Today was especially brutal. I was really bloated and uncomfortable before I left for work, so at the suggestion of The GF I took two Gas-X strips. They're like Listerine strips but for gas. Then later I got on the train to go to work. It's really crowded today and all the seats are taken. What's left is people standing. Much like you see on a subway in the movies. I crowd in and read my book.
About 30 minutes into the ride my stomach is feeling queesey. I keep reading, trying to take my mind off my belly but its not working. I shift standing positions to lean on something and a little bomb creeps out. It's silent and I hope it doesn't smell too bad, this train is packed. I'm lucky enough that it's a dud and no one notices. Whew.
Some time passes, I'm getting progressively more uncomfortable. I'm pretty sure now I'm going to puke my fvcking guts out or pass out. Maybe both simultaneously. I'm the only one sweating on the train in the dead of winter and I can feel the blood pooling in my legs. We're about 2 minutes from stopping so I make my way toward the door area. Hopefully some cooler air will help. It does a bit, and I ask a gentleman to step aside, as I'm not feeling well. He gets the hint.
We've officially hit the point of "I DONT GIVE A FVCK". I double over a hand-rail in agony, sweat streaming down my face, guts bubbling uncontrollably, and brace my head against a wall so I don't pass out. I unleash all the gas within my system into this doorway area and immediately people are grumbling. It's obvious who did this. It's that guy in the corner by the door, me...hunched over looking like death. Someone quietly remarks they think I sh!t my pants. Please, God, just get me to Union Station so I can get out of this ass-laden doorway and lie on the pavement. More gas explodes, the crowd is growing angry. I don't even think they feel sorry for me at this point, they're just pissed it stinks so fvcking bad. And I keep letting them roar, over and over.
The train halts. The doors open with a "WHOOOSH". In George Costanza style I push men (and women alike) out of my way as I nearly fall out of the train onto the platform. The cool air rushes me back to life. The sweat is rapidly cooling on my face. I can make it, I tell myself.... I haven't sh!t my pants or passed out yet, and work is only 1 block away. Fvck all these people and what they think of me now, I nearly died in there. The brisk winter air helped me regain composure as I entered the office and sprinted for the restroom. I left my laptop bag and lunchbag on the floor right after the doorway, peeling off layer after layer as I head towards a stall.
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me too that was awesome, where did it come from?
