
 

H8R

Cranky Pants
Nov 10, 2004
13,975
34
You can look forward to no more than 2 hours of sleep.
You can look forward to being urinated and vomited on.
Sleep:
Variable

Vomit, urine, feces, other:
Unavoidable, but not as bad as it sounds. Adult fecal matter is much nastier than newborn fecal matter.

Worry:
Intense

Pride:
Intense


Tips:

When your wife goes into labor, DO NOT call everyone. Let the labor progress for awhile. You don't want the phone calls and the visitors the whole time she is in labor.

Be prepared to take care of your wife, and let her tend to the child. If people want to help, let them know that you need:
Prepared food
Laundry done
Dishes washed
Trash removed
Yard tended to
Etc
Let everyone know that you and your wife can take care of the kid, it's everything else that you will be wanting help with. If they are pushy about helping you with the kid, gently tell them to fvck off.

You will be washing your hands 1.5 billion times per day. Get some moisturizing liquid hand soap. Regular soap will turn you knuckles into corn flakes.

Burp that kid after every feeding.

Learn the burrito style swaddling wrap. Ask the nurse/midwife to show you. Newborns want to be wrapped tight.

Babies get cold, but not THAT cold. One layer more than you are comfortable in is fine.

Newborns have low fat content so brown them first in some olive oil over medium heat before braising or roasting. Season to taste.
 

LordOpie

MOTHER HEN
Oct 17, 2002
21,033
1
Denver
My wife is at the movie theater with our son right now... seeing some chick flick.

Make sure your wife gets out of the house regularly or she'll go insane.
 

Upgr8r

High Priest or maybe Jedi Master
May 2, 2006
942
0
Ventura, CA
:stupid:

All of the above.

The first couple of months can be tough.

We're in months 4 now and it is a lot of fun watching her smile and giggle at me for doing silly things

Congrats :cheers:
 

Quo Fan

don't make me kick your ass
For the first couple of years, you will be an action hero. Then they will think you are the stupidest creature on earth. You will be hated (if you do your job right). When they mature, they will discover how brilliant you really are.
 

jimmydean

The Official Meat of Ridemonkey
Sep 10, 2001
29,938
2,740
Portland, OR
For the first couple of years, you will be an action hero. Then they will think you are the stupidest creature on earth. You will be hated (if you do your job right). When they mature, they will discover how brilliant you really are.
"When you 're kid, you think your dad is Superman. Then as you get older, you realize he's just some weird guy who walks around wearing tights and a cape."
 

Reactor

Turbo Monkey
Apr 5, 2005
3,978
1
Chandler, AZ, USA
Get the "what to expect" books. They'll ease your minds.

Help your wife as much as possible. My wife had a c-section and other complications, for the first month I took care of my daughter by my self. Looking back on it, it was some of the best bonding time. My daughter and I still have a great relationship.
 

ska todd

Turbo Monkey
Oct 10, 2001
1,777
0
Lawnguyland, New F'in Yawk
The first night you bring the kid home will be one of the scariest of your entire life. It will seem like the kid won't sleep, eats every 15 minutes, and is smaller and more fragile than you could have ever expected. You and your wife will say "WTF did we get ourselves into?" It is scary as hell that first night, not a cake walk the next few, but is normal after a week or so.

-ska todd
 

wannabeabonedoc

Turbo Monkey
Apr 19, 2004
1,035
1
Wytheville Virginia
Pampers wipes are worthless. They just spread rather than wiping.
Buy a cheap clock radio and rip the antenna out. When our kid came home from the hospital, we'd turn that on and he slept for 5-6 hours a night for the first 2 weeks.
It is YOUR responsibility to change the first nasty meconium filled diaper... As Robin Williams put it, it's like a mix of tar and sewage.
I second the burrito wrap. It's like a sedative....
Have fun with it b/c kids are awesome until you have to tell them to get off your lawn.
 

LordOpie

MOTHER HEN
Oct 17, 2002
21,033
1
Denver
Guess how many diapers the average newborn goes through in the first month?

highlight for answer...

350!
 

$tinkle

Expert on blowing
Feb 12, 2003
14,591
5
oh, and everyone has the week of diarrhea at some point. it's pretty unnerving when your child weighs only 12 lbs & they're losing a gallon of fluid/hr
 

H8R

Cranky Pants
Nov 10, 2004
13,975
34
wow, why?
Tested + for group B strep. IV antibiotics were needed to stem the risk of infection. (meningitis, etc)

One day I will post up the whole labor timeline. It was fvcking brutal.